Indescent Proposal

[Naturefreegirl]

I have been with the man that I love with for a while now, although he was not legally seperated, him and his wife seperated and lived seperate homes and shared their son. I must say that are relationship was great and he really understood me and has always been there for me when noone else was.

Last week I decided that i wanted to get baptize, so I took a class and was making plans to go ahead with my decisions. Later that night we had a talk and i told him that the intimacy in our relationship would have to come to a halt, he told me that he knew that i would come at him with this and he asked me what I wanted to do. To be honest i did not have all of the answers, he is a man and I donot expect him to wait around until i figured things out. So he told me that he would wait just as long as there was a plan. He suggested that we got married and made it official.

This is where the sad part comes in, He is insiting that we get married, although he is not divorce yet, and I cannot do that . I told him if he is serious, after his divorce we will procede with out plans. I feel that I am being played for a fool. In my heart of all hearts I think he still wants to be with the ex and me too. I am so confused and so sadden that it's breaking my heart.

I desperatly in need of some advice.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Congrats on your decision to get baptized.

I personally never understood why people separate but never divorce? I have an uncle-in-law who has been separated from his wife for over 20 years. They live in different states and lead separate lives but they are not divorced because she does not want a divorce?

Has he proposed? You mention that he made it official. Does your friend not realize that bigamy is a crime? He cannot legally be married to two women in this country.

I've never been in such a situation so I have no real advice to offer other than to pray about it. Dating a married man is always a risk.

I have been with the man that I love with for a while now, although he was not legally seperated, him and his wife seperated and lived seperate homes and shared their son. I must say that are relationship was great and he really understood me and has always been there for me when noone else was.

Last week I decided that i wanted to get baptize, so I took a class and was making plans to go ahead with my decisions. Later that night we had a talk and i told him that the intimacy in our relationship would have to come to a halt, he told me that he knew that i would come at him with this and he asked me what I wanted to do. To be honest i did not have all of the answers, he is a man and I donot expect him to wait around until i figured things out. So he told me that he would wait just as long as there was a plan. He suggested that we got married and made it official.

This is where the sad part comes in, He is insiting that we get married, although he is not divorce yet, and I cannot do that . I told him if he is serious, after his divorce we will procede with out plans. I feel that I am being played for a fool. In my heart of all hearts I think he still wants to be with the ex and me too. I am so confused and so sadden that it's breaking my heart.

I desperatly in need of some advice.

 

[Naturefreegirl]

thanks for the input

 

[tiara76]

whats stoppin him from gettin a divorce....??

 

[FluffyRed]

Not to be mean, but this is why dating married men is ill-advised.

This is just a hard lesson. Separated is not divorced.

My mom and step dad were separated for ten years, and if she wanted him back at any time, she could have snapped him back - across state lines.

When and if separated men want to get a divorce they will.

Your guy may or may not get one. There's no answer for you that does not end with you being hurt, except if he does the "right thing." You're just stuck.

 

[tiara76]

well even if the wife is the one calling the shots...if they got divorced and she wanted him back and he wanted her a divorce doesn't stop them from getting back together....or still messing around

so if u met him and he was divorced and still had a relationship with his ex there would be no difference if thats what u thought it was or feel is whats goin on...and dudes can get re married and still carry on with their ex's....

alot of people just do what they want to do regardless and whatever somebody else is allowing them to do

but im sure he knows that "legally" one must be divorced to re marry, even though plenty of people do it

my aunt i swear has been married a gang of times and I don't think she has ever gotten divorced from anybody she married...just finds somebody else to marry when she's "done"......Im like whose checkin the legalalities of these unions......do they get even checked?

hope you figure out whats best for you mama

 

[ThickHair]

He doesn't want to divorce his wife and marry you. If he did, he would divorce his wife and marry you. It is very simple.

 

[Naturefreegirl]

all of your responses have blunt but true, still I appreciate it all.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Naturefree...get to stepping...the situation is not right and this man has a wife already...separated or not she's still his W-I-F-E.

 

[frizzy]

So, what he's talking about one of those "spiritual union" type jobbies? What kind of marriage is he proposing?

 

[tiara76]

He doesn't want to divorce his wife and marry you. If he did, he would divorce his wife and marry you. It is very simple.

my point exactly ^^^

whats stoppin him from gettin a divorce

either way if you take marriage seriously and it means something to you it probably doesn't mean as much to him

one if he is willing to marry you without being divorced he doesn't hold it in a high light and it just to appease you in some sort of way which is cool if you okay with him not trippin off of it

two if he's just talkin to appease you and make you feel good... then he may not take marrying you seriously

nothing makes a relationship except what the two people (or more) involved make it and are "happy" with whatever parameters are set....if one or two parties (or more) aren't happy, then being married or not, seperated , divorced or anything else external too the people doesn't matter at all

if marriage is important to you then you want to marry and be with somebody who its also important too

edit...

in no way am i inferring he doesn't care about you..what runs thru the mind of another and their feelings regarding love can be totally different than what runs thru somebody elses...but if either aren't on the same page or at least understand and are okay with what the situation is there will always be problems and those "sad" feelings involved

 

[FluffyRed]

well even if the wife is the one calling the shots...if they got divorced and she wanted him back and he wanted her a divorce doesn't stop them from getting back together....or still messing around

True, but failure to finalize the divorce is a big hint of unfinished business between them. He could run through 50 women for company and sex while still wishing for wifey.

If he signs the papers, he's on some level accepting that some phase of their relationship is over. If he gets back with her, that's on him.

Right now, he could be just "on a break" from his marriage - and "cheating with permission." Who knows? That's between him and the one he took vows with. Bad situation to walk into.

 

[treybaby2005]

I have been with the man that I love with for a while now, although he was not legally seperated, him and his wife seperated and lived seperate homes and shared their son. I must say that are relationship was great and he really understood me and has always been there for me when noone else was.

Last week I decided that i wanted to get baptize, so I took a class and was making plans to go ahead with my decisions. Later that night we had a talk and i told him that the intimacy in our relationship would have to come to a halt, he told me that he knew that i would come at him with this and he asked me what I wanted to do. To be honest i did not have all of the answers, he is a man and I donot expect him to wait around until i figured things out. So he told me that he would wait just as long as there was a plan. He suggested that we got married and made it official.

This is where the sad part comes in, He is insiting that we get married, although he is not divorce yet, and I cannot do that . I told him if he is serious, after his divorce we will procede with out plans. I feel that I am being played for a fool. In my heart of all hearts I think he still wants to be with the ex and me too. I am so confused and so sadden that it's breaking my heart.

I desperatly in need of some advice.

Wtf!Of course you cannot do that it is against the law.Does he want to marry you so that you can continue to have relations?He is not even legally separated you said right?
What an awful situation to be in.

 

[prettynatural]

Op,

You know the right decision to make for your life. You just have to pray and dig down deep to have the courage to do what you know in your heart and spirit says is right.
You already have doubts as evidenced by your post. You are getting ready to walk in with Jesus so start on the good foot. Do what you know in your heart is right. This is about you and not him, do what is right for you. If he is the man for you, he will do what is necessary for your to be together. Money, finances, children, job etc will not deter him.
Good luck !