In love with a Liar.....Need Help

K

keisha31

New Member
First and foremost I just want to say I love this forum. I'm glad to see black women interacting with each other.

I am asking other women for there opinion. I have a friend I have known for quite sometime. He is very family oriented, loving and caring and easy to talk too. We never been in an relationship but I think it could lead up to one.

He recently told me he had an child that was 1 years old. I didn't say nothing but listened. Apparently he said he didn't know she was pregnant until she brought the baby to the house. I don't know what to believe. He doesn't talk about his son nor spends time with him. Being a single mother myself, I just have a hard time thinking that she would keep him away from his child. He is a wonderful person.

I have seen pictures of the baby and he looks just like him but I don't know what happened, I feel that a child should have both parents in their lives instead of one. I want him to resolve his issues with his son's mother before jumping into a relationship with me.

My questions is what would you do? I don't want to get hurt by this person again because he has hurt me before. But for some reason it seems real this time. I want him to be apart of his son's life. I know it's none of my business but I have been through somethings with my daughter without having her father around.

Do I continue to see him or just remain friends?
It's two sides to a story and I'm just trying to be open minded.

Thanks Ladies....
Keisha W.
 
I'm confused....are you seeing him or not? Were you previously in some type of relationship for him to have "hurt you before"? Regarding him taking part in his child's life, there's not much you can do about that aside from encouraging him to, but I'd question his integrity if he wasn't apart of his child's life.
 
^^^ IA. and if u're unsure then why are u calling him a liar? or do you already kno and just need affirmation?
 
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Sounds fishy to me..There is always 3 sides to every story. God's side, the man and then the woman in this case. I would try to anonymously get her side if possible. :ohwell:

And why doesnt he spend time with his new child? I know its a shocker and one's gotta deal with all that but does he intend to spend time? That issue right there could be a dealbreaker for me.
 
Hi there ladies,

Thanks for responding. We have seen each other in the past. We both had issues in our lives and decided to go seperate ways. Don't mean to sound confusing but it's such a big mess. :wallbash:

I love him very much but I call him liar because the things that he says about her constantly I just think at times he is lying. And he stays away from his son because if her, that is wrong. I'm just speaking from my drama that I have dealt with my daughter's father.

Mizz Brown, I think it does sound fishy. But would I be crossing the boundaries if I tried to contact her? I don't want to start anything, I just want to know. He doesn't say anything about him that much unless I ask. The sad thing about it is that he has a daughter that he sees on a regular basis. I have met her several times also. And I have met the mother of his daughter as well.

Now we are seeing each other but it's nothing serious yet. We are taking it slow. I'm also afraid that he might go back to her and here I am hurt again. :nono:

I would love to hear all negative and positive feedback from you all. I appreciate this!!!:yep:

Keisha W.
 
I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything....but what's up with the multi-kids by multi-women? Seems like you know him well if you all have been in a relationship previously. Sounds like your womanly instincts are shouting "PROCEED WITH CAUTIOUS IF YOU PROCEED AT ALL". I'd heed the warning.
 
No, I understand comike, I am asking for help. But I do thank you so much for your input. :yep: I really needed it!!!
 
comike said:
I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything....but what's up with the multi-kids by multi-women? Seems like you know him well if you all have been in a relationship previously. Sounds like your womanly instincts are shouting "PROCEED WITH CAUTIOUS IF YOU PROCEED AT ALL". I'd heed the warning.
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:yep: IA. i was just about to post the same thing. idk having a kid by one woman is one thing. but two different kids by two different women and he's not with either one of them? :nono: this just doesnt sound like a good deal
 
YOUR WORDS:

I have a friend

He is very family oriented

He doesn't talk about his son nor spends time with him.

I want him to resolve his issues with his son's mother before jumping into a relationship with me.

I don't want to get hurt by this person again because he has hurt me before.

I know it's none of my business but I have been through somethings with my daughter without having her father around


Do I continue to see him or just remain friends?


Don't mean to sound confusing but it's such a big mess.
Click to expand...

So you think he’s a liar. He’s not interested in creating a relationship with his children which twerks your own issues of mothering a child who’s father is out of the picture.

He’s hurt you before but…

Again.. He has hurt you before and you’re still at the “…but…” stage.

But he’s family oriented. Who’s family? Where? Not his apparently. I am a single woman with no kids and I consider myself family oriented… to a point. By your words alone, he’s not particularly “family oriented” enough to parent his children and as a woman raising a child on your own that seems to (and should!) chafe against your instincts about how a man should interact with his children.

Pay attention to your gut!

It is so NOT the mess you think this is. He fertilized a few eggs here and there. In his mind that means little in terms of responsibilty towards the children that were the result.

It really is that simple. Your “friend’ (and I BEG YOU to stop referring to him in that manner) has a bottomline different view of adult parental responsibilities than you would wish for someone you’’d want in your life. Much less the one you’d think about building a new life with.

Stop romanticisng him and making excuses. He is not a friend. The situation is not confusing. He simply is what he is.

If you want to be with him do it. Stay up on your birth control becuause his history screams that he is not the person most women want to co-parent with.

If you ignore what you know to be true make sure you’re ready to explain it all to your kid(s) later. That you knew before you got naked, that this “man” was not willing to parent.

Again, it is NOT complicated. It is beyond simple. He’s shown you who he is. If you choose to ignore it then you only have yourself to blame.

And any kids that are the result can look to you for an explanation.
 
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Laginappe said:
So you think he’s a liar. He’s not interested in creating a relationship with his children which twerks your own issues of mothering a child who’s father is out of the picture.

He’s hurt you before but…

Again.. He has hurt you before and you’re still at the “…but…” stage.

But he’s family oriented. Who’s family? Where? Not his apparently. I am a single woman with no kids and I consider myself family oriented… to a point. By your words alone, he’s not particularly “family oriented” enough to parent his children and as a woman raising a child on your own that seems to (and should!) chafe against your instincts about how a man should interact with his children.

Pay attention to your gut!

It is so NOT the mess you think this is. He fertilized a few eggs here and there. In his mind that means little in terms of responsibilty towards the children that were the result.

It really is that simple. Your “friend’ (and I BEG YOU to stop referring to him in that manner) has a bottomline different view of adult parental responsibilities than you would wish for someone you’’d want in your life. Much less the one you’d think about building a new life with.

Stop romanticisng him and making excuses. He is not a friend. The situation is not confusing. He simply is what he is.

If you want to be with him do it. Stay up on your birth control becuause his history screams that he is not the person most women want to co-parent with.

If you ignore what you know to be true make sure you’re ready to explain it all to your kid(s) later. That you knew before you got naked, that this “man” was not willing to parent.

Again, it is NOT complicated. It is beyond simple. He’s shown you who he is. If you choose to ignore it then you only have yourself to blame.

And any kids that are the result can look to you for an explanation.
Click to expand...

I couldn't have said it better myself! :yep:
 
Hello ladies,

I was with the guy I told you about in the previous posting. Well he happen to be over and the cell phone rings. And he doesn't pick it up and then it rings again several times, I assumed it was his son's mother. But for some reason he says they can't get along that's why he doesn't see his son and chooses not to deal with her.

Please don't beat me up ladies but he lives at home with his family and I found out through snooping that he has to pay her $1400 a month after he finishes paying his arrears then it will go down to $1130 a month. Maybe he is still bitter that she took him for child support. I don't know.

When I say he is good with his family, he is good with his mother,sisters and brothers. The one thing I know that he is good to his daughter. He does anything for her but I don't understand why not his son.

Should I try to be there for him in this difficult time. He says he has his bad days but I don't understand why he doesn't reach out for his son. Any feed back would be nice.....
 
keisha31 said:
Hello ladies,

I was with the guy I told you about in the previous posting. Well he happen to be over and the cell phone rings. And he doesn't pick it up and then it rings again several times, I assumed it was his son's mother. But for some reason he says they can't get along that's why he doesn't see his son and chooses not to deal with her.

Please don't beat me up ladies but he lives at home with his family and I found out through snooping that he has to pay her $1400 a month after he finishes paying his arrears then it will go down to $1130 a month. Maybe he is still bitter that she took him for child support. I don't know.

When I say he is good with his family, he is good with his mother,sisters and brothers. The one thing I know that he is good to his daughter. He does anything for her but I don't understand why not his son.

Should I try to be there for him in this difficult time. He says he has his bad days but I don't understand why he doesn't reach out for his son. Any feed back would be nice.....
Click to expand...

Okay see, you've gotten plenty of feedback, but it's not the feedback that YOU want to hear, so you keep making excuses for him.

People do this all the time on message boards (and in real life). They KNOW something isn't right, but they want to hear someone tell them to "hang in there" because they know they want to be with the man in question even though there are 50-11 red flags telling them to back up.

What more do you need to hear? Do you want us to say, "Aww, poor him, being taken by that evil baby mama... stay by that strong black man and lift him up! You're better than that hoe anyway and he'd never do that to you!"

Come on now, wake up. And his ex SHOULD get every bit of child support that she's asking for... after all, he is the father and he needs to support his child. I don't even know why you are trying to justify his "bitterness" by saying she 'took him' for child support.

GOOD FOR HER!

(And I sincerely HOPE that you have done the same thing and are getting child support from your daughter's father.)

Look, do what you want to do with this man you're "in love with," since you appear to have your mind made up, regardless of what you're saying, but don't say we didn't warn ya when the shyt hits the fan.

P.S. YOU WANT TO DATE A GUY THAT STILL LIVES AT HOME??????? (I just saw that line). Damn, a man don't have to do jack shyt these days to get some booty...
 
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keisha31 said:
Hello ladies,

I was with the guy I told you about in the previous posting. Well he happen to be over and the cell phone rings. And he doesn't pick it up and then it rings again several times, I assumed it was his son's mother. But for some reason he says they can't get along that's why he doesn't see his son and chooses not to deal with her.

Please don't beat me up ladies but he lives at home with his family and I found out through snooping that he has to pay her $1400 a month after he finishes paying his arrears then it will go down to $1130 a month. Maybe he is still bitter that she took him for child support. I don't know.

When I say he is good with his family, he is good with his mother,sisters and brothers. The one thing I know that he is good to his daughter. He does anything for her but I don't understand why not his son.

Should I try to be there for him in this difficult time. He says he has his bad days but I don't understand why he doesn't reach out for his son. Any feed back would be nice.....
Click to expand...

so he chooses not to see his son? wat other proof do u need? he said he chooses not to see the mother of his son which means he chooses not to see his son, if someone wanted to see someone real bad they wouldnt care if there was a hungry lion in front of them they would find a way so please stop making excuses for this man he is grown enough to know what he can do to at least try and see his son, and he has the audacity to be mad at the mother for getting him to support HIS baby. I have a feeling you have already made up your mind that you want to be with this man cause the ladies on this board have given you sound advice

if i was you i would run for the hills because i do not date a man with multiple kids as well as one who lives at home with his mama :look: and doesnt make ANY effort to see his son..what is in it for me?? way too much baggage
 
Okay ladies I just wanted add one more thing. He has his daughter full-time. He was married before and divorced. But I guess the agreement is that he has her full-time. The mother cheated and he divorced her. But he is really good to his daughter. Now does that make you a good father because you take care of one and not the other. I feel that he is not stepping up to plate when it comes to his son.
 
keisha31 said:
Okay ladies I just wanted add one more thing. He has his daughter full-time. He was married before and divorced. But I guess the agreement is that he has her full-time. The mother cheated and he divorced her. But he is really good to his daughter. Now does that make you a good father because you take care of one and not the other. I feel that he is not stepping up to plate when it comes to his son.
Click to expand...

You are right. Imagine how that child would feel knowing how his father treats him compared to his sibling. Very sad. :nono:

You have to determine if it's a deal breaker for you. Ask yourself if you have kids with him and for some reason yall fall out and then he igs your child, how would you feel about him ?
 
I say this in all kindness but what more do you need for him to do for you to be done with him? Yes, he does take care of his daughter! But like Chris Rock said, "So what? You want a cookie! You're supposed to take care of your kids!" Regardless of whether his son's mother is Queens of the Whores, that's still HIS son!! Point blank!!!! It was his poor judgment in dealing with a below average woman and then having sex with her.

Nowadays if a man tells a woman he has two children, she needs to multiply that number by 2/3! I know you are a single mother and want to try to help him but you cannot turn a boy into a man. And in the event you keep trying, you will get hurt!!! Do you want that?

Let this man go, stop making excuses for him and move on! I know it's easier said than done but do you want to be his third baby mama? Do you want to be treated the same way he treats his son's mother. You deserve better!

Good luck sweetie!
 
Bunny77 said:
Okay see, you've gotten plenty of feedback, but it's not the feedback that YOU want to hear, so you keep making excuses for him.

People do this all the time on message boards (and in real life). They KNOW something isn't right, but they want to hear someone tell them to "hang in there" because they know they want to be with the man in question even though there are 50-11 red flags telling them to back up.

What more do you need to hear? Do you want us to say, "Aww, poor him, being taken by that evil baby mama... stay by that strong black man and lift him up! You're better than that hoe anyway and he'd never do that to you!"

Come on now, wake up. And his ex SHOULD get every bit of child support that she's asking for... after all, he is the father and he needs to support his child. I don't even know why you are trying to justify his "bitterness" by saying she 'took him' for child support.

GOOD FOR HER!

(And I sincerely HOPE that you have done the same thing and are getting child support from your daughter's father.)

Look, do what you want to do with this man you're "in love with," since you appear to have your mind made up, regardless of what you're saying, but don't say we didn't warn ya when the shyt hits the fan.

P.S. YOU WANT TO DATE A GUY THAT STILL LIVES AT HOME??????? (I just saw that line). Damn, a man don't have to do jack shyt these days to get some booty...
Click to expand...

I'm sayin'!!!!!

I kick myself over and over for not being born male. If I'd been smarter in the choice I could run train through women, scatter semen all over, ignore the resulting children and as long as I was "good to my momma and sundry family" I'd be deemed a "Family Man" by some folks.

I picked ovaries over testes. What the hell was I thinking?
 
Keisha,according to your post, you two aren't even "together" anyway. You've just started seeing each other, but not seriously.

You need to take off your superman cape and stop thinking of coming to his rescue. I can't believe you'd even think of calling his baby's mama and talking to her about the situation. That is completely unnecessary, especially if he's not even officially your man.

The situation between him and his son is none of your business. Don't try to get involved, espeically if you and he aren't that deeply involved.
 
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Maybe you should see how he spend time with you and your child. If he enjoys your child then maybe the other mother really is withholding his child from him. The most important thing is to find out if he is willinglly paying child support to her, because that is someone you don't won't to hook up with. Because it shows he is irresponsible and will do the same thing to you if you were to have his baby.
 
keisha31 said:
Hello ladies,

I was with the guy I told you about in the previous posting. Well he happen to be over and the cell phone rings. And he doesn't pick it up and then it rings again several times, I assumed it was his son's mother. But for some reason he says they can't get along that's why he doesn't see his son and chooses not to deal with her.

Please don't beat me up ladies but he lives at home with his family and I found out through snooping that he has to pay her $1400 a month after he finishes paying his arrears then it will go down to $1130 a month. Maybe he is still bitter that she took him for child support. I don't know.

When I say he is good with his family, he is good with his mother,sisters and brothers. The one thing I know that he is good to his daughter. He does anything for her but I don't understand why not his son.

Should I try to be there for him in this difficult time. He says he has his bad days but I don't understand why he doesn't reach out for his son. Any feed back would be nice.....
Click to expand...

OOps, now I see. He does pay child support. I think you should give him a chance. Who knows what happen. Maybe he think the child isn't his or they argue to much when they see each other that he doesn't even want to visit the child.
 
If it were me I wouldn't get involved. I do not want to deal with any baby mama drama, and I cannot respect any man who does not take care of his child. Paying child support is good but he needs to be involved with his child on a daily basis. What's to say if you get involved and have a child by him he won't do you the same way. But it's not me so I can only tell you to do what you think will be best for you.
 
What kind of future can you have with a man who has two children that he doesn't take care of..your instincts are telling you right. Leave him alone..you can do better. :)
 
Pookie25 said:
Maybe you should see how he spend time with you and your child. If he enjoys your child then maybe the other mother really is withholding his child from him. The most important thing is to find out if he is willinglly paying child support to her, because that is someone you don't won't to hook up with. Because it shows he is irresponsible and will do the same thing to you if you were to have his baby.
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Ummm, no......I seriously disagree with this.

Why the hell should she use HER child to figure out why he's not doing for HIS child? That makes absolutely no sense to me.

If the mother is keeping the son from him and he's paying child support but wants to be involved in his life, he could very well go to court for visitation rights.

He sounds to me like for whatever reason, he doesn't wanna be bothered. He either resents the mother or the amount of money in CS he's paying or both.
 
Laginappe said:
I'm sayin'!!!!!

I kick myself over and over for not being born male. If I'd been smarter in the choice I could run train through women, scatter semen all over, ignore the resulting children and as long as I was "good to my momma and sundry family" I'd be deemed a "Family Man" by some folks.

I picked ovaries over testes. What the hell was I thinking?
Click to expand...

seriously.


you are making too many excuses for this guy. being a present father just one of his children doesn't make him a good father. he is responsible for the life of a human being and refuses to accept that because he has issues with the mother. that's a shytty excuse if ever i heard one. no man denies his own child because of issues he has with the mother, someone he chose to have sex with anyway.

i'm sorry but i'm really not buying that she managed to keep a pregnancy top secret until she delivered that kid. i think that's just a line he fed you to make him look like a "better" man.

if you are having issues trusting this guy from the get-go then you are heading for even bigger problems 6, 9, 12 months down the line. if i were in your shoes, this relationship would never have even got off the ground. he seems spineless and has traits in a man which i deeply detest.

oh yeah, and i'll never believe that a man will pay child support if he has doubts in his mind about the child being his. but saying that he does anyway, he needs to get a paternity test asap. i agree with mzlady78 that seeing how he interacts with your own child will not give you insight why he isn't present in his son's life. saying that it does is not even logical, imo.
 
Pookie25 said:
Maybe you should see how he spend time with you and your child. If he enjoys your child then maybe the other mother really is withholding his child from him. The most important thing is to find out if he is willinglly paying child support to her, because that is someone you don't won't to hook up with. Because it shows he is irresponsible and will do the same thing to you if you were to have his baby.
Click to expand...

err r u serious?? :ohwell: she should introduce her child as an experiment to see how this guy REALLY is?? child support at the end of the day is worth diddly squat cause if he is required BY LAW to pay it then its not like he can opt out of it, at the end of the day u cant measure someones responsibility by if he shells out child support for his kids but whether if he takes care of them and sees them on a weekly basis or has gone to court/ is still in court fighting to get the mother to grant him visitation rights if that is the case.
 
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Pookie25 said:
OOps, now I see. He does pay child support. I think you should give him a chance. Who knows what happen. Maybe he think the child isn't his or they argue to much when they see each other that he doesn't even want to visit the child.
Click to expand...

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