I'm Doing this for YOU...?

[lana]

I said this to my husband this morning. I was getting some paperwork taken care of at the DMV. And as we were walking out (not getting to do what we came there for because we were missing one original document) the door slammed on the way out. SOOOO...my husband who likes to joke I guess at inappropriate times says "Are you angry?" and I said "No why would I be angry, I'm doing this for you, not just me" or something like that. Well of course he gets SUPER offended! He says, "Oh so you're doing me a favor now?" and I said, "Not a favor, I'm doing what a wife does to help her husband." Then when I realized he's just going to be offended and pissed because he swears I'm RUDE...I just shut up and said to myself don't say another word.

You guys my internal monitor is obviously not working, was I WRONG? Did I somehow hurt his ego? Is HE being too sensitive? He's not working THIS WEEK (contractor) so he's tough to be around already.

Help me understand this situation please.

P.S. The door jam was BROKEN and of course I did not slam that door and he knew it too. I really thought he believed I slammed it because I (his wife) couldn't tell he was joking.

Lana

 

[filthyfresh]

I'm not married but my SO acts the same way sometimes.

I think they're being overly sensitive and kind of blaiming it on us being rude because they don't want to say they're sensitive or say what's really on their mind/heart. I don't think you were wrong in saying that "I'm doing this for you, not just me." Because that's a true statement. I think he may have taken it the wrong way. Plus he's not working this week so you saying that might have hurt his ego. You may have to suck it up and take one for the team & apologize (even though you didn't do anything...LOL.) and talk it out.

Say, "Look [DH's name], I didn't mean to offend you earlier and I apologize if I did. I wasn't angry at all. The DMV isn't my most favorite place to be, but I'm your wife. I don't mind helping you with anything or going anywhere with you. Can we just resolve this so we can enjoy our time together this week?"

How does that sound? Too sappy? LOL.

 

[lana]

No it doesn't sound too sappy....I agree that his ego was hurting and I didn't recognize it. I also didn't mean anything negative by my statement. I just meant why would I slam the door, I'm not upset. I guess that's what I should have said. But I was disappointed and just couldn't believe he was thinking I had slammed that door when my nerves where already SHOT! But then it registered that he was actually joking. I just said all the wrong things and I need to learn. We're newlyweds so this is just gonna take time.

Edited to say: I apologized sincerely and it looks like we're back on track.

Lana

 

[filthyfresh]

No it doesn't sound too sappy, but I'm just getting tired of taking one for the team. I'm feeling really unappreciated here. I'm late to work trying to get our personal business in order...I agree that his ego was hurting and I didn't recognize it. I also didn't mean anything negative by my statement. I just meant why would I slam the door, I'm not upset. I guess that's what I should have said. But I was disappointed and just couldn't believe he was thinking I had slammed that door when my nerves where already SHOT!

So yeah...it looks like I have to apologize again.

Lana

Girl...I know the feeling! LOL. Well in the course of talking things out maybe you could let him know that you're feeling unappreciated and maybe that's what he was picking up on? And throw in what you said at the bolded.

 

[Farida]

The way you answered him says a lot. Whether or not it was your intention, it sounds passive aggressive. If nothing was bothering you and he asked you if you were angry, your response would've been simply, "Why would I be angry?"

When you added "I'm doing this for you, not me," that implied that you were upset, frustrated or slightly miffed by having do this. Depending on your tone of voice it may even be sarcastic. The fact that he asked a broad question and you narrowed down to "doing it for him, not you" says something.

It could be that he read too much into what you said, but ask yourself why you said what you said, tone etc. Sometimes

 

[lana]

filthyfresh - Your apology worked, I thought it over and that's exactly what I meant to say and that's how I feel too. He accepted my apology and plus I think he realized he was being oversensitive (ego). I gotta remember that men have huge ego's that need to be stroked, not knocked down. Thank you so much for your feedback girl!

vivmaiko - I did ask myself why I said it and it comes down to feeling rushed, stressed and irritated with him for joking with me when I didn't think anything was funny because I was already rushed and stressed. (not a good combination for me).

All in all I'm learning how to be a good wife and at least I'm willing to find out if I was wrong and try my best not to make these types of mistakes in the future. Thanks ladies!

 

[Farida]

filthyfresh - Your apology worked, I thought it over and that's exactly what I meant to say and that's how I feel too. He accepted my apology and plus I think he realized he was being oversensitive (ego). I gotta remember that men have huge ego's that need to be stroked, not knocked down. Thank you so much for your feedback girl!

vivmaiko - I did ask myself why I said it and it comes down to feeling rushed, stressed and irritated with him for joking with me when I didn't think anything was funny because I was already rushed and stressed. (not a good combination for me).

All in all I'm learning how to be a good wife and at least I'm willing to find out if I was wrong and try my best not to make these types of mistakes in the future. Thanks ladies!

Glad to know it was resolved. You have a good attitude about your marriage. Try and maintain it.