I'll marry you if you change your name...

[meesch]

Maybe dude just doesn't want other dude's name on his marriage license. Is that really so ridiculous?

yes, it is.

basically, this is saying all the legal ramifications of changing your legal name are trumped by his po wittle feewings being hurt at "another man's name" on his marriage license.

 

[nappystorm]

For me personally, I am not hell bent on keeping my ex's name it means nothing to me which is why it doesn't bother that I still have it. I could understand a man having a problem with it if after they got married the women still didn't want to change her name....then yes that's an issue.

People really don't understand that going through a name change is not the easiest process and it can open the door for confusion. I was denied credit recently due to having more than one name under my ssn number, although I was able to straighten it out these are the types of things that can happen when you're changing your name back and forth.

People have different reasons for not changing their name back and it is not always because they have some type of attachment to their ex.

I never said that.

 

[Syrah]

but her point of view is reasonable and his, as far as i can tell, has no logical reasoning at all. there are many reasons not to change your legal name - for example if it is also your professional name - particularly if you are just IMMEDIATELY going to change it to something else AGAIN, apart from it being symbolic and a waste of time. i cant think of any reason why this would matter to a man at all.

she needs to dump him, he is a clown. i feel sorry for her that she even wants to marry him.

I just told you why it would matter to a man. Her past relationship will become a legal and permanent part of their future. Would it matter to me? No.

But I think saying that he's the one with the problem is silly. She's not married because she's choosing not to meet the requirements for marriage.

You don't go to a job where they say French is a requirement for the job, not knowing a lick of French talking about "why won't they give me the job?". The job isn't silly for caring about French. The applicant is a silly for wondering why he/she can't land the job.

 

[Tamster]

You are asking for the logic behind his request - in the same way that we question why it matters, why does it matter so much to her that she won't change her name back for the brief period of time before she marries NewDude and takes his last name? In other words - I think its a moot point.

He told her from jump that he wanted to marry her and would propose once she changed her name. If SHE was really serious about marrying him, wouldn't she just do it? OR tell him she won't EVER do it so they can move on...?

but thats retarded. i wouldnt marry someone who would ask for something so stupid. if he wanted to marry her he would just do it. this is a really dumb issue.

she probably does want to marry him, but that doesnt mean she should capitulate on something so random and set the precedent for him to ask for more petty stupid ****.

 

[Syrah]

yes, it is.

basically, this is saying all the legal ramifications of changing your legal name are trumped by his po wittle feewings being hurt at "another man's name" on his marriage license.

All what legal ramifications? You're making a lot of assumptions about the use of her current name or the name she'd use in the meantime. Its a piece of paper you go and submit. Done.

Maybe he's looking for her to sever ties with her ex. Maybe she does still have attachments to him and maybe he's just looking for her to be like "yep, I'm done". If that's silly...agree to disagree. What's silly is her writing a letter wondering "why he won't marry me".

 

[Fine 4s]

I heard this also and OP left out some important details. Dude told her this 1 year into their relationship - I want to marry you, but I won't until you change your name back. At the time she wrote the Strawberry Letter, they were at year 3, going on 4. She had asked him numerous times when he was going to propose and his answer has been consistent "when you change your name".

If she wanted to marry him, and he's told her his ONE condition for marriage then is it really him that is stalling and making excuses??

I can't stand Steve Harvey. But I'm with him on this one.

I get it too. This is why one ought to not judge so quickly b/c if we were in this situation no matter how petty is seems, maybe just maybe we'd be calling Steve Harvey too I mean email LHCF too! Relationship matters are just never black and white.

it just occurred to me that steve harveys entire agenda, under a benign guise, is to encourage bw to fold to whatever perspective and decision their mate (usually a bm, if they are asking steve harvey for advice) wants them to do.



the money wasnt even a consideration of mine, my problem is this is controlling and petty and overall ridiculous.

But if it's a controlling situation that can potentially be serious and so it's not ridiculous IMO.

I mean to each his own but I wouldnt be holding on to a kneegrow's name I divorced. *kanye shrug*

Exactly! Wasn't there a KK episode where the mother wanted to use her deceased ex husbands name, Kardashian. I remember the issue was how hurtful it was to her current husband. For her it was a business decision which she ended up not doing to believe....

However - does your perspective change at all if dude said this from JUMP (that he wouldn't propose until she changed her name) and that she wrote the letter 3 years later wondering why they still aren't married?

No matter how petty it is to us and maybe to her, dude told her from JUMP! And NOW she wants to ask for support. Nah, who's really stalling?

You are asking for the logic behind his request - in the same way that we question why it matters, why does it matter so much to her that she won't change her name back for the brief period of time before she marries NewDude and takes his last name? In other words - I think its a moot point.

He told her from jump that he wanted to marry her and would propose once she changed her name. If SHE was really serious about marrying him, wouldn't she just do it?

Yep yep!
Good points on both sides but bottom line is it ain't petty if decisions are being postponed because of it. Some of us have been confused over stuff that's even MORE petty on here LOLOLOL!!!!

 

[PopLife]

You are asking for the logic behind his request - in the same way that we question why it matters, why does it matter so much to her that she won't change her name back for the brief period of time before she marries NewDude and takes his last name? In other words - I think its a moot point.

He told her from jump that he wanted to marry her and would propose once she changed her name. If SHE was really serious about marrying him, wouldn't she just do it? OR tell him she won't EVER do it so they can move on...?

Yes, he told her from jump but the issue in my opinion still goes back to why is it such a big deal if her name will change to his once they get married.

I just don't agree with Steve telling her to give in on something so petty. She's been good enough for him to date for three years with that name, so why is it such an issue to change it before marriage?

It makes no sense for her to waste time and money going through two name changes just to satisfy his ego....cuz that's what it really boils down to imo.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

She should have kicked him to curb when he first brought that mess up. What sense would it make to change your name then damn near immediately change it again? You have to get new drivers license, SS card, credit cards, business cards etc. dude sounds like an idiot.

 

[meesch]

I just told you why it would matter to a man. Her past relationship will become a legal and permanent part of their future. Would it matter to me? No.

But I think saying that he's the one with the problem is silly. She's not married because she's choosing not to meet the requirements for marriage.

You don't go to a job where they say French is a requirement for the job, not knowing a lick of French talking about "why won't they give me the job?". The job isn't silly for caring about French. The applicant is a silly for wondering why he/she can't land the job.

again, we are talking about VALIDITY of such a prerequisite.

a prereq of knowing french before you take a french job makes sense.

a prereq of having a certain name before you get a new name MAKES NO SENSE. to go along with your example, if the prereq for getting the french job was giving the recruiter a blow job, you wouldn't do that to get the position, would you?

if he was saying "i won't marry you until you get an hiv test" then his prereq is absolutely valid.

this one is completely invalid, and entirely irrelevant. i and several other posters have already enumerated some of the unavoidable consequences of legally changing your name, so it doesn't have anything to do with her situation/name personally.

 

[Syrah]

but thats retarded. i wouldnt marry someone who would ask for something so stupid. if he wanted to marry her he would just do it. this is a really dumb issue.

she probably does want to marry him, but that doesnt mean she should capitulate on something so random and set the precedent for him to ask for more petty stupid ****.

But SHE wrote the letter asking Steve/Shirley why HE won't marry HER. I don't get how its a dumb issue in one direction (him wanting her to change it) but not a dumb issue in the other direction (her not wanting to change it or her wondering why they're still not married).

Professionally, she doesn't have to do anything.

 

[Syrah]

Yes, he told her from jump but the issue in my opinion still goes back to why is it such a big deal if her name will change to his once they get married.

I just don't agree with Steve telling her to give in on something so petty. She's been good enough for him to date for three years with that name, so why is it such an issue to change it before marriage?

It makes no sense for her to waste time and money going through two name changes just to satisfy his ego....cuz that's what it really boils down to imo.

Are you married?

 

[caltron]

the money wasnt even a consideration of mine, my problem is this is controlling and petty and overall ridiculous.

Yeah, this is exactly what I thought. Very controlling, and if she bends on this, she will encounter more and more incidents just like this through the entire marriage. It's not just a small thing to change your name, especially as you get older.

 

[Tamster]

But SHE wrote the letter asking Steve/Shirley why HE won't marry HER. I don't get how its a dumb issue in one direction (him wanting her to change it) but not a dumb issue in the other direction (her not wanting to change it or her wondering why they're still not married).

Professionally, she doesn't have to do anything.

Name changes are a pain in the arse. Hes dumb for asking for it, and I get why shes wondering... shes probably like, could dude really be that serious about it? like REALLY? he REALLY cares? Maybe now she's finally realized hes an idiot.

She shouldnt want to do something so petty and meaningless and waste the time, energy and money. She's dumb for wondering why they arent married and for still wanting to marry such a ridic person.

She's also dumb for writing to Steve Harvey of all people about it. Maybe they deserve eachother, lol. dummies.

 

[Syrah]

Name changes are a pain in the arse. Hes dumb for asking for it, and I get why shes wondering... shes probably like, could dude really be that serious about it? like REALLY? he REALLY cares? Maybe now she's finally realized hes an idiot.

She shouldnt want to do something so petty and meaningless and waste the time, energy and money. She's dumb for wondering why they arent married and for still wanting to marry such a ridic person.

She's also dumb for writing to Steve Harvey of all people about it. Maybe they deserve eachother, lol. dummies.

She was on the radio asking "why he won't marry me?" not "is something wrong with him for this request?".

 

[Tamster]

She was on the radio asking "why he won't marry me?" not "is something wrong with him for asking?".

So they are both dumb.

harvey's advice was to capitulate just so that he would marry her. thats the wrong move.

shes asking why wont he marry me, probably thinking that something SO petty couldn't be at the heart of this. And its not. He probably just wants to see how far she will bend for him. If she does this then what else will she do? MHMM.

 

[PopLife]

But SHE wrote the letter asking Steve/Shirley why HE won't marry HER. I don't get how its a dumb issue in one direction (him wanting her to change it) but not a dumb issue in the other direction (her not wanting to change it or her wondering why they're still not married).

Professionally, she doesn't have to do anything.

I agree that it was silly for her to write the letter wondering why he won't marry her. I think we all know why he won't marry her but I just can't understand Steve's suggesting that she give in and totally overlook the fact that the ultimatum her bf is giving her is a bit petty. He made it seem like the bf's logic was on point...that's the part I disagree with.

but thats retarded. i wouldnt marry someone who would ask for something so stupid. if he wanted to marry her he would just do it. this is a really dumb issue.

she probably does want to marry him, but that doesnt mean she should capitulate on something so random and set the precedent for him to ask for more petty stupid ****.

and this is part of the reason I have a problem with it...

 

[meesch]

i bet if she changed her name he would just come up with a different reason why he can't get married yet

 

[PopLife]

Are you married?

No, I am divorced (still have my ex's name) and have dealt with the whole name change process. I plan to remarry and have no problem changing my name then.

ETA: Yes, being married I know it is all about sacrificing, stroking a man's ego, yada yada...but where do you draw the line?

 

[nappystorm]

i bet if she changed her name he would just come up with a different reason why he can't get married yet

I think so too. He needs to either date someone who has never been married, already changed their name back, or never changed it in the first place if it's such an issue.

 

[Syrah]

No, I am divorced (still have my ex's name) and have dealt with the whole name change process. I plan to remarry and have no problem changing my name then.

ETA: Yes, being married I know it is all about sacrificing, storking a man's ego, yada yada...but where do you draw the line?

I agree with "where you draw the line" because there's a precedent being set. My only point is its silly to wonder why it hasn't happened when the answer is obvious. Dude hasn't changed his tune. So you either decide you want to be with dude and acquiesce or you decide you don't and keep it moving. You don't sit around wondering "why?" especially when he's told you his deal from jump and has been consistent about that.

ETA: Its also tough to say that the request is random - not enough info to say one way or the other.

 

[MD_Lady]

...Steve Harvey basically sided with the man and said that “it’s just a man thing” and the woman needs to go ahead and change her name back. I am on the fence with this topic because I can understand the boyfriend being bothered by the woman still having her ex-husband’s last name but wouldn’t all of that be resolved if they just got married and she would have his new last name...

Of course. If this issue is that important to someone, they should marry someone whose on the same page instead of trying to bully someone into doing something they don't want to do. IMO, it's not about anyone being petty as much as it is people having different values.

 

[nappyeditor]

I don't think he will marry her, name change or not. My husband is always talking about how guys know if they want to marry someone, and how if they really want to they go ahead and do it.

I think the reason is stupid, can't imagine up any rational explanation for it but of the man said it a year ago, he already said he didn't want to marry her without saying it. I'm sure she ha already said how she wouldn't do until She got remarried.

It's how my ex boyfriend would go on and on about how he wanted a traditional Catholic wedding. I'm not Catholic and would not be converting or taking classes or any of that. He was saying he wouldn't be marrying ME.

 

[PopLife]

I don't think he will marry her, name change or not. My husband is always talking about how guys know if they want to marry someone, and how if they really want to they go ahead and do it.

I think the reason is stupid, can't imagine up any rational explanation for it but of the man said it a year ago, he already said he didn't want to marry her without saying it. I'm sure she ha already said how she wouldn't do until She got remarried.

It's how my ex boyfriend would go on and on about how he wanted a traditional Catholic wedding. I'm not Catholic and would not be converting or taking classes or any of that. He was saying he wouldn't be marrying ME.

I really think he is using the whole name thing as an excuse. If he really had a problem with her name why is he still with her. It's like he's more attached to the name than she is...

 

[ChasingBliss]

He's giving an excuse for not marrying her.

Stupid people with stupid problems calling into Steve Harveyu show. Big surprise

THANK YOU! There is nothing else more to it than that. It's amazing how we women think into everything when half the time, what we are wasting brain energy on is nothing but a game for many men.

That was straight up an excuse, he knows that she aint gonna really go through all that bs just to get married to him....then again maybe she will. But in the mean time, it will cause all types of arguments and grief and eventually end the relationship or buy him time for what he really wants to do...mission accomplished. IMO

 

[aribell]

It really doesn't matter if anyone else thinks his insistence on a name change is silly. In the time she's dated him, she could have done the change, been married and on with her life by now.

For whatever reason, he attaches some kind of significance to her having her ex-DH's last name. Maybe he has the wrong idea of her motives, maybe he just doesn't get it. But he has some kind of perception about the significance of last names, which is his prerogative..even if most people wouldn't care.

I don't see how a person can date someone for years, sleep with them (most likely), contemplate a future together, and then turn around and say it would be too much of a hassle to do a name change. Yeah, they might be a pain, but fairly insignificant in comparison to the actual relationship, and eventual marriage.

Not everything we do for people we love has to make sense to us. She would be merely inconvenienced, not harmed. It's not like he asked her to hand over her left foot.

 

[faithVA]

I don't think he will marry her, name change or not. My husband is always talking about how guys know if they want to marry someone, and how if they really want to they go ahead and do it.

I think the reason is stupid, can't imagine up any rational explanation for it but of the man said it a year ago, he already said he didn't want to marry her without saying it. I'm sure she ha already said how she wouldn't do until She got remarried.

It's how my ex boyfriend would go on and on about how he wanted a traditional Catholic wedding. I'm not Catholic and would not be converting or taking classes or any of that. He was saying he wouldn't be marrying ME.

I agree with this. I don't foresee him marrying her. And she knows he isn't going to marry her. It has nothing to do with a name change on either side.

 

[PopLife]

It really doesn't matter if anyone else thinks his insistence on a name change is silly. In the time she's dated him, she could have done the change, been married and on with her life by now.

For whatever reason, he attaches some kind of significance to her having her ex-DH's last name. Maybe he has the wrong idea of her motives, maybe he just doesn't get it. But he has some kind of perception about the significance of last names, which is his prerogative..even if most people wouldn't care.

I don't see how a person can date someone for years, sleep with them (most likely), contemplate a future together, and then turn around and say it would be too much of a hassle to do a name change. Yeah, they might be a pain, but fairly insignificant in comparison to the actual relationship, and eventual marriage.

Not everything we do for people we love has to make sense to us. She would be merely inconvenienced, not harmed. It's not like he asked her to hand over her left foot.

Too me, he's more attached to the name than she is. If he can't look past a name (that will be changed once they get married) what other silly little hang ups will he not be able to look past in the future.

The reason I feel like it's just a stall tactic is if her name bothered him so much there are two logical solutions 1. leave her and move on with your life or 2. marry her and get the name changed already.

I think this goes beyond the name change and is a look into what her future will be like with him.

 

[Rina88]

Dang he won't even propose? What does that have to do with her last name?

 

[hopeful]

They are both playing games and wasting time. He is not going to marry her and she knows it. This way she can save face, humph I refused to change my name back to my maiden name and that's why we aren't married yet. It's a win win or a lose lose depending on how you look at it.

 

[Theo]

well, the fact that he told her from the jump changes things IMO.

As of right now, I'm learning towards not changing my name when I get married for professional and cultural reasons. I let every guy I date know this. If a couple years down the line, he proposes and expects me to change my name, we're gonna have problems.... cuz I told him. I certainly wouldn't want to marry someone who seems to take my desires on something so serious that lightly. Why should it be any different on the flipside?

He's not being unreasonable IMO. I see what you ladies are saying abt him not wanting to marry her, period... and that might be true, but I don't think we have enough details to really make that statement, and truthfully, she walked right into that.