I'll marry you if you change your name...

[PopLife]

So, I was listening to the Steve Harvey morning show the other day and the Strawberry Letter was on this topic. Basically a divorced women wrote in who is dating a guy of three years and the man refuses to propose to her until she changes back to her maiden name.

Steve Harvey basically sided with the man and said that “it’s just a man thing” and the woman needs to go ahead and change her name back. I am on the fence with this topic because I can understand the boyfriend being bothered by the woman still having her ex-husband’s last name but wouldn’t all of that be resolved if they just got married and she would have his new last name.

I really don’t see the point in the woman giving in by going back to her maiden name just to turn right back around and change it to the boyfriend’s last name (this was the woman who worte the letter thoughts too).

What are your thoughts? Who do you think is being petty in this situation?

 

[meesch]

i can't imagine why any man would care about this...

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Well wouldn't she change to his name once they got married? This is dumb lol

 

[MzLady78]

Well, he wouldn't be proposing then.

One, I wouldn't change it because it doesn't make sense to, just to change it to his later. Also, I don't take too kindly to ultimatums and manipulation.

I do not know ONE woman who changed her name back after she divorced. Not a single one.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

That's hella silly and a waste of money. TWO name changes? One to change it back to her maiden name and another once she picks up her dh's last name. RIDICULOUS!

 

[O-ren]

He's giving an excuse for not marrying her.

Stupid people with stupid problems calling into Steve Harveyu show. Big surprise

 

[PopLife]

Well wouldn't she change to his name once they got married? This is dumb lol

Right, which is why I couldn't understand why Steve would advise her to change back to her maiden name. I think the guy is being extremely petty and slightly insecure. I never really like the relationship advice that Steve Harvey gives tho.

 

[auparavant]

Is this guy a Neanderthal? What difference does it make? Oh, 500.00?? She should seriously evaluate her relationship with this man. She's still going to have a "maiden" put on the marriage certificate!

 

[meesch]

Right, which is why I couldn't understand why Steve would advise her to change back to her maiden name. I think the guy is being extremely petty and slightly insecure. I never really like the relationship advice that Steve Harvey gives tho.

i feel sorry for anyone asking for his advice. i cringe when i hear ppl irl recommending his books yes, i want relationship advice from a man whose been married like 4 times

 

[mzcris]

I personally don't see what others see in Steve at all. The books he writes are garbage in my opionion.

And besides if a man truly wants to marry you that name thing wouldn't even be an issue. he is making excuses.

 

[PopLife]

That's hella silly and a waste of money. TWO name changes? One to change it back to her maiden name and another once she picks up her dh's last name. RIDICULOUS!

The topic grabbed my attention because my SO jokes a lot (never seriously) about me still having my ex's last name but my thoughts are if it really bothers you that much shut up and marry me.
I never changed my name back becuase I plan on getting remarried and don't want to go through unecessary name changes if it can be avoided.

 

[auparavant]

When I divorced, I took on a traditional name with my maiden name for my benefit. I will never change my name when I remarry. I didn't need to keep his name, the kids have it and know who their dad is. In future, people will know who my parents were when checking genealogy etc. Best solution. I don't need to take a man's name to love him and be married to him. If such a person would attempt to psyche me into taking his name, then that person would have issues of control etc. and would not be a suitable mate for marriage, imho.

 

[Fine 4s]

Assuming the man pays for the name change fee. Would it still be an issue for those who zoned in on the money? Do they not get married because of this? Is it silly for her NOT to change it or silly of him to even want it? Listen, a lot of the situations we sometimes get ourselves into are silly and then what? What's next?
Someone's gotta budge. Who's it going to be?

 

[nappystorm]

So, I was listening to the Steve Harvey morning show the other day and the Strawberry Letter was on this topic. Basically a divorced women wrote in who is dating a guy of three years and the man refuses to propose to her until she changes back to her maiden name.

Steve Harvey basically sided with the man and said that “it’s just a man thing” and the woman needs to go ahead and change her name back. I am on the fence with this topic because I can understand the boyfriend being bothered by the woman still having her ex-husband’s last name but wouldn’t all of that be resolved if they just got married and she would have his new last name.

I really don’t see the point in the woman giving in by going back to her maiden name just to turn right back around and change it to the boyfriend’s last name (this was the woman who worte the letter thoughts too).

What are your thoughts? Who do you think is being petty in this situation?

Personally, I don't see why women are so hell bent on keeping the exes name but this is dumb. He can easily solve this problem by marrying her.

 

[meesch]

I personally don't see what others see in Steve at all. The books he writes are garbage in my opionion.

And besides if a man truly wants to marry you that name thing wouldn't even be an issue. he is making excuses.

it just occurred to me that steve harveys entire agenda, under a benign guise, is to encourage bw to fold to whatever perspective and decision their mate (usually a bm, if they are asking steve harvey for advice) wants them to do.

Assuming the man pays for the name change fee. Would it still be an issue for those who zoned in on the money? Do they not get married because of this? Is it silly for her NOT to change it or silly of him to even want it? Listen, a lot of the situations we sometimes get ourselves into are silly and then what? What's next?
Someone's gotta budge. Who's it going to be?

the money wasnt even a consideration of mine, my problem is this is controlling and petty and overall ridiculous.

 

[auparavant]

I mean "license," not the certificate. ^^^^ Silliness we get ourselves into. Are you suggesting she budge? Why?

it just occurred to me that steve harveys entire agenda, under a benign guise, is to encourage bw to fold to whatever perspective and decision their mate (usually a bm, if they are asking steve harvey for advice) wants them to do.

Yes, undercover Kneegrow pimp. And then throw singlehood into BW's faces cuz they won't do what a Kneegrow man wants them to do. I tell you, Black "burqa" society.

 

[MzLady78]

Personally, I don't see why women are so hell bent on keeping the exes name but this is dumb. He can easily solve this problem by marrying her.

I don't see it as being "hell bent" at all.

I gave this scenario in another thread where this came up. My parents married at 18, had 3 kids together and were married for 20+ years before they divorced. My mother never changed her name back. Why go back to a name she hasn't identified with in decades? By the time they divorced, she still had been her married name longer than she was her maiden name.

IDK, it's just not that serious to me.

 

[Syrah]

I heard this also and OP left out some important details. Dude told her this 1 year into their relationship - I want to marry you, but I won't until you change your name back. At the time she wrote the Strawberry Letter, they were at year 3, going on 4. She had asked him numerous times when he was going to propose and his answer has been consistent "when you change your name".

If she wanted to marry him, and he's told her his ONE condition for marriage then is it really him that is stalling and making excuses??

I can't stand Steve Harvey. But I'm with him on this one.

 

[auparavant]

I don't see it as being "hell bent" at all.

I gave this scenario in another thread where this came up. My parents married at 18, had 3 kids together and we're married for 20+ years before they divorced. My mother never changed her name back. Why go back to a name she hasn't identified with in decades, in addition to then having a different name than her children?

People will still refer to you as "Mrs. Someone" when you aren't someone's Mrs. at all. I know they can't help it at times, but? I don't mind having my name when my kids have their dad's at all. In some cultures, it's automatically this way, even in marriage. I don't see the problem. I was born into my family and didn't cease being my family cuz I got married. I think that (and this is my opinion) most women who hold onto the ex's name aren't quite over him and can't extricate themselves from his identity.

 

[meesch]

I heard this also and OP left out some important details. Dude told her this 1 year into their relationship - I want to marry you, but I won't until you change your name back. At the time she wrote the Strawberry Letter, they were at year 3, going on 4. She had asked him numerous times when he was going to propose and his answer has been consistent "when you change your name".

If she wanted to marry him, and he's told her his ONE condition for marriage then is it really him that is stalling and making excuses??

I can't stand Steve Harvey. But I'm with him on this one.

what i dont understand is why does it matter if she never went back to her maiden name?

 

[nappystorm]

I don't see it as being "hell bent" at all.

I gave this scenario in another thread where this came up. My parents married at 18, had 3 kids together and were married for 20+ years before they divorced. My mother never changed her name back. Why go back to a name she hasn't identified with in decades? By the time they divorced, she still had been her married name longer than she was her maiden name.

IDK, it's just not that serious to me.

I mean to each his own but I wouldnt be holding on to a kneegrow's name I divorced. *kanye shrug*

 

[Syrah]

it just occurred to me that steve harveys entire agenda, under a benign guise, is to encourage bw to fold to whatever perspective and decision their mate (usually a bm, if they are asking steve harvey for advice) wants them to do.

the money wasnt even a consideration of mine, my problem is this is controlling and petty and overall ridiculous.

However - does your perspective change at all if dude said this from JUMP (that he wouldn't propose until she changed her name) and that she wrote the letter 3 years later wondering why they still aren't married?

 

[Bublin]

Personally, I don't see why women are so hell bent on keeping the exes name but this is dumb. He can easily solve this problem by marrying her.

I believe most women keep their married name for practical reasons...work-life, kids school, documents etc etc.

 

[MzLady78]

People will still refer to you as "Mrs. Someone" when you aren't someone's Mrs. at all. I know they can't help it at times, but? I don't mind having my name when my kids have their dad's at all. In some cultures, it's automatically this way, even in marriage. I don't see the problem. I was born into my family and didn't cease being my family cuz I got married. I think that (and this is my opinion) most women who hold onto the ex's name aren't quite over him and can't extricate themselves from his identity.

I couldn't disagree more, but as you said, that's your opinion. I can only imagine my mom's reaction to someone implying she's not over my dad.

Not only that but wouldn't that be assuming that said women were the ones on the receiving end of the divorce? Last time I checked, women end marriages too.

 

[MzLady78]

I believe most women keep their married name for practical reasons...work-life, kids school, documents etc etc.

I don't understand why it's so hard to believe that for most women, this probably is the reason. erplexed

 

[meesch]

However - does your perspective change at all if dude said this from JUMP (that he wouldn't propose until she changed her name) and that she wrote the letter 3 years later wondering why they still aren't married?

in the context of this question, no it's not a mystery why they are not married. (i probably would have broken up with this dude early on bc if he is that ridiculous on this issue im sure he's exhibiting equally ridiculous behavior in many other areas too.) but in the larger context of their relationship, i.e. "why is this so important to him that he won't marry me because of it and should i give in" no, my perspective doesn't change.

 

[Syrah]

what i dont understand is why does it matter if she never went back to her maiden name?

You are asking for the logic behind his request - in the same way that we question why it matters, why does it matter so much to her that she won't change her name back for the brief period of time before she marries NewDude and takes his last name? In other words - I think its a moot point.

He told her from jump that he wanted to marry her and would propose once she changed her name. If SHE was really serious about marrying him, wouldn't she just do it? OR tell him she won't EVER do it so they can move on...?

 

[PopLife]

Personally, I don't see why women are so hell bent on keeping the exes name but this is dumb. He can easily solve this problem by marrying her.

For me personally, I am not hell bent on keeping my ex's name it means nothing to me which is why it doesn't bother that I still have it. I could understand a man having a problem with it if after they got married the women still didn't want to change her name....then yes that's an issue.

People really don't understand that going through a name change is not the easiest process and it can open the door for confusion. I was denied credit recently due to having more than one name under my ssn number, although I was able to straighten it out these are the types of things that can happen when you're changing your name back and forth.

People have different reasons for not changing their name back and it is not always because they have some type of attachment to their ex.

 

[Syrah]

in the context of this question, no it's not a mystery why they are not married. (i probably would have broken up with this dude early on bc if he is that ridiculous on this issue im sure he's exhibiting equally ridiculous behavior in many other areas too.) but in the larger context of their relationship, i.e. "why is this so important to him that he won't marry me because of it and should i give in" no, my perspective doesn't change.

Maybe dude just doesn't want other dude's name on his marriage license. Is that really so ridiculous?

 

[meesch]

You are asking for the logic behind his request - in the same way that we question why it matters, why does it matter so much to her that she won't change her name back for the brief period of time before she marries NewDude and takes his last name? In other words - I think its a moot point.

He told her from jump that he wanted to marry her and would propose once she changed her name. If SHE was really serious about marrying him, wouldn't she just do it?

but her point of view is reasonable and his, as far as i can tell, has no logical reasoning at all. there are many reasons not to change your legal name - for example if it is also your professional name - particularly if you are just IMMEDIATELY going to change it to something else AGAIN, apart from it being symbolic and a waste of time. i cant think of any reason why this would matter to a man at all.

she needs to dump him, he is a clown. i feel sorry for her that she even wants to marry him.