If you're in a "blended" family, get in here

janaq2003

janaq2003

Well-Known Member
I don't know about this one. I have a friend who just got engaged. She is a divorced mother of 2 girls. (he has a son and a teenage daughter who do not live with him) She is the total parent.(their father is worthless) Since her engagement, her daughters have been giving her lots of trouble and being disrepectful to the fiance. My friend is so stressed out with trying to make everyone happy, she is depressed and unable to be excited about her pending marriage. I feel so sorry for her but , I don't know what advice to give her. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated:yep:
 
Those girls are used to it being just them and their mom for the last 7-8 years. I guess the feel threatened. This relationship has moved rather quickly also. They were really upset because she did not "discuss" this over with them first.
 
Theres nothing to "discuss". They are children, not adults.

But i'd feel weird if my momma came home with a ring on her finger letting me know that i'm gonna get a new daddy out the blue.

The kids know she's been with him and have been around him, right? Did they all move in together or something?
 
I told her the same thing. Yes, he has been around them, spent time with the kids etc. Basically, treating them like they are his. They've been dating since Nov.
 
janaq2003 said:
I told her the same thing. Yes, he has been around them, spent time with the kids etc. Basically, treating them like they are his. They've been dating since Nov.
Click to expand...

That's not very long at all. Did she know him before they started dating and for how long? If she's only known him for 5 months then I can understand why the kids would be overwhelmed.
 
She should have talked over the changes with her daughters. Although they are "just children":rolleyes: they need time to process and understand the changes that are about to take place in their lives as well.

How involved with the girls is her fiancee?
 
Well.. now they are "cohabiting". And he is around all the time. He is very involved with them as a family.
 
The short time frame of this relationship is what catches my attention. I am not saying their behavior is right, but I can empathize with the girls that all of a sudden some strange dude (at five monthe he is still a stranger) is going to be living in their house, taking their mother's attention, and callin shots over their lives.

I think your friend really needs to look at things from the girls perspective, find a way to appropriately, openly, and honestly air their feelings and then she and FH need to really work on establishing a foundation to how things are going to be.
 
I think Nov is a really short period of time. Five months is when you begin introductions, if that IMO. So, I agree with others that its no surprise the girls are acting out.
 
The girls may not like how their mother is acting either. Sometimes chicks get to acting brand new when they have someone in their lives, and they may be able to sense that change in her. Mom might not be as available as she used to be because she's still learning how to divide her time between the new man and her daughters, and as a result her daughters feel like they're getting the short end of the stick.

I agree with the other posters, 5 months isn't very long to have gone from hello to housemate. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with that; there would be some serious background checking going on.

Even though the girls are "just children", they do deserve to have a voice and be heard. Mom should give them a chance to vent their feelings. Even if nothing changes, they may feel better because they got a chance to express how they are feeling.
 
I think that this is something that will improve in time. Yeah, I agree that it's probably a bit overwhelming for the kids for all this to have happened in 5 months.

So the kids had never met him before November? If not, he qualifies as a stranger.
 
It depends on how it all went down. Yes they are children but this is a MAJOR change in their life and it should be discussed not just thrown upon them. What are their ages (everybody including mom and fiance)?

I think 5 months is a quick time to have someone moving in with you and your girl kids. That is the still the early stages of relationship for me.

You go from it being all females and you can walk around half naked to now you have to cover up b/c a man lives with you. Before you could lay in your moms bed if you go scared or whatever and now you can't. I'd be pissed if it was not explained to me.

So she needs to talk to them and see what's the root of the problem..they may be overwhelmed and being rude is the only way they can have some control over the situation.
 
janaq2003 said:
Well.. now they are "cohabiting". And he is around all the time. He is very involved with them as a family.
Click to expand...


:ohwell:

I think it's alot really fast for the girls. How old are they? You know girls go through so many changes and mood swings, I'm sure it's alot for them to digest. I'm sure it's one of those things where why date for awhile when she's been married and has children (I wouldn't date a man longer than a year if I was divorced with kids either) but 5mths to meet, get engaged and move in is alot.

Does he notice how the girls are acting? How did they act before the engagement, did they like him then?

Your friend needs to sit down and explain to them that her love for them is completely different to how she feels for her fiancee and that he will never take their place.

On a side note, I hope she runs/ran a background check on him (especially since she has girls) these days you just never know what's going on with folk:nono:
 
Five months is way too soon. Heck, I don't even know if I'd let a guy meet my kids before 5 months let alone be living and engaged to him. I would definitely grill the girls about his behavior with them. I am funny about men around girls. Hopefully he's on the up and up and they are just not feeling the sudden changes.
 
:drowning:

1. The kids are acting up for the reason already mentioned... aka they have MC New Ninca in thier face 24/7 and they did not choose him. Anyone who has had a college roommate they did not choose should be able to relate to this. It's not fun.

2. I have heard the whole "he treats my kids like they were his own" before. :yawn: I strongly question a statement like that.... especially coming from a woman who is now getting good D on the regular when she didn't before. We all have been in a situation where you are so in love that you are blinded to a person's faults. :love: The kids are NOT blind to his faults, though. I wonder if they agree that he treats them like they are his.... :look: My guess is NOPE.

3. I've been down this road several times as a child. It is very hard on kids to go through this. It makes me SMH that a woman would have some dude around her children after 5 months. :spinning: Does she read the papers, or what?
 
LadyPaniolo said:
:spinning: Does she read the papers, or what?
Click to expand...

This was my exact thought....might be chester the molester movin on in for all she know...I would be pissed too!5 months and mama got this ninja movin in and he in draws in the middle of the night helpin hisself to my juice?!?!Nah playa......
 
Why did he move in? He would need to stay at his place until we got married. It is her decision not the kids. It does seem like she is moving so fast and it is disturbing to the girls. They have to adjust on their own time and pace. Keeping up with the Karshadians star Courtney had a hard time accepting Bruce as her step father. You can't force the kids to accept your SO but they do need to respect him.
 
As a person who has a stepmom and dad, looking at the time frame I can see why they are bothered. It is not right for any child to be disrespectful, but I find in these type of situations, parents do not put the children feelings in consideration. Yes they are just children but they need to adjust also. And I don't want to put too much of my personal business out there, but sometimes the kids can see little things that the parents cannot see bc they are so in love, and before you know it, so many years have been invested before they realize that it maybe should have never been.
 
Five months is waaaay too soon. I got married after being a single parent of two for awhile, but I met my now husband as well as let the kids meet and know him for at least three years before the thought of marriage was bought up.

Ask your friend what's the rush. Why not just date the guy and really get to know him before marriage.

Your friend may not have realized this, but any man that's getting "the goods" will treat the kids like his for a few months. How's he going to react when the kids talk back to him, when he has to cook for them and buy their clothes.

I don't think after a divorce/split that one necessarily has to be single until the kids are adults, but give it some time and really take what your kids think about a person into consideration.
 
I agree - 5 months is too fast for dating, engagement and moving in. I did not even meet my stepson until we had been dating for about 5 months and we did not live together until after the wedding - 2 years after that meeting.

I'm not sure if your friend did this, but I am the only woman that DH took around his son - EVER! If they have never seen a man with their mom it can be quite a shock.
 
I am a stepmother, with no biological children.

Put the five month issue aside, the woman is in love and it makes you do strange things

Some points for her to consider:

1) she needs to let her kids know that she doesn't expect them to LOVE him or even LIKE him but b/c he is there to stay they will be RESPECTFUL

2) he needs to understand point number one; it is apparent they don't like him, don't fake or force it just be himself and do what he thinks is right, the kids will either come around or harbor ill feelings but the parents have to know they tried to do the right thing

3) They need to parent together, get those girls used to it - they are in a like it or lump it situation at this point, this union is going to happen and lumping it disrespectfully aint gonna cut it

DH made it clear to my two kids that he wouldn't tolerate any type of disrespect towards me and even though I knew/know that my stepdaughter can't stand me, she knows that she can't act a fool either because there are consequences.
 
I am a stepmother with my own son and he has a daughter. We connected very quickly but knew we needed to give the children a time to even adjust to the idea of us even seeing each other and dating.

We took our time and knew that our love, dedication and commitment was real and time would only make it stronger even with being in different states. The whole process was about 4 years from dating to marriage and I do no regret the time it took.

I am old fashion so there was no living together we each had our own households. Before and after the wedding we took step parenting classes because statistics have shown that there is a 70-80% chance of divorce in blended families.

We were determined to shorten those odds at all cost. Our love was real as well as our commitment to each other, so we did what we had to, what we needed to in order to make it work.

Her children as well as the father's children need to adjust to this, I am not sure what to tell her since he is now living with them, but she needs to get them (the children) to open up about this and a dialogue going with all of them. Your friend and the fiance need to be real understanding of the situation or this could go real wrong real fast and quick like.

It was tough, rough and sometimes downright frustrating but we both now know that we did everything to get this family on the right foundation from jump. What my DH and I did as well as the time it took may not be for everybody but it worked for our family.
 
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