If love was truly color blind....

[Syrah]

I agree. One of my biggest pet peeves is the ignorance BP display toward their PR. I also think that there is a difference between only dating IR/wanting to or not wanting to date XYZ race and being willing to date any Xiao Ping, Tyrone, Pedro, John, or Kojo (lol!) that comes along and meets our criteria.

But again, this comes down to BM. BW will date a BM in a heartbeat. By and large, BM are the ones dissing and ditching BW. Not to mention their PR is not so great--as you said, alot of BW are thinking, "is this all there is?" and even when they see that it's not, alot of those "non Chad Ochocinco" men aren't checking for them.

I agree. I just, again, question whether the "I can't be with a black woman" is as prevalent as we're making it seem or is it that those who express the opinion either get or garner a lot of attention? Is it really that wide spread or is it just that when we do hear it from a few people it gets broadcast all over the place like its newspaper news...?

How many of us know these men who WONT date us? He's your brother, uncle, cousin, classmate, co-worker?

That being said, I'm all for checking for whoever is checking for you, and if said individual isn't black, too bad for black men. I just can't get down with the "I refuse to" mentality.

 

[ebonylocs]

I think those "I grew up with two parent" stories are a derail and have nothing to do with what is being discussed usually. How you gonna come into a conversation with someone saying "my experience was messed up because of xyz" and say "well, my experience was better, so, sorry, sucks to be you!" It completely invalidates the other person's experience PARTICULARLY WHEN the original claim is the more frequent, and therefore more valid, one. No, I'm not interested in hearing about the exceptions. That is a fallacious argument*. No ma'am. Sorry. No, not AT ALL.

So now the more frequent experience is the more *valid* one??? Interesting.

 

[mischka]

Do you really think that it is not? I'm not just saying that because I hold that position, but do you think the experiences of a statistically smaller group should trump the validity of the experiences of a majority? For example if you were going to make a policy decision whose views would hold more weight? (maybe that perspective is what's coming out in my opinion because all experiences are valid etc etc but I study policy and this is the type of thing that's important)

 

[Raspberry]

Ehhhhh I think this is kind of simplifying the point. You can't hold up one good example against a hundred bad ones and say "see? chill out," and it's kind of dismissive to say that we shouldn't be affected if we see the same thing mirrored to us over and over. True, these male "spokesmen" in the BC who tout all this bullsh8t ARE NOT men that deserve any sort platform for their views but in the absence of countering evidence....?

There's a theory that the downfall of the black community is due to a kind of black flight... that when blacks become successful they leave for better/other communities and there are no role models left to set an example/mentor others to aspire to a higher class. This is kind of what we are seeing in relationships. So many of us come from broken homes (and nobody needs [general] you to come in and say I CAME FROM A LOVING TWO PARENT FAMILY yeah, shut up, good for you, but you're not the norm) that we have no models for good relationships and we are taking our cues from all the wrong sources. I personally feel that this is where black men have severely failed the BC but I digress...

This is a good example of how debates about black community issues tend to go around here. From poverty and education issues to interracial dating and the numbers of suitable male partners... Someone will always come through and act like the experiences of their circle of friends and family completely trashes overwhelming empirical research and evidence.

 

[Raspberry]

I definitely understand what you are saying. As for the bolded, the only group I have certainly noticed doing this are a lot of east Asian women (who prefer white men). The common sayings are that Asian men are too short, feminine, etc.....all put-downs to explain why they need to date "out." I've heard this all the time. These excuses may be only physical, but they still imply that Asian men are somehow deficient, and it amazes me that asian women aren't accused of being self-hating as well.

Actually a lot of them are but the sentiments tend to come from bitter asian men who feel overlooked. The mindset mirrors sentiments about black men dating interracial in many ways interestingly enough.

 

[Renewed1]

I'm happy for you. I think that it does take effort to develop this mindset though. And it takes a strong person.

Historically, obviously a lot of people cared, that's why there were actual laws created to prevent "miscegenation" and interracial marriage. I do agree that this is now over and that it's a good idea to not let the legacy of that control your life.

It can affect you depending on where you live and the influence of the 'community' on your life. I've heard of black women whose black male relative told them not to bring their white boyfriends to family reunions, etc. There was a whole thread about a member on this board and her white husband getting harassed everyday (they live in the south). And yes, I have a friend in Auburn whose community pretty much tore her and her white fiance apart (pressure from both sides).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one "exists unto themselves." It takes a strong mindset to decide not to let others control you. Black women have been strong enough to do so in education and in the workplace (but we are STILL fighting, and other people do matter, just look at payroll statistics and see if there isn't a problem). I agree that it's okay to take this same strength and apply it to dating whoever you want. I just don't want people to be naive and think whatever challenges you may face is "all in your head."

I get what you're saying and I do know and understand the history of IR between blacks and whites. I come from a family (mom side) that is mixed with the two races (great great grandfathers/mothers, aunts, etc). My father was one of those relatives telling me NOT to bring home a white boy.

I did allow the mindset of black people affect my decisions not to date outside my race in High School; when I dated a white guy. But when I left HS I followed my heart and dated men of various races (including black).

I agree everyone should understand the pros and cons of dating IR. But TODAY it's not as bad as before. Again, I have to think about MY happiness at the end of the day. Not statistics or opinions of others. Things will get better as time progress, I have to believe that for my children, etc.

 

[rafikichick92]

I agree. I just, again, question whether the "I can't be with a black woman" is as prevalent as we're making it seem or is it that those who express the opinion either get or garner a lot of attention? Is it really that wide spread or is it just that when we do hear it from a few people it gets broadcast all over the place like its newspaper news...?

How many of us know these men who WONT date us? He's your brother, uncle, cousin, classmate, co-worker?

That being said, I'm all for checking for whoever is checking for you, and if said individual isn't black, too bad for black men. I just can't get down with the "I refuse to" mentality.

I actually don't have any black guy friends or coworkers right now that I'm close enough to to know their dating preferences, but I know my brother absolutely refuses to date a girl if she's black. His latest girlfriend/interest has a white mom (I think?) and a black dad who coaches track at their school (my brother runs track). My mom says, "oh, so now you're dating a black girl." Tell me why goes off, "no, she's not black, blah, blah, blah." Then he tries to tell me and my mom, "oh, her dad's not black, he's white ...". My mom says, "If he's white, I'm white. And I am not white." And I know some of his friends feel the same way. They are all in high school. SMH. It is truly a mess.

 

[qchelle]

I actually don't have any black guy friends or coworkers right now that I'm close enough to to know their dating preferences, but I know my brother absolutely refuses to date a girl if she's black. His latest girlfriend/interest has a white mom (I think?) and a black dad who coaches track at their school (my brother runs track). My mom says, "oh, so now you're dating a black girl." Tell me why goes off, "no, she's not black, blah, blah, blah." Then he tries to tell me and my mom, "oh, her dad's not black, he's white ...". My mom says, "If he's white, I'm white. And I am not white." And I know some of his friends feel the same way. They are all in high school. SMH. It is truly a mess.

erplexed Wooow! He refuses to date a black girl? Have you asked him why? I'm always curious when people have personal stories about BM like this...I don't know anyone like this.

 

[rafikichick92]

erplexed Wooow! He refuses to date a black girl? Have you asked him why? I'm always curious when people have personal stories about BM like this...I don't know anyone like this.

qchelle: He says they are "loud and ghetto and ugly and just 'uhhhhhh'!" Whether that's his real thinking or just a front, I don't know. His mother, sister, and father are all obviously black and neither me nor my mom is loud, ghetto, or ugly.

 

[Okay]

@qchelle: He says they are "loud and ghetto and ugly and just 'uhhhhhh'!" Whether that's his real thinking or just a front, I don't know. His mother, sister, and father are all obviously black and neither me nor my mom is loud, ghetto, or ugly.

 

[spelmanlocks]

@qchelle: He says they are "loud and ghetto and ugly and just 'uhhhhhh'!" Whether that's his real thinking or just a front, I don't know. His mother, sister, and father are all obviously black and neither me nor my mom is loud, ghetto, or ugly.

erplexed I would be done with my brother over some ignorant thinking like this.

 

[UrbainChic]

Due to a variety of life circumstances, most of the males I have been surrounded with are non-black. If I was holding my breath for a black man, I would have died a long time ago, or have to consider incest. Especially in high school and college.

I have dated numerous non-black men, be it Asian, Indian, Hispanic (nonblack), WHATEVER, and I find that there is a lot of unspoken understanding of what it means to be non-white, which is incredibly valuable when it comes to understanding me as a person--- but its not everything, and not enough to keep us in a relationship.

Now that I am older, I am spending time with and encountering more and more black men, who match my values, live similar lifestyles etc. So I feel its MORE likely than in the past that I would end up with a black man, but it is really not the first and foremost criteria in what will make my marriage successful in my mind.

As far as white men, I have dated some men that are very open to understanding my perspective on race and non-whiteness in American society etc. mostly because they are good people, and i also believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that all but one was foreign, which gives them a way to look at America more objectively. The one who was American had racist parents and that ultimately was the demise of our relationship. That is really the only time race has played a major role in my relationship with a non black man.

The black men I have dated, where just like all the other men. It just didn't work out. All were foreign born or children of immigrants like myself, so a lot of common ground there but still no success... Again race is just not the major factor in the success of my relationships.

I'd also like to say that my parents were immigrants, so I have all kinds of non-connection to the black american culture, and we were never too involved in our own cultural group here and I feel more american than other so it just puts me in a weird I dont fit in anywhere kind of zone, so I don't fixate too much on stuff like that. A lot more of my emphasis is placed on on do we jive now, do our values match, etc. Actually Even my great grandparents were immigrants to my parents' country so really I come from a long line of open minded multi-cultural will go anywhere kind of people. I assume this also has a lot of bearing on my attitude towards interracial and intercultural dating.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

So I went of this weekend for the first time with a white guy. It was pretty awesome night. I hung out with him and his friends and we went to a bar then dancing. Both places were filled with predominently white people.

A noticed a few things:

1) I know perference is preference but there were sooo many attractive white men. I mean ALOT! I was just thinking. I knew I could be physically attracted to white men but I was a little shocked when I realized I was sexually as well. I was like, "I can definitely get with this."

2) Cultural things are a bit different but overall if you're an open-minded person, then embracing the differences are relatively easy. Also if you are touchy about race, interracial dating will be a problem. Often times they will make jokes that speak to racial divide, such as their inability to dance, their choice of music, or lack of body being different than yours. Of course, its not to be offensive but if you are sensitive to racial differences then anything they would say or joke about could be taken out of context.

3) In the dance "club", there was some black women (I could count on 1 hand including me) and a dozen or so of black men. Of course I knew these men were checking for the white girls. However, I noticed that when I stepped in the place, for some of them, their attention was directed to me. Even one guy was so aggressive as to try and pull me from my date. No Bueno. He was an attractive black guy but disrespectful because he was with someone and checkin for me. Which got me thinking...They can date "out" with ease but when they see an attractive black women dating "out", they do not like it to the point of disrespect and are possibly curious as to "how" this white guy is with me. Now of course my date was even more better looking than I remembered. He is like a young Tom Welling (height, build, face structure, lips, noise, eye color, but less hair). So how on a surface level shouldnt even be a question.

4) A lil more personal...I used to have a prejudice that I only wanted to deal with someone with full lips because I kissed a guy with thin lips once and it was a disaster. This guy has sorta those pouty, pink lips and he was an amazing kisser. I have heard of the myth that white men have small crayons. Now I am curious to debunk this myth but only with the appointed time.

5) I also observe they really are no different than any other race when it comes to dating/relationship. If you sleep with them early AND they have a problem with any personality trait, they will dog you out behind your back. I heard it first hand and it was pretty bad. I also observed some where skirt chasing, others healing from a broken heart by skirt chasing, others just chillin and enjoying, and others you could tell where getting tired of the "single scene". The way they talk is a bit different but the issues/thoughts/feelings/actions are pretty much the same.

Anyway, I was just stating my observation of the night.

 

[mischka]

Mmmm, Tom Welling. When I was a year out of high school I went through a superhero phase and I was so into Tom Welling. And yep yep yep... so far in my experiences the white peen has been on average several sizes smaller. Not unworkable, but still, nothing to write home about at all.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Mmmm, Tom Welling. When I was a year out of high school I went through a superhero phase and I was so into Tom Welling. And yep yep yep... so far in my experiences the white peen has been on average several sizes smaller. Not unworkable, but still, nothing to write home about at all.

Yeah, he didn't feel too big from a brush of the hand but as gorgeous as he is, I'm willing to overlook the "minor" things.

 

[mischka]

Yeah, I got nothing against small peen in general. Still... disheartening to think there may not be a bigger one from time to time

 

[Etherealsmile]

Thanks for sharing your dating experience prettyface I've yet to date a "straight up" white guy...what i mean by that is the one's i've dated have been mixed with something else so I can't testify to the size issue.....my ex was Greek, Israeli, and had a few other mixtures in him that i can't recall at the moment. His peen was quite beautiful, above average and quite thick...umm can i say that?