I so want a divorce

[AmyInAtl]

My husband went from being almost perfect to downright rank. We were childhood sweethearts. He had always been nice to me, has never hit me or called me out my name. He isn't the smartest and came from a broken home, but he has just always been nice, let me come and go as I pleased, easy to get along with. Chintsy with money in the beginning, but really came around, and there was nothing I couldn't have or ask for. Where he did not match me in college education he made up by joining the military.
Life was really romantic and comfortable during those years. I began to trust and respect him as a man. This lasted for 8 years. Things changed when I got pregnant with the baby/s he Begged for. After telling me he would retire from the military. Trusting him we got pregnant with twins. Soon after he switched up telling me that he wanted to get out of the military so he could smoke weed. Aroung the time the twins turned 1 years old. I was flabbergasted. I should have known. He was rude and uncaring during my high risk pregnacy. I was shocked this was so not the person I had always knew. He even asked if I could at least work at McDonalds during my high-risk pregnacy. We did not need the money. He just turned very cold hearted. Honestly he did not help me much to be during the difficult pregnacy. He helped some after I delivered. And helps lesser and lesser by the day. Fast forward he has only gotten worse. He does no housework. He ignores everyone in the house all day long, by being on the computer ALL day, or lounging watching tv. He refuses to work. He feels he has worked alot and deserves to kick back until his unemployment runs out (um he's only worked 8 years, smh). I have taken it upon myself to get a job so my family will not be destitute. The only half positive thing I can say is he half watches the kids while I work. I sooo want to divorce him, just walk out and never come back. I almost hate him. I pray alot to just be relieved of this queen. He is such an oppressor. We had been together more than 10 years before he decided to turn into a uggg, dont even have words for it. I can say he stays at home and does not run the streets. Although he cruises the pc for women on blackpeoplemeet (tho he can't afford to open a account).........I just feel so tricked out of my independence. Ladies pls send a prayer up for me. At this point I don't know if a man can even be ever trusted. I could have never predicted all this.

 

[raloftin]

God bless you and your babies!Girl I've done the divorce thing and it is hard as heck(mentally and emotionally) for all involved.I do think if the relationship is in such disrepair that you see no amends in sight, the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to get out now.Your basically doing it on your own right now so why not legally do it on your own?Right?Its not good for the kids to live in an unhappy home.All I can do is pray for you and ask you to continue to pray...


Rai

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

This situation sounds terrible. I hope you come to the right decision for you and your twins.

 

[MJ]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if something happened. Something that caused him to change. Have you tried to find out what it was and worked on correcting the situation? A person isn't "good" for 8+ plus years and then change overnight without some mental switch. Could it be trauma from being in the army? It seems as if your marriage was built on good and solid foundation. Maybe you can tear the existing house down -- metaphorically, which seems to be falling apart, and rebuild a stronger and better house on the existing foundation.

 

[Rapunzel*]

you are in my prayers. i am so sorry this happened to you

 

[-Volare]

Wow sounds like such an butthole! I hope everything gets better for you! I'll pray for you and your family. I hope that you two can work it out and find out what's the root of his problem and if not I hope you can work it out some kind of way, even if you divorce, for the children's sake.

 

[AmyInAtl]

God bless you and your babies!Girl I've done the divorce thing and it is hard as heck(mentally and emotionally) for all involved.I do think if the relationship is in such disrepair that you see no amends in sight, the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to get out now.Your basically doing it on your own right now so why not legally do it on your own?Right?Its not good for the kids to live in an unhappy home.All I can do is pray for you and ask you to continue to pray...


Rai

I have been saying to myelf the same thing. That I am doing everything myself. I could be doing this on my own. My family lives out of state. I am thinking of moving back home with my refund. And you are right he brings little to no emotional happinees to anyone.

 

[NOEChic]

i know how you feel, you have to do what is right for you and your kids. Don't stay in a loveless marriage and don't let no shiftless ass man live up under you. You have the think of how you want your kids to be raised, if you want your son to end up like that, or your daughter to let a man live up under her. You also have to be happy, kids pick up on the emotions that are going on in the house. Women let men walk all over them for the sake of being married, or having a man all the while miserable.

B4 you call it quits talk to your husband, lay all your cards on the table tell him that things have to change and don't give him a date, b/c then he just gonna do right till that date and stop. if he is not willing to change, try separation. Maybe him not being able to ne around his kids 24/7 might be the wake up call that he needs. If that does not work then you know what you need to do.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Is he in a state of depression OP?

 

[InquiringMind]

All I can say is that prayer definitely changes things. My ex-fiance and I had a similar situation when I found out I was pregnant. A week later he told me he thought he might want to date other people and that things were going to fast. We had been together for 2 years. So basically, I just let him go. No drama, no nothing. I did the pregnancy by myself and still am raising my son. I guess its different cause ur married but, You can do bad all by yourself! You don't need any other person dragging you down. I will pray for you and I hope God shows you the answers you need.

 

[AmyInAtl]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if something happened. Something that caused him to change. Have you tried to find out what it was and worked on correcting the situation? A person isn't "good" for 8+ plus years and then change overnight without some mental switch. Could it be trauma from being in the army? It seems as if your marriage was built on good and solid foundation. Maybe you can tear the existing house down -- metaphorically, which seems to be falling apart, and rebuild a stronger and better house on the existing foundation.

I dont know why he chose to get out the military, he never, not even one day complained about work. But in the end the only explanation he gave is that he wanted to smoke weed. Which he can not even afford. As for his change in me, I think he changed due to the shock of my metamorphasis (lol) during pregnacy. I went from 140 lbs bouncy long hair, vibrant and upbeat, independent making good money, stunning looks. To 217lbs a big chop hair doo that I could not comb. No more hot fancy clothes, handbags, high hills an the attitude to go with it, to anything but. But more than anything, the biggest change came when I lost my ability to be independent.

Also, After I had the twins, I had no time for me. He still worked full-time and I let him sleep during the night so he would be rested. I have yet to regain my physical looks although I weigh 169 lbs. And i have not been financially independent since the onset of my pregnacy. But if someone really loves you they will help you get back to where you were. I feel tricked. If I could have forseen this side of him I would have left 8 years ago. When he joined the military it was to win me back. I had gotten tired of him being a bum. He begged me and his kids (2 at that time) to lets be a family. I just got tricked in the end.
Now I see why celebrity women wait until they are 40, well established, and don't need a thing before they risk their independence.

 

[balancegoals2009]

As someone stated you are doing everything your self, working , taking of the home etc, please leave your husband and get back with your family. Call someone to come and take you back home today, don't wait on a refund check, also check on agency in your area that help people when they need assistance . You husband is going through a depression and you will never know when he will snap. Get out and work on your divorce later. The next move for your husband will be to become abusive to you and the children , so focus on your children and self. Be blessed I willl have you in my prayer. I see this behavior daily with some of my family.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

((hugs)) to you AmyInATL Keep praying, stay strong and know you are still beautiful

 

[AmyInAtl]

As someone stated you are doing everything your self, working , taking of the home etc, please leave your husband and get back with your family. Call someone to come and take you back home today, don't wait on a refund check, also check on agency in your area that help people when they need assistance . You husband is going through a depression and you will never know when he will snap. Get out and work on your divorce later. The next move for your husband will be to become abusive to you and the children , so focus on your children and self. Be blessed I willl have you in my prayer. I see this behavior daily with some of my family.

You are so right. He is depressed and this is how he is handling it. Withdrawing, from everything coughs except the computer and tv.
In the last week he has had more than 10 job offers to make more money than I do. He is curt and short with the people on the phone and has not followed up for one job.
I called public housing in my area, since he has not paid the mortgage in months. They said I have to have a job. They may be able to place me in housing in 30 days. I don't want to be here when the sherriff shows up. I start my new job in 2 days. I wish i could move back home. If things dont work with this plan, Then I will move back home.
I know about being depressed, but a person has to be willing to be open with their SO for a relationship to pull through. I don't know whats in his head. I know we both have blamed the other in the past for whatever failures the relationship suffers. So i know he sees many things as my fault.

 

[AmyInAtl]

Is he in a state of depression OP?

He says he is not depressed. But I think he feels overwhelmed. Because he choses to make things out harder than they really are. And he has been smited with laziness, cold-heartedness, carelessness. I know it takes the mercy of the LORD to change the heart of mankind. I don't think their is nothing short of communicating, that will resolve any of this. And he has never been a talker.

 

[NOEChic]

You are so right. He is depressed and this is how he is handling it. Withdrawing, from everything coughs except the computer and tv.
In the last week he has had more than 10 job offers to make more money than I do. He is curt and short with the people on the phone and has not followed up for one job.
I called public housing in my area, since he has not paid the mortgage in months. They said I have to have a job. They may be able to place me in housing in 30 days. I don't want to be here when the sherriff shows up. I start my new job in 2 days. I wish i could move back home. If things dont work with this plan, Then I will move back home.
I know about being depressed, but a person has to be willing to be open with their SO for a relationship to pull through. I don't know whats in his head. I know we both have blamed the other in the past for whatever failures the relationship suffers. So i know he sees many things as my fault.

girl, he bout to have you and your kids out on the streets, it is a damn shame when men act like that. my husband was depressed right in the beginning of our marriage and it set the tone for the next 3 yrs. i would always ask him in the beginning if he was depressed and he would state no. now 3 yrs later he wants to say that he was depressed but the past hurts wont go away and before i have kids with him he gotta go..

 

[omnipadme]

You are so right. He is depressed and this is how he is handling it. Withdrawing, from everything coughs except the computer and tv.
In the last week he has had more than 10 job offers to make more money than I do. He is curt and short with the people on the phone and has not followed up for one job.
I called public housing in my area, since he has not paid the mortgage in months. They said I have to have a job. They may be able to place me in housing in 30 days. I don't want to be here when the sherriff shows up. I start my new job in 2 days. I wish i could move back home. If things dont work with this plan, Then I will move back home.
I know about being depressed, but a person has to be willing to be open with their SO for a relationship to pull through. I don't know whats in his head. I know we both have blamed the other in the past for whatever failures the relationship suffers. So i know he sees many things as my fault.

He definitely sounds depressed. I think a separation may be in order - at least before the big "D." He's not being the best father and husband he could be, so maybe he's the type that doesn't know a good thing until it's gone. Talk it out and if he's not willing to man up- take that trip home until further notice.

 

[hopeful]

If I were you I'd start preparing to leave. I'm not saying leave (I don't have the nerve to tell anybody that), but start preparing. Fix everything on your part that will make things better, start planning for you and your kids future, pray with all your heart and take it one day at a time. Do not let him bring you into his misery. He is a grown man, it is up to him to get to the root of his issues.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

You are so right. He is depressed and this is how he is handling it. Withdrawing, from everything coughs except the computer and tv.
In the last week he has had more than 10 job offers to make more money than I do. He is curt and short with the people on the phone and has not followed up for one job.
I called public housing in my area, since he has not paid the mortgage in months. They said I have to have a job. They may be able to place me in housing in 30 days. I don't want to be here when the sherriff shows up. I start my new job in 2 days. I wish i could move back home. If things dont work with this plan, Then I will move back home.
I know about being depressed, but a person has to be willing to be open with their SO for a relationship to pull through. I don't know whats in his head. I know we both have blamed the other in the past for whatever failures the relationship suffers. So i know he sees many things as my fault.

I'm very sorry that you're going thru all of that.
That sounds like he might have an emotional or mental issue, that's the only thing I can think of that would cause such a drastic change in behavior esp. when he doesn't have money and is turning down job offers.
Have you tried getting him into counseling whether marriage counseling or to see a mental care professional? You say he was in the military, perhaps something traumatic happened during that time.

Well, I hope everything works out for you and your family whatever your decision. You and your children are priority #1.

 

[NYAmicas]

Prayers for you OP! I'm so sorry you're going through this.....no one deserves to be treated like that in a marriage. I have no clue what his problem is but I hope he changes it fast!

 

[R4L]

Have you tried counseling???

 

[drasgrl]

If I were you I'd start preparing to leave. I'm not saying leave (I don't have the nerve to tell anybody that), but start preparing. Fix everything on your part that will make things better, start planning for you and your kids future, pray with all your heart and take it one day at a time. Do not let him bring you into his misery. He is a grown man, it is up to him to get to the root of his issues.

I agree. Get everything in order and make sure you have several months of salary saved. He's only going to drag you and your kids down further if it continues. If he doesn't want to step up and be a man then you have no choice. You have to do what's best for you and your kids since he doesn't seem to care any more. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Have you tried counseling???

Co-signing! Have you tried marriage counseling? Was your husband in combat? What did he do in the military? Was he given any drugs or shots while he was in the military?

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Raising twin babies with very little help is no picnic. Do you have a relative who can help you? Maybe he needs an altimatum. Shape up or ship out overseas.

 

[Mortons]

Be careful before filing divorce papers. Since he doesnt have a valid reason to not work and stay at home, it could be ruled that you allowed him to stay home with the kids and he can get alimony from you. I would hate to see that happen. You need to seek legal counsel and also have a serious talk with him about the direction of your marriage.

 

[MissYocairis]

.........I just feel so tricked out of my independence. .

Dam. That's profound. I am sorry this has happened.

 

[firecracker]

Well since he isn't depressed and simply a lazy *** what can you do? If he were a provider I would say stay til the kids get a certain age, but he isn't so I say run like hell! I know childcare cost a bundle but there is free childcare and subsidized childcare in many cities. You need to check out those resource. Maybe if you separate from him he will try to change his life and ways.

 

[ladyofvirtue]

Amy,

You have to do what you have to do for the sake of you and your children. Just be very careful.

Since he is not mentally stable proceed with caution.

As mentioned before, seek competent, legal counsel.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[plzgrow]

My prayers are with you. You must remain strong and you will overcome this. Lean to the Lord for all your answers and do best for your kids. Before you can do anything create and action plan to be able to do for yourself. Try to mend the relationship if possible, but certain things a person can only put up with for so long... "Do you and just remain humble and happy"

 

[Farida]

It seems really odd to me that someone would be near perfect and then change overnight. I strongly believe that given the timeline, it has to do with the end of his military career aggravated by the stresses of pregnancy and children. I would strongly sggest that the two of you seek marriage counseling. Good luck.

 

[Divine_Order]

He says he is not depressed. But I think he feels overwhelmed. Because he choses to make things out harder than they really are. And he has been smited with laziness, cold-heartedness, carelessness. I know it takes the mercy of the LORD to change the heart of mankind. I don't think their is nothing short of communicating, that will resolve any of this. And he has never been a talker.

Has he already begun smoking weed (though you may not know if he does not smoke at home)? I think that may be one of the places that his change in behavior is coming from. Why would he feel the need to do drugs? The answer to that question would help you out tremendously.