I really struggle with this-I don't know how to just date!!!

[s_terry]

I know I am known for hella long post so I'll try my best to brief. Ok, I am in mid-30's, not married, no kids. I have been focusing alot on my career growth which is cool. I feel like I am becoming ( too a VERY small degree! one of those women who really,really wants the marriage and baby carriage. I feel like time is running out. As this rate I am working on having a teen in my 50's and that thought is just not cool!! I'm beginning to wonder if I have waited too long.

Here is the thing. There is guy who I will call "maintenance man"- no really. That's what he does. He is a supervisor and works at an apartment complex. Ran into him at the grocery several times in my neighborhood before I finally gave him the digits. It's so sad cause obviously I just ain't getting out enough! This man, as they all are, has been a PERFECT gentleman and has really been looking out for me! Dates, dinner the whole nine. I mean he is putting in work ya'll. Washed my car like new and even fixed my bumper. Insists on helping me with home repairs, none at my prompting.

The disadvantage. 3 kids, one ex wife and ex girlfriend between all the kids. He's 45, and seems to vascilate between wanting a son and being done. From what I understand he lives rent free at his job and pays child support ( as he should) I make more money I am pretty certain.

I can't seem to just enjoy this man for what he has to offer for the now! Whenever I start to date someone it opens a longing in me to be married, have the house and doting loving husband. I feel reasonably confident that this man can't offer me this ( without me having to contribute more to our lifestyle). You know how it goes. He seems so mature and says the right things to the trick questions. Pretty honest about his failed relationships and seem to know what is required of him as a man. Very Respectful. Caught him making sure he didn't disrespect me in public ( can't say that about other learing men I have dates recently) I am leary to continue dating him knowing that he has baggage that I don't think I can deal with. Why can't I just date him, have a good time, until the one more like Mr. Right appears? I'm afraid that if I spend time, I risk becoming emotionally involved. I have no intentions on having sex anytime soon, that's not what I am worried about. I don't have time to waste, but he is SO dang nice!!! It feels so good to be wooed so hard. I mean he is pulling out all the stops and making it quite clear he has more than a passing interest. It could all be game at this point, but I'm willing to wait it out. Who knew how much I miss my car door being opened for me. And we laugh all the time.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him if I find I just can't deal and more of what I am looking for comes around the corner.

What should I do? Stop dating him so that I don't lead him on. Or continue, tell him we can only be friends. It's obvious to me that is brother is pulling out all the stops to break me down! It's possible he will fade himself out at this point in the game, but what to do until then? He claims he hasn't had sex in a year. I dunno for sure about that one. If true, impressive....

Advice?

 

[Laginappe]

He sounds very nice but his life just doesn't seem to mesh with yours or your plans for your future. I was getting happy for you until I read the part about the three kids, ex and other ex. For me that just equals too much baggage even if he's a wonderful person.

But this is the purpose of dating. Auditioning folks to see if they fit. And, there's no reason you can't date him and date other men at the same time. It will help keep things nice and casual between you two.

 

[Twisties]

"Whenever I start to date someone it opens a longing in me to be married, have the house and doting loving husband. I feel reasonably confident that this man can't offer me this ( without me having to contribute more to our lifestyle)."

Have you been reading these threads about marriage problems?

Marriage does not automatically mean having a house, and doting husband so be aware of that. Although I understand the DESIRE..it is strong in lots of women. But keep your eyes open and try to enjoy his company maybe. You have pointed out a major flaw already that would point to trouble IF he was serious about you and even wanted marriage. He might just want to date only.....

If you don't mind the financial hardship with the child support and ex's, then you could keep dating him and see where things go.

This one is hard, especially when other prospects are not avaialble in high numbers and you enjoy the person's company.

Also, I always like to say- Pretend you are not the OP -- Type up an answer that you would give to someone else who posted this -- what would you say? That helps me detach myself a lot in situations....

 

[hotshot]

just date him-it doesnt have to be serious and you dont have to have sex.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

"Whenever I start to date someone it opens a longing in me to be married, have the house and doting loving husband. I feel reasonably confident that this man can't offer me this ( without me having to contribute more to our lifestyle)."

Have you been reading these threads about marriage problems?

Marriage does not automatically mean having a house, and doting husband so be aware of that. Although I understand the DESIRE..it is strong in lots of women. But keep your eyes open and try to enjoy his company maybe. You have pointed out a major flaw already that would point to trouble IF he was serious about you and even wanted marriage. He might just want to date only.....

If you don't mind the financial hardship with the child support and ex's, then you could keep dating him and see where things go.

This one is hard, especially when other prospects are not avaialble in high numbers and you enjoy the person's company.

Also, I always like to say- Pretend you are not the OP -- Type up an answer that you would give to someone else who posted this -- what would you say? That helps me detach myself a lot in situations....

That is good advice...

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

just date him-it doesnt have to be serious and you dont have to have sex.

I agree with this. You can date and still keep your options open. Sometimes when you have someone it allows you to open yourself to another person. I hope you know what I mean. You just give off a good vibe and more guys are attracted to you.

 

[hennagirl]

I know I am known for hella long post so I'll try my best to brief. Ok, I am in mid-30's, not married, no kids. I have been focusing alot on my career growth which is cool. I feel like I am becoming ( too a VERY small degree! one of those women who really,really wants the marriage and baby carriage. I feel like time is running out. As this rate I am working on having a teen in my 50's and that thought is just not cool!! I'm beginning to wonder if I have waited too long.

Here is the thing. There is guy who I will call "maintenance man"- no really. That's what he does. He is a supervisor and works at an apartment complex. Ran into him at the grocery several times in my neighborhood before I finally gave him the digits. It's so sad cause obviously I just ain't getting out enough! This man, as they all are, has been a PERFECT gentleman and has really been looking out for me! Dates, dinner the whole nine. I mean he is putting in work ya'll. Washed my car like new and even fixed my bumper. Insists on helping me with home repairs, none at my prompting.

The disadvantage. 3 kids, one ex wife and ex girlfriend between all the kids. He's 45, and seems to vascilate between wanting a son and being done. From what I understand he lives rent free at his job and pays child support ( as he should) I make more money I am pretty certain.

I can't seem to just enjoy this man for what he has to offer for the now! Whenever I start to date someone it opens a longing in me to be married, have the house and doting loving husband. I feel reasonably confident that this man can't offer me this ( without me having to contribute more to our lifestyle). You know how it goes. He seems so mature and says the right things to the trick questions. Pretty honest about his failed relationships and seem to know what is required of him as a man. Very Respectful. Caught him making sure he didn't disrespect me in public ( can't say that about other learing men I have dates recently) I am leary to continue dating him knowing that he has baggage that I don't think I can deal with. Why can't I just date him, have a good time, until the one more like Mr. Right appears? I'm afraid that if I spend time, I risk becoming emotionally involved. I have no intentions on having sex anytime soon, that's not what I am worried about. I don't have time to waste, but he is SO dang nice!!! It feels so good to be wooed so hard. I mean he is pulling out all the stops and making it quite clear he has more than a passing interest. It could all be game at this point, but I'm willing to wait it out. Who knew how much I miss my car door being opened for me. And we laugh all the time.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him if I find I just can't deal and more of what I am looking for comes around the corner.

What should I do? Stop dating him so that I don't lead him on. Or continue, tell him we can only be friends. It's obvious to me that is brother is pulling out all the stops to break me down! It's possible he will fade himself out at this point in the game, but what to do until then? He claims he hasn't had sex in a year. I dunno for sure about that one. If true, impressive....

Advice?

Congratulations on knowing yourself so well. It is hard to "just date" if that is not your goal. I am sure that you are right that you would not be happy with this man in the long run. It might be good practice to date this man while looking for the right one. However, it seems this man has strong feelings for you. How will he react if you date him and others? I would be careful, people are very strange these days. Good luck.

 

[lexi08]

It does not seem like this mans life will mesh too well with yours. I would not date him, he has too much baggage compared to you. I know he seems nice and all, but I would just leave him alone. More than likely, you won't be happy. I say this from experience you will find someone else that is more compatible.

 

[Ayeshia]

I would not date just to date him. Reason being is because thats what Im doing right now, as I dont want a serious commitment.....however puilling that route doesnt make sense if her intentions are heavily marriage focused. Whats the point? Date better candidates.

 

[zora]

Everyone has baggage! Whether it's three children, a psych disorder, bad relationship with mom, etc.

If you think you would be happier with someone who makes more money, well, I have news for you. It always work out like that. This man is treating you like a queen....or a princess. If this isn't a game or the 'impress phase', then that's pretty darn good.

I wouldn't write him off. Continue dating and if you fall in love, you fall in love. What's wrong with that?

 

[UmSumayyah]

I would not date just to date him. Reason being is because thats what Im doing right now, as I dont want a serious commitment.....however puilling that route doesnt make sense if her intentions are heavily marriage focused. Whats the point? Date better candidates.

Ditto. If you have decided what is important, if at this stage you want marriage and kids, if at this stage you do not want a man with 2 exes and kids, a man who will have to deal with exes, go to one county for junior's basketball game this Saturday and the next city over for little Precious' dance rectial on Thursday, (same day you have an appointment with the OB). If you do not want the ex's possibly having their child support payments recalculated based on the money YOU make... his children possibly resenting you for being the wife and their mothers not...

then leave him alone. I don't think it's fair to him or you.

 

[envybeauty]

Everyone has baggage! Whether it's three children, a psych disorder, bad relationship with mom, etc.

If you think you would be happier with someone who makes more money, well, I have news for you. It always work out like that. This man is treating you like a queen....or a princess. If this isn't a game or the 'impress phase', then that's pretty darn good.

I wouldn't write him off. Continue dating and if you fall in love, you fall in love. What's wrong with that?

it takes more than love to make a marriage work. she is concerned with his baggage so much so that his treating her well does not erase or obliterate her concerns.

 

[sunnydaze]

Reminds me of that Tyler Perry movie, Daddy's little girl.

 

[firecracker]

Hey dating equals free meals and entertainment. Why you trippin

 

[Summer_Rain]

Understanding that you're on a "timeline" of sorts - it still kinda takes the fun out of the process when you IMMEDIATELY size a man up in terms of his hubby to be potential. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that we should ignore the obvious (in this case, his apparent "baggage"), but even if he weren't carrying a twelve piece luggage set....I still think that as women, we often trap and disappoint ourselves when the first thoughts that run through our minds upon meeting a man is whether or not he's the one we'll be meeting at the altar.

 

[Ayeshia]

Understanding that you're on a "timeline" of sorts - it still kinda takes the fun out of the process when you IMMEDIATELY size a man up in terms of his hubby to be potential. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that we should ignore the obvious (in this case, his apparent "baggage"), but even if he weren't carrying a twelve piece luggage set....I still think that as women, we often trap and disappoint ourselves when the first thoughts that run through our minds upon meeting a man is whether or not he's the one we'll be meeting at the altar.

it does....my aunt was this way thought because she was 37 and still wanted children so if it wasnt really going anywhere by the 3rd date it was a wrap for her. But eventually she met a guy and they got married within a year. They're still happy and have 1 bad ass lil boy

 

[rak1209]

I say leave it along, I did this before and what it did was tear me down. Because I gave 90% and this person only had 10% when I started dating him I thought that since I was holding my own he would want to better himself, and yes everyone tried to tell me. But I learned the hard way because if he don't have by now being 40 believe me he won't get, it and if you see this person everyday and taking him up on his diner offers you’re feelings going to get involved, and that's only going to cause you more pain so break it down to him what your looking for in a man, because as a woman we need to set standers for are selves. So listen to your mind because it is a rocky road carrying the weight of someone else.

 

[CAPlush]

Everyone has baggage! Whether it's three children, a psych disorder, bad relationship with mom, etc.

If you think you would be happier with someone who makes more money, well, I have news for you. It always work out like that. This man is treating you like a queen....or a princess. If this isn't a game or the 'impress phase', then that's pretty darn good.

I wouldn't write him off. Continue dating and if you fall in love, you fall in love. What's wrong with that?

Sorry, I agree with Zora. Keep your options open though, don't fall into anything exclusive at this time. If I were you, I would not consider being exclusive unless it is an engagement since marriage is your goal. I don't know you, but it seems from your post that you are holding on to some fantasies about marriage and relationships and while I'm sure you deserve the healthiest relationship possible, I'm not sure it will come in the Pleasantville package you seem to be yearning for.

 

[adf23]

I agree with just dating him. I have a girlfriend right now going through a similar sitch. Her friend doesnt have children, but otherwise has baggage and she is looking for reasons to end the relationship in my opinion.

I am like, just date him- enjoy his company yet keep your options open. As long as he is treating you in a manner that you enjoy, what is the big deal. I agree with those that have said, date, dont be exclusive, and dont have sex.

I mean sounds kinda material, but why pass up having company, a random free meal, and it keeps you fresh and light hearted for when you actually meet the person you are wanting to be with in the long run.

 

[s_terry]

"Whenever I start to date someone it opens a longing in me to be married, have the house and doting loving husband. I feel reasonably confident that this man can't offer me this ( without me having to contribute more to our lifestyle)."

Have you been reading these threads about marriage problems?

Marriage does not automatically mean having a house, and doting husband so be aware of that. Although I understand the DESIRE..it is strong in lots of women. But keep your eyes open and try to enjoy his company maybe. You have pointed out a major flaw already that would point to trouble IF he was serious about you and even wanted marriage. He might just want to date only.....

If you don't mind the financial hardship with the child support and ex's, then you could keep dating him and see where things go.

This one is hard, especially when other prospects are not avaialble in high numbers and you enjoy the person's company.

Also, I always like to say- Pretend you are not the OP -- Type up an answer that you would give to someone else who posted this -- what would you say? That helps me detach myself a lot in situations....[/QUOTE]

Thanks Twisties, I know you do have a point. I know that you can't always control destiny amd the future, but I sure as hell have tried to make some wise decisions (even when I've truely blown it!) Up to this point. I know I desire this in my heart and hve held out this long in the hopes of finding it. Wish me blessings on finding it!

 

[s_terry]

Congratulations on knowing yourself so well. It is hard to "just date" if that is not your goal. I am sure that you are right that you would not be happy with this man in the long run. It might be good practice to date this man while looking for the right one. However, it seems this man has strong feelings for you. How will he react if you date him and others? I would be careful, people are very strange these days. Good luck.

Girl I want to believe that I know myself! LOL The question is, is how the heck did I end up at the end of the line with few options! The bolded is what I am afraid of. I don't want to lead him on. I have had some crazy stalkerish ex's to deal with and am not in the mood to break someone off!

 

[s_terry]

Everyone has baggage! Whether it's three children, a psych disorder, bad relationship with mom, etc.

If you think you would be happier with someone who makes more money, well, I have news for you. It always work out like that. This man is treating you like a queen....or a princess. If this isn't a game or the 'impress phase', then that's pretty darn good.

I wouldn't write him off. Continue dating and if you fall in love, you fall in love. What's wrong with that?

Yes everyone has baggage I agree, but aren't there levels of baggage??

 

[s_terry]

Ditto. If you have decided what is important, if at this stage you want marriage and kids, if at this stage you do not want a man with 2 exes and kids, a man who will have to deal with exes, go to one county for junior's basketball game this Saturday and the next city over for little Precious' dance rectial on Thursday, (same day you have an appointment with the OB). If you do not want the ex's possibly having their child support payments recalculated based on the money YOU make... his children possibly resenting you for being the wife and their mothers not...

then leave him alone. I don't think it's fair to him or you.

"If you do not want the ex's possibly having their child support payments recalculated based on the money YOU make."


WHAT!!!!

UmSumayyah you just talked dude out of some hot wonderful time spent. What are you talking about girl? LAWD!!!!

 

[s_terry]

Reminds me of that Tyler Perry movie, Daddy's little girl.

I didn't see this movie. What was it about? Maybe I should rent it?

 

[s_terry]

Hey dating equals free meals and entertainment. Why you trippin

Firecracker you so crazy!

 

[s_terry]

]Understanding that you're on a "timeline" of sorts - it still kinda takes the fun out of the process when you IMMEDIATELY size a man up in terms of his hubby to be potential. [/B]Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that we should ignore the obvious (in this case, his apparent "baggage"), but even if he weren't carrying a twelve piece luggage set....I still think that as women, we often trap and disappoint ourselves when the first thoughts that run through our minds upon meeting a man is whether or not he's the one we'll be meeting at the altar.

I know it does SummerRain ( I love your screen name). It lessons the fun for me too because I find myself critiquing and judging the guy on a dang date. I feel like it's so hard for me not to do. I just don't have time to be distracted or add more baggage to my own life and heart dealing with someone who is a fool and will make me cry. I don't even want to give the wrong guy that option.

 

[s_terry]

I say leave it along, I did this before and what it did was tear me down. Because I gave 90% and this person only had 10% when I started dating him I thought that since I was holding my own he would want to better himself, and yes everyone tried to tell me. But I learned the hard way because if he don't have by now being 40 believe me he won't get, it and if you see this person everyday and taking him up on his diner offers you’re feelings going to get involved, and that's only going to cause you more pain so break it down to him what your looking for in a man, because as a woman we need to set standers for are selves. So listen to your mind because it is a rocky road carrying the weight of someone else.

I'm sorry rak, and to be honest I am thinking the bolded myself. I have neither the time nor inclination to play "captain save a negro"! I am sorry that you had to experience this. I hope you are feeling better about it.

 

[s_terry]

Sorry, I agree with Zora. Keep your options open though, don't fall into anything exclusive at this time. If I were you, I would not consider being exclusive unless it is an engagement since marriage is your goal. I don't know you, but it seems from your post that you are holding on to some fantasies about marriage and relationships and while I'm sure you deserve the healthiest relationship possible, I'm not sure it will come in the Pleasantville package you seem to be yearning for.

Girl, I really hope not. Is it really too much to ask to have a man in your life that really really loves you? Is this a fantasy?

 

[s_terry]

I agree with just dating him. I have a girlfriend right now going through a similar sitch. Her friend doesnt have children, but otherwise has baggage and she is looking for reasons to end the relationship in my opinion.

I am like, just date him- enjoy his company yet keep your options open. As long as he is treating you in a manner that you enjoy, what is the big deal. I agree with those that have said, date, dont be exclusive, and dont have sex.

I mean sounds kinda material, but why pass up having company, a random free meal, and it keeps you fresh and light hearted for when you actually meet the person you are wanting to be with in the long run.

I hear what you are saying, but he is being so creative to try and spend time together. If I left it up to him we would be together everyday!!! Annnndddd, the more I look at them pretty teeth, and dimples, and the more we talk....... ya'll If I ain't careful I am going to be in deep trouble. Here's the bizarre thing. Please forgive me if it's TMI, but I am wondering if this has ever happened to anyone? Ok, as most of you know I have been celibate for going on several years, besides on slip up, Now this man and I where sitting on the couch and just talking. Yes we were sitting close. Why did I have to excuse myself cause Merry Merry started talking and singing like a fine tuned piano! The cello's started strumpin and the bass had a back beat!!!! I have never ever responded to someone like this when there was no foreplay at all! He wasn't touching me or anything like that. It... just ...happened. And no, while he is attractive, he ain't what I would call a gorgeous man. This has never happened to me before, even with a man I called myself in love with. I know it's been a minute but dang!! I have to make sure I find excuses to not spend so much time with him. I'm fighting it with as much as I can muster.


Thanks everyone for the advice and understanding. This will have to play out to the best of everyone's intentions**I hope**

 

[SweetCaramel1]

umSumayyah brought up a good point. i totally forgot about the child support problem.

your situation reminds me of one of my favorite movies "dissappearing acts" with sanaa lathan and wesley snipes. she meets a maintenance man and........... well you'll see.

he sounds like a nice guy to be friends with and may not want a longterm relationship himself. to be honest the number kids wouldn't bother me but the child support does i'm glad your being honest with yourself now before the relationship goes deeper. goodluck whatever you decide