I really need advice

[mamaore]

I am a Christian and have been married for 6 years. My DH does not talk down to me nor physically abuse me.

But I have other issues with my DH, and right now I am really very fed up of it.

Everyone I know including my parents keep telling me all men want is Sex, Food and affirmation.

But my experience in the sex category has been very different and really I dont know what to do anymore.

My husband hardly ever asks for sex.. and I mean maybe like 96% in our marriage I have been the initiator. Sometimes we go for 1 month and nothing. When I ask whats going on, I get excuses like.."u've been busy and are tired". I always tell him I am never tired for sex, but nothing has changed. It not fun when its the woman that does the chasing, it just doesnt seem right to me.

And a few months ago, I caught him with Pornography, I really am proud of myself the way I handled that episode, he apologized and we prayed about it and he said it was a mistake. However, I saw a funny charge on his visa early this year, and it really looked suspicous because it was a subscription to a site. On my investigation, it looked like payments made through such sites are for porn subscription. When I talked to him about it, he said it was nothing and I should just forget it.
But after that, I have been very uneasy. I really have this nagging feeling he has a "wite girl fantasy" (no offence to the caucasian ladies)

Not only that, the only time he ever gave me a gift throughout the 6 years was about 3 years ago and it was a pedicure set.

We had issues when we were going out, that I felt was resolved.
But after we got married it was like poof... At the moment, I am not sure he ever loved me. If he does, he really has a weird way of showing it.

To his credit he does stuff with the kids, washes the dishes once a while, irons and picks me up and drops me off at the station. But really thats about it. I take care of all finances (we have a joint account), planning travel..everything other thing.

I dont think he has ever said I looked good in anaything I wear or whatever. I aam just plain looking but at least a compliment once in a while will be encouraging.

Sometimes I wish I could just work part time and have more time with my boys, but I know I will be living slightly above the poverty line if I try that.

I earn about 35-45% more and it has always been like that.

Right now I feel so lonely, living in another country with no friends or family close by to at least take my mind off things. (I moved from Nigeria to Canada a few years ago)


I know I am not the best wife, I am very independent and aggressive and I am working on that. There is soo much going on, Its really killing me. I'm trying hard not to be resentful but this is hard.

I seriously doubt my husband will go for counselling, if he does he probably will smile through it and say nothing.

Despite all of this, I still feel I made the right decision in marrying him. I hope I still feel the same way 1 year from now.

I will appreciate your advice. I am at my wits end.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Suggest counseling, do not assume he'll say nada to it. You seem to want the marriage to work..make it happen. I like your loyalty and commitment.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I'd say pray on it more, but if he's truly not sexually interested in you, and will continue to lie and hide porn, then it may be time to re-consider the sexual boundaries.

Some people MAY take this as a sign to separate... legally... or divorce.. or allow the unsatisfied partner to step out sexually. I know you're Christian, so in this essence, your only choice is to let him know that you've had it "up to here" and want him to get with the program or "move on" without him in your life.

 

[cocopuff]

Suggest counseling, do not assume he'll say nada to it. You seem to want the marriage to work..make it happen. I like your loyalty and commitment.

I would say the same thing. Seek counseling first to try and work through your issues and if that does not work then separation may be the next step (though I hope it does not come to that).

 

[Ladybelle]

Here's a link that I think may be helpful to you. It's a christian based website with biblical based & practical advice. It has info on all kinds of issues we face in marriage, including the one(s) you are having right now.

http://www.marriagemissions.com/

Other than the link, I don't know what to tell you except: ALL things are possible with God, including the healing and deliverance of you, your husband and your marriage.

God bless.

 

[mamaore]

I dont want to leave my marriage. I really dont think I can do that. asuperwoman, thanks for the link. I have read a few articles there already.

I will talk to my husband again, when all my emotions are calm. I will keep praying about this, If only I can find some sort of Hobby to distract myself and keep myself busy.

 

[Ladybelle]

I dont want to leave my marriage. I really dont think I can do that. asuperwoman, thanks for the link. I have read a few articles there already.

I will talk to my husband again, when all my emotions are calm. I will keep praying about this, If only I can find some sort of Hobby to distract myself and keep myself busy.

I hope the link was helpful for you. I think as long as you are safe from hurt, harm or danger it is okay for you to have hope for the sanctity of your marriage. God will honor that. You can also do a google search for marriage testimonies, you will be surprised what kind of things God has delievered couples from. Sometimes it is harder to stay than it is to leave.

No matter what happens, I pray you receive God's best for you.

Take care!

 

[FluffyRed]

How old are you and hubs?

Women are taught to think that men are always up for sex, but I know of several instances where men in their mid to late 30's are not sexing their wives/gfs.

Maybe as his hormones subside, his emotional issues from previous experiences may be coming up? I have no idea. But I know this is not uncommon.

On the rest, I dunno. What's good in the marriage?

 

[mamaore]

How old are you and hubs?

Women are taught to think that men are always up for sex, but I know of several instances where men in their mid to late 30's are not sexing their wives/gfs.

Maybe as his hormones subside, his emotional issues from previous experiences may be coming up? I have no idea. But I know this is not uncommon.

On the rest, I dunno. What's good in the marriage?

He was 30 when we got married, so yes he is now in his mid 30's but its has always been like this since we got married. Before marriage, we kept from each other.

Whats good - he is a wonderful father, he respects my family and I love him.
Cant think of anything else right now.

 

[Ladybelle]

He was 30 when we got married, so yes he is now in his mid 30's but its has always been like this since we got married. Before marriage, we kept from each other.

Whats good - he is a wonderful father, he respects my family and I love him.
Cant think of anything else right now.

I talked to my DH about your situation, just to get a man's perspective and he stated that the problem with the sex in your marriage is the pornography addiction.
Your DH has developed an attraction to the women in the porn videos, which is truly a distortion of true intimacy. Try to have an honest dialogue with your DH about it & express to him that it is really a problem (if you haven't already) but try not to allow it to turn into an argument.

 

[mamaore]

Asuperwoman,

That has been my concern, but I haven't really caught him red handed except for those two occassions I spoke of. I really dont know how to broach the topic again without bring up what is in the past. Its difficult not to sound accusatory(sp?)

I guess if he is still doing this, he will be hiding it away from me. I will muster up some courage and talk with him.

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Asuperwoman,

That has been my concern, but I haven't really caught him red handed except for those two occassions I spoke of. I really dont know how to broach the topic again without bring up what is in the past. Its difficult not to sound accusatory(sp?)

I guess if he is still doing this, he will be hiding it away from me. I will muster up some courage and talk with him.

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

He will hide it, he will deny it, and he may even go as far as to cover his tracks up even more. There's an escapist sentiment surrounding the whole situation with men and porn. He may not be feeling powerful enough with you as the breadwinner, so he looks to porn that makes him feel powerful, especially if he's from a male-dominated culture. He may feel like you don't "show him attention" so he gets it from porn... the reasoning varies from man to man.... and to be honest, porn is a personal "vice" I have as someone with "Christian" beliefs- I don't think it's bad but I think it's bad when it's used the WRONG way... and interferes with the couple's relationship, as is in your situation.

I would hypothetically ASK him, if he would have a problem with you getting "your needs met" from someone else. He might get upset and blah blah blah, but you can let him know it's obvious he's been getting his needs met with adult entertainment, and even if it's not a "real person" it's "really" taking away from your intimacy ... and feeling of desirability.

You are obviously NOT comfortable "leaving him" but your reasons, IMO are because of love and security. He's a great family man, he's respectful and you love him. Those are basic pre-requisites for a happy solid foundation, so you're telling me this man only gives you the bare basics. But you are not fully happy, and obviously it's where a lot of marriages struggle most: sexually. You shouldn't "discount" that because everything else is there, especially if you're increasingly disturbed by the reasoning behind it.

Pray on the situation more, think of all the worse case scenarios and outcomes of each situation and work from there.

 

[Ladybelle]

Asuperwoman,

That has been my concern, but I haven't really caught him red handed except for those two occassions I spoke of. I really dont know how to broach the topic again without bring up what is in the past. Its difficult not to sound accusatory(sp?)

I guess if he is still doing this, he will be hiding it away from me. I will muster up some courage and talk with him.

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

I hope I'm wrong about the porn problem, but there is a problem that needs to be addressed in your marraige no matter what it is and I hope you and your DH are able to sit down and work together to resolve it. The first step is acknowledging the situation you are dealing with. I know it has to be difficult for you right now. We as women are designed to want affirmation, adoration and cherishment from our significant others & when we are not getting it, it can cause us to question our entire existence and feel very lonely. It is during times like this that you must sustain your relationship with Christ, he will hug you, hold you and remind you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I was re-reading your first post & one thing that stuck out to me was you saying "you don't know if you he ever really loved you" Is that how you really feel or is it just emotions getting the best of you?

Does your DH have a relationship with the Lord like you?

 

[mamaore]

Yes he is a christian, and believe me when I say his walk with the Lord is more vibrant than mine.

My comment about him not loving me is really how I feel and I have felt like this for at least 2 -3 years if not more. He may very well love me, but he isn't expressing it to me. I dont know if that makes sense.

I have some time off work coming up soon, I will take that time to reflect on what I want to do and how to proceed, but I know seperation is not on the table.

If I could just deal with the resentment and move on; but I am only successful at it for a time.

 

[Ladybelle]

Yes he is a christian, and believe me when I say his walk with the Lord is more vibrant than mine.

My comment about him not loving me is really how I feel and I have felt like this for at least 2 -3 years if not more. He may very well love me, but he isn't expressing it to me. I dont know if that makes sense.

I have some time off work coming up soon, I will take that time to reflect on what I want to do and how to proceed, but I know seperation is not on the table.

If I could just deal with the resentment and move on; but I am only successful at it for a time.

I certainly applaud your strength. I won't start quoting scriptures as I'm sure you have done a lot of scripture searching with what you're going through, but there are a few I can't help but mention:

1)The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run there and are safe
2) He is a present help in time of trouble
3) Do not grow weary in well-doing, you shall reap if you faint not.

As difficult as it may be for you, try to keep loving your husband and being the best wife you can be. Turn him & the situation over to God. Since your husband loves the Lord, God will certainly make him aware of what's going on.

I know initially I said for you to try and talk to DH - and maybe you should but foremost tell it all to God (if you haven't already) He has a way of bearing all of our burdens for us. I don't know your husband, but from what I can gather about you on here- how can he not love you? I'm sure he does, he's just falling short in showing it right now.

 

[kweenameena]

Praying for you and your marriage. It'll be okay.

 

[vevster]

The pedicure set sounds like a hint to me

 

[Xerxes]

The pedicure set sounds like a hint to me

LMAO!!

Why does this whole situation remind me of Charlotte's problem with Trey on "Sex in the City"?

The husband might have problems with his equipment and is scared that he can no longer "perform" like he used to. Also, he very well may have lost interest in the OP.

OP have your looks/weight changed over the years? Are your feet rough-looking? Do you need to get more pedicures?

I'm not trying to be funny, but if you won't divorce him and you want sex but he's not complying then you need to have some real talk with hubby and be prepared to listen to all he has to say.

He very well may be in more torment than you.

Have you ever gotten all glammed up and then did the following for him ?

 

[mamaore]

The pedicure set sounds like a hint to me

Hmm, the thought never occurred to me. my feet is okay though, it wont hurt to schedule pedicures more frequently.

Thanks

 

[mamaore]

As difficult as it may be for you, try to keep loving your husband and being the best wife you can be.

Thanks for your kind words, but I guess this is the crux of the matter, still be the best wife I can be irrespective of what is going on.

 

[mamaore]

LMAO!!


?

This right here is too funny! lol!!.

my looks have not changed and I added 2.5 pounds tops from my wedding till now.

I know I am not a fashionista, even when I was single I never was and I am really working on that.

Thinking about the pedicure set, this may be time for me to perm my hair again. I didnt want to do it, but now that you ladies mentioned the pedicure, he probably has issues with my natural hair as well. He has been dropping hints of late, but I never thought much of it.

I do glam up once a while, but I get tired of initiating it all the time. It really gets old quickly.
Oh well!.

 

[Ladybelle]

LMAO!!

Why does this whole situation remind me of Charlotte's problem with Trey on "Sex in the City"?

The husband might have problems with his equipment and is scared that he can no longer "perform" like he used to. Also, he very well may have lost interest in the OP.

OP have your looks/weight changed over the years? Are your feet rough-looking? Do you need to get more pedicures?

I'm not trying to be funny, but if you won't divorce him and you want sex but he's not complying then you need to have some real talk with hubby and be prepared to listen to all he has to say.

He very well may be in more torment than you.

Have you ever gotten all glammed up and then did the following for him ?

oh my! do you always speak so candidly? If I were OP, what you said may have hurt my feelings. what you said may have some elements of truth to it, but man HOW you say it matters too!

 

[mamaore]

oh my! do you always speak so candidly (sp)?? If I were OP, what you said may have hurt my feelings. what you said may have some elements of truth to it, but man HOW you say it matters to.

Not to worry, I can take it.

 

[tatiana]

If I was you, I would find out EXACTLY what kind of porn he is looking at. That may answer a lot of your questions. Do not assume it is white girl. It may be certain positions. It may be children or it may be men. YES that kind of porn exists.

I would be looking for magazines. I would be going thru every DVD. I will be checking my cable bill to see what movies was order. I would be going online to see what he is looking at. Most people who look at porn look at in more than one format.

Just because a man is married. Just because a man is a Christian it does not mean he is above such smut.

 

[Xerxes]

This right here is too funny! lol!!.

my looks have not changed and I added 2.5 pounds tops from my wedding till now.

I know I am not a fashionista, even when I was single I never was and I am really working on that.

Thinking about the pedicure set, this may be time for me to perm my hair again. I didnt want to do it, but now that you ladies mentioned the pedicure, he probably has issues with my natural hair as well. He has been dropping hints of late, but I never thought much of it.

I do glam up once a while, but I get tired of initiating it all the time. It really gets old quickly.
Oh well!.

LOL!

If you think that your hair might be an issue or your general appearance, I would suggest just getting a weave/wig and then rocking his world. You don't have to permanently alter your hair if you don't want to.

I think the biggest question now is are you happy enough with him? Are you satisfied? You mentioned earning more than he does and maybe his addiction to porn might also be a sign of him being a bit jealous. He could be using this as a passive aggressive attempt to anger you. <shrug>

I don't know your man, but every straight man I have ever met responds to T&A, so if you get glammed up and drop it like it's hot and he ignores you, then divorce him with a quickness and upgrade him.

Also, thanks for seeing my humor and I sincerely hope you pray and get your relationship in order.

 

[Xerxes]

oh my! do you always speak so candidly? If I were OP, what you said may have hurt my feelings. what you said may have some elements of truth to it, but man HOW you say it matters too!

OP got my joke, and yes this is how I speak online and in real life.

Honestly, with a smiley like this in the post ( ), how could anyone keep a straight face or get angry? LMAO

 

[Ladybelle]

OP got my joke, and yes this is how I speak online and in real life.

Honestly, with a smiley like this in the post ( ), how could anyone keep a straight face or get angry? LMAO

I wasn't angry at all- what you said was real straight forward and when it comes to matters of the heart, I'll be the first to admit I'm a lil' sensitive.

It was , so funny that I thought it may have been kinda hurtful. But, in situations like this - it's probably good to have a good laugh. And sometimes, you need someone who is bold enough to give it to you straight. You certainly did that!!! and all. Hilarious!! I got your point and so did OP which is most important.

 

[january noir]

Remember men are visual creatures.

There isn't a man I know that doesn't want his woman to look good, smell good and be feminine. I am sure there are exceptions, but that's the rule.
You don't have to stop being independent or even aggressive as long as it's in context to the situation. That's just good "takin' care of business" and common sense.

Sometime men choose to marry a woman that is generally more plain just to bear his children and keep his house and lust after others. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's a reality.

You stated that you are working on issues around being independent and aggressive and fixing yourself up more. Move on that quickly.

Even if he doesn't notice or change his behaviour right away, do it for YOURSELF. As long as you can afford to, go ahead and pamper and treat yourself (manis/pedis, new outfits, makeup, etc.). It will lift your spirits and put a smile on your face.

When you are feeling light and looking fantastic, he just might take notice.

If he doesn't come around, ain't no shame in moving on to find happiness if he's not. No one, not even the Lord, would be mad if you did.

I hope you find peace and happiness in your marriage and in all other areas of your life.

And let me add, you are better person than me, 'cause, I would be long gone.

 

[Farida]

If he doesn't want counseling you can certainly go alone. This is a lot to deal with. Helps to have a private sounding board who may also give you ideas on what role you can play to make things better.

 

[spritex]

I do feel for you OP and understand why you are leery of divorce. It is still considered a social stigma in Nigeria. Here is praying you both work things through.