I Need Your Help Ladies

flowinlocks

flowinlocks

Well-Known Member
Ok ladies I need some advice.

Scenario, soon to be son in law wants to invite his mother to hang out with him, my dd and I for my bday. I don't want to hang with his mother. We get along fine so that's not the issue. It's just that we have nothing in common as well as I've discovered she's fake, loves to exaggerate, and a host of other annoying habits. So it's hard trying to force a friendship on my end.

Don't get me wrong, she super friendly and knows how to go along with the fun. In fact we BOTH kinda "tolerate" each other if you know what I mean. I'm sure I work her nerves being so standoffish. Another main clashing factor is she's a social butterfly that doesn't meet a stranger. Will chat it up with anyone. While I'm more reserved although I'm not totally introverted. I can actually be the life of the party IF it's someone I want to hang with.

Little back story. Since they have been seriously dating she constantly invites me to family functions at her house. Holidays, birthdays. etc.... I manage to dodge her for most of the year. Giving in a few times for a random bbq or bday aside from Christmas. Because she's soooo friendly she doesn't "get" that I don't want to hang out with them for every event. I've explained to her that my family doesn't even hang like that, And we talk even less.

Fast forward to my birthday coming up. My dd asked me what I wanted to do. We will most likely grab some food, maybe go to a museum. Might have drinks with friends later. I was hoping future son in law had to work only because I know he wants to invite his mom. Keep in mind, her and her hubby celebrated with me last year. (we had a party at the house). I've celebrated with her a few times as well. In fact she just hosted their engagement party. The truth is, I don't want to hang with her every birthday, actually never lol. I'm plucking my eyes out to hang out the few times a year as is.

I realize my son in law wants to invite her so he doesn't seem like the third wheel. Truth be told, I don't care but I'm sure he does. He pulls the same thing on mother's day every year. My dd will tell him what she wants to do for me and of course as a guy to make things easier, he wants to invite his mom to kill two birds with one stone. Lord knows I refuse to do this for the lifetime of their marriage. DD and I had a nice brunch for Mother's Day this year because he was at work. However, the year before that we all went to live show. Truth be told. I'm sure she would love if he would do Mother's day with just them two as well.

So the question is how do I tell my son in law. I DON'T WANNA HANG WIT YA MAMMY.

Option 1: (My preferred method) I can tell him the truth but it's very calloused on my end. I don't care if we ever hang out with her. Ever again in life. Lol I know this is not feasible. I'm a loner by nature so I can fantasize.

Option 2: Tell my son in law I'm not doing anything for my birthday and me and dd can hang out on a day when he's working. (I REALLY don't want to start with the lies so this really isn't an option.)

Option 3: Suck it up and let him invite her and cringe my way through my birthday. (LOATHING this option because it sets the standard for every year thereafter.)

Option 4: Tell him he can stay home and that I just want to have girl's day out with dd. In which case he might still try to invite his mom, making for an awkward moment. Not to mention, I know she will eventually peep the fact that I'm dissing her every birthday.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to rant.
 
I would with lots of kindness let him know who and how I prefer to spend my day, even son in law is uninvited with a smile. I wouldn't let him know I don't want to spend time with his mother.
I have gradually changed to be more tolerant of people and their peculiarities, but I refuse to be uncomfortable while maintaining a cordial relationship.
This is from someone who refuses to visit my DH sister because she is a witch, same town, I visit once in two years, she 3-4 comes to my house for visits per year. When she visits, I am so nice and hospitable but minimal conversation, allow her brother entertain her. I am African, that's really unusual and most people think unacceptable but she can't find anything to complain about if she wanted.
PS: I will play nice because of your daughter but still take ownership of how I spend my time and with whom!
 
I would tell the truth and use it as a time to set expectations for future events and let him know that special days the special person should do invites and not invites. You can say it in a nice way. You can also tell your daughter so when he brings it up she squashes these ideas.

Better clear boundaries now versus resentment later.
 
Ms. Tarabotti said:
Can you not tell your daughter that you would like to spend your birthday/holidays/whatever with just her once in a while? Does she always let him invite his mother to your celebrations?
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I was thinking the same. Tell DD how you feel about everything and let her tell her FH what the deal is. You don't need to say anything to him or his mom about it. That's her family:look:
 
1. Are you dating someone or do you have a bff? I'd bring that person along. I'd let the three of them have the time of their life on one end while I'll do the same on the other end and come to terms with the fact that mother/daughter time will be changing going forward.

or

2. Tell your daughter that you were hoping for a mother/daughter day.

We have that same issue in our family where my aunt invites her husband everywhere. Whether it be a girls night out that was supposed to be with my mom, her and myself, or to an aunt/niece "thing". He is always there and it's annoying lol. However, we've decided not to have that difficult conversation and either ignore him or if I have to meet her somewhere I bring my fiancé along so that we can have our own lil party on the side lol. She even has the audacity to ask me prior if he's coming along when she even invited her husband to our weekend getaway :/
 
tolly said:
I would with lots of kindness let him know who and how I prefer to spend my day, even son in law is uninvited with a smile. I wouldn't let him know I don't want to spend time with his mother.
I have gradually changed to be more tolerant of people and their peculiarities, but I refuse to be uncomfortable while maintaining a cordial relationship.
This is from someone who refuses to visit my DH sister because she is a witch, same town, I visit once in two years, she 3-4 comes to my house for visits per year. When she visits, I am so nice and hospitable but minimal conversation, allow her brother entertain her. I am African, that's really unusual and most people think unacceptable but she can't find anything to complain about if she wanted.
PS: I will play nice because of your daughter but still take ownership of how I spend my time and with whom!
Click to expand...

I will most likely go with this option. Thanks.
 
Mother's Day & Birthday: Tell your daughter you just want it to be her, a mother-daughter event.

**Depending on your daughter's sensitivities, I may not mention I can't stand hanging out with her future mother in law. I def. would not say it to son in law.

Compromise: Maybe once every three years, celebrate your bday more than once - once with who you really want there and once with your new in law family. I have different groups of friends that I have celebrated with at diff times.


And HAPPY BDAY!!!
 
awhyley said:
OP, it's your birthday, so I wouldn't suck it up. I'm for Option1, (without the callousness). Since she's so social, she'll have no problem finding something else to do that day.



@hothair 1st post didn't come through.
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Lol I totally agree. Truth be told I'm not sure he's mentioned anything to her yet. If he hasn't my bday will casually slip on but without her noticing. If he has mentioned it, Oh well......
 
SmileyNY said:
Just tell him you'd like some alone time with your daughter for your birthday. Boom. Problem solved.
Click to expand...

Lol it will probably end up like this if he bows out. But truthfully we really do have fun when just the three of us hang. They have invited me to the movies, eat, drinks, etc.... on a few occasions and we have a blast. So I really wouldn't care if he came along. But mother/daughter time is a given.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
Ha dh and I used to do the joint Mother’s Day brunch. I wonder if this is how my mother felt.
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Lol she may have and not said anything. My dd has done this before with anther boyfriend in the past. It was only a one time thing. Normally dd and I will just hang by ourselves. They took us out to dinner. I wasn't thrilled. :look:
 
faithVA said:
I would tell the truth and use it as a time to set expectations for future events and let him know that special days the special person should do invites and not invites. You can say it in a nice way. You can also tell your daughter so when he brings it up she squashes these ideas.

Better clear boundaries now versus resentment later.
Click to expand...

And there it is.
 
Ms. Tarabotti said:
Can you not tell your daughter that you would like to spend your birthday/holidays/whatever with just her once in a while? Does she always let him invite his mother to your celebrations?
Click to expand...

Mainly just Mother's Day. He likes to do the joint thing. Actually it's her and I MOST of the time. Future son in law is a fire fighter so he's gone for days. They both invited her and her hubby to my party last year. I didn't mind, we had fun. He's tried to invite her a few times to other stuff but the plans end up falling though. As far as her telling him. I'm not sure if she would straight out say "my mama don't wanna hang with your mama." I'm going to take matters into my own hands.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
No I mean we did a joint brunch because either mil or my mother would have been upset if we took one out the day off and the other one out the day after.

Your bday is a totally different issue. That shouldn’t have to be a joint celebration
Click to expand...

I doesn't HAVE to be. Future son in law most likely thinks I want to hang out with her. Keep in mind, I went out to breakfast for her birthday with them earlier this year. so he may feel like he should invite her when really there is no need.
 
Tell your daughter. Let her figure out how to deal with her dh and mum in law.

My MIL and my mother are polar opposites. Infact lets put it that my MIL represents 85 percent of what my mother can't stand in a woman. My mum has politely made it clear to me she wants minimum contact and I have managed it.

Mum does visit her maybe once every couple years (they live in same town) but ignores her pretty much the rest of the time.

I understand but this is your daughter's problem really to sort out
 
flowinlocks said:
Lol I'm trying hard to play nice. Really I don't care who's offended or if I'm liked. :look:
Click to expand...

Try to keep your disdain under wraps and play nice once in a while for your daughter's sake. Nothing worse than blatant inlaw tension. It can be stressful for a marriage.

My mother-in-law isn't the easiest to get along with and neither is my mom :look: :lol: But, luckily, everyone has been considerate enough to play nice and compromise when needed. And thank God for that!

My mother-in-law's relationship with her daughter's in laws is strained and their situation is so uncomfortable. Now my sister in law and her husband have to play referee and juggle invites to accommodate the silliness. I'm glad things aren't like that on our end and I pray the maturity continues.
 
SmileyNY said:
Try to keep your disdain under wraps and play nice once in a while for your daughter's sake. Nothing worse than blatant inlaw tension. It can be stressful for a marriage.

My mother-in-law isn't the easiest to get along with and neither is my mom :look: :lol: But, luckily, everyone has been considerate enough to play nice and compromise when needed. And thank God for that!

My mother-in-law's relationship with her daughter's in laws is strained and their situation is so uncomfortable. Now my sister in law and her husband have to play referee and juggle invites to accommodate the silliness. I'm glad things aren't like that on our end and I pray the maturity continues.
Click to expand...

That part we don't have an issue with. We get along fine. We are cordial. We even send each other text every now and then. The fact that we "keep up appearances" probably make him think I like her more than I really do. :look: Like I said, we do holidays, birthdays and other celebrations together so I compromise quite often. I'm just trying to set the standard for MY birthday and possibly Mother's Day.
 
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