He says he has a "crush" on your friend

[preciouslove0x]

Um... the advice should be that you DO bring your man around your friends. That way you can tell early on if you can trust him (or your friend) or not. Wow... is "not bringing him around" really the advice women are giving each other these days?????? It's called self-control. SMDH

 

[calm_delight]

I don't think you should tell your roommate/friend about this, it's none of her business. JMO

I probably would have admitted to a crush on one of his friends just to let him know how it feels (even if it wasn't true)... but I can be a itchb sometimes.

 

[DrC]

Thanks ladies for your input. The sad part is I've attempted dumping him like 3 times already...he just keeps sneaking his way back in to my heart :/ But I need to stop putting up with his disrespect. This last incident I can't overlook.

Well at least he is an honest dog putting his dog ish on the table. Women already have enough problems with men trying to conceal their ish. This is my own assessment of the matter. I'm assuming your 'friend' is young. Early mid 20's maybe? I've had a guy do this to me in my younger days, and he knew for a fact that I liked him.

Dated my friend, colored with her and expected me to be supportive. You may possibly go back because there is a soft spot that you can't let go, and may think it will change. It may take you some time, which is okay because this is a life learning experience and nobody is perfect, but it's going to come a day (it could be right now or later on in the future) when your will wake up and be completely fed-up and have reached your limit.

And I don't mean a indecisive contemplating moment. I mean a 'Waiting to Exhale' moment. You know the part in the end where all 4 came to the conclusion they don't need to sacrifice their dignity for the b.s the men were giving them? Once you hit that moment, you'll be able to move on for good. Step one is realizing you don't need the disrespect and deserve much better. Kudos to you for recognizing this isn't something to accept. I've encountered some women who won't even acknowledge it and remain in denial. Try to stick on the dignified track and you will eventually find your way to greatness.

 

[Duchesse]

DrC I really appreciate your post especially the last line I've been trying to get myself to that "Angela Basset flick the cigarette" point lol

 

[hopeful]

Um... the advice should be that you DO bring your man around your friends. That way you can tell early on if you can trust him (or your friend) or not. Wow... is "not bringing him around" really the advice women are giving each other these days?????? It's called self-control. SMDH

It's about boundaries, appropriate boundaries. Not saying she is responsible for his bad behavior at all. That's on him. But consistently hanging out with your date/bf/so/dh AND your gf IMO is silly. It's okay for them to meet or hang out on occasion, here and there, but consistently or often? It's like he is dating both of you or setting up inappropriate bonding between your guy and your gf. That's just my opinion. Things go awry often when when women (usually young women) do this and then they are surprised by the outcome.

 

[lux10023]

^^^ very well said...and thats exactly what my point was...

 

[Fine 4s]

"That sounds silly. do you hide siblings too?"

That's what I'm thinking! It disappoints me when I hear women saying stuff like this. But I know a lot of women believe it and have experiences to support this position.

 

[ladysaraii]

It's about boundaries, appropriate boundaries. Not saying she is responsible for his bad behavior at all. That's on him. But consistently hanging out with your date/bf/so/dh AND your gf IMO is silly. It's okay for them to meet or hang out on occasion, here and there, but consistently or often? It's like he is dating both of you or setting up inappropriate bonding between your guy and your gf. That's just my opinion. Things go awry often when when women (usually young women) do this and then they are surprised by the outcome.

hopeful

That's a good perspective. Not hiding your friends, but no need to invite them into the relationship

 

[celiabug]

Well all my roomates aren't as attractive as me and they got issues. But if my SO were to tell me some stuff like that we'd be done. I don't do that heck naw!

 

[Lucie]

Sorry OP but if he told you this I don't think he values what you have and is probably looking for an out.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

@DrC I really appreciate your post especially the last line I've been trying to get myself to that "Angela Basset flick the cigarette" point lol

Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. ACT as if you are worth more than this type of behavior now. He may be young and only used to dysfunctional BS but that doesn't mean you have to waste your pretty years waiting for him to realize what he could have had. Don't reward or continue the back and forth games with him. The more time you spend with him is time you are not spending attracting the next man that will appreciate the treasure that you are. Playing The Jealousy Games never leads to anything good.

 

[BonBon]

Should say : "Phew, I'm so glad it's not just me! I've had the biggest crush on your father/brother/cousin for ages now. It's great to tell you about it finally!"

What an ***

 

[Fine 4s]

We talked about this thread and at some point he said "I think you have a crush on XY" a very, very close friend of his whom I talk to about our relationship and who hangs out with us quite a bit.

me : Nooooooo *look*

He's actually right lmao!!!!

 

[LaBelleLL]

We talked about this thread and at some point he said "I think you have a crush on XY" a very, very close friend of his whom I talk to about our relationship and who hangs out with us quite a bit. me : Nooooooo *look* He's actually right lmao!!!!

Whoa how does that work? Why do you talk to this guy about your relationship?

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[Kindheart]

I would leave him alone ,how you gonna stay with someone who wants to screw your friend ? That sounds messy . Might even fantasise about her ..no thanks

 

[Duchesse]

Should say : "Phew, I'm so glad it's not just me! I've had the biggest crush on your father/brother/cousin for ages now. It's great to tell you about it finally!" What an ***

Lol! Dangit! I'm never that quick with the comebacks... Well since this incident I've been ignoring him (which isn't the most mature response) and haven't seen him yet. Not seeing him for awhile will make it easier to do the inevitable.

 

[Lovestyr]

He would be out of my life. Yeah it may be a harmless crush but I wouldn't wait around to see what develops. Drunk ppl speak the truth and he told u he was feeling your roomate. Hypothetically run girl, lol

 

[Fine 4s]

Whoa how does that work? Why do you talk to this guy about your relationship?

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LaBelleLL
It works because I don't think about it, just a mutual friend (like Eldis Alba) who happens to be fine. No biggie. He's always been supportive of us and when things go down sometimes I'd or we'd both talk to him for perspective (you know, how we talk to each other here or IRL for advice). It's no issue for me at all but he is sexy to me lol *shrug* I don't act on impulse so me thinking this is a non issue. Hence why my guy crushing on a friend would be a non-issue to me. I have a few very attractive friends with great personalities and smarts, I'm sure my partners have thought about them in not so innocent ways at some point in time. Dun bother me none. That's just my personality I guess.

But thinking your guy/woman is walking through life never jonesing for any other person is fantasy IMO.

 

[hopeful]

LaBelleLL
It works because I don't think about it, just a mutual friend (like Eldis Alba) who happens to be fine. No biggie. He's always been supportive of us and when things go down sometimes I'd or we'd both talk to him for perspective (you know, how we talk to each other here or IRL for advice). It's no issue for me at all but he is sexy to me lol *shrug* I don't act on impulse so me thinking this is a non issue. Hence why my guy crushing on a friend would be a non-issue to me. I have a few very attractive friends with great personalities and smarts, I'm sure my partners have thought about them in not so innocent ways at some point in time. Dun bother me none. That's just my personality I guess.

But thinking your guy/woman is walking through life never jonesing for any other person is fantasy IMO.

But the bolded is not the point. The issue here is boundaries and him telling her, which is hurtful and disrespectful. I will also say that I am surprised at how nonchalant you are on this matter as you seem to have been jealous many times of your so's interactions with other women. I'm a little confused.

 

[LaBelleLL]

Thanks for replying Fine4s.

I would write more but I know you didn't ask for advice or anything - so I'll just keep it to myself lol.

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[Maynard]

It sounds like to me he just broke up with you and you don't realize it.

 

[Fine 4s]

Thanks for replying Fine4s.

I would write more but I know you didn't ask for advice or anything - so I'll just keep it to myself lol.

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No, it OK it's just a perspective- share! U know u want to

 

[Fine 4s]

But the bolded is not the point. The issue here is boundaries and him telling her, which is hurtful and disrespectful. I will also say that I am surprised at how nonchalant you are on this matter as you seem to have been jealous many times of your so's interactions with other women. I'm a little confused.

Absolutely not the point ITA and I mentioned a similar point higher up. I was going to say it again but tried to keep it short (so hard for me at times).

I surprise myself sometimes hopeful. On the outside I'm a walking talking contradiction who, in her mind, makes sense lol
However this example doesn't support your observation IMO. From what I remember (maybe conveniently) my posts have been more about boundaries and appropriateness. Crushing on someone is not crossing the line to me it's what you DO with those feelings that I'd probably have an issue with. You understand? And him telling me is good IMO. On another note, my personality is such that I question everything that I do so while I might come here and vent, I still try to be reasonable even when reason shouldn't matter. If I'm jealous and it makes no sense, I TRY to check it and then just come here to vent until....it doesn't bother me anymore or until I put it in its proper perspective.

It's all pie in the sky too because maybe I'd react completely different when faced with this situation, ain't even gonna lie! Not saying I'd like it but.....

The unknown variable is more a threat to me the the known IDK.....

 

[hopeful]

...
The unknown variable is more a threat to me the the known IDK.....

Gotcha! Thanks for replying. I understand better now, the bolded put it in better perspective.

 

[FlyyBohemian]

Instead of getting emotional or showing any sign of jealousy(like he wanted), I would have played it cool and said "oh really. interesting..." then cut if off in a few days with no explanation.

 

[LaBelleLL]

LaBelleLL It works because I don't think about it, just a mutual friend (like Eldis Alba) who happens to be fine. No biggie. He's always been supportive of us and when things go down sometimes I'd or we'd both talk to him for perspective (you know, how we talk to each other here or IRL for advice). It's no issue for me at all but he is sexy to me lol *shrug* I don't act on impulse so me thinking this is a non issue. Hence why my guy crushing on a friend would be a non-issue to me. I have a few very attractive friends with great personalities and smarts, I'm sure my partners have thought about them in not so innocent ways at some point in time. Dun bother me none. That's just my personality I guess. But thinking your guy/woman is walking through life never jonesing for any other person is fantasy IMO.

Ok well I just think it's bad form to involve a 3rd party like a mutual friend in your relationship in the way you have described. And you having a crush (albeit innocent) is another layer (ps your SO has picked up on something). Just seems like a seemingly minor situation that could turn complicated.

Personally also out of respect for my SO, I wouldn't bring a problem about us to someone who knows him or is his friend. For some reason if I felt to bring a problem to someone, it would be to someone on my side (mother, bff). I can't articulate it but it just feels inappropriate.

And Yes I know many women talk to each other here or in IRL, turn to their friends. With the women here, it's anonymous so it's ok. But even still, I would be careful with how much someone divulges here. Same with turning to your gf. That's fine but there is always a limit. And it's also one sided which helps to keep opinions, etc contained. A person listening to both the bf and gf is just...a bit much. And I'm sure you have a limit with this mutual friend but idk - it just made me wonder how that works.

My parents did this where people (relatives) were somewhat involved in their relationship. Like so and so giving advice or so and so refereeing. I really wished they just went to therapy bc that's what they needed. I think having a 3rd party involved (plus their culture) did not allow them to see the gravity of their situation and the need for better help. Not saying this is you but just giving you some context as to why this piqued my interest.

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[Fine 4s]

Good thing it's not often but I actually like someone who can talk to both of us.
I'll pay more attention to that dynamic going forward...Thanks for sharing your perspective! LaBelleLL