I need some space from my husband - long

[leona2025]

I'm sorry for putting this here instead of the relationship forum, but I really need to vent and get advice. I've been wanting to post this for a while, but I've been holding it. My personality and temper are getting worse and worse. I need some space from my husband. I am tired of him and right now that feeling is clouding every decision I make about us. Some background: we are going through an adjustment of status right now and he can't legally work. Financially we are fine even though I just recently lost my job. I don't resent him not working. I resent the loss of my personal space.

This was an issue for me before I lost my job, so I am not projecting on to him. I know most wives love coming home and seeing their husband, but I never get a minute to myself because he is always here in the house. I use to rush to work just to get away and I don't have that escape anymore. Before I get in bed at night I say a quick prayer to God please don't let him try to touch me tonight and that is because I have cut myself off from him emotionally and I don't know how to fix that. When I hug him or kiss him I just feel empty. No feeling at all.


One problem is I have never been much for having friends. We been together for 6 years and for about 4 of those years I've had no other friend besides him. Even the job I had then was a desk job which didn't require talking to anyone. The job I recently loss I made a group of friends and we hang out maybe once a week or every other week. DH accused me of going buckwild with them and all we do is play board games and watch movies, things DH doesn't much wanna do, but he feels if he doesn't want to go then I shouldn't go too.


You all also need to know for the whole 6 years I have been a passive in our relationship. My mother and father fought so much in their marriage and I just wanted to go the complete opposite and I somehow went to the extreme and so everything I ever should have argued or discussed with him I didn't I just let him have his way.


Now a couple of years ago me and my husband agreed on the a curfew for staying out and that curfew was 2 am. The reason we agreed on this was because at the time he was hanging out with his friends until 3am and on. So recently he decided that that's just not proper for his wife although alright for him. He said he allowed it and those words right there set me off. Him treating me like I'm a child and he's the parent setting rules. I told him that. He then told me its ok to wake up at 6am and hang out all day to 10 pm, but he has a problem with me going out at 10pm and staying out until 2 am. All my friends work the night shift and they don't get off work until 10:50pm. Then he ended it with I'm just telling you how I feel, but you can do whatever you want.


I don't know how he's been doing all these months, but I am not one that can just sit in the house and watch tv all day. I have to get out and go somewhere and do something. I see that will become a problem for him too.


He agreed to keeping my sister's baby while me and her both worked, but the minute I stopped working he stopped looking after the baby and helping at all. I think he is trying to force me to have some maternal yearnings and it is pushing me further from that feeling. He told me you just better get use to it. I went crazy and start saying how I was tired of that ****. The baby being fussy and crying all the time. And him not helping.Why the hell would I ever have a baby if that's how it's gonna be. Me taking care of it all by myself.


I had told him I was going to lunch with a few of my friends and his first question was are you taking the baby with you? I asked him why he couldn't keep the baby for me to go to lunch and he had no answer and I took her with me anyway. I need a break and I don't know how to get it and I'm afraid once we take a break I won't want to come back. All my friends suggested counseling and working on it, but I don't even want to work on it now. I just want my space. I'm starting to regret ever getting married.


The sad thing is I look at him and I know in my heart that I love that man, but I just can't find that love. I know he a good man, but everything he does is driving me mad. I don't understand why I don't want to work on it.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

(((hugs))) Im glad you got this out. As I will be free in a matter of dayssssssssss. I know some of the issues you've written all too well.

 

[Mai Tai]

There is so much going on here, I truly don't know where to start. Why can't he legally work?

 

[arosieworld]

Oh Honey (((HUGS))) Things will get brighter. Do you think you could be depressed and your not wanting to try has to do with that?...There could be several things weighing down your mood, the season, you job loss, the lack of space perhaps, you could just get counseling for you and then later you might be more open to couples counseling. Vent all you want but don't be passive anymore or you'll only live the life he wants.

 

[Dak]

I think marriage counseling is a very good idea. You may end up separating, but don't you want to be able to say you honestly gave your marriage your best shot?

At the very least, you might learn how to communicate better. It sounds like you're already leading very separate lives.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

Why hasn't he worked and for how long?

Did you get married young? Are you both close in age?

did something happen that might have caused this chain reaction? from your post it seems like you've been holding alot in. When did this start?

Are you willing to see some situation from his side?

 

[leona2025]

I think marriage counseling is a very good idea. You may end up separating, but don't you want to be able to say you honestly gave your marriage your best shot?

At the very least, you might learn how to communicate better. It sounds like you're already leading very separate lives.

I don't want us to separate, I just feel like at this moment I can not work on it anymore.

 

[leona2025]

Why hasn't he worked and for how long? We are adjusting him from out of status to get a green card and he can't legally work until his paper work comes back and it's been more than a year.

Did you get married young? Are you both close in age? I am 28 and he is 29. We were married 2 years ago. I was not young age wise, in maturity I was. I lead a very sheltered life with my mother and I feel like I came right out from under her rules into another set of rules.

did something happen that might have caused this chain reaction? from your post it seems like you've been holding alot in. When did this start?

This started a while back. I know he was depressed about not having a job and he was taking it out on me. He picked at me for every little thing and made arguments and at that point I just kinda check out the marriage. I've been doing that so long I don't know how to get back to caring again. Then there were some issues with unfaithfulness on his part, but I forgave him or I thought I did.

Are you willing to see some situation from his side?

I am willing to see it from his side. But you know we both feel we are right.

 

[Netta1]

I don't mean to sound harsh sis at all so please forgive me in advance...

The first thing I would work on if I were you is your mind and how you view things. Negative thinking can get in the way of us achieving the type of life we want....a good book to read is "you can heal your life". The first person that needs to be evaluated in the marriage is onesself (because that is the only person we have control over). You need to really take the time to explore yourself and get to the root of "Your" problem first before you start to define/understand any "relationship problems" you are having with your mate. There could be other factors within you that perhaps you are not considering?

Maybe you are just unhappy and it has nothing to do with him? No one can really make you miserable unless you give them that power. Your best bet is to explore the root of your unhappiness first and uncover what you have allowed to come into your life through your emotions/thoughts from child hood till now.

While you are working on you and learning to really love and accept yourself that may change the way you view your husband and your situation.

In the end he is human and he is imperfect...I've heard men who want to take care of their household and can't feel like failures (which plays on their manhood big time).

In the end I say may the peace of Yah be with you and may your path be made clear...(hugs)

 

[Dak]

I don't want us to separate, I just feel like at this moment I can not work on it anymore.

Did I misunderstand your post?

I don't even want to work on it now. I just want my space. I'm starting to regret ever getting married.

To me, that sounded like you're contemplating separating.

Regarding counseling, maybe just one on one counseling to start. Find someone professional that can listen first to just you and help clear what's going on for you.

 

[leona2025]

Did I misunderstand your post?


To me, that sounded like you're contemplating separating.

Regarding counseling, maybe just one on one counseling to start. Find someone professional that can listen first to just you and help clear what's going on for you.

I didn't mean like a legal separation. I just meant some time away from him. Like a vacation alone, but I don't know that that would help.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

Take it from a woman who is currently separated and going through a divorce. I am thoroughly enjoying my space. I have time to reflect, there are no arguments, and I can make solid decisions without him glaring down my neck. I get lonely and miss him sometimes, but I know it isn't going to work. And trust me, counseling doesn't fix everything... you could end up wasting time and money. Not trying to sound negative, but give yourself the space that you need and decide from there how you want to address resolving or dissolving your marriage. It'll give you a chance to cool off, and it may just help you find the love you've lost for him. HTH.

 

[AstroQueen77]

^ Wow, when did that happen?

OP, I think you need to assert yourself more, since you did admit to being passive and letting him have his way. Is there any way where you can get some time to yourself? Maybe go back to your mama's house? I think once your adjustment of status is over and he heads to work, things will change. I don't this isnt a problem that can't be fixed- it just requires that you clearly define how you want to live together.

 

[wednesday]

I'm sorry for putting this here instead of the relationship forum, but I really need to vent and get advice. I've been wanting to post this for a while, but I've been holding it. My personality and temper are getting worse and worse. I need some space from my husband. I am tired of him and right now that feeling is clouding every decision I make about us. Some background: we are going through an adjustment of status right now and he can't legally work. Financially we are fine even though I just recently lost my job. I don't resent him not working. I resent the loss of my personal space.

This was an issue for me before I lost my job, so I am not projecting on to him. I know most wives love coming home and seeing their husband, but I never get a minute to myself because he is always here in the house. I use to rush to work just to get away and I don't have that escape anymore. Before I get in bed at night I say a quick prayer to God please don't let him try to touch me tonight and that is because I have cut myself off from him emotionally and I don't know how to fix that. When I hug him or kiss him I just feel empty. No feeling at all.


One problem is I have never been much for having friends. We been together for 6 years and for about 4 of those years I've had no other friend besides him. Even the job I had then was a desk job which didn't require talking to anyone. The job I recently loss I made a group of friends and we hang out maybe once a week or every other week. DH accused me of going buckwild with them and all we do is play board games and watch movies, things DH doesn't much wanna do, but he feels if he doesn't want to go then I shouldn't go too.


You all also need to know for the whole 6 years I have been a passive in our relationship. My mother and father fought so much in their marriage and I just wanted to go the complete opposite and I somehow went to the extreme and so everything I ever should have argued or discussed with him I didn't I just let him have his way.


Now a couple of years ago me and my husband agreed on the a curfew for staying out and that curfew was 2 am. The reason we agreed on this was because at the time he was hanging out with his friends until 3am and on. So recently he decided that that's just not proper for his wife although alright for him. He said he allowed it and those words right there set me off. Him treating me like I'm a child and he's the parent setting rules. I told him that. He then told me its ok to wake up at 6am and hang out all day to 10 pm, but he has a problem with me going out at 10pm and staying out until 2 am. All my friends work the night shift and they don't get off work until 10:50pm. Then he ended it with I'm just telling you how I feel, but you can do whatever you want.


I don't know how he's been doing all these months, but I am not one that can just sit in the house and watch tv all day. I have to get out and go somewhere and do something. I see that will become a problem for him too.


He agreed to keeping my sister's baby while me and her both worked, but the minute I stopped working he stopped looking after the baby and helping at all. I think he is trying to force me to have some maternal yearnings and it is pushing me further from that feeling. He told me you just better get use to it. I went crazy and start saying how I was tired of that ****. The baby being fussy and crying all the time. And him not helping.Why the hell would I ever have a baby if that's how it's gonna be. Me taking care of it all by myself.


I had told him I was going to lunch with a few of my friends and his first question was are you taking the baby with you? I asked him why he couldn't keep the baby for me to go to lunch and he had no answer and I took her with me anyway. I need a break and I don't know how to get it and I'm afraid once we take a break I won't want to come back. All my friends suggested counseling and working on it, but I don't even want to work on it now. I just want my space. I'm starting to regret ever getting married.


The sad thing is I look at him and I know in my heart that I love that man, but I just can't find that love. I know he a good man, but everything he does is driving me mad. I don't understand why I don't want to work on it.

Wow, i kinda feel this exact same way...

 

[wednesday]

Maybe you are suffering from depression?

 

[NikStarrr]

I understand you have some issues with your husband that may have always been there, but you also have to acknowledge the timing of when you became "fed up". I'm always a little skeptical when this happens with couples, I know--all of a sudden things become unbearable when hard times come, i.e. layoffs, money issues, etc. I definitely don't think now is the time to do anything hasty. Because you may regret somethings after the fact, after you both have gotten back to work and achieved a level of normalcy. Plus, it comes across as being a fair-weather-spouse, and that's not what marriage is about. Just try to weather out this storm, and once your financial and job situations get better and you STILL feel the same way, then make a decision on it and you can do so with sound mind. Good luck to you both.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[naijamerican]

I am not married but did want to point something out that I'm surprised no one has really addressed: you said that there were issues of unfaithfulness on his part that you thought you had resolved? Perhaps that, and the feelings that unfaithfulness engenders, is playing a bigger role than you may even realize? I am not going to advise you on any aspect of your marriage but I wanted to suggest that perhaps searching your heart on this issue might help.

I truly hope for the best for you and your DH. I am sorry to hear that you're experiencing this, but I'm glad that you are able to articulate your feelings and get the support you need. I'm sure others with more experience will continue to weigh in and help you.

 

[WhoIAm]

There's so much going on. You need to deal with each issue one by one otherwise you'll become overwhelmed (which you are now).

- Take a weeks mini-vacation away from him to clear your thoughts. You may not last 3 days after you start missing him.
- Journal your feelings, you may gain some clarity about some other issues you are unaware of.
- Make a pro/con list for staying with him and one for leaving.

Just don't make any rash decisions.

 

[caltron]

I think most women have a tendency to give and give and give in relationships to the point where we ignore our own needs. Over time, this leads us to become resentful, and it sounds like this is what has happened with you. Most men, even the good ones, are more than happy to take everything you give them and are hard wired to make sure their needs are met. I think as women we have to make sure that we look out for our own needs and be more vocal when those needs aren't met instead of letting those feelings fester. A good man will do what he needs to do to make sure he's happy, but most of us need the woman to tell him what is needed from him. I also think as women we expect our men to know exactly what to do for us without us having to ask, just like we do for our men, but we have to realize that they just aren't wired the same way as we are.

As for the infidelity, I think that is another example of where you may have had unresolved anger, but you kept it inside for what you thought was the good of the relationship. The fact that he has a double standard about him hanging out as late as he wants and you having to be in by a certain time has got to be eating at you too if you are honest with yourself. I don't know your husband so I'm not going to make any judgments about him either way.

I think if your relationship is going to survive, you are going to have learn to communicate your needs to your husband and he is going to have to make sure enough of your needs are met. It's going to be a long hard road, because it seems to me that you have been holding so much stuff inside that when it comes out you are going to explode and he's not going to understand why you are so upset all of a sudden. It sounds like he thinks things are just peachy between the two of you and doesn't realize the extent of how mad you are

I think the vacation is a good idea. I would use that time to think of the things that you need from him and how you would like things to be from now on. If you don't like him hanging out until 3, then say so. If you're still upset and distrustful because of his past infidelity, don't cover it up. I think you have tried to see things from his perspective too much and now it's time to focus on you. Yeah there are always two sides to every story but in your situation things have been lopsided for so long that your side of it has gotten lost in the shuffle. Counselling would also be great even if you don't feel into it right now.

 

[phynestone]

I know I am not married and therefore not qualified to give you advice, but I see several things that are wrong here and they started a long time ago.

A marriage is about compromise, not one spouse always getting their way. I think he was used to you always acquiesing (sp) to his demands and is now upset that you are starting to have a life outside of him. You said he was your only friend and you two always did things together, right? You made friends at work, other friends besides him and you were the only one supporting the two of you for a while, has probably made him feel threatened by some of your independence.

The baby thing....I don't like how he is trying to force a child on you. However, it is natural for some parents (especially if there the ones staying at home with a child and not getting out) to want to get out of the home from time to time. I'm worried that he may purposely try to impregnate you at this time because of those paternal longings.

I think he may have a problem with the stereotypical gender role-reversal in your relationship and is trying to assert his manliness in any way he can. I understand the whole immigration thing, but why can't he do some off-the-books work like construction, working in some restaurants, yard work, etc.? I knew of plenty of folks who did the same.

The unfaithfulness and the green card thing is a huge red flag to me. I think the way this was handled has set a precedence, and he feels that he can do anything now.

I won't tell you how to handle this, but if I were in your shoes.... He doesn't have papers, you were the only one financially supporting the two of you for a while and he cheated on you? No ma'am.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Heres a big ole

Ive been where you are. Im still not all the way gone from this situation, except replace your DH with a house fill of children. Im still trying to work out my issues but I just wanted you let you know I understand.

 

[sunnieb]

Wow. So many things going on here that I don't know where to begin.

DH and I have been together over 20 years and married for 16. I understand so much of what you are going through. Like someone else said, be assertive and tell your husband what you want/need. I know that as wives we don't want to "rock the boat" too much, but sometimes you need to rock that sucker 'til it almost turns over. I don't think you are trying to go buckwild out there, but you are entitled to time with your friends. The same for your husband. Just because he doesn't see his friends like he used to, shouldn't change how often you see your friends.

The ladies have given some great advice. I would also like to add that maybe it's time for someone else to watch your sister's baby, even if it's temporarily. You need time to get your thoughts together.

Check back in this thread and let us know how you are doing.

 

[leona2025]

Thank you ladies. You all offered me some wonderful advice and you listened to me vent which means so much. Some people don't understand why it is that I can reveal these feelings to strangers, but not my love ones. The thing is me and DH can make up, but friends and family will still remember. This is actually the second time in our relationship that this type of thing has happened, but the first time was not as bad. Each time it was after he lost his job. I know this has a lot to do with his pride and the fact that he isn't working. He has expressed this to me before. So I worked through it with him and when he got the job his attitude was much better, but it went hand and hand with the infidelity.

Now I want to say I have never actually caught him in the act of cheating. But I have found text messages and naked pictures of women from his job in his phone. There were times when he was supposed to have been hanging with male friends and he was clubbing with females from work. Just recently one of my friends called me because she saw him one morning at her college cafeteria having lunch with 2 girls. This alone is not a issue, but the fact that he didn't tell me and became upset when I asked him about makes me feel something was inappropriate about it.

But yes I kept quiet about all these things and shouldn't have. It use to be that it hurt me so bad to find out something like this was happening that I couldn't even talk to him about because in my mind it would make it be real. I could catch him clearly in a lie and he wouldn't even have to say much to make me think that I was tripping and being overly suspicious because that was what I wanted to believe. I am not naive. I've lived with him for 6 years and I KNOW when he not acting the same.

With the unfaithfulness we can talk about it until we're blue in the face and I can say I forgive, but I can't make those feelings disappear. I was so full of distrust and every time he left I was suspicious. Notice I said WAS. See I realized that there's a problem because now when he leaves I no longer care where he's going and what he's doing. This is because I have detached emotionally.

I have stuck with this man through a lot. Probably somethings that happened in the beginning that should have made me let him go and I didn't. The month before we got married I was going to leave him. Marriage was only a band-aid for the problems we were having then. I can't be hasty about this. I've been in this situation feeling this way for the better part of a year. Just writing all this out is therapeutic.

When his papers go through he is going to Kenya for a month because he hasn't seen his family since he was 17. That will be the time - the space that I need to reevaluate what's going on. I'm just trying to make it to that month.

 

[leona2025]

Also I know that if I go to him right now and tried my love and feeling are there, but I'm holding it back for something. I feel like I am waiting for something and I don't know what it is that I am waiting for.

 

[ThickHair]

Girl, holding all of that back would make my hair fall out.

There are so many things going on. I think the major one for him is that you have changed and it is not sitting right with him.

The infidelity thing is major, you have woman's intuition and you know the deal even though you don't want to believe it.

If he has a green card and it hasn't expired then he can work. So I don't understand where you are coming from about him not being able to work and issues with his green card. If he is waiting for his naturalization to come through then his green card should still be valid.

 

[leona2025]

Girl, holding all of that back would make my hair fall out.

There are so many things going on. I think the major one for him is that you have changed and it is not sitting right with him.

The infidelity thing is major, you have woman's intuition and you know the deal even though you don't want to believe it.

If he has a green card and it hasn't expired then he can work. So I don't understand where you are coming from about him not being able to work and issues with his green card. If he is waiting for his naturalization to come through then his green card should still be valid.

He doesn't have the green card. We are adjusting now. I think it should just be about another month or so. His student visa was conditional and he could only work as long as he was in school, but it expired.

 

[ThickHair]

He doesn't have the green card. We are adjusting now. I think it should just be about another month or so. His student visa was conditional and he could only work as long as he was in school, but it expired.

Oh, I got it F1 or something similar. That is tough. In my head the work situation would take a back seat to the infidelity.

Good luck sis.

 

[glam-]

Wow, that's a lot going on. I totally sympathize.

You have a lot to think about, and I agree that you probably need some space for you (to think clearly, just breathe, etc.) I'm sending you a big hug and the best of luck.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

i'd be tryna expedite those papers n get him packin and be on da first thing smokin to da airport with him in tow. dayum dat. i'd be callin erry tawkin bout some..."when are those papers due" matta fact, i wouldn't be callin. i'd be in my car headed downtown in someone's face....wassup wif dem papers yall.....

i understand about wanting space from a spouse. sometimes u wanna just lay around da house but nekkit, sit on da toilet wif da door open, let one out erry now n then without sayin scuse me.

ur a patient woman. i couldn't do it. my moody impatient azzz? nawww...he'd been gone long time ago. i would ran him out like raid to roaches....

 

[afrochique]

He doesn't have the green card. We are adjusting now. I think it should just be about another month or so. His student visa was conditional and he could only work as long as he was in school, but it expired.

I am not sure if this is how it currently works, but:
How long ago did you file for the adjustment of status? Did he fill out a form for employment authorization?
If you have filed for adjustment and are not completely sure that the process will be done in 1-2 mths, he can request employment authorization. He will then receive a work permit which will enable him to find employment while waiting on the decision to grant a green card.