I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relationship?

[Mimi22]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Mimi there is nothing wrong with you.

We need to stop placing blame on women when it's the actions of a man who cause a situation to get out of control. If she stops dealing with theses guys after they become overly sexual, then she is obviously not welcoming it or accepting these crass "compliments" as self-esteem boosters.

Some of these males are too forward, tactless, raunchy, and completely foul. Maybe it's regional, maybe it's related to socio-economic level, but one thing for sure
respect seems to be lost among people in my generation (Y) for whatever reason. I see this in some older males as, well, but with younger males it seems to be much worse.

I agree

 

[Mimi22]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Like someone said, they could have a nurse fetish.
But in your case they could think because you're a microbiologist (that's so cool!!!!) that you're into all kinds of weird stuff? *sigh* Men.
Anyway, they could also assume because you're smart (read: nerdy or something) that you don't meet a lot of men so they think you'll give "it" out readily.
I don't know why they'd think you're so desperate. I don't think you are.
Maybe you should try another type of guy? That might be it. *shrugs* I'm sorry you have this problem!!! Keep holding out and a better guy will show!

thank ya
had a good day today actually; I got a real rare Salmonella species to grow! And an E. coli 0157! Bad for the patient, but good for me?

But as for the guy, he's out! And I'm keeping my dating options open. Hopefully the next hospital-based guy (or any guy) I meet wont be as explicit !

 

[LiberianGirl]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Mimi there is nothing wrong with you.

We need to stop placing blame on women when it's the actions of a man who cause a situation to get out of control. If she stops dealing with theses guys after they become overly sexual, then she is obviously not welcoming it or accepting these crass "compliments" as self-esteem boosters.

Some of these males are too forward, tactless, raunchy, and completely foul. Maybe it's regional, maybe it's related to socio-economic level, but one thing for sure
respect seems to be lost among people in my generation (Y) for whatever reason. I see this in some older males as, well, but with younger males it seems to be much worse.

Good post. It's a shame that you can't have a decent conversation with a GROWN man without it being assumed that you are the problem.

 

[v2.0]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Good post. It's a shame that you can't have a decent conversation with a GROWN man without it being assumed that you are the problem.

I'm just going to say that some women were taught to think that- by their family or by society, that women are always the "culprit" or the ones who need to be fixed. Your man is cheating on you- well, what are you not doing? A man raped you- well, what were you wearing? A man said something demeaning to you- well, were you wearing revealing clothing? We can't take the blame for everything, ladies.

 

[tocktick]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Mimi there is nothing wrong with you.

We need to stop placing blame on women when it's the actions of a man who cause a situation to get out of control. If she stops dealing with theses guys after they become overly sexual, then she is obviously not welcoming it or accepting these crass "compliments" as self-esteem boosters.

Some of these males are too forward, tactless, raunchy, and completely foul. Maybe it's regional, maybe it's related to socio-economic level, but one thing for sure
respect seems to be lost among people in my generation (Y) for whatever reason. I see this in some older males as, well, but with younger males it seems to be much worse.

The bold is very true. Personally speaking, I know first hand that dealing with a guy of my age can be problematic because my own views on dating clashes with their own. Whilst there is nothing inherently wrong with myself or OP, I do think there are things one can do in order to avoid guys like this.

If was a really frequent occurrence for me instead of thinking, "ok nothing can be done though" and resigning myself to such nonsense, I would switch up where I went and how I dealt with guys etc. It's not about changing who I am or placing all the blame on myself but altering how I meet and deal with guys. I agree that men need to take responsibility for their actions and not all the blame should be placed on us. Not many women ask to be spoken to in this manner or even do things that suggest they want to be. However, if there are things that a person can do in order to avoid some thing they don't like and it doesn't compromise who they are or their dignity, I don't see the harm in at least trying it and seeing if it leads to different results.

 

[imaccami]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

I'm not writing this to blame the OP because we've all been in those situations where a man was just rude and so out of line for no reason at all.

But, one thing I've learned is that the nicer I look, the less I have to deal with idiots. There was a thread yesterday about wearing slippers in public and one of the MANY reasons I would never do that is because I don't want the homeless dude hanging out in front of the store, or the dudes with the rims on their car and gold teeth, or the guy that reeks of cigarettes and alcohol even though it's 5:30 in the evening to hit on me. A nice, casual outfit, that's current but not outlandish nips a lot of that in the bud. (I don't mean to imply that the OP didn't look nice!! I just reread it and it came across that way...I'm definitely not saying that!)

It evens works for normal men who should know better. I've noticed that the nicer I looked when I first met a guy, the more respectfully he treats me for the rest of the time I know him.

I've just found that everyone, even women, treat me with more respect and are more willing to go out their way for me when I'm dressed nicely. I'm not saying that I never leave the house unless I'm in a ball gown, I just mean that if I'm running errands then I'm in cute, casual clothes. Not saying that it works 100% of the time, but it's pretty darn close.

To be honest, this is the real reason that I never wear protective styles. Something about a bun makes a man who has absolutely no chance go completely bold. I've even done an experiment wearing the exact same outfit with my hair in a bun and with my hair down. The difference is night and day.

 

[Everything Zen]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

I've just found that everyone, even women, treat me with more respect and are more willing to go out their way for me when I'm dressed nicely. I'm not saying that I never leave the house unless I'm in a ball gown, I just mean that if I'm running errands then I'm in cute, casual clothes. Not saying that it works 100% of the time, but it's pretty darn close.

To be honest, this is the real reason that I never wear protective styles. Something about a bun makes a man who has absolutely no chance go completely bold. I've even done an experiment wearing the exact same outfit with my hair in a bun and with my hair down. The difference is night and day.

Well I don't know where you meet these guys but the ones I meet go completely bold when I wear my contacts and straight hair. As soon as I strolled into the same library I've been studying at all year one time without glasses and my protective style- the raggedy a$$ security guard walked over and lied to get my phone number. I am invisible to everyone except my SO when I go around looking like a 17 year old school nerd.

 

[imaccami]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

^^^ What do you mean, that you get hit on when you're not wearing cute clothes but ignored when you're do. That's kind of what I meant. I get left alone by the guys that I wish would leave me alone when I'm more dressed up...and hit on by them when I'm in whatever.

ETA:
Oh, I see what you mean...I dunno why you do get hit on and I don't, guys are weird. That's just my experience.

 

[MissNina]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

There is nothing flattering about this but to put this into a simple perspective.....men ALWAYS think about sex when talking to women and even when not talking to women. This one was just more vocal about it and for some reason thought that you would think it was cute, flattering and would turn you on. I know they are so stupid right?

The way you dress may have a part BUT if you don't walk around with all your goodies hanging out, men will still fantasize about what is under there.

Quick point....my best friend who is muslim and wore hijabs was told flat out by a man that he knew that she had a "booty under that sheet"

I completely agree with this

And OMG, I can't believe that guy said that to your bff That's soooo disrespectful. . .but I woulda been rolling! She prob was.

Anyway, OP, I think these guys you came across are just reeeeeal bold. I don't think there's necessarily anything you did or you're doing to cause it, but I do think you need to check your vibe.

Maybe you're just a naturally friendly person. . .and that's a GREAT quality! But I've learned that I can't be as friendly (as I am in general) to most guys that try to talk to me b/c, generally, a lot of them have a tendency to take that and run with it. I've seen even "good guys" run with it. I mean it is kind of effed up it's gotta be like that sometimes just cause I am usually like really fun, smiley and stuff. . .but some men you have to be more nonchalant about or serious with. And, 9 times out of 10, the guys that are REALLY interested will still try to holla anyway and will know from your initial demeanor that you are not the one for the BS. But since you say it's only been 4 guys out of I'm sure an extensive dating history. . .maybe it's something in the water and it'll pass soon

I personally feel, no matter how long they've been talking/dating, that a man should always wait for a woman to initiate the sex convo if they're not exclusive, but that's just me.

 

[Carolina18]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Maybe you're just a naturally friendly person. . .and that's a GREAT quality! But I've learned that I can't be as friendly (as I am in general) to most guys that try to talk to me b/c, generally, a lot of them have a tendency to take that and run with it. I've seen even "good guys" run with it. I mean it is kind of effed up it's gotta be like that sometimes just cause I am usually like really fun, smiley and stuff. . .but some men you have to be more nonchalant about or serious with. And, 9 times out of 10, the guys that are REALLY interested will still try to holla anyway and will know from your initial demeanor that you are not the one for the BS. But since you say it's only been 4 guys out of I'm sure an extensive dating history. . .maybe it's something in the water and it'll pass soon

I second this, and have noticed this as more of a trend in the West then anywhere else. Just being 'nice' i.e. smiling, greeting back, etc. is interpreted as showing interest, and guys will fall over themselves telling you how nice you are and not stuck up like the 'other girls'. Now I see why the 'others' walk around with a scowl on their faces... just looking in a guy's direction is interpreted as an expression of interest.

 

[Everything Zen]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Also the one thing that has been bothering me since I read the title of this thread OP what makes you think that you should be grateful because a man wants to have sex with you? It sounds like you think that is some holy grail of determining your worth (at least I'm worthy enough to be #^!#$%) A man would get it on with a warm bagel if it came down to it. A vagina is a vagina is a vagina is a vagina... I am not grateful to be put in a possibly life altering predicament by being exposed to just any dude's sperm and bodily fluids.

 

[Highly Favored8]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

I have the same problem. Do you have T&A? Or baby-making hips?

I don't like. I mean sometimes I like the attention but at the same time it hurts your self-esteem.

I have tried different outfits from professional to casual. I get hit on regardless. I even got hit on when I was wearing my "Nicky Grant" from Big Love outfit complete with braid.

I get the bolded a lot.

 

[AceH]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Sometimes I don't think it has anything to do with the way we dress. I think it moreso has to do with the man.
I BY NO MEANS dress in a "sexual" way. There are times when I'm more dressed up than others, but I'm not "oozing" sex. LOL.

However, men will approach me (and many other women) the same way. I honestly think it has to do with the way a lot of men are today. I think that so many men are able to get it from women by talking to them in that way, that they don't know when to quit. Because so many women give it up like that, they think every woman gives it up like that.

Don't be so quick to think that it's you and not them.

She hit the nail on the head.

1. Women need to stop responding to this crap (never going to happen - everybody's different).

2. Since #1's never going to happen, men need to learn that each woman is different and they CANNOT approach us all the same way.

(Aside from #2, If I were single, I wouldn't want a man who would fix his lips to say demeaning/objectifying things to a woman anyway)

 

[MissNina]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

Also the one thing that has been bothering me since I read the title of this thread OP what makes you think that you should be grateful because a man wants to have sex with you? It sounds like you think that is some holy grail of determining your worth (at least I'm worthy enough to be #^!#$%) A man would get it on with a warm bagel if it came down to it. A vagina is a vagina is a vagina is a vagina... I am not grateful to be put in a possibly life altering predicament by being exposed to just any dude's sperm and bodily fluids.

Oh gosh, if it could fit that through there that would explain why he had to use a bagel to begin with. Sorry erplexed

 

[Everything Zen]

Re: I know I should be flattered but- Why do I get offered sex instead of a relations

^^^^^ Maybe he uses cream cheese as a lube...?