I jumped in too fast! Red-flags everywhere...

Kkinds

Kkinds

Member
So, since my current boyfriend has been back home it's been some good and bad. He's only been back a week and a half and we've already had 3 "disagreements". There have been a few red-flags I'm my book, but I don't think he has bad intentions. I told him yesterday "Maybe you need some time to sort things out before we move further" and he said he doesn't believe in "breaks"...that we're in a relationship and we work through problems together. Yeah I know that much, but I shouldn't have to come into to this telling you how to be in a relationship and fighting certain battles. For example, do y'all remover my previous post about the so called "friend" girl of his whose father died? Well, there was more to that story that he did not tell me! Yesterday when I met his son and little brother for the first time we were having a great time. My bf got out the car and in the store to get us something to drink and gas up the car. While he was gone the son called me the other girl's name(We have a very similar name) !! I didn't realize it a first because he's 4 and I really didn't what he was saying. So, the brother told the little boy her name is not *blank* it's *blank* I was shocked! When he got back in the car I told him what happened and he said we'll talk at the restaurant. I was so upset, but kept cool because kids were around. When the kids played in the arcade at the Resturant I asked...so what's this situation with the girl? You told me y'all were friends, but she sounds like an ex! How do they know her. He goes on to tell me that when he left for military duty the first time she dropped him off at the airport and met his parents by default. His cousin introduced them and she knew some of his family already. His mom keeps his son while he's gone (he's a single dad) and she was around sometimes hanging out with his cousin. I ask him why would he tell me she's just a "friend" when clearly it's more than that. He says we were just friends...I made it clear that I didn't want to be in a relationship and she was fine with a friendship and tried to work her way up with my family. Since he's been back he's been with me and she has called him several times. He told her he was with his gf and she went off talking about "I thought you said you didn't want a relationship/wasn't ready. Then, come to find out she began a relationship with his mom....when he tells her he's with me or doing something with me she has no comment. His mom texted him saying "don't forget who was there for you when you had nothing" so now I'm not comfortable with meeting his mom. He tried to force me to his house because he wants me to meet her, but I refuse because if she's already in favor of this girl then she's going to find reasons not to like me. He keeps asking "what can I do to make this right and prove to you that I'm here for good" but honestly there's nothing I can think of. I was sick today and he tried to come over and bring me food and check on me, but I told him not to come. I'm really upset over this. This is not the only reg-flag either...he doesn't know how to be a bf and I tell him what he's supposed to do...when I tell him he listens and straightens up, but dang dude. You're 28 and I'm wondering how you acted in your past relationship. He's trying really hard, but i can't get over some of this crap. I don't feel welcomed in his family and don't won't to meet them at this point. I'm not sure if I should break this off or give him an chance to fix things like he's trying.
 
Hm...this is complicated. This friend sounds sneaky and conniving. I'm not sure things will work out in your favor.What is your gut telling you? I would go with that.
 
kimpaur said:
Hm...this is complicated. This friend sounds sneaky and conniving. I'm not sure things will work out in your favor.What is your gut telling you? I would go with that.
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I'm having mixed feelings. My gut is telling me to give him a couple weeks to prove hisself and if he doesn't break it off.
 
It kinda sounds like he had a fwb type situation with the friend or like a relationship without the title and when she tried to define their situation he told her he wasn't looking for a gf rn. And she probably thought getting In with mom and son would help cement her place in his life. Idk messy
 
This situation is too messy. Compounded by the fact that he is a newbie in the military with a kid, is away all the time, and has the family gunning for him to be with an old flame.

What are the pros?
 
Well, if your gut is saying give it chance, give it one LAST chance.Hold to those standards and don't approach the relationship out of fear of being a single friend ( I read the other thread). Is he really worth all this trouble? Truly ask yourself this because this situation sounds VERY taxing. You have a choice. Forget what your coworkers/friends say because they don't have to live with your choices.
Also, if he doesn't already know, I think you should make it very clear to him your expectations and how this behavior of this friend is unacceptable and he needs to do something to rectify the situation
 
Mortons said:
This situation is too messy. Compounded by the fact that he is a newbie in the military with a kid, is away all the time, and has the family gunning for him to be with an old flame. What are the pros?
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There are a lot of pros of our relationship...it just seems like I post about the bad. He has everything I want in a man...career(he's an engineer aside from the military), family oriented because we have the same beliefs on parenting(I have a daughter too, but he hasn't met her yet), stability, we're very compatible. We talk for hours and laugh uncontrollably about everything, he does little things to brighten my day such as sending me random flowers/chocolate, does whatever I ask him to like wash my car, help decorate my classroom...he's attentive, attractive, protective of me, super smart, I can confide in him about things in my life, gives great advice, takes me on dates all the time, when he's gone fly me to visit him when he can't come home....there's just the baggage and this messy situation that I can't let go of. I'm really torn.
 
My 2 cents...

She is one of the largest red flags that exist.

As a previous poster stated, she was something more to him than friends, it just wasnt what he wanted at the time. But you best believe she will remain. And she will pounce when theres and opening, when she sees a crack, a pinhole she will pick up where you leave off and continue to try. You just never know when or if he'll break.

Its a gamble to fall for a man in this situation, you should save yourself. Once in love its a lot harder to walk away.
 
He is making her the villain when she could in fact not necessarily be. I would take what he said about her with a grain of salt given there wasn't full disclosure about their relationship in the first place. I still feel as though he isn't saying anything. Go ahead and meet his family, in their haste to have him with her, they may spill more beans. Follow your intuition.

What stood out to me the most is that his 4 y/o son called you her name. Maybe it's not because he names are close, but because of your relationship with his father. Maybe that "family outing" has occurred a couple times before and the woman in the picture wasn't you.
 
That was not his "friend" they had a relationship ...(maybe not official l, but sex and dating was involved) ..and he was leading her on and dropped her when something he felt was better came along (you)..


28 is still young for a guy, so it's no surprise he isn't in tune with knowing how to meet your needs just yet...
 
Flawed2Perfection said:
"I thought you said you didn't want a relationship/wasn't ready.
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That's exactly what I thought it was in the other thread.

Not even a thirsty woman will ask a man out 10x if she had been shut down properly. Saying you're not ready for a relationship isnt the same as shutting someone down "it's never going to happen between us".
 
Ok first (sigh)...You really need to break that big wall of text into paragraphs. That was very hard to read.

Second, I am torn on your situation because men and women are not born relationship experts. Sometimes you have to teach your SO how to treat you. A healthy relationship is a marathon and there are going to be valuable learning opportunities everywhere even with a good man. So stop expecting him to just KNOW how to treat you HOWEVER, on the flip side of things, I find it alarming that he has taken a passive role in getting this woman that he clearly has a history with out of his life.

If he truly is done with this other woman and wants to make things work with you, he needs to be strong in erasing her from his life. He needs to change his number and stop using her. Second, he needs to ask his mother to stop putting her nose in his relationships. He is a grown man and as his mother, she needs to respect that, respect you, and take a back seat.
 
The thing that stands out to me is that he said to her in front of you that he is with his gf. Also you overheard her I thought you didn't want a relationship. If he wasn't on the up and up he wouldn't have answered around you or walked away to talk.

He may be like most men and can't really shut down a girl unless she has done something bad to them. Most men will fade to black and hope the girl gets the message and stop calling.
 
nlamr2013 said:
It kinda sounds like he had a fwb type situation with the friend or like a relationship without the title and when she tried to define their situation he told her he wasn't looking for a gf rn. And she probably thought getting In with mom and son would help cement her place in his life. Idk messy
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This is what it sounds like. It's unfortunate that you haven't even met his family yet but feel uncomfortable based off of a woman that is just a friend. I say go with your gut. It really seems like too much is going on for it to be a new relationship. I think it's crazy that she went off when he said that he was with his girlfriend. He is withholding information about their "friendship".
 
Girl save yourself because if he was truly looking out for you and cared he would have closed that little paragraph of his life, you would not have to be dealing with this mess.
 
Well, there was more to that story that he did not tell me!

I distinctly remember people trying to tell you this in the first thread.

You know what you need to do, you just have to find the strength to do it. That's all I got.
 
Hmm I don't think you should dump him just yet.

Honestly here's what I think happened:
He had a fwb, pseudo relationship, etc with the girl. He probably told her the whole while that he didn't want a relationship, wasn't ready yada yada. The same spiel we hear men say when they don't feel you are the right one bla blah. But the friend girl probably took it upon herself to continue doing things for him and maybe thought she could "earn" or "win" her place as girlfriend. Especially if he continued to accept her gestures, money, etc. She was the girl he was seeing but not seeing. She invested time and energy into it. Hence why she is behaving in hurt and anger. He hurt her, but in a way she should have listened to him.

Then he met you, saw what he wanted, and chose the woman he wanted exclusivity with.

I think he doesn't want to hurt her because she was kind to him etc. Yet he genuinely didnt see anything with her and didnt feel like she was someone he wanted to be his gf.

The problem with all of this is that he isn't being upfront with you on what really went down. Everybody has a past....He just isn't being truthful about his. Tell him he needs to be more transparent with you in order for you to continue in the relationship and to work through problems together.

The other problem is that, like someone upthread suggested, he needs to be FIRM. He needs to have a brief conversation with her to say what he needs to say, and put some closure to the sutuation so the girl can move on. I don't think he has adequately done that, which is why all this is happening now.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
Ditto to all of this. Investigate a bit more.
I'm guessing she was the FWB who wanted more.

foxxymami said:
Hmm I don't think you should dump him just yet.

Honestly here's what I think happened:
He had a fwb, pseudo relationship, etc with the girl. He probably told her the whole while that he didn't want a relationship, wasn't ready yada yada. The same spiel we hear men say when they don't feel you are the right one bla blah. But the friend girl probably took it upon herself to continue doing things for him and maybe thought she could "earn" or "win" her place as girlfriend. Especially if he continued to accept her gestures, money, etc. She was the girl he was seeing but not seeing. She invested time and energy into it. Hence why she is behaving in hurt and anger. He hurt her, but in a way she should have listened to him.

Then he met you, saw what he wanted, and chose the woman he wanted exclusivity with.

I think he doesn't want to hurt her because she was kind to him etc. Yet he genuinely didnt see anything with her and didnt feel like she was someone he wanted to be his gf.

The problem with all of this is that he isn't being upfront with you on what really went down. Everybody has a past....He just isn't being truthful about his. Tell him he needs to be more transparent with you in order for you to continue in the relationship and to work through problems together.

The other problem is that, like someone upthread suggested, he needs to be FIRM. He needs to have a brief conversation with her to say what he needs to say, and put some closure to the sutuation so the girl can move on. I don't think he has adequately done that, which is why all this is happening now.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
Click to expand...
 
Of course there was more to the story. Honestly. Do you need to know every detail about his past? It just serves to make you paranoid. From what I can tell he seems like he's trying to do what he can to avoid hurting you. So he's keeping what he thinks will hurt you to himself. But it's only pissing you off more. Have a frank discussion with him. Tell him what you need in order for this to work; it seems like he's asking you for that anyway. Shorty has to go. Ok she looked out. Thanks girl. You can take over from here. I wouldn't fault him for that situation either. It's not like you were there when it was going down. He had a life before you. It's just past time that chapter was closed. He probably doesn't want to look bad by cutting her off but he has to.
 
I third not breaking up with him just yet. Don't let this girl break you up, or his family. Decide by his actions...which do say something more went down with them. Maybe it's nothing to him,but you deserve to know. Ask him again, give him the facts you gave us. And once again, keep your ears to the ground and eyes wide open.
 
Kkinds said:
There are a lot of pros of our relationship...it just seems like I post about the bad. He has everything I want in a man...career(he's an engineer aside from the military), family oriented because we have the same beliefs on parenting(I have a daughter too, but he hasn't met her yet), stability, we're very compatible. We talk for hours and laugh uncontrollably about everything, he does little things to brighten my day such as sending me random flowers/chocolate, does whatever I ask him to like wash my car, help decorate my classroom...he's attentive, attractive, protective of me, super smart, I can confide in him about things in my life, gives great advice, takes me on dates all the time, when he's gone fly me to visit him when he can't come home....there's just the baggage and this messy situation that I can't let go of. I'm really torn.
Click to expand...
If he does all of that then how does he not know how to be a boyfriend? I agree with the other ladies that she sounds like a former (FORMER) FWB but he is seems to not be doing anything and honestly it sound like you are allowing your insecurities to get the better of you. He wants to bring you around his mom despite how she feels about the FWB chick who really weaseled her way into her favor. He may not have divulged the full story because not only is it complicated but she really is NOTHING to him, it doesn't matter what the FWB sees him as, as long as he is not feeding into it. I would meet his mother and just let your personality shine.
 
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