I had to cut it off w/him..... *sigh*

[Crystalicequeen123]

Well, I had to do it. I had to cut it off w/this guy friend yesterday. I've known him for about 8 years (at least) and recently he expressed interest in me about a month ago, and stated that he wanted to get to know me better.

So, I was cool w/us getting to know each other better in a "romantic" sense.

HOWEVER, I never had an "easy" feeling w/his past or his history, and that bothered me. I'm looking for a man who will eventually be a man I would want to marry, not some guy I can just "kick it" with. I've done the whole "hanging out"/"kicking it" type thing w/guys and I've been played before. I'm through w/the games.

Unfortunately, even though he was saying and DOING all the right things to me, and viewed me as a "queen", he didn't have ALL the qualities that I was looking for. And I didn't feel like stringing him along, or letting him get more and more attached to me. He's not as God-fearing as I would a boyfriend and potential marriage mate to be, he had a negative view of some things, past history of depression and anger (even though he's changed a lot), AND...the biggest factor was that I WAS NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM!!! He wasn't SUPER-ugly, but I just couldn't even imagine him kissing me. I mean, I already knew him for 8 years and never felt ANY attraction to him whatsoever. But I figured that since he had changed and seemed romantically interested in me, I would give him a chance. That didn't work and although I came to like him as a person, my physical attraction in him did not grow and I didn't foresee it growing in that way either. I just always felt like I was settling.

Unfortunately, I Just couldn't force myself to like him in that way. I feel bad, but I had to tell him last night that I wanted to break things off. I really think he needs to focus more on HIS life and getting his life in order first. *sigh* Idk what will happen in the future, and I feel kind of bad (I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings), but ultimately I think I made the right decision.

Have any of you ladies ever had to cut things off w/a guy? A NICE guy who's doing alllll the right things? Saying all the right things? I mean, should I have given him longer time?

 

[LunadeMiel]

Have any of you ladies ever had to cut things off w/a guy? Yes
A NICE guy who's doing alllll the right things? Sure did. I don't regret it at all. I don't believe in staying with someone just because he's 'nice"
Saying all the right things? I mean, should I have given him longer time? I think you did the right thing.

 

[brownelovely]

You did the right thing. I've had to cut someone off before and though I felt bad...it was the best thing to do.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

soooo.....i'm just wondering.. when u say getting to know him in a "romantic" sense... does dat mean u gave him some "mercy puddi"...some "I feel sorry for u cuz u ugly, so lemme give you some puddi"?

dayum dat...i can't phuck an ugly man. not even in the dark. das messed up...can't go around phuckin ugly folks...lawd ha merci...and puleez don't start havin chirren by ugly folx....das why i told yall....gotta start lookin at the family albums of these potential mates to see what grandma, aunt 'retha n uncle pookie n dem look like, cuz chances are dem chirren might be scarred for life...i'm just sayin. da man has to be at least easy on da eye....like i shouldn't have to squint to look atchu....

but on a serious note, you did the right thing. however, i wouldn't have given him a chance to begin with. hell, if he dat ugly, u shouldn't feel bad at all. child, u should be thankful....

but i gotta question...so suppose he got himself togetha, financially had it goin on, became a Christian, etc. Would you still look past the ugliness and date him?

 

[Raspberry]

soooo.....i'm just wondering.. when u say getting to know him in a "romantic" sense... does dat mean u gave him some "mercy puddi"...some "I feel sorry for u cuz u ugly, so lemme give you some puddi"?

dayum dat...i can't phuck an ugly man. not even in the dark. das messed up...can't go around phuckin ugly folks...lawd ha merci...and puleez don't start havin chirren by ugly folx....das why i told yall....gotta start lookin at the family albums of these potential mates to see what grandma, aunt 'retha n uncle pookie n dem look like, cuz chances are dem chirren might be scarred for life...i'm just sayin. da man has to be at least easy on da eye....like i shouldn't have to squint to look atchu....

but on a serious note, you did the right thing. however, i wouldn't have given him a chance to begin with. hell, if he dat ugly, u shouldn't feel bad at all. child, u should be thankful....

but i gotta question...so suppose he got himself togetha, financially had it goin on, became a Christian, etc. Would you still look past the ugliness and date him?

I'm dyin at mercy puddi.. ok so most of us probably haven't done that for an ugly dude, but I bet more than a few have given mercy puddi to a "nice guy" cause you had been dating for ages and you felt like he deserved it... oh wait, maybe that was just me ohwell:

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Have any of you ladies ever had to cut things off w/a guy? Yes
A NICE guy who's doing alllll the right things? Sure did. I don't regret it at all. I don't believe in staying with someone just because he's 'nice"
Saying all the right things? I mean, should I have given him longer time? I think you did the right thing.

Thanks for the input.

Yeah, I don't want to be w/a guy simply because he's "nice" or worse...because I feel "Sorry" for him. And I wouldn't want a guy to be w/me SIMPLY for those reasons either! A man being nice is top on my list of wants in a guy, but that shouldn't be the ONLY reason why I'm with him.

soooo.....i'm just wondering.. when u say getting to know him in a "romantic" sense... does dat mean u gave him some "mercy puddi"...some "I feel sorry for u cuz u ugly, so lemme give you some puddi"?

Oh no...definitely not. First of all, I am trying to save myself until my wedding night, so I won't be engaging in that until then. And even if I felt the need, I DEFINITELY would NOT be giving some guy "extras" if I wasn't even attracted to him. Heck no!

When I said "getting to know him better" in a "romantic" sense, I meant giving him a chance and allowing him to pursue me. We would go out, we would talk on the phone, e-mail back and forth, text, etc. That type of stuff.

but on a serious note, you did the right thing. however, i wouldn't have given him a chance to begin with. hell, if he dat ugly, u shouldn't feel bad at all. child, u should be thankful....

lol...well don't get me wrong, I didn't say he was butt ugly...he just wasn't attractive to me. And I'm not JUST talking looks either. I mean that NOTHING drew me to him. I wasn't attracted to him. Sure, we had nice lovely phone conversations, and he seemed to understand me and have a good head on his shoulders, but I didn't long to see him when we were apart, I didn't day dream about him, I didn't long to hear his voice on the phone. Idk...there just wasn't ANYTHING! And even the thought of him touching me kind of repulsed me. That's when I knew....

but i gotta question...so suppose he got himself togetha, financially had it goin on, became a Christian, etc. Would you still look past the ugliness and date him?

Good question! To tell you the truth, he would become more "attractive" if he got himself and his life/spirituality etc. in tact, but the attraction factor would still have to be there. He COULD look better if he got his act together, but I wasn't going to wait around for him and take that chance. If I were attracted to him, then maybe I would wait around for him to "catch up" or get himself in order. But since there wasn't any attraction...I didn't want to play games w/him or waste my OR his time. Looks aren't everything, but for me attraction has to be there for me to seriously consider a man to be my boyfriend and/potential mate.

I knew I had to cut things off when I was even embarrassed to tell my friends about our "relationship"! I just can't live a lie like that! But, he really is a good and sweet person, so who knows what will happen in the future?? Maybe if I'm still available and he still has an interest in me later on down the line he would make a good candidate and I would feel more interested in him. But for right now...it's just not there, and there are a lot of things giving me cause for pause. So I felt it best to end it. He even agreed w/me that he needed to get himself together and focus more on that instead of a relationship w/me.


The WIERDEST thing is...my MOM is the one taking this the hardest! I would think she would be proud of me for making such a mature decion instead of leading him on, or keeping him on the "backburner"! But nooooo....she was the one telling me not to give up so easily! I almost feel like she WANTS me to settle!

 

[hopeful]

Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing.
1. You weren't attracted to him.
2. You knew him well enough to know he wasn't for you.
3. He seems to have a lot of "issues".
4. After 8 years you were never attracted to him at all, that there is enough.
You did the right thing and shouldn't feel bad at all. Just from reading what you said about him I also have a funny feeling about him, like if he was really sincere, odd that he waited 8 years to approach you romantically, can't put my finger on it exactly but something is a little off about the situation.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Ok Crystal...thanks so much for clearing up the romantic part...cuz chile.... i was bout to say.... i thought da man was butt ugly...but i'm still glad u made the right decision.


for everyone else..i still stand firm on datin ugly men and havin chirren by them tho....

 

[frizzy]

Yes, I have side-stepped, flat out turned down, and pulled back from guys that were in the long run not suited for me. It's even hard to maintain the platonic friendship because they always want more and keep pushing for more, and that gets old.

So bottom line, whose happiness is more important, yours or his? You made the right decision.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Ok Crystal...thanks so much for clearing up the romantic part...cuz chile.... i was bout to say.... i thought da man was butt ugly...but i'm still glad u made the right decision.


for everyone else..i still stand firm on datin ugly men and havin chirren by them tho....

LOL... No problem JG.

I agree though, there has to be SOME attraction. Even if the rest of the world thinks he's UGLY, as long as YOU think he's cute and you're attracted to him, then that's all that matters!

Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing.
1. You weren't attracted to him.
2. You knew him well enough to know he wasn't for you.
3. He seems to have a lot of "issues".
4. After 8 years you were never attracted to him at all, that there is enough.
You did the right thing and shouldn't feel bad at all. Just from reading what you said about him I also have a funny feeling about him, like if he was really sincere, odd that he waited 8 years to approach you romantically, can't put my finger on it exactly but something is a little off about the situation.

Thanks Hopeful.

Yeah, I think deep down he probably knew all along that he still needed to get his life in order and that's why he never approached me before. He's had a rough past. Plus, he's changed already quite a bit, and in the past I didn't have such a high view of him (he was kind of a sarcastic jerk sometimes) , so that could also be a reason. But he's definitely changed for the better. He's just still not at the level that he would need to be for me personally. And again...the ATTRACTION factor! You just can't escape it!


But *sigh* I guess part of me is just wondering... You know the age-old saying: "A bird in the hand is worth more than two in the bush?" Well...that's how I feel. I would like to know whether some of you ladies who cut it off w/"nice" men eventually found men who were right for you, and exactly what you were looking for, or if you eventually regretted your decision?

I think this is what fears my mom the most...that I "threw away" a cool guy who basically worshipped the ground I walk on and really saw my true "self" and beauty for the hopes of someone better that I really want and need.

 

[sidney]

A relationship should NOT be a project. Wait for the one who has his stuff together. You did the right thing!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

A relationship should NOT be a project. Wait for the one who has his stuff together. You did the right thing!

Thank you so much for this. I completely agree!

 

[Duff]

I think you did the right thing plus you can honestly say you tried. I can say that you will not regret this decision later!!!!

edt.. that I do agree that attraction is a must have, for me anyway. I dont care what other people think about my man but he HAS to have some attraction to me.

 

[weaveadiva]

I mean, should I have given him longer time?

girl no, nip that ---- in the bud

yes, i have done it before...i can't feel bad about not being attracted to someone...it is what it is *shrug*

 

[AstroQueen77]

me and you must be twins. we keep attracting nice guys that we are not attracted to....