How Would You Handle This??

[htown2DAboot]

A really good friend of mine is dealing with this sitch with his wife...*sigh*
Background info: His wife has/had a dog she'd been attached to for 5 years. Raised the dog from a pup up.

My friend was out in the backyard with his stepsons this weekend, throwing around the football and playing with his wife's dog. He opened the gate for them to go around to the front of the house and forgot to close the gate back. Meanwhile, the dog gets out and wonders away. His wife is FURIOUS, and sad, upset, ect that my friend "let" the dog get away. He tries his hardest to make her feel better. Over the next few days, he and his stepsons go house to house in three neighborhoods looking for this dog, but come up empty. My friend even went so far as to buy her a new puppy...But no dice. His wife is STILL angry. Gives my friend the cold shoulder. Spends more time talking on Facebook and texting other people than talking to him. Just completely ignoring him. Can't even look him in the eye. He's begged for her forgiveness OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. He's made it clear that he's sorry, and is willing to do ANYTHING to help her through the pain, anger, etc. After more silence, my friend asks his wife: "Is this one mistake I made, losing your dog, big enough to hurt our relationship?" She tells him "I don't know right now". My friend is extra hurt, confused, and sad. But also pretty pissed off. He doesn't want to lose his wife over this dog. But she seems unwilling (as of now) to work through her anger towards him. What are the next steps he should take?

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Let her cool off for awhile, I mean, she has every right to be livid at him but I hope they wouldn't end their marriage over this.

 

[JustKiya]

It just happened this weekend? She's grieving. Grieving hard. People do strange things when they are grieving - esp. if there is someone close to them who is 'at fault'.

Give her room.
Leave her be.
Let her grieve.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Aww... poor guy. And poor lady too. He should be scouring the local animal shelters for the lost dog, putting up Lost Dog posters, doing anything and everything to find that dog.

She will heal in time... but the fact that he's so concerned with HIS being forgiven instead of HER pain and loss is telling. He appears to not understand how deeply she feels for the dog, which adds insult to her injury. It's not a lost pocketbook, it's a lost friend.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

Aww... poor guy. And poor lady too. He should be scouring the local animal shelters for the lost dog, putting up Lost Dog posters, doing anything and everything to find that dog.

She will heal in time... but the fact that he's so concerned with HIS being forgiven instead of HER pain and loss is telling. He appears to not understand how deeply she feels for the dog, which adds insult to her injury. It's not a lost pocketbook, it's a lost friend.

Wow, I didn't know it was like, then again I've never owned a pet.

IMO (speaking from the stand point of a non-pet owner) I don't see why it's a big deal that he's concerned that she forgives him by expressing remorse for what he did. Is it really his fault that he doesn't understand the way she feels about her pet?

OP, based on the comments, I wouldn't know how to handle it besides giving her time.

 

[htown2DAboot]

I told him when people are hurt or grieving like Kiya said, they do weird things...I'm guessing she does "sorta" blame him, and she probably wanted to hurt him just as bad as she was hurting. But after she works through the hurt and pain, it's going to get better.

 

[Bene]

I've raised my dog since he was a puppy, it will be 8 years this September that he's been in my life. I'd blame my husband too. I'd probably treat him even worse. It's like, if my husband let my 3 year old cross the street without holding his hand. It's negligence.


She needs time to grieve over the loss of her dog. He needs to step back and let her treat him like the bad guy in this. She will forgive him when she is ready, not when he decides that she's had enough time to get over it.

 

[OhmyKimB]

A really good friend of mine is dealing with this sitch with his wife...*sigh*
Background info: His wife has/had a dog she'd been attached to for 5 years. Raised the dog from a pup up.

My friend was out in the backyard with his stepsons this weekend, throwing around the football and playing with his wife's dog. He opened the gate for them to go around to the front of the house and forgot to close the gate back. Meanwhile, the dog gets out and wonders away. His wife is FURIOUS, and sad, upset, ect that my friend "let" the dog get away. He tries his hardest to make her feel better. Over the next few days, he and his stepsons go house to house in three neighborhoods looking for this dog, but come up empty. My friend even went so far as to buy her a new puppy...But no dice. His wife is STILL angry. Gives my friend the cold shoulder. Spends more time talking on Facebook and texting other people than talking to him. Just completely ignoring him. Can't even look him in the eye. He's begged for her forgiveness OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. He's made it clear that he's sorry, and is willing to do ANYTHING to help her through the pain, anger, etc. After more silence, my friend asks his wife: "Is this one mistake I made, losing your dog, big enough to hurt our relationship?" She tells him "I don't know right now". My friend is extra hurt, confused, and sad. But also pretty pissed off. He doesn't want to lose his wife over this dog. But she seems unwilling (as of now) to work through her anger towards him. What are the next steps he should take?

Leave her alone, and give her time

Cuz I know the way I felt about my dog and if someone let my dog out and now they can't find it. I prolly wouldn't talk to them either.

 

[OhmyKimB]

Wow, I didn't know it was like, then again I've never owned a pet.

IMO (speaking from the stand point of a non-pet owner) I don't see why it's a big deal that he's concerned that she forgives him by expressing remorse for what he did. Is it really his fault that he doesn't understand the way she feels about her pet?

OP, based on the comments, I wouldn't know how to handle it besides giving her time.

I had my dog from when I was 3 until I was 16. I remember my neighbor's friends wanted to steal my dog cuz she was a purebreed show dog (We didn't do shows though) and even at 12 the look I gave him made a 19 yr old stop dead in his tracks.

I remember I forgot about the 8th grade party before we graduated and all my friends thought something happened to my dog cuz I wasn't there. And she had surgery I had just forgotten all about it. So yeah, if you have a pet especially from a pup or a kitten or whatever u end up really attached to it.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

yup....imma bout to blaze on up cuz ole boy done phucked up....

*lights up my newport one hunnit*...

see, there's more to this story. he's prolly made snide remarks about the dog in the past, even jealous of the dog cuz she prolly treated the dog a lil better, or even gave it more attention, and some men resent that.

now all of a sudden he wanna play wif da dogerplexed, then decide to go play wif da kids in da front instead of the back? then left da gate open by accident?

Bullshyt and she knows and he know it das why he catchin hell. now he in da dog house too...

tell ur buddy to grab his nuts n man up bout da situation cuz he ain't told u e'thing..... i always say..there are three sides to a story..hers, his n da truth.

 

[hrtbndr21]

Yeah he needs to give her time and space to deal with it. How long have they been married? She may also be hurt because he didn't consider the dog "their" pet and take the same precautions a pet owner would take to keep the dog safe.

 

[htown2DAboot]

Yeah he needs to give her time and space to deal with it. How long have they been married? She may also be hurt because he didn't consider the dog "their" pet and take the same precautions a pet owner would take to keep the dog safe.

They've been married for...well it will be a year in July...And "alledgedly" he was the one always doing things for the dog...I mean the up keep and what not.

@ Jersey- you're right about the truth thing...real truth is always buried underneath the other two.

 

[Bene]

Okay, I thought about this, I have a solution for how he SHOULD have dealt with it. A cavalier "I'm sorry" and a new puppy isn't going to make anyone who has ever really loved a dog feel any better. It might be too late for him now, but in the future it could come in handy.

He should behave like he's taking it harder than she is. I mean full out self-flagellation. Tears, hair pulling, staying up at night praying for the dog's safe return, lighting candles, letting out a painful sigh every time he walks by the dog's water bowl, etc. He should behave as if he's taking it just as hard, if not worse, than she is. That's the only possible way he can get himself out of this mess with his wife not secretly wishing he was the one who got lost.

 

[msdeevee]

I have a dog that I've had since she was 6 months now she's almost 9 years old.

Yeah, if my DH through negligence lost my dog I'd be hotter than fish grease

On the other hand I love my DH and I would eventually get over it .

I would also feel a lot better about trying to put it behind me if I knew he had done everything possible to find the dog like former poster said scour the pounds, the streets, the neighborhood. Put up posters , offer a reward all that.

He has to give her time and pray that dog is not found dead.

She may have other issues with him if he has a pattern of being forgetful or negligent.

Oh just a little side note: You seem like a good friend but watch how much advice you give in this situation it may backfire on you , since you said he's your friend and she's his wife. No judgement at all but this is a highly charged situation.

 

[htown2DAboot]

Oh just a little side note: You seem like a good friend but watch how much advice you give in this situation it may backfire on you , since you said he's your friend and she's his wife. No judgement at all but this is a highly charged situation.

Yes ma'am. I'm trying to stay as neutral as possible, and give advice, or provoke help him look at it from her side as well...I haven't really told him much, but that she's going to need time to get over this...And that she still loves him...and hurt people hurt people. What he's done wasn't intential, but still...it happened, and it doesn't make the hurt go away just because he said he was sorry.

ETA, I did find out that he's done more than just search the neighborhoods. He and the DS went to shelters and pounds...But I don't think they put up flyers...I'll have to suggest that. Thanks!

 

[ladysaraii]

I agree w/ the other posters. i dont think people realize how attached people can get to their pets. I mean no one would blink an eye if this happened to her child (her not forgiving him) and a lot of people feel similarly to their pets.

she needs to grieve. I'm sure in time she will be able to move on, but he really needs to be understanding

 

[Nefertiti0906]

I agree w/ the other posters. i dont think people realize how attached people can get to their pets. I mean no one would blink an eye if this happened to her child (her not forgiving him) and a lot of people feel similarly to their pets.

she needs to grieve. I'm sure in time she will be able to move on, but he really needs to be understanding

Yeah I had no idea. I'm thinking about getting a dog so I'll keep this in mind.

 

[kbragg]

He needs to man up, stop nagging, and let her get over it on her own time. All he's doing is pissing her off worse by showing that he's only acting out of self interest (i.e. not wanting to be the bad guy) rather than genuine concern Trying to force someone to forgive you on your time on your terms is highly controlling and destructive behavior and will surely (if it hasn't already) cause the reverse of what he wants (forgiveness versus resentment).

Does your male friend have someone/something highly sentimental to him? What if she carelessly lost it and then tried to force forgiveness so she wouldn't be the "bad guy." How would he feel?

 

[-Kąditty-]

I understand the wife's pain. People do not like to acknowledge the importance of a dog but that is usually because they've never been blessed to love one.

I think he just needs to sit back and hush...and continue to search for her baby. His wife will more than likely forgive him when she is ready.

Last night, my DH took my dog out for a potty break. I was sitting in bed in a tshirt and panties, just chillin. I suddenly heard my dog crying. Not just a yelp but full out crying. I jumped out that bed soooo fast and ran out of the house(in just tshirt and panties) and started yelling at my dh "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER". My DH looked scared for his life lol. He said that he accidentally stepped on her because she ran through his legs. Shoot, tell me sum, I was ready to cut him. And yea, on a day to day basis, my DH is very sweet to her and actually take care of her more than I do. I wasn't thinking about all that when she was crying though. The only reason I calmed down was because she was fine.

And I know the wife is deeply saddened by the fact that she doesn't know if her dog is okay. If some fool has found her and is abusing her. We all know that not all people treat dogs with love. Some idiots get a high out of abusing animals.

 

[JustKiya]

I understand the wife's pain. People do not like to acknowledge the importance of a dog but that is usually because they've never been blessed to love one.

I think he just needs to sit back and hush...and continue to search for her baby. His wife will more than likely forgive him when she is ready.

Last night, my DH took my dog out for a potty break. I was sitting in bed in a tshirt and panties, just chillin. I suddenly heard my dog crying. Not just a yelp but full out crying. I jumped out that bed soooo fast and ran out of the house(in just tshirt and panties) and started yelling at my dh "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER". My DH looked scared for his life lol. He said that he accidentally stepped on her because she ran through his legs. Shoot, tell me sum, I was ready to cut him. And yea, on a day to day basis, my DH is very sweet to her and actually take care of her more than I do. I wasn't thinking about all that when she was crying though. The only reason I calmed down was because she was fine.

And I know the wife is deeply saddened by the fact that she doesn't know if her dog is okay. If some fool has found her and is abusing her. We all know that not all people treat dogs with love. Some idiots get a high out of abusing animals.

And I think that's part of her pain. Heck, having him let the dog out and it getting hit by a car might hurt a little less - at least then, she knows he's dead. Right now? She's in a limbo between grief and keeping hope alive that someone is loving on her puppy.

 

[Hair2Here]

I lost a dog too (death) and it does hurt. However, this is a very extreme response toward the husband who did not maliciously or intend to do this. It was an accident and nothing more. He's done everything a loving, sympathetic husband could have done. It's okay for her to continue grieving for her dog but it's time to get over her anger she has for her husband. Without sounding curt, this is not only right it's the mature thing to do. After all, it would be harder to replace the husband.

 

[prettyinpurple]

Lots of good comments here.

Not a pet owner, but these are my thoughts when I think of friends who do have pets.

When did this happen again?

I'm kinda appalled that he just bought a new puppy and thought that would make up for it. He obviously doesn't understand her feelings for her dog at all. Surprising her with a new puppy to replace her old one was obviously the wrong tactic. You can't just replace a pet with another one and KIM. This is really ridiculous if this just happened w/in the last few days. He should think of how he would feel if she lost one of his prized possession that was pretty much irreplaceable.

 

[Avaya]

Dang, I'm the odd women out! My first thought was wifey sounds immature as heck. Couples are supposed to communicate, compromise, forgive and forget, yadda, yadda, yadda right? I don't know. Sounds like she is trippin to me and possibly being emotionally manipulative. What does she want the man to do, grovel?

He said he was sorry, bought her a new dog, move the heck on and stop pouting like a child. It was a dang accident. Is that how she wants to be treated if she "messes up"? Uhg...

 

[Bene]

Dang, I'm the odd women out! My first thought was wifey sounds immature as heck. Couples are supposed to communicate, compromise, forgive and forget, yadda, yadda, yadda right? I don't know. Sounds like she is trippin to me and possibly being emotionally manipulative. What does she want the man to do, grovel?

He said he was sorry, bought her a new dog, move the heck on and stop pouting like a child. It was a dang accident. Is that how she wants to be treated if she "messes up"? Uhg...

For a lot of pet owners, a dog or cat can be a part of the family. They are our friends and companions. And because of the amount of care and affection we give them, they are like children for us.

I would be absolutely devastated if I lost my dog because of someone else's inattention or neglect. I couldn't be expected to just forgive and move on because it's not like the loss of a shoe or a 20 dollar bill. It's far more of tragedy than that. It's not pouting, it really is more like mourning and grieving the loss of something that was a big part of her life. You can't just move on from something like that.

 

[Duchesse]

Awww. I hope for his and her sake the dog finds his way home. Something like that can create a grudge that will take a looong time to go away if she has a hard time forgiving him. It seems like he is honestly sorry for leaving the gate open. He needs to give her time and let her be angry w/him for a bit.

I agree w/Bene. He needs to show as much concern over the dog as he can muster..fake it a little if he has to. She's worrying if her baby is dead, run over, hungry, wet, etc. Think of it as a lost child, not an easily replaceable animal.

 

[hopeful]

It hasn't even been a week and he wants her to be over it? He needs to keep saying I'm sorry and to give her space when she needs it. I lost a beloved pet once to natural causes and cried like she was a human, would break down when anyone even mentioned her name. So I can't imagine how upset his wife must be since it was her husband's fault. He needs to work on being more patient and compassionate. This is not about him being forgiven but her being allowed to grieve and be angry.

 

[NOEChic]

Dang, I'm the odd women out! My first thought was wifey sounds immature as heck. Couples are supposed to communicate, compromise, forgive and forget, yadda, yadda, yadda right? I don't know. Sounds like she is trippin to me and possibly being emotionally manipulative. What does she want the man to do, grovel?

He said he was sorry, bought her a new dog, move the heck on and stop pouting like a child. It was a dang accident. Is that how she wants to be treated if she "messes up"? Uhg...

i feel you and i was a pet owner...if i was ol boy i would be like really you gonna act like that? holla at me when you get some since and roll out.now she lost a husband and a dog. It was a mistake and if she gonna act like i shot her dog and stole her bike, i would be a lil nervous that she will do this EVERYTIME a mistake was made.

its not like he said, ol girl, your dog got out deal with it. he has been looking for her in the neighborhood, shelters, apologized and even bought her a new one...