How Would You Feel About This?

[MzLady78]

So, I've been seeing this guy for almost a month.

He has a 3 y/o son and is a wonderful father. I normally try to avoid dudes with kids, but when your dating pool age range is stops at 42, 43, it's a little difficult.

His son's mother has a daughter. When we first started talking, he told me that when he goes to get his son, a lot of times he'll take them both. If they're out and he buys his son something, he'll buy it for her too. He feels even though she's not his child, that's his son's sister, so he's not gonna treat her less than he treats his son.

Now, I was both and when he told me this, and to this day when he says something like "I gotta pick up the kids from school", I kind of squirm a little a bit. Like, I think it's kinda sweet, but I don't FULLY get, if that makes any sense. He has a really good relationship with his son's mother, which is always my number 1 concern when dealing with men with children. And before any asks, I don't have any reason to believe there's still anything going on between them (I know the child being so young might raise an eyebrow from some). According to him, he just doesn't want his son to grow up with the same jacked up family dynamic he grew up with.

Would having so much to do with this other child make you uncomfortable? Would you feel differently if you were serious, versus just dating? What about if you ended up marrying this person?

Not seeking advice or anything because there isn't anything TO do, it is what it is. I'm just curious as to how you feel?

 

[Bunny77]

Hey MzLady!

I guess I would have a few questions... why aren't he and the mother of the child together? While I understand that things don't always work out with folks, I'm more wary of men with OOW children versus children by an ex-wife.

Also, what happens if this woman has more kids? Does he then do things for all three of them? Since this woman (who I assume is never married) has two kids by two men and hasn't been married to either man, she's on track to possibly have more by more men who aren't her husband... so then what in the situation of your dude and his sense of responsibility?

I guess what would make me uncomfortable first and foremost is the possible messiness of this situation. It's too many kids (yes, two is two many to me) in this situation born in unwed circumstances, which makes legal issues messy (child support, visitation, etc.)... I couldn't deal and probably would have eliminated the dude from my marriage pool.

Doesn't make him a bad dude, just not someone I'd marry. Especially knowing that then I'd have kids with him... and this would get messier and messier.

 

[honeybuni84]

it just sounds like he is being a father/father figure to both of them. It wouldnt make me uncomfortable, but I have a child so i understand a a lot better.

What about it makes you uncomfortable? That it is one instead of 2 children? or that the other child he is doing it for isnt his? Is it that it takes time away from you?

This is the thing, if you were to get serious and marry this person, you have to take on everything that comes with his life. This is one of those things that comes with it and you have to be ok with it. If you are already uncomfy with it, then this may not work out the way you want it too.

 

[MzLady78]

Hey MzLady!

I guess I would have a few questions... why aren't he and the mother of the child together? While I understand that things don't always work out with folks, I'm more wary of men with OOW children versus children by an ex-wife.

Also, what happens if this woman has more kids? Does he then do things for all three of them? Since this woman (who I assume is never married) has two kids by two men and hasn't been married to either man, she's on track to possibly have more by more men who aren't her husband... so then what in the situation of your dude and his sense of responsibility?

I guess what would make me uncomfortable first and foremost is the possible messiness of this situation. It's too many kids (yes, two is two many to me) in this situation born in unwed circumstances, which makes legal issues messy (child support, visitation, etc.)... I couldn't deal and probably would have eliminated the dude from my marriage pool.

Doesn't make him a bad dude, just not someone I'd marry. Especially knowing that then I'd have kids with him... and this would get messier and messier.

Hey Bunny!

These are very valid concerns and honestly, I never really thought about it from that standpoint.

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

I don't see the problem. If the children are going to the same house after school, why not bring both?
I think he is being a great dad and a good man. You should worry if he made a big deal out of not wanting to deal with his son's sister, children don't see what we do and he is making their lives a little more "normal" by treating them like siblings.

 

[lexi08]

Well I would feel some kinda way about this situation and would most likely would not date the guy. I don't date 40+ year old men with young out of wedlock children at all, even if its just one. Why did he not marry the woman????? I will let 1 OOW child slide if the child was born when the man was young provided he is a good man and has been a responsible father.

I have no problem meeting men in my age group late 30's- 40's with no children or 1 pre teen/teenage/young adult child from a marriage. I am divorced with one adult child and I prefer a man in a similar situation.WHen you get into multiple kids there can be issues that I don't care to deal with. I don't date men with multiple out of wedlock children at all no matter what their age. I just don't feel their values are in line with mine. I don't like potentially messy situations.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I see it as a good thing. The fact that the kids live together I think is what makes a difference. Kids definitely pick up on how they get treated differently. Just think of when you buy one kid something and not the other...oh lawd...

 

[honeybuni84]

I don't see the problem. If the children are going to the same house after school, why not bring both?
I think he is being a great dad and a good man. You should worry if he made a big deal out of not wanting to deal with his son's sister, children don't see what we do and he is making their lives a little more "normal" by treating them like siblings.

me either...

The situation may be more complex, but that doesnt mean it has to be messy. When it comes to children and parenting, we are the ones who make it messy.

Since he has a good relationship with the mother, he should be able to sit down and talk about these things with her and see what her status is.

To me it shows how he would be if you two had children. If he is willing to do so much for children that aren't his, then think of how well your children would be treated.

 

[Bunny77]

me either...

The situation may be more complex, but that doesnt mean it has to be messy. When it comes to children and parenting, we are the ones who make it messy.

Since he has a good relationship with the mother, he should be able to sit down and talk about these things with her and see what her status is.

To me it shows how he would be if you two had children. If he is willing to do so much for children that aren't his, then think of how well your children would be treated.

It doesn't matter WHO makes it messy, it matters that it's messy PERIOD.

When people start having a bunch of outside kids with multiple people, **** gets messy. That's just how it is.

Honestly, I think it is very nice what he is doing for the other child and I applaud that. I really do. However, it is a messy situation that I would choose not to be a part of... and actually, MY children would be affected negatively because they would have to be thrown into other adults' mess (besides just their mother and father... they will also be affected by the actions of this other woman and any future men she has in her life) and have their issues become a part of their lives.

 

[MzLady78]

it just sounds like he is being a father/father figure to both of them. It wouldnt make me uncomfortable, but I have a child so i understand a a lot better.

What about it makes you uncomfortable? That it is one instead of 2 children? or that the other child he is doing it for isnt his? Is it that it takes time away from you?

This is the thing, if you were to get serious and marry this person, you have to take on everything that comes with his life. This is one of those things that comes with it and you have to be ok with it. If you are already uncomfy with it, then this may not work out the way you want it too.

I guess I just don't necessarily understand the need to be SO involved with this other child, and maybe it is because I don't have any myself. And in a way, it does almost seem like dealing with someone who has 2 kids as opposed to just 1.

He has a pretty busy life in general, and he definitely makes time for me, so I can't even complain about that. There have been a few times when things have come up with his son and we had to change our plans, but I know that's par for the course when you deal with a man with kids.

I'm not uncomfortable to the point where it's something that I'm dwelling on it. It's just odd to me, I don't know how else to describe it, LOL.

 

[MzLady78]

I don't see the problem. If the children are going to the same house after school, why not bring both?
I think he is being a great dad and a good man. You should worry if he made a big deal out of not wanting to deal with his son's sister, children don't see what we do and he is making their lives a little more "normal" by treating them like siblings.

I felt some kind of way FOR feeling some kind of way about this for exactly this reason.

I definitely would think less of a man who treats the other child like they don't exist because they're not his.

 

[Bunny77]

MzLady, if you can keep it light and enjoy it as a good friendship before getting too serious, then you can think through the situation more and see if it's something that you want to do or not.

 

[MzLady78]

Well I would feel some kinda way about this situation and would most likely would not date the guy. I don't date 40+ year old men with young out of wedlock children at all, even if its just one. Why did he not marry the woman????? I will let 1 OOW child slide if the child was born when the man was young provided he is a good man and has been a responsible father.

I have no problem meeting men in my age group late 30's- 40's with no children or 1 pre teen/teenage/young adult child from a marriage. I am divorced with one adult child and I prefer a man in a similar situation.WHen you get into multiple kids there can be issues that I don't care to deal with. I don't date men with multiple out of wedlock children at all no matter what their age. I just don't feel their values are in line with mine. I don't like potentially messy situations.

And that's great, but I'm TELLING you that were I am, it really is like finding a needle in a haystack.

No kids has always been my preference, but as I got older and the likelihood of meeting men with no kids declined, I decided to judge each situation on a individual basis. If you got "baby mama drama", yeah, you can keep it moving. Multiple kids by multiple women, don't even look in my direction, LOL.

 

[MzLady78]

MzLady, if you can keep it light and enjoy it as a good friendship before getting too serious, then you can think through the situation more and see if it's something that you want to do or not.

Yeah, it's still VERY early. Something else could surface that might be a real deal breaker and make this situation moot anyway.

But so far, he's a good guy and I'm very much enjoying getting to know him.

 

[antisocial]

I know exactly what you mean with the and ......

What is his financial situation? That would probably be the determining factor for me. If I didn't feel that the "other" child would be taking food from my or my potential child's mouth then it really wouldn't be an issue if otherwise everything else was all good.

It's really unfortunate that these days you have to hope a man only has one kid

 

[FlowerHair]

No, it wouldn't make me uncomfortable.

None of them would be my child anyway so I would treat them the same

I think it's a good trait that he cares for his son's sister.

 

[MzLady78]

I know exactly what you mean with the and ......

What is his financial situation? That would probably be the determining factor for me. If I didn't feel that the "other" child would be taking food from my or my potential child's mouth then it really wouldn't be an issue if otherwise everything else was all good.

It's really unfortunate that these days you have to hope a man only has one kid

One of my girls was like "he made it to 43 with ONLY one kid, wow!" Sad that that's impressive these days.

As far as finances, I will say that he doesn't strike me as the type that's gonna not handle his business because he's taking care of others who aren't his responsibility.

 

[Bunny77]

I will say, it seems like these situations work best when the mother of the other child/ren marries someone else.

Then you kind of have more of a stepparent situation... I've seen families where both sets of parents get together for big family gatherings and all of the kids are included. It seems "safer" when both of the original parents have gotten married and then you have two adult COUPLES interacting with each other and seeing all of the kids as the responsibility of the FOUR adults.

It seems much harder, from what I see, when there are a bunch of unmarried partners just "dating" (or staying single) and no one seems to be moving toward a marriage.

 

[MzLady78]

I will say, it seems like these situations work best when the mother of the other child/ren marries someone else.

Then you kind of have more of a stepparent situation... I've seen families where both sets of parents get together for big family gatherings and all of the kids are included. It seems "safer" when both of the original parents have gotten married and then you have two adult COUPLES interacting with each other and seeing all of the kids as the responsibility of the FOUR adults.

It seems much harder, from what I see, when there are a bunch of unmarried partners just "dating" (or staying single) and no one seems to be moving toward a marriage.

I definitely agree with this.

For instance, I've always thought it was cool how Will, Jada and Sheree have managed to create such a great blended family dynamic. But I do wonder if it would have worked as well if they weren't his wives.

 

[MzLady78]

I'm also thinking it's possible that this involvement could decrease as this child gets older and more independent. I don't necessarily see him still feeling the need to buy this kid sneakers when she's 15, LOL.

And I don't know where the mother is right now relationship wise, but she could end up with a guy who isn't comfortable with the situation and might want it to stop, or to take over as that "father figure".

So, it may or may not be a long term thing.

 

[antisocial]

I'm also thinking it's also possible that this involvement could decrease as this child gets older and more independent. I don't necessarily see him still feeling the need to buy this kid sneakers when she's 15, LOL.

And I don't know where the mother is right now relationship wise, but she could end up with a guy who isn't comfortable with the situation and might want it to stop, or to take over as that "father figure".

So, it may or may not be a long term thing.

I don't know about all that. A lot of men don't want to take care of their own kids so she'll be real lucky to find two men willing to take care of one that isn't theirs

 

[Bunny77]

Is the other child older or younger than your friend's child?

I'm just wondering was the other one around when he was with her, or if the other one was born after your guy's child was born?

(I hate calling kids the "other one" or "that one," but it's hard to keep this straight! )

 

[MzLady78]

I don't know about all that. A lot of men don't want to take care of their own kids so she'll be real lucky to find two men willing to take care of one that isn't theirs

This is very true, but I do think it's possible.

Contrary to what we might see on TV or even in our own circles most times, there are guys who take care of their children. *I* personally, don't know many who don't but I do acknowledge that they're out there.

I grew up with about 5 dudes who are still close friends. All have kids, all great fathers whose pride would NOT allow their children to be taken care of by some other man.

 

[MzLady78]

Is the other child older or younger than your friend's child?

I'm just wondering was the other one around when he was with her, or if the other one was born after your guy's child was born?

(I hate calling kids the "other one" or "that one," but it's hard to keep this straight! )

She's older.

And I remember us having a discussion and telling me how he's dated women with kids and the fathers having issues with him, pretty much because he doesn't just ignore their kid. He's like "WTF, I'm not gonna act they they don't exist, and you shouldn't want me to".

 

[Bunny77]

She's older.

And I remember us having a discussion and telling me how he's dated women with kids and the fathers having issues with him, pretty much because he doesn't just ignore their kid. He's like "WTF, I'm not gonna act they they don't exist, and you shouldn't want me to".

Thanks!

See, the one thing that really worries me about this situation (moreso than him doing stuff for the older child) is the fact that he got with a never-married single mother (I assume she is never married) and gave her a SECOND OOW child.

Now, she needs to take a look in the mirror as well, but what he did just doesn't sit well with me... again, while no couple should force themselves together "only" because of a child, I just don't like how it all went down.

Doesn't mean he's a bad father, but I want a man who values marriage and an intact family.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I'm also thinking it's also possible that this involvement could decrease as this child gets older and more independent. I don't necessarily see him still feeling the need to buy this kid sneakers when she's 15, LOL.

And I don't know where the mother is right now relationship wise, but she could end up with a guy who isn't comfortable with the situation and might want it to stop, or to take over as that "father figure".

So, it may or may not be a long term thing.

Or it could increase.

They both get to high school/college age, if he doesn't chip in for high school ring/prom dress/ band trip to the Rose Bowl parade for her, how will she feel if he does go in on the ring/tux/band trip for his bio son?

Is he going to pay for the girl's college AND his son's college?

If he's treating them as if they were both his kids NOW, does he intend to do that for as long as he lives?

He will have a heck of a time explaining to the girl ten years from now that he's only going to do for his bio son.

If he plans to give the same amount of money/assistance/emotional support to both of them forever, that's a different story.

 

[MzLady78]

Thanks!

See, the one thing that really worries me about this situation (moreso than him doing stuff for the older child) is the fact that he got with a never-married single mother (I assume she is never married) and gave her a SECOND OOW child.

Now, she needs to take a look in the mirror as well, but what he did just doesn't sit well with me... again, while no couple should force themselves together "only" because of a child, I just don't like how it all went down.

Doesn't mean he's a bad father, but I want a man who values marriage and an intact family.

Understandable, and I can definitely respect that, although I don't agree that it equates to not valuing marriage or intact families. I mean, he didn't have his son until he was 40 years old, that's pretty rare for a man to just be having his first child at that age. So he could have had every intention of being married first.

In either case, the kid is here and from what I can see, he's making the best out of the situation and I appreciate that about him. He's been very clear that raising his son is his top priority, he even told me he started trying to take better care of himself once his son was born so he could be around as long as possible for him.

But I do feel you and believe me, in my ideal world, this wouldn't not even be an issue.

 

[MzLady78]

Or it could increase.

They both get to high school/college age, if he doesn't chip in for high school ring/prom dress/ band trip to the Rose Bowl parade for her, how will she feel if he does go in on the ring/tux/band trip for his bio son?

Is he going to pay for the girl's college AND his son's college?

If he's treating them as if they were both his kids NOW, does he intend to do that for as long as he lives?

He will have a heck of a time explaining to the girl ten years from now that he's only going to do for his bio son.

If he plans to give the same amount of money/assistance/emotional support to both of them forever, that's a different story.

All fair questions that I really can't answer.

 

[newbiemom]

In my family this is common. My mother treats my sisters that aren't from her well. My cousin has 1 daughter but he treats the sister very well evn though that is not his daughter. I think it is important to treat the other child good so the siblings don't have issues. I think he is being a good father and a good man.

 

[MrsBurns82]

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. It makes him a good father as well as a good man. Strangely the world is changing and it's odd to find a decent person without raising a brow.

My brothers father was the exact opposite. He married my mom when i was 4 they divorced when I was 12 I called him dad. While they were married he was my father. When they divorced I no longer existed to him even at 12 to watch my brother leave with "daddy" was hard.

I'd take my chances with a Man who cares enough to go out of his way for a child that isn't his as apposed to ignoring her simply because "she aint mine"