How to tell a man it's not his baby...

[ebonylocs]

I'd never underestimate what a man will do once he's been deceived.

This is a serious thing for some men. It's funny that just yesterday at work my colleagues were discussing at lunch just how many women deceive men in this way. One guy was actually saying such deception should be made a criminal offence, it's the worst thing you can do to a man, etc.

But OP, I have a question for you. From the way you titled this thread, you seem absolutely sure the baby isn't his. And his family is fairly sure as well. Why do you think it is that what's so "obvious" to everyone else isn't obvious to Steve? Or if he is in denial, why do you think that is? Why do you think he didn't do what most would consider routine with a cheating girlfriend?

Re resemblance. I want to know what is this dramatic difference in looks that even shop clerks presume to speculate aloud that he's been duped. I bet there is a difference in complexion. As others have pointed out, that isn't conclusive. I am lighter than anyone else in my immediate family. Some evil-minded folks made comments about my paternity when I was a small child. However, there was never any doubt in my dad's minds about the truth - he knew the woman he had married. And when I got older, people were able to see me on the street and tell from my looks that I was my Dad's daughter.

 

[NYAmicas]

Man, that's crazy because OP is saying even his friends and fam are talking behind his back. How bad is the resemblance off because I keep thinking about this:

 

[MzLady78]

Well screw it just go head on and tell the fool "dude you need a paternity test cuz baby momma was creeping and da baby looks like Charlie Wilson from the Gap Band with out the chicklet teefus"! LOL Ok now that I got that silly **** out who do you think he looks like? LOL

But he already knows she was cheating, she said that in the OP. When she asked if he had any doubts whether or not it was his, he said no. So unless he's a total moron, he knows there's the possibility it may not be and he either doesn't wanna know, or doesn't care at this point. In either case, the OP needs to let it go. This is not her battle to fight.

 

[Aveena]

Wilber!!!

No seriously OP needs to stay out of it.

 

[Kurlee]

children don't always resemble their parents and a baby that young is always changing, so it's really hard to tell at 15 months. I don't think it's a good idea for you to plant that seed and it will backfire, especially if you are wrong. Are you sure that your motivations are pure?

 

[Kurlee]

I understand what you're saying, but why do you NEED to do this if BOTH of the child's parents are fine with the way things are?

This man is not retarded, he's able to chose what he wants. And if you can see that the baby doesn't look like him, i'm sure he can see that too.

Maybe the baby looks like someone in the mother's family and the mom and dad knows it, but you don't know because you don't know the mom.

Your reasons are so selfish. This man is in love with this child, and the child has a dad. That should be good enough.

I don't know why you feel that you have a right to come into their business.

because she wants the man

 

[FemmeFatale]

This ish is just messy..couldn't be me. One of the 50 reasons why to not date men with kids. OP I can already see that you can't handle it, just be honest with yourself and leave his possibly delusional self alone.

 

[Kurlee]

My oldest DD looks EXACTLY like my mother. EXACTLY. She has not one feature, characteristic, mannerism, way, or anything that resembles my DH. At ALL. But shes his.

Mama:

My DD:

that is scary and she is CUTE with her little dimples!

 

[ashessehsa]

Well screw it just go head on and tell the fool "dude you need a paternity test cuz baby momma was creeping and da baby looks like Charlie Wilson from the Gap Band with out the chicklet teefus"! LOL Ok now that I got that silly **** out who do you think he looks like? LOL

I think he looks like the guy who she's living with. I've seen pictures on FB and had to do a double take. People only see what they want to see, though. In this situation, I see myself being there to support Steve, however he sees fit--unless he asks me for money for diapers LOL.

 

[firecracker]

because she wants the man

and without the added baggage aka 15 month ole baby w/baby momma drama. I ain't mad at her but he is a package deal now.

 

[firecracker]

I think he looks like the guy who she's living with. I've seen pictures on FB and had to do a double take. People only see what they want to see, though. In this situation, I see myself being there to support Steve, however he sees fit--unless he asks me for money for diapers LOL.

Oh shiznizzle snap fo real? Ohhhh in a few years there maybe no way of denying that resemblance. I seriously hope those two are not playing Steve just for his child support money.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Wow! That's uncanny how much she looks like your mom! Her expression and the way she smiles.......everything looks like your mom.

My oldest DD looks EXACTLY like my mother. EXACTLY. She has not one feature, characteristic, mannerism, way, or anything that resembles my DH. At ALL. But shes his.

Mama:

My DD:

 

[Supergirl]

OP, if Steve and Andrea broke up because Andrea was being intimate with others and Steve has not been sharp enough to wonder about this baby's paternity, is Steve really the kind of guy that you want to be with?

 

[*CherryPie*]

If that baby looked like the BM's roommate, OP would have said that sometime earlier. LOL I think OP is saying this to make what she's trying to do more understandable. Grasping at straws......

Oh shiznizzle snap fo real? Ohhhh in a few years there maybe no way of denying that resemblance. I seriously hope those two are not playing Steve just for his child support money.

 

[MissJ]

Just because people are talking behind the man's back does not mean that he is not the child's father. I know a man who had a baby with his girlfriend, at the time. The baby came out light with type 3 hair. His whole family was convinced the baby was not his. They even cooked up scenarios of how the baby was conceived without him. Somebody says they saw another man with light skin and type 3 hair leaving the house the girlfriend lived in with her mama, sisters and brother. Right before his wedding to the woman, his family members even warned him not to marry the woman. Fast forward some years later, the couple has two more children that look eerily similar to the first. I say to that, just because the child does not look like the father does not mean that the child is not his. Unless you saw the woman sleeping with another man at the time of conception, I say it's best to stay out of these matters. The man claims that child as his and says he has no doubt about it. If he has no problem with it, why do you?

 

[Bnster]

OP you are truly better off not pursuing this.
No matter whether the child is his blood or not he has claimed the child. As per if this happened to my brother at first I would want him to know the truth, but afterwards it wouldn’t matter, because my brother had decided to love that child no different and I love my brother more for that and my love for that child would not change. It would break my heart if someone would try to take away my nephew or niece from me. OP it would break your friend’s heart to take that child away from him and that you would not support and accept this child as his. Maybe you are not right for him, he needs you to accept this and be strong for him and what he is trying to do.

What he is doing is providing, loving and protecting this child by claiming him, your friend is trying to give a strong foundation so that child knows he is loved, knows a father love, knows his father’s family and friends admires, adores, accept and will look out for him, just because his father has claimed him. When the child gets bigger and if it does come out your friend is not the father, the foundation will rock a little but it will not break him and will make that child will become an adult , be better, stronger, surer and loving human being. That is the bigger picture of this whole situation.

I hope you can rejoice for your friend and stand behind his child and forget about the mother who you and other thinks are bamboozling him. OP, you know if he is doing for this child he will do everything in his power to protect his own and beyond. Your future with him and any potential child he will look after them and would not shrug his responsibility.

If you can’t accept his stance on this, you should move on, but let it be. It doesn’t sound like your friend begrudges the situation. I say good for him, that he is doing this, even though he is hearing negative comments from time to time.

 

[ladylibra_30]

If the kid isn't Steve's then I feel sorry for the biological dad who is missing out on his child's life - assuming he would want the child in question. erplexed

OP, everyone has the right to feel a way about any given situation that they are about to involve in his/her life. If your intentions are pure and you are concerned about this situation in regards to being in an exclusive relationship with Steve then put it all on the table and take it from there. Just because he's answered you with no uncertainty doesn't mean the situation/topic can't be revisited.

Good luck.

 

[FlowerHair]

Too much involvement in a man who isn't even your man at this point.

Both of you are seeing other people, you're not exclusive, he is content being the child's father even though he knows she was unfaithful. End of story...

If he accepts it, why can't you?

 

[MissGomes]

I'm wondering how many people would say the same thing if it were their brother or best friend?
But regardless of what I think... you already asked and he already answered.

Op, you have ALREADY planted the seed when you asked him that question...and then he dug it up and promptly handed it back to you. He is not interested in entertaining this idea. Be done with it.

If you're that close to his mom and SHE doesn't even want to touch it.. why would you? Let it go and be there for support if need be.

 

[ashessehsa]

If that baby looked like the BM's roommate, OP would have said that sometime earlier. LOL I think OP is saying this to make what she's trying to do more understandable. Grasping at straws......

I feel like I need to post pics of Steve, his BM and her new man, and y'all can tell me what you think. But, if I did all of that, there's no point in me changing his name...

 

[firecracker]

If that baby looked like the BM's roommate, OP would have said that sometime earlier. LOL I think OP is saying this to make what she's trying to do more understandable. Grasping at straws......

I'm feeling some kinda way about that statement about his family trying to get her to say something. WTH erplexed I'm not going to second guess her motives at this point because if it was my family member he and the baby momma woulda been told and unapologetically at that.

 

[hopeful]

...

How are my reasons selfish, when I'm not getting anything out of it? I don't feel like I have the right to do anything. I just want him to see things for what they really are, and if I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. I haven't pushed anything on him. His mom, his brother, and his friends all want to say something but none of them have the stones to do so. I feel like they're pushing me to do it because I'm replaceable. She's always going to be his mom, they're always going to be his friends, and he can always get another girlfriend. They want me to do their dirty work and stir the pot.

OP, don't fall for the okie doke. Mom, brother, other friends need to step up and put themselves on the line. The gossiping behind his back is not nice and just so messy. I would not discuss this matter with any of them. If it were me, I would leave him alone. If he were my brother or son we'd have one good, serious talk, then I'd leave it alone.

I would not want to get together with a man who had a child that young and a drama-filled ex. He has too much drama. And honestly, after knowing someone for 15 years what is there to think about? IMO you should both know if you want each other or not after all those years. I would leave him and the whole situation alone. I would need a man who protects his assets and is upfront with me. Like I'm not sure he's mine but it doesn't matter, something. All the secretiveness and tip-toeing around the issue would get on my last nerve.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Yeah, for real, because it's bigger than Steve and I. Obviously since Steve and I aren't exclusive, he's seeing other people, as am I. I can understand his BM saying she doesn't want different women around her child. No woman wants some other woman playing mommy to their child.




How are my reasons selfish, when I'm not getting anything out of it? I don't feel like I have the right to do anything. I just want him to see things for what they really are, and if I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. I haven't pushed anything on him. His mom, his brother, and his friends all want to say something but none of them have the stones to do so. I feel like they're pushing me to do it because I'm replaceable. She's always going to be his mom, they're always going to be his friends, and he can always get another girlfriend. They want me to do their dirty work and stir the pot.

So do I. I'd prefer the truth over a lie, even though the truth might hurt in this situation. At the same time, I don't want to be the "new girlfriend" like those women are on Maury...

Look at the last quote. This is why your reasons are selfish. You do not want him to know this baby is not his so you can shed truth on the light and prevent him from heartbreak. You want him to find out this baby is not his because it would make you feel a lot better. You wouldn't have to take a lot of baggage from him (baby momma and child on the side). You could have the relationship to your self and it would be more traditionally sound. (No outside intruders or mess starters)

You say his family wants you to tell him, but trust me if his family wanted to know and they're closer than you will ever be to this man...they are blood and they would have taken him to the side and let him know. They don't need you to do their "dirty work" for them. They are capable of doing it themselves. And people don't do things they don't want to do. It's your decision ultimately to stir the pot. You can't place that blame on his parents, it's what you want to do too.

Nope I don't think it's your place to tell him the baby is not his. I'm sure he knows this already. he is no dummy. He is not in special ed, of you would not be in love with him...or I hope. He knows if or if not the baby is his, but he also knows what role he wishes to play in this child's life, and it's not that easy to just reliquish his role like that when he loves the child as you say he does...even if it is for your sake...or would make the relationship go smoother.

 

[Allandra]

I feel like I need to post pics of Steve, his BM and her new man, and y'all can tell me what you think. But, if I did all of that, there's no point in me changing his name...

It's not a good idea to post their pictures here. After all, someone here may know the three of them (that would be opening another whole can of worms).

 

[Prudent1]

OP consider too the wisdom of getting further involved w/ such a seemingly immature group of potential in-laws. It would bother me that my potential in-laws would not have the cojones to speak to a family member they loved about something they obviously felt so strongly about. It would make me think twice about what type of mess they would be discussing behind my back as well. Not a group of ppl I want to share DNA with or have around/ influencing my potential kids at all. maybe that's just me though.
Steve appears to have decided to be there regardless. Maybe you are correct when you say you should just KIM and let Steve find someone else.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I feel like I need to post pics of Steve, his BM and her new man, and y'all can tell me what you think. But, if I did all of that, there's no point in me changing his name...

*pulls pack of newports outta my bra, hits da bottom of pack, pulls out one, and lights up a newport one hunnit*

are u seriously that hard up that you have pictures of all three???? lemme git dis hea straight. u got pics of da baby momma who u say barely knows you, and da man she living wif?

Great day in da mawnin!!! i done heard it all.....

iight den phuck it. g'hed n tell him. dayum dat. if u willlin to post pics, then take those pics, show him and tell him and be done with it. besides, he ain'tchur man no way, so u can't miss sumfin u neva had right? and if u can cut ur losses and keep it movin, then do it...u ain't got nuffin to lose at this point cuz da man was neva urs to begin with. and not to mention da fact that u waitin for him for like fifteen years.....

i know, i know, ur doing it cuz u care. or betta yet, why don'tchu phuck steve and have his baby. at least YOU'LL know dat baby is his.....

 

[*CherryPie*]

Like I said before, it doesn't matter what the child looks like. Posting pictures wouldn't change that.

I feel like I need to post pics of Steve, his BM and her new man, and y'all can tell me what you think. But, if I did all of that, there's no point in me changing his name...

 

[ashessehsa]

It's not a good idea to post their pictures here. After all, someone here may know the three of them (that would be opening another whole can of worms).

I definitely wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want my picture posted all over the internet.

 

[ashessehsa]

*pulls pack of newports outta my bra, hits da bottom of pack, pulls out one, and lights up a newport one hunnit*

are u seriously that hard up that you have pictures of all three???? lemme git dis hea straight. u got pics of da baby momma who u say barely knows you, and da man she living wif?

Great day in da mawnin!!! i done heard it all.....

iight den phuck it. g'hed n tell him. dayum dat. if u willlin to post pics, then take those pics, show him and tell him and be done with it. besides, he ain'tchur man no way, so u can't miss sumfin u neva had right? and if u can cut ur losses and keep it movin, then do it...u ain't got nuffin to lose at this point cuz da man was neva urs to begin with. and not to mention da fact that u waitin for him for like fifteen years.....

i know, i know, ur doing it cuz u care. or betta yet, why don'tchu phuck steve and have his baby. at least YOU'LL know dat baby is his.....

That's what his best friend told me this morning.

Anyhoo, I haven't been waiting for him for fifteen years, that's just how long I've known him.

 

[ctosha]

I think you should let it be do not push the issue. You have somewhat planted the seed by mentioning stating your opinion while the 2 of you were watching the Maury show. Although he has no doubts now he may go back and analyze this at a later date but for now don't pursue the issue especially if you want this man to be your SO. Just my 2 cents. Good luck to you.