How to tell a man it's not his baby...

[SweetNic_JA]

I may be in the minority here, but if the kid is not his then he needs to know. That man may be a laughing stock to his baby-momma, her family, her friends, and the potential real father to the child. That's NOT fair.

Hopefully he is the father and this wont' be even be an issue, and he and son can ride off into the sunset happily ever after. However, the reality is that the baby-momma was mismanaging her lady goods and was swinging it all over the place during their relationship. Not only is that scary healthwise, but it gives cause to question (and verify) paternity. A man needs to know who his real child is and the child needs to know who his real dad is.

It's important spiritually, emotionally, and medically and the truth needs to come out. Hopefully he will continue to play an active role in the child's life regardless of the results.

Keep in mind all of this is not the OP's fault. It's the baby momma's.

 

[ThickHair]

Find a new dude if all of this is an issue. At this point in time you should really mind your own business. If Steve wants things sorted out, if needed then he should do it on his time. You are taking on more than is needed.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

You are assuming that the kid is indeed not his and when he finds out he will be angry and sad, but will eventually come around. Have you thought about what will happen with the very real possibility (since he was sexing her) the child is his?

 

[ambergirl]

OP sounds like you're trying to save a man who doesn't want to be saved. He's chosen to be this little boy's father and not question it for whatever reason, so I agree with CherryPie....only bring it up if you're willing to see the relationship (and possibly the friendship) end.

This might be hard to hear but his attachment may be to the mom as well as to the kid so that may be one reason he's not questioning. For that reason, I would probably not consider him for a serious relationship.

 

[Allandra]

Geez. Steve should have asked for a paternity test. At this point, he doesn't sound like he's a good potential SO. Maybe cutting your losses and keeping it moving would be best. Let Steve and Andrea deal with the potential situation.

 

[Allandra]

The best thing for you to do is stay out of it. He's already on the hook for child support. They are not going to reverse that. He's been acting as the baby's father for 15 months, translation: too dang long for anything to happen other than the child possibly losing the only father he knows and ending up as a statistic.

Oh, it can be reversed. Many a men have breathed this big sigh of relief. So, if he can prove he's not the father (legally of course), he doesn't have to be on the hook for anything unless he wants to be.

 

[TayMac]

If he NEVER even doubted it knowing that she was a cheater...he might be a fool. I'd let him be. It's really not your place to get in the middle. The mother knows the truth and Steve had the option of getting a paternity test.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Stay out of it. Period! AND Regarding the bolded. Yep, the baby doesn't look like any one of them. SO WHAT? Do you know their whole family tree? The baby's featurest/dna(looks) might have come from a different family member(s)/blend from either side of the family. Just cause she sleeps/slept around does not mean that "he" didn't plant the majic seed.

REGARDLESS, he is playing the role of father, he signed the papers. As the potential SO, your best bet (role at this point) is to support him and his decisions regarding the rearing of his child. NOW, when and if the day comes that he questions the paternity of this child, then you take the opportunity to support that too. BUT DO NOT DO IT with contempt for the mother or the child. Twenty years from now he, you, and the child will appreciate this, regardless of what the truth is.

I've known "Steve" for years. In May, Steve and his baby's mother "Andrea" broke up because Steve found out that Andrea was sleeping with other men. The two of them have a baby together, so he thinks.

Baby Steve looks NOTHING LIKE Steve. He may be Steve Jr, but they do not share any features. Baby Steve doesn't even look like Andrea . Steve is my potential SO, and I wanted to share this concern with him. So, we were watching Maury (I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity), and I asked him if he ever doubted Steve Jr. wasn't his. He said, "never, not once." I left it at that--for now.

When I say this baby looks nothing like Steve, I mean absolutely nothing. Steve, Steve Jr. and I were at the mall the other day, and one of the cashiers asked whose baby Steve Jr. was. I replied, "it's his baby, I don't have any kids." The cashier looked at Steve, then at the baby, and the look on her face was "who lied to you?" Steve left the store, and the cashier asked me if that was really his baby!!!

I don't want to start any mess, but someone needs to plant the seed in Steve's brain that that baby may not be his. If he and Andrea broke up because she was being unfaithful, don't you think it would pop in his head that since she was cheating possibly around the time that she got pregnant, that the baby may not be his? Is it even my place to say anything? I'm so confused, and I don't know what to say, but I really think that something needs to be done.

Steve Jr. is 15 months old. Steve has done the right and responsible thing by filing for and being awarded joint custody. He spends half of the week with Steve and the other half with his mother. Seeing them together is so adorable, and I know Steve would be heartbroken if he found out that wasn't his baby, but still...

 

[ladysaraii]

I'm not even going to question the OP's motive.

I have a question though for everyone. If this was your brother would you still say it's all good every child needs a father?

I think Steve is a dummy for not proving paternity given the circumstances. However, it's his choice OP, nothing you can do.

This was my exact thought, b/c I sure would be lining up a paternity test to make sure.

I may be in the minority here, but if the kid is not his then he needs to know. That man may be a laughing stock to his baby-momma, her family, her friends, and the potential real father to the child. That's NOT fair.

Hopefully he is the father and this wont' be even be an issue, and he and son can ride off into the sunset happily ever after. However, the reality is that the baby-momma was mismanaging her lady goods and was swinging it all over the place during their relationship. Not only is that scary healthwise, but it gives cause to question (and verify) paternity. A man needs to know who his real child is and the child needs to know who his real dad is.

It's important spiritually, emotionally, and medically and the truth needs to come out. Hopefully he will continue to play an active role in the child's life regardless of the results.

Keep in mind all of this is not the OP's fault. It's the baby momma's.

And you know I can understand the OP's concern. If she is considering moving into something more serious w/ this man, then I understand why she would want this resolved sooner than later. As a wife, she'd have a right to know and as someone who might become one, I'd want to know what I was getting into

 

[MrsHouston]

I thought you had to take a paternity test when custody or child support is concerned....no?

Not if "Steve" put his name on the birth certificate when the child was born. Seeing how "happy" he seems with the child...he signed it.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

The best thing for you to do is stay out of it. He's already on the hook for child support. They are not going to reverse that. He's been acting as the baby's father for 15 months, translation: too dang long for anything to happen other than the child possibly losing the only father he knows and ending up as a statistic.

The best thing for you to do is stay out of it. He's already on the hook for child support. They are not going to reverse that. He's been acting as the baby's father for 15 months, translation: too dang long for anything to happen other than the child possibly losing the only father he knows and ending up as a statistic.

Repeat ^^ as often as necessary.

 

[ashessehsa]

See, this ain't about the baby. For you, its about Steve and his baby momma. There is more to this story than what you're giving. Because I don't believe for one minute that if that baby momma say she don't want you around her child that you would follow the rules and be like Ok. Really? Fa real?

Yeah, for real, because it's bigger than Steve and I. Obviously since Steve and I aren't exclusive, he's seeing other people, as am I. I can understand his BM saying she doesn't want different women around her child. No woman wants some other woman playing mommy to their child.

I understand what you're saying, but why do you NEED to do this if BOTH of the child's parents are fine with the way things are?

This man is not retarded, he's able to chose what he wants. And if you can see that the baby doesn't look like him, i'm sure he can see that too.

Maybe the baby looks like someone in the mother's family and the mom and dad knows it, but you don't know because you don't know the mom.
m,
Your reasons are so selfish. This man is in love with this child, and the child has a dad. That should be good enough.

I don't know why you feel that you have a right to come into their business.

How are my reasons selfish, when I'm not getting anything out of it? I don't feel like I have the right to do anything. I just want him to see things for what they really are, and if I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. I haven't pushed anything on him. His mom, his brother, and his friends all want to say something but none of them have the stones to do so. I feel like they're pushing me to do it because I'm replaceable. She's always going to be his mom, they're always going to be his friends, and he can always get another girlfriend. They want me to do their dirty work and stir the pot.

 

[MrsHouston]

Oh, it can be reversed. Many a men have breathed this big sigh of relief. So, if he can prove he's not the father (legally of course), he doesn't have to be on the hook for anything unless he wants to be.

This is true. He can prove this legally one way or the other with a DNA test.

I probably wouldn't say anything to "Steve" unless the relationship got pretty serious, because I wouldn't want that drama in my marriage or future. I'd feel that's money being taking away from my future kids/house. We'd have to be on the same page and find out the truth before going forward. It would always bother you, especially if it's a concern now.

 

[MzLady78]

1) Why is this thread titled like you know for a fact it isn't his baby?

2) I would not get seriously involved with a man with a child that young.

3) If he knows she was cheating and refuses to get a paternity test, your feelings about this situation are moot. He's decided this kid is his and if it somehow comes out later on that it isn't, well, sorry for him.

 

[Highly Favored8]

OP. Stay out of it. Don't plant any seeds. "Andrea and Steve" would need to work this out on their own.

 

[ashessehsa]

As the potential SO, your best bet (role at this point) is to support him and his decisions regarding the rearing of his child. NOW, when and if the day comes that he questions the paternity of this child, then you take the opportunity to support that too. BUT DO NOT DO IT with contempt for the mother or the child. Twenty years from now he, you, and the child will appreciate this, regardless of what the truth is.

I completely agree. 20 years from now, I don't want to be known as "that B who started a bunch of bs for no reason." I'd much rather still be able to have some sort of cordial relationship with Steve.

 

[LunadeMiel]

If you are considering having a serious relationship with Steve then yes, I would want to know. I would hate to have money coming out of my house for a childn't that doesn't even belong to my husband.

 

[MrsHouston]

I'm not even going to question the OP's motive.

I have a question though for everyone. If this was your brother would you still say it's all good every child needs a father?

I think Steve is a dummy for not proving paternity given the circumstances. However, it's his choice OP, nothing you can do.

I'd be trying to do an Aunt to nephew paternity test. LOL.

Seriously, the OP states even "Steve's" family is too afraid to tell him their concerns, but don't believe the child is his. Mother's (Steve's mom) usually know their grandbabies, jus saying. They might not want to build a relationship on a lie...and that's their choice. However, I'd encourage them to step up to the plate and talk to him, not me!!!

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Listen, that man knows that child aint his.

He KNOWS. He knows it deep deep down and if you keep pushing the issue, hes going to dump you.

On my DHs side of the family his cousins wife had a baby that she claims is his but its not and EVERYBODY knows. His family has told him, he refuses to believe although he HAS to know. She is also sleeping around IN HIS FACE practically and people have shown him evidence and he refuses to acknowledge but trust and believe, he KNOWS.

Its the same with Steve.

I suggest not to rock the boat.

 

[dlewis]

I thought you had to take a paternity test when custody or child support is concerned....no?

No, not true in this area.

 

[shenitab]

This is an interesting situation. I will say that a child does not always look like either of their biological parents. Sometimes they may favor a grandparent or someone else far up the family tree. Whether I said anything or not would probably depend on my relationship with the dude. If you had been involved with him earlier on it would have been easier to say something. But... I think I might say something and see how he reacts to it. However, right now it is solely HIS issue. If I had a guy friend - someone I cared about and was strictly platonic friends with - I would have said something as soon as he told me the chick was pregnant and had been cheating. I probably would have said, "You know they can do a DNA test at the hospital, right?"

The other thing is that you have to take how he reacted to this situation and figure out what it says about his character and how he handles his business. He could have been there for the mother during her pregnancy by providing emotional and some financial support - and still had a DNA test done. The question is, why didn't he? If my son told me his cheating ex was pregnant, I would advise him to get one so that he would know the truth. What he does after that would be up to him.

 

[awhyley]

Wow, yall said stuff that I wasn't even thinking about. But I concur, leave it alone. This could only backfire on you in the end.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

This is an interesting situation. I will say that a child does not always look like either of their biological parents. Sometimes they may favor a grandparent or someone else far up the family tree. Whether I said anything or not would probably depend on my relationship with the dude. If you had been involved with him earlier on it would have been easier to say something. But... I think I might say something and see how he reacts to it. However, right now it is solely HIS issue. If I had a guy friend - someone I cared about and was strictly platonic friends with - I would have said something as soon as he told me the chick was pregnant and had been cheating. I probably would have said, "You know they can do a DNA test at the hospital, right?"

The other thing is that you have to take how he reacted to this situation and figure out what it says about his character and how he handles his business. He could have been there for the mother during her pregnancy by providing emotional and some financial support - and still had a DNA test done. The question is, why didn't he? If my son told me his cheating ex was pregnant, I would advise him to get one so that he would know the truth. What he does after that would be up to him.

My oldest DD looks EXACTLY like my mother. EXACTLY. She has not one feature, characteristic, mannerism, way, or anything that resembles my DH. At ALL. But shes his.

Mama:

My DD:

 

[dlewis]

I agree SF

My son looks just like my husband great uncle. THEY LOOK JUST A LIKE!

My brother's son looks just like my grandfather's brother. So as long as they look like someone, it doesn't worry me.

Also if that man accepts the child as his, I accept the child as his.

We all know men love to take on someone elses child. So he could know and be ok with that.

 

[Browndilocks]

The only time I could see this being an issue is if Steve steps to you and makes it CRYSTAL CLEAR that he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Then and only then would I put it all on the table and let him know what I was thinking... before we go any further. Until then you need to fade to black and leave him and his situation alone completely.

I can understand not wanting to date a guy with a kid - especially one that may or may not be his. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not into sharing my man with kids. But what's done is done and he's not yours anyway. Use that energy into kickin it with someone else.

 

[MrsHouston]

My oldest DD looks EXACTLY like my mother. EXACTLY. She has not one feature, characteristic, mannerism, way, or anything that resembles my DH. At ALL. But shes his.

Mama:

My DD:

Yep.

My youngest ds looks like my father...his (my father) gene TOTALLY skipped me. My aunt even told me one time that she didn't think I was his...the proof is in my child, no question about it. LOL

 

[ebonylocs]

I have a question though for everyone. If this was your brother would you still say it's all good every child needs a father?

A lot of these thread responses can be kind of one-sided. One person starts off with one type of answer - often a kind of judgmental, self-righteous one, and then everyone piles on to the bandwagon. People with a contrary opinion will then often keep their thoughts to themselves.

I'm kind of a "truth above all else" kind of person. If it was a close friend of mine or a brother, I would want him to know (and not because I had anything to gain ) but not to the point of forcing it on him.

Anyhoo OP, I don't think there is any good way to raise this further, any way that's risk free to you. However it turns out, there would be fall-out, drama, bad feelings. As someone else pointed out, you already planted the seed, and he dug it up and gave it back to you. So... You should only pursue this further if you are willing to risk the fall out. If it were me, I would drop it at this point, because I think you already did enough for him to follow through *if he wanted.*

If he continues to feed and take care of the child, eventually, he'll start to look like him.

Girl, you too funny,

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I know this has been stated many times but I'd leave it alone. You may have a domestic situation on your hands. He's probably ignoring the signs because he knows if he knew the truth he would beat the sh^t out of his babymamma. After I saw A Family that Preys and how dude smack the life outta Saana Lathan after she told him their son wasnt his, I'd never underestimate what a man will do once he's been deceived.

And here is the thing about men, once every one knows that he's been made a fool of there is a very very very good chance there will be another lil black boy out here fatherless. Men can bear living a lie if no one knows but when people know (especially his boys) he'll "man up" to even the score.

Don't do it. Its not worth it.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Op, how do you know the baby isn't his??

If you really really really have to just get it out I would just sit him down and pour out your heart to him. There will be no easy way to do it and it may get ugly. Good luck and proceed with great care.

 

[firecracker]

Well screw it just go head on and tell the fool "dude you need a paternity test cuz baby momma was creeping and da baby looks like Charlie Wilson from the Gap Band with out the chicklet teefus"! LOL Ok now that I got that silly **** out who do you think he looks like? LOL