How Open Are You Talking To Your So About Weaves? - Advice Needed

topsyturvy86

topsyturvy86

Well-Known Member
As a bit of background, I wear weaves atm and have done for about 6 years. I'm fully natural and started wearing weaves constantly as it was more manageable as I worked for years in the City and it just seemed more professional (rightly/ wrongly).

I leave out the front bit and straighten daily and it looks very much like my own hair so no one tends to know it's a weave, and I've just gone by not talking about it and letting people assume

So now I started dating this guy recently and on our 2nd date he told me that he loves my hair; I couldn't bring myself to tell him it was a weave >_< , it just seemed too early. He touched my hair often but it was okay as it wasn't the roots

Forward a little bit, we are now seeing each other and he keeps on touching my hair! I always stop him when he starts getting to the roots, but obviously need to address the topic, just not sure how to hence I haven't. I know I shouldn't be so shy about it, but I am (no judgment pls)

He's not black so not aware about weaves so there's no foundation there. + he's from a small town in Germany and hasn't interacted much I would imagine with black people so again no foundation there

Any advice on how best to approach it? and were you comfortable talking about weaves etc with your SO at the beginning of your relationship?

Thnx
 
With past relationships when I wore sew ins I was uncomfortable addressing but I told them early on to get it out of the way :lol:. Usually at the first compliment or touch I go ahead and fess up. I've never had anyone stop dating me after they found out, but I've had them beg me to wear my real hair after they found out which was annoying because I was serial weave wearer. White people are hip to weave these days, so I would just casually mention it when you two get on the topic and go from there.

These days I wear my natural all the time. One thing I'm glad I did in my last relationship was wear my hair natural from the first date. I wore my hair the way I wanted to instead of ‘glammed up' with wigs or weave like I would have done in the past. He adored my natural hair.

Now the relationship before that, my guy met me with a straight weave. After a while I wanted to wear my hair natural and that was hell. All I would hear was, “can you wear your hair straight again? I liked it that way.” So now my rule of thumb is to wear your hair the way it will be worn the duration of the relationship early on when you first meet. Whether that be natural, straightened, weave or whatever.
 
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sorry but it's too soon for him to be touching your hair imo. I especially take offense when yt ppl do it to blacks. It's like they're petting an animal or a foreign object. I don't care how small his town is. This is an age of technology and advancement don't think he doesn't know what a weave is. :lol:
 
sj10460 said:
sorry but it's too soon for him to be touching your hair imo. I especially take offense when yt ppl do it to blacks. It's like they're petting an animal or a foreign object. I don't care how small his town is. This is an age of technology and advancement don't think he doesn't know what a weave is. :lol:
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Why would he know what a weave is?

Unless he dated other weave wearing black woman, I wouldn't expect a man from a place with little or no black people to be exposed to our various hair habits.

Most hetero (even homo) men are not going to research women's hair habits unless it personally affects them.
 
NijaG said:
Why would he know what a weave is?

Unless he dated other weave wearing black woman, I wouldn't expect a man from a place with little or no black people to be exposed to our various hair habits.

Most hetero (even homo) men are not going to research women's hair habits unless it personally affects them.
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because weaves aren't exclusive to blacks. White wear weaves and have been doing so longer than us. They might not call it a weave and/or installation may be different but it's not their natural hair nonetheless.

and what makes you think he's not exposed to black people? in 2016? somehow he found the OP so he's not clueless.
 
I told my husband from the beginning that I used weave, wigs etc and if that was an issue he should bounce now. He had no issue with it. I'm not blessed with beautiful hair so I do what I want to make me feel good. My husband likes my natural hair but I keep it short and I personally like longer hair. I wish I had the hair I see on here.
 
SuchaLady said:
I'm from the team of its none of his business how you wear your hair.
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See nope op has to give some sort of crash course. Whereas a man in the know may play along with op acting like the weave is her hair but still not bother the roots to much, someone who doesn't know will try to stroke her scalp and get his fingers stuck up in something.

In undergrad one of my classmates told me a story about how a dude she was seeing was all in her hair and scalp and next thing you know his finger, or more specifically I think he had a ring on, was caught between her braid base and a track. Said it took like 20 minutes to get loose.
How awkward.
 
^^^ Oh my word, that's hilarious! maybe not at the time though lol. I had a similar thing on Sunday evening (nothing got stuck) but he ran his hand quickly from the bottom of my hair and a track got in the way; I removed his hand quickly but that's when I knew that the topic had to be addressed haha

Thanks ladies; I guess I just have to get it over with and explain what it is and why. Probably after a drink/ two lol

I'm not worried I'll loose him because of it btw, I guess it's just awkward now because it's been a while now and I haven't said anything... if you know what I mean

@sj10460 , he isn't doing it in a derogatory way at all, more in a close/ intimate way. + we met in London which is more diverse; he moved to England not too long ago
 
Towns and villages vary.

I have been to many in the UK where I instantly feel overdressed everywhere I go. No one is wearing heels, no one has nails done, no one has their hair curled. Its the the most basic white people you have ever seen :look: . In those places the guys don't know certain things about many self maintenance procedures because they don't have experience those types of women, even if they want to.

That being said you may just be assuming he doesn't know about extensions/weaves (especially if he's in a city now) and it may just be the case that he thinks yours is real because its well blended. Just tell him ASAP and get it out of the way.
 
When I first met my SO I was wearing a curly weave with leave-out in the front, on the sides and in the back. I told him that it was a weave right away after he made the first comment about liking my hair. We didn't talk anymore about it after that. Now, I wear only my hair and every once in a while I'll wear a half-wig and he makes no comments about it other than "You look nice".
 
NijaG said:
Why would he know what a weave is?

Unless he dated other weave wearing black woman, I wouldn't expect a man from a place with little or no black people to be exposed to our various hair habits.

Most hetero (even homo) men are not going to research women's hair habits unless it personally affects them.
Click to expand...
I'm 100% sure that my (White) brothers don't know anything about weaves.

Just tell him, OP! I'm sure he won't mind. Men are very simple creatures...
 
My friend wore weaves and extensions and she never gave her hair a break because she wanted to please her man. He is European and thought all those years it was her hair. While her own hair was suffering badly. She finally had a breakdown and let him see her hair which was severely damaged. He accepted it but she feels like he is disappointed that her hair is in such bad condition. She wishes she had taken care of her own hair better and that he had just seen her own hair from the start so it would not be such a shock years later.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Jmartjrmd said:
I told my husband from the beginning that I used weave, wigs etc and if that was an issue he should bounce now. He had no issue with it. I'm not blessed with beautiful hair so I do what I want to make me feel good. My husband likes my natural hair but I keep it short and I personally like longer hair. I wish I had the hair I see on here.
Click to expand...

Unless you have some sort of condition. Getting beautiful black hair is not that difficult. My hair will look like a pile of garbage if I do not dc once in a while.
 
Harina said:
Unless you have some sort of condition. Getting beautiful black hair is not that difficult. My hair will look like a pile of garbage if I do not dc once in a while.
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I've tried with all my might and it just hasn't happened. Believe me I've dedicated countless hours to researching and trying to achieve better hair. I've cried many hoours over this hair. If you have suggestions I'm all ears. My problem is my hair is thin and grows Super super slow and unevenly. The back grows the fastest, the front the second and the middle super slow slow leading to uneven slow growth.
I invested in a hair analysis a n d have seen a dermatologist and natural hair stylist where I live to no avail.
I marvel at the gorgeous hair here...it's just not on my head.
I saw a meme once c where someone big chop and in a few months have beautiful long hair and the other big chops and in the same time has barely a puff...yeah I'm the girl with the puff people are laughing at.
 
almond eyes said:
My friend wore weaves and extensions and she never gave her hair a break because she wanted to please her man. He is European and thought all those years it was her hair. While her own hair was suffering badly. She finally had a breakdown and let him see her hair which was severely damaged. He accepted it but she feels like he is disappointed that her hair is in such bad condition. She wishes she had taken care of her own hair better and that he had just seen her own hair from the start so it would not be such a shock years later.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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That's really sad actually. I can't believe she went years without saying anything.. ! I think though that he might have been disappointed not necessarily because her hair is in such bad condition but because she didn't just tell him all along

Hope she was able to take care of her hair and find a style that worked for her eventually
 
Jmartjrmd said:
I've tried with all my might and it just hasn't happened. Believe me I've dedicated countless hours to researching and trying to achieve better hair. I've cried many hoours over this hair. If you have suggestions I'm all ears. My problem is my hair is thin and grows Super super slow and unevenly. The back grows the fastest, the front the second and the middle super slow slow leading to uneven slow growth.
I invested in a hair analysis a n d have seen a dermatologist and natural hair stylist where I live to no avail.
I marvel at the gorgeous hair here...it's just not on my head.
I saw a meme once c where someone big chop and in a few months have beautiful long hair and the other big chops and in the same time has barely a puff...yeah I'm the girl with the puff people are laughing at.
Click to expand...

Are you relaxed/ natural @Jmartjrmd ? and have you tried taking vitamins?
 
topsyturvy86 said:
Are you relaxed/ natural @Jmartjrmd ? and have you tried taking vitamins?
Click to expand...
I've been natural for 7 years. I did take the gnc vitamins for a while. I might try again now that I've cut sugar and processed foods out my diet. Maybe they'll work better with a healthy diet.
Believe me I'd love to rock my hair and burn these wigs forever but my confidence goes way down especially when I read about struggle puffs and struggle ponytails...I don't want that lol. If I could just get a full shoulder length I'd be ecstatic but in 7 years I haven't been able to even get that.....insert really sad face.
 
naturalmanenyc said:
Just tell him you wear extensions. DH asked early on. I was wearing 18" fusion weave without tracks. He wanted to ask me a "personal question" after a few weeks of dating and it ended up being about my hair.
I told him, yes, it was all my hair.....I paid for it. lol
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Lol...that's a cute story.
My husband commented on how he liked my hair and I just blurted out it's a wig so if that bothers you then let me know now because I'm going to use them. He just laughed and said why so hostile lol... looks good on you. I did have an attitude. :look: Hair just frustrates me.
 
topsyturvy86 said:
That's really sad actually. I can't believe she went years without saying anything.. ! I think though that he might have been disappointed not necessarily because her hair is in such bad condition but because she didn't just tell him all along

Hope she was able to take care of her hair and find a style that worked for her eventually
Click to expand...


You are so right, I think he was more disappointed because she didn't say anything all along. And when he saw the condition of her hair because I was there when she decided no more weave, he felt so bad for her because he thought, she never gave her scalp a breather. I really admire him for looking past it, he was more concerned about his wife than her hair. When she transitioned from weaves to wigs (after almost two decades) and one day it was hot outside and she was like its so hot, I said take off your wig and go under the shower and cool down which was new to her. She almost cried at how good it felt to not have anything attached to her head. She even reported to me that when she slept without anything on her head it was the first time she slept straight through. I was getting concerned for her health because she used glue weave for so many years and I noticed her memory was getting bad. I am glad she transitioned to another style but I told her to not use the wig like a weave again. Her husband is always telling her, that its okay she can let go of the wig at home and just use a light hair scarf to cover in case company comes over.

Wigs are her best option because her hair is severely damaged and parts of her hair are permanently gone.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
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