How many baby mamas is too many?

[AnKelly]

And if something happens to the moms of the kids, you all plan to............?

Be a good stepmother and take them in as a last resort. Some may think that what I'm saying sounds cruel, but I am honest with the man I'm dating. Us being married in not written in stone. It is up to him to accept my terms and what I am offering as a potential life mate.

 

[AnKelly]

Are you in a serious rlshp? How does so many kids affect him financially?

Right now, we both want marriage and we both are exclusive with one another, but the extent of our seriousness is based upon us getting to know one another better. We both have trust issues and are still strangers in some areas. He pays child support. He works two jobs. He got behind on some of his support because he was laid off for a period longer than four months. He is financially taxed which is why he is planning to go back to school for his Bachelor's in nursing. At my suggestion, he knows he needs more education in order to secure me as a potential life mate. I do not seek an education to take care of my needs, my son's needs, and his children. His children, though they are lovely, are soley his responsibility, which I have made him well aware of and he is very much okay with my feelings on the matter.

 

[meesch]

Well, several of my female friends have described my boyfriend's past as promiscuous, but when I look at their lives, I realize they too have had their fair share of sex partners, even though they have no children. I don't judge him because I too am no complete angel, but I wouldn't consider myself promiscuous either. His unions in which he had children were with women he'd known for years or grew up with. He was exclusive with each one which resulted in a child or children. He would have preferred marriage, but it just didn't work out that way. The women he was with didn't care about having children out of wedlock, but he knows that I'm slightly old-fashioned and won't even consider it. We both agreed upon using protection at first and now we've decided to practice celibacy. He admits to having been "stupid" in the past, but I believe his experiences and his interpretations of my views on the matter helps him see things differently. His past did concern me, but once I got a chance to meet his family and understand the ways in which he was brought up, I understand how those factors could aid in him having his children. He loves his children dearly, but he does admit, that if he could do it all over again, he'd have neither without marriage first.

 

[HoneyLove]

HoneyLove
You want the child to lose his/her mother?

She's already lost.

 

[Avyn]

She's already lost.

Hahahaha! ...........

 

[Kindheart]

i choosed to date men without children ,apart from one who I was helplessly attracted to and he had well 1 and 2 Hidden .LOL
My hubby had a clean slate .

 

[UrbainChic]

One is too many.

And I am saying this and seeing a difference between a baby momma and an ex wife ( i don't care if anyone wants to say i'm judging) and the difference I see is not a reflection on the woman, but on the man. As in, in once scenario either the child was planned or he saw it as his duty to try to provide a stable home, and in another he shrugged his shoulders and let the brunt of the responsibility fall upon the woman.

In general I prefer a man with no kids, but as I get older I MAY allow for children of divorce, but not necessarily.

There are also circumstances you dont expect. A few years ago I thought I had everything figured out about my "rules" and dating men with children and/or baby mamas. Then when i was 26/27 ( i dont remember exactly) I met a very nice 35 year old man. He was well traveled, lived independently in a nice neighborhood, creative, smart, and kind. He told me a little over one month into dating ( I think waiting that long in itself should have been a red flag) that he had a daughter, and that she was turning 16! He had her when he was 19, and was in the middle of fighting with her mother about her sweet sixteen expenses.

I didn't know what to think because one of my major arguments about no kids was that they required parenting but this girl was nearly grown, and did not live with him, I know she would not have the same kind of demands a younger child would have but meanwhile I was questioning what kind of financial situation he would be in in the next few years when she goes off to college. I didn't fault him for not necessarily wanting to settle down with this woman when he was 19, but the whole situation really confused me and stressed me out.I spent a lot of time worried about how an older child would receive me. I even consulted with my parents about whether to stay or go etc. And they gave me a lot to think about. I ended up never meeting the daughter, and the whole thing fell apart for other reasons. But it was a lot to think about.

I still don't know what I would do if I found myself in a similar situation again.

But OP 4 Baby Mamas is way too many. Not only 4 children but 4 separate mothers coming around with requests? No sir. Don't do it to yourself.

 

[Raspberry]

One is too many.

And I am saying this and seeing a difference between a baby momma and an ex wife ( i don't care if anyone wants to say i'm judging) and the difference I see is not a reflection on the woman, but on the man. As in, in once scenario either the child was planned or he saw it as his duty to try to provide a stable home, and in another he shrugged his shoulders and let the brunt of the responsibility fall upon the woman.

I agree, and seems to me that interactions with an ex-wife vs. a baby mama are a little different because the majority of divorces are initiated by the woman or are mutual. The ex-wife is coming from a place of power because she had a legal commitment with the guy but chose to sever it. That's different than a woman who never had that legal commitment and may harbor resentment over seeing her children's father marry someone else, even if she doesn't technically want him anymore.

 

[deltagyrl]

This is what I'm thinking too. I am in my 30s and there are great guys in my age range that have children. I feel like I need to relax my standards on this. I really wanted my first child to be the first child for me and my future dh. I'm starting to think this is an unreasonable standard at my age.

Awww, I don't think its unreasonable. I am divorced with children. Guess who I keep meeting/dating? Professional (read: college educated) men with NO kids.
I've ended two relationships because they wanted to marry and I knew that I didn't want anymore.
I'm now torn between two guys. One with children, one without. The childless guy has decided that he doesn't have to have children.
Go figure.

They are out there. Don't relax your standards...

 

[Avyn]

Awww, I don't think its unreasonable. I am divorced with children. Guess who I keep meeting/dating? Professional (read: college educated) men with NO kids.
I've ended two relationships because they wanted to marry and I knew that I didn't want anymore.
I'm now torn between two guys. One with children, one without. The childless guy has decided that he doesn't have to have children.
Go figure.

They are out there. Don't relax your standards...

Keep hope alive? okay...pickins is gettin slim though! Imma have to be more consistent w/ my LOA visualizations and positive affirmations and prayers and manifest one.

 

[Renewed1]

Agreed. I've seen situations were the children came first after he WIFED a friend of mine.

One baby mama is way too many. I'm dating for marriage and I do understand not all baby mamas are "drama".

But I don't like the thought, I have to extend my "family" (me, hubby, child and baby mama) and take the time and patience to deal with two (or more) extra people.

AND my hubby finances will spread thin.....

Personally, I never been married and I don't have any kids. I feel I can attracted a man with the same qualities. All I need is ONE man that meet my prerequisite.

One is too many.

Didnt mind before because I was dating and having fun knowing & didnt care.

When you get older and start dating for marriage, its a strong NO. Its too much to deal with. I'd rather be single. Cause thats how you gonna feel anyway..coming LAST after the rest of the them.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

Ladies there are men in 33-45 range with no children and never been married. One of my best male friends is 39 no children and women look at him like there is something wrong with him. He just can't win. It's tough for men too,so I hear. The men I encounter complain about their pickings being slim with women and their several baby daddies and drama filled dating.

Hmm. This reminds me,I better start sending out invites to my Annual Lonely hearts dinner for Valentines day weekend. I've made a few couples from this event.

 

[greenandchic]

Ladies there are men in 33-45 range with no children and never been married. One of my best male friends is 39 no children and women look at him like there is something wrong with him. He just can't win. It's tough for men too,so I hear. The men I encounter complain about their pickings being slim with women and their several baby daddies and drama filled dating.

Hmm. This reminds me,I better start sending out invites to my Annual Lonely hearts dinner for Valentines day weekend. I've made a few couples from this event.

I know a guy who's 52, divorced, but no children and a 46 year old guy never married and no kids. Childless/free by choice. There are thoughtful men out there.

 

[MizzBrown]

I know a guy who's 52, divorced, but no children and a 46 year old guy never married and no kids. Childless/free by choice. There are thoughtful men out there.

I get really tired of women complaining about everything. You want a man with no kids, no baggage and then when you find one, you immediately think something is wrong with him.

Aint nothing wrong with him! He was thoughtful enough to use protection and not settle and marry someone "just cause".

As many single, childless women on this board who are in their 40' + never married and no children, why arent they looked at the same way?

Yall dont give the same side-eye to women? Why not? You should! There's more black women in this predicament than men anyway.

 

[MizzBrown]

Oh and I know I'm getting older so I will take an ex-WIFE over a baby mama.

There is a HUGE difference. So long as that child they had is damn near 18.

 

[Raspberry]

As many single, childless women on this board who are in their 40' + never married and no children, why arent they looked at the same way?

Yall dont give the same side-eye to women? Why not? You should! There's more black women in this predicament than men anyway.

Honestly in real life I know very few black women who fit this description - 1-2 maybe. Most black women I've known who are in their 40s and never married have children and oftentimes they were the result of some relationsionshihp that went on 5+ years without a ring. And of course there are ton of divorcees...

 

[deltadreamland]

The man that I'm seeing has 2 "mothers of his children" (I hate the phrase "baby mama" and "baby daddy"). He has 3 children (2 older sons and a daughter), ages 19, 17, and 8. He was married to both mothers and of course he is now divorced. His oldest sons are practically on their way to being grown men so I don't see them nor their mother as being an issue. His little girl is the love of his life and her mother has been a thorn in his side according to him, but I'm assuming he has that all under control as best as he can at this point. If an issue ever arises with her, I have no doubts that he will handle the situation with her; not me.

I am what most would call a baby mama and I have never given my son's father a day of trouble in his personal life since the day we parted and have no desire to do so. According to the guy I'm seeing, I'm every "baby daddy's" dream "baby mama", because of the peaceful and drama free way that I deal with my son's father.

 

[sunnydaze]

Awww, I don't think its unreasonable. I am divorced with children. Guess who I keep meeting/dating? Professional (read: college educated) men with NO kids.
I've ended two relationships because they wanted to marry and I knew that I didn't want anymore.
I'm now torn between two guys. One with children, one without. The childless guy has decided that he doesn't have to have children.
Go figure.

They are out there. Don't relax your standards...

This. The last couple guys who have shown me interest have been around my age and childless. Looking back, I don't think I have ever been approached by a man who turned out having more than one child.

Also, I feel your comment about ending relationships b/c you didn't want any more children..I could see something like that happening to me. That's the chance an older (ie 35+) guy takes being interested in an older woman who has had kids already..there's a good chance we are done..and he is just now wanting to get started.

 

[FlyyBohemian]

Ladies there are men in 33-45 range with no children and never been married. One of my best male friends is 39 no children and women look at him like there is something wrong with him. He just can't win. It's tough for men too,so I hear. The men I encounter complain about their pickings being slim with women and their several baby daddies and drama filled dating.

Hmm. This reminds me,I better start sending out invites to my Annual Lonely hearts dinner for Valentines day weekend. I've made a few couples from this event.

Annual Lonely Hearts Dinner...That's ingenious!

 

[hopeful]

The man that I'm seeing has 2 "mothers of his children" (I hate the phrase "baby mama" and "baby daddy"). He has 3 children (2 older sons and a daughter), ages 19, 17, and 8. He was married to both mothers and of course he is now divorced. His oldest sons are practically on their way to being grown men so I don't see them nor their mother as being an issue. His little girl is the love of his life and her mother has been a thorn in his side according to him, but I'm assuming he has that all under control as best as he can at this point. If an issue ever arises with her, I have no doubts that he will handle the situation with her; not me.

I am what most would call a baby mama and I have never given my son's father a day of trouble in his personal life since the day we parted and have no desire to do so. According to the guy I'm seeing, I'm every "baby daddy's" dream "baby mama", because of the peaceful and drama free way that I deal with my son's father.

Your guy doesn't have baby mamas anyway, he has two ex-wives which is better IMO. However, the statistics are really bad for third marriages, only about a quarter last, divorce rate is very high.

 

[deltadreamland]

Your guy doesn't have baby mamas anyway, he has two ex-wives which is better IMO. However, the statistics are really bad for third marriages, only about a quarter last, divorce rate is very high.

If we decide to go down that road, I would hope and pray that we would be in that small percentage that makes it.

 

[sexyphoenix88]

Honestly, i REFUSE to date a man with ANY kids anymore. I used to, but must be somthing in the water in SC. 1st serious relationship with a guy with a kid, had a CRAZY baby mom that used to stalk us! Call my job, post up outside our house. Final straw she keyed my car then ran off when i went to beat her ***! He never did anything for his child, but because she was sleeping with everybody when they were together so he just denied it. When i had enough of all the craziness I demanded he get a DNA test so he can know whether he needs to man up or tell her to get lost. Come to find out- it was his. So BYE! Not about to be with me and take money from OUR household to take care of that woman who to this day i'm waiting to stomp. SECOND GUY- we start dating, and he decides to wait until we been together a few months to tell me his Ex girlfriend is pregnant LOL.. got everybody looking at me like i'm this horrible homewrecker. Even after that, we still talked because they weren't together but he still wanted to be there for his child. But, end of the day I'm not about to be selfish and keep you from attending doctor appointments and looking after your kid, but i'm NOT down with sharing attention and being left out. So now, its very important to me that my first kid (I don't have any) is also with someone who its their first..

 

[AnKelly]

Honestly, i REFUSE to date a man with ANY kids anymore. I used to, but must be somthing in the water in SC. 1st serious relationship with a guy with a kid, had a CRAZY baby mom that used to stalk us! Call my job, post up outside our house. Final straw she keyed my car then ran off when i went to beat her ***! He never did anything for his child, but because she was sleeping with everybody when they were together so he just denied it. When i had enough of all the craziness I demanded he get a DNA test so he can know whether he needs to man up or tell her to get lost. Come to find out- it was his. So BYE! Not about to be with me and take money from OUR household to take care of that woman who to this day i'm waiting to stomp. SECOND GUY- we start dating, and he decides to wait until we been together a few months to tell me his Ex girlfriend is pregnant LOL.. got everybody looking at me like i'm this horrible homewrecker. Even after that, we still talked because they weren't together but he still wanted to be there for his child. But, end of the day I'm not about to be selfish and keep you from attending doctor appointments and looking after your kid, but i'm NOT down with sharing attention and being left out. So now, its very important to me that my first kid (I don't have any) is also with someone who its their first..

After reading this, I can't even blame you. These experiences will definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth about dating men with children. That's terrible, but what I've always wondered is...why does the insane ex key the new woman's car, if she's suppose to be mad at the father of her child? Why won't she just key his car. I've had my car keyed from dealing with a guy in the past who had a offbeat ex. She loved to harrass me and wouldn't do a thing to him. That always puzzled me especially since I didn't know her and she didn't know me.

 

[sexyphoenix88]

AnKelly- thats what i wonder too? lol.. it just made her look simple because i'm the one pushing him to take the test and take responsibility.. if it hadn't been for me he would have kept dipping and dodging. yes its sad you have to make someone man up, but she needed to woman up. I can only rack it up to jealousy.

 

[AnKelly]

I have an update to make. Even though I enjoyed the good times of what my fella and I had, we have officially broke up. He started making offbeat comments about how I should be more inclusive of his children in my financial planning. Hint..Hint - Not good! I informed him, that I'm going back for my MBA/JD to put my son through school and my son ONLY!! My son is only 4 and he has a 16 and 15 year old that are talking about attending college prep classes. That's good and all but I'm not going to help him and their mothers with the expenses. My fella thinks that I'm being stingy with my ideas on money. I told him, I didn't major in accounting to become a fool with my hard earned money. His financial map for his children should be an expense covered by him and the other parent entirely! Since we agree to disagree, we had to part ways. I'm actually quite relieved. I liked him, but not that much

 

[BrandNew]

How about 1. I know I wouldn't be able to deal with a man with kids.

 

[AnKelly]

How about 1. I know I wouldn't be able to deal with a man with kids.

I feel you. I believe this relationship tested my level of calmness and acceptance. This man had 6 kids. I think most women wouldn't care so long as they saw a man taking care of his financial business on all aspects without seeking anything from the woman. But these men are trying to be slick nowadays.

 

[aribell]

As many single, childless women on this board who are in their 40' + never married and no children, why arent they looked at the same way?

Yall dont give the same side-eye to women? Why not? You should! There's more black women in this predicament than men anyway.

I think women get side-eyed for this all the time. I'm not even 30 and the first question some people ask me is whether I have any kids (not whether I'm married or even committed to someone). And when I say no, it's "Why not?" erplexed

Honestly in real life I know very few black women who fit this description - 1-2 maybe. Most black women I've known who are in their 40s and never married have children and oftentimes they were the result of some relationsionshihp that went on 5+ years without a ring. And of course there are ton of divorcees...

I agree. The number of women who stay in super longterm relationships is often not taken into consideration.
________________________________

Regarding the op, yes, 1 bm is too many, but of course if it was in youth and he is a different person now, I could consider it, I suppose. I also don't count an ex wife as a baby mama, but I would prefer that he have custody of the kids if that's the case. Also, if he is a bd, but has custody, I would be more open to considering that. It's not the kid(s) that would bother me, but the level of control exerted by the bm or exwife that would be the dealbreaker.

 

[Avyn]

I have an update to make. Even though I enjoyed the good times of what my fella and I had, we have officially broke up. He started making offbeat comments about how I should be more inclusive of his children in my financial planning. Hint..Hint - Not good! I informed him, that I'm going back for my MBA/JD to put my son through school and my son ONLY!! My son is only 4 and he has a 16 and 15 year old that are talking about attending college prep classes. That's good and all but I'm not going to help him and their mothers with the expenses. My fella thinks that I'm being stingy with my ideas on money. I told him, I didn't major in accounting to become a fool with my hard earned money. His financial map for his children should be an expense covered by him and the other parent entirely! Since we agree to disagree, we had to part ways. I'm actually quite relieved. I liked him, but not that much

Wow! His expectations are waaaaayyyyy off (ridiculous actually)! I'm glad you stuck to your guns and are doing what's best for you and your little one.

 

[beans08]

One for me, I wouldn't have dated a man with children.