How important is a man's career? Am I being superficial?

[misskris816]

Hi Ladies -

How much of a factor has a man's career (or lack thereof) played in your decision to stay together? Can you really have it all?

By most standards, I am considered successful. (Background info only: I received my Masters degree and bought my first home at the age of 22. Now at the age of 29, I've held two well paying positions at two corporate headquarters of two well-known companies.)

I've always pictured myself marrying a successful man with a white collar position. 6 months ago, I met the nicest guy...he is 29 also. He had been a traveling bartender for 8 years in the Caribbean and Martha's Vineyard, but recently moved back home due to his mother being sick. He's now selling cars.)

I've never met anyone so attentive and sweet (almost too much sometimes). Now that we've been exclusive for 6 months, I'm starting to question if we should stay together or break up. Even though he's great with me emotionally, I can't seem to get past the fact that he doesn't have a career path. He talks about going to school to be a radiology tech, but that would be at least 2 years until he finishes, assuming he starts school right away.

I talked to my mom about it and she thinks I'd be making the wrong decision and should stick by him. At this point in my life, I don't want to be the emotional support while a man finds his career. I've been there and done that for myself. On the other hand, I'm afraid of breaking up with someone who treats me well since I've never had that before...but I can't seem to shake the desire of wanting to be with a more successful man.
Does emotional support trump success, or can you really have it all?

Any advice or discussion would be appreciated!

 

[shenitab]

I know some carsalesmen who are very successful. They are good at what they do and bring in the dough? Are you comfortable with the amount of money that dude is making right now? Is the amount of money the problem or his job title? Is he always employed or sometimes employed? Are you afraid of what other people will say? What is your fear in regards to this situation?

 

[FoxxyLocs]

His ability to provide and my confidence that he can take care of me and our family if we need him to matters a lot to me. Job title is not as important. Is he a good salesman? Hard worker? Making enough to take care of himself and contribute to the household savings? Can/will he find another job if he loses this one or needs more income? Is he good with his finances or willing to let me help with money management? A man doesn't necessarily have to make more than me, but he can't be a burden to me either.

 

[misskris816]

I know some carsalesmen who are very successful. They are good at what they do and bring in the dough? Are you comfortable with the amount of money that dude is making right now? Is the amount of money the problem or his job title? Is he always employed or sometimes employed? Are you afraid of what other people will say? What is your fear in regards to this situation?

He's only been doing it for 3 months, and it's been pretty slow. (The 3 months prior to that, he was still bartending). I'm not afraid of what people will say, I'm afraid of him not having a career path. And the one he wants is 2+ years away. My worry is that I have to wait 2 years to see if he can be a provider.I don't need him to make more money than I do, but I'd like to know that he can hold down the fort if we ever had children, I lost my job, etc...

 

[Ladybug33]

I'm interested in hearing the responses to this. I've been in a simialar situation.

 

[misskris816]

His ability to provide and my confidence that he can take care of me and our family if we need him to matters a lot to me. Job title is not as important. Is he a good salesman? Hard worker? Making enough to take care of himself and contribute to the household savings? Can/will he find another job if he loses this one or needs more income? Is he good with his finances or willing to let me help with money management? A man doesn't necessarily have to make more than me, but he can't be a burden to me either.

The bolded is exactly how I feel (even though we aren't at that point of having a family).
When we met, he was living at home with his mom and didn't have a car. At the time, I didn't think much of it since he had just moved back from the Caribbean. I bought a new car 2 months ago and he's now paying me for my old car. I'm just starting to feel like I'm helping him pull himself up...and in a way, I am. There's a big part of me that wants a man who is ready to come up to the table, ready to play. Instead, I feel like I'm giving him some of my chips so he can play too.

 

[mallysmommy]

is he showing initiative or is he just talking about what he would like to do? is it just his title or are you really concerned about the amount of money he will be able to contribute? those would be my questions. if he is making an honest effort in his life and will we be okay with what he brings in coupled with what i bring in. im at a point in my life where how a man treats me is more important than other factors. ive been with wealthy emotionally detatched arseholes who treated me like crap/property. though they were "balling" i was miserable.

 

[faithVA]

If he were to become a radiology tech in 2 years would that be satisfying for you?

And if in 2 years, you didn't meet a man that was similar would you be wishing that you had stuck this out. In other words, Do you feel like you would rather be looking for someone in 2 years that does meet your requirements vs. hanging around for this guy?

Sometimes we think some timeframe is a longtime. That time is going to past 1 way or the other. What will you have at the end of it?

Why did he decide to sell cars instead of bartend? Just curious. Bartenders usually keep jobs.

 

[misskris816]

is he showing initiative or is he just talking about what he would like to do? is it just his title or are you really concerned about the amount of money he will be able to contribute? those would be my questions. if he is making an honest effort in his life and will we be okay with what he brings in coupled with what i bring in. im at a point in my life where how a man treats me is more important than other factors. ive been with wealthy emotionally detatched arseholes who treated me like crap/property. though they were "balling" i was miserable.

He mentioned the radiology tech program when we first got together (6 months ago) and still nothing has happened. This makes me feel like he's just talking. Now, he's talking about going back to bartending so he'll have more time to go to school. I'm taking it with a grain of salt since I haven't seen movement yet.

See, I've dated successful arseholes too, which is why I decided to try something different and just be with someone who treated me well. I'm learning, there are issues with that too.

Is it impossible to find a successful man who is nice? It couldn't be impossible, but for me, it was difficult. There is where my dilemma comes in.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

The bolded is exactly how I feel (even though we aren't at that point of having a family).
When we met, he was living at home with his mom and didn't have a car. At the time, I didn't think much of it since he had just moved back from the Caribbean. I bought a new car 2 months ago and he's now paying me for my old car. I'm just starting to feel like I'm helping him pull himself up...and in a way, I am. There's a big part of me that wants a man who is ready to come up to the table, ready to play. Instead, I feel like I'm giving him some of my chips so he can play too.

Run for da gotdayum hills. he's a liability, not an asset. you'll be breastfeedin dis bama til he "gets on his feet" and if u do, you'll be sorry. trust me on this one.

let's just say you run a flat tire on your car. minor example. could he afford to replace that one tire? i know u prolly got a warranty on it, but i'm sayin. he's very attentive to you because u got it goin on and he can benefit. you already got him payin you for YOUR car. honestly, in my opinion, a real man would have went out and got his own car, not get one from his girl, then have to pay her for it. so what happens if he stops paying you? do you repossess it? chile puleez...

i don't believe in helpin a man get to where he needs to be. bartending and selling cars is not a career move. he'd have to take a series of exams to get a license to sell cars in order to make the money that he wants.

he can't do anything for you right now as far as I'm concerned. you can keep him around til you find something better, but u can't make no home with him if ur looking at it from a financial/stability stand point.

if u get laid off now, can he move in and make things happen? do you know how many cars he would have to sell to pay ur bills? he'd hafta clear da whole lot and den some! and don't forget, still pay u for the car u sold to him.

never compromise urself for anyone. damn dat.

 

[misskris816]

If he were to become a radiology tech in 2 years would that be satisfying for you?

And if in 2 years, you didn't meet a man that was similar would you be wishing that you had stuck this out. In other words, Do you feel like you would rather be looking for someone in 2 years that does meet your requirements vs. hanging around for this guy?

Sometimes we think some timeframe is a longtime. That time is going to past 1 way or the other. What will you have at the end of it?

Why did he decide to sell cars instead of bartend? Just curious. Bartenders usually keep jobs.

And if in 2 years, you didn't meet a man that was similar would you be wishing that you had stuck this out. In other words, Do you feel like you would rather be looking for someone in 2 years that does meet your requirements vs. hanging around for this guy?

I would rather be single and waiting on a man who met my needs rather than being in relationship that I'm not 100% sure about.

Sometimes we think some timeframe is a longtime. That time is going to past 1 way or the other. What will you have at the end of it?

Very excellent point.

Why did he decide to sell cars instead of bartend? Just curious. Bartenders usually keep jobs.

He wanted to get out of bartending because he knew I wasn't thrilled on being with a bartender. And then his Mom came into the bar on her birthday and he had a birthday shot with her (which you're not supposed to do), and got fired.

 

[LiftedUp]

It's very important to me. Educational background, ambition and career.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

He mentioned the radiology tech program when we first got together (6 months ago) and still nothing has happened. This makes me feel like he's just talking. Now, he's talking about going back to bartending so he'll have more time to go to school. I'm taking it with a grain of salt since I haven't seen movement yet.

See, I've dated successful arseholes too, which is why I decided to try something different and just be with someone who treated me well. I'm learning, there are issues with that too.

Is it impossible to find a successful man who is nice? It couldn't be impossible, but for me, it was difficult. There is where my dilemma comes in.

and guess what? it's never going to happen. i'm sorry but this is a very touchy subject for me. i'm not a fan of women helpin men be on some come up type status. he doesn't have a plan and i believe he's using you to try to get ahead. i could be wrong but i'm just sayin.

you want someone to treat u well, i understand that, but i think from what you've posted, you've done a damn good job of treating yourself well, so why should you settle for less? No woman should settle for less, i don't care how well he treats you or how well he's sexin u in da bedroom cuz guess what? once u get dat nut and roll ova and look at him, while he's layin der wif his thumb in his mouth in da fetal position, he's still a car salesman/bartender with no plan. layin in ur bed that you paid for, driving the car that he got on layaway witchu.

now, when you say treat you well, does he take you to nice restaurants via reservations, shows, movies? didn't think so. like i said, he'd hafta clear da whole damn car lot to do so. he's sandwich short of a picnic shuga....

you've invested years in an education, purchased assets, etc., the whole nine. why let some guy who just landed on US soil, who doesn't have it together benefit from it just for the sake of sayin.."well, he treats me well".

there are plenty of men who have it going on who is on your level and can treat you well. what i'm saying is, don't settle. you shouldn't have too. you didn't settle when you took that job and negotiated your salary, so you shouldn't settle for this guy. he's a waste of ur time and hasn't even started to get ready to get ready to get on your level.

 

[faithVA]

I would rather be single and waiting on a man who met my needs rather than being in relationship that I'm not 100% sure about.

Very excellent point.




He wanted to get out of bartending because he knew I wasn't thrilled on being with a bartender. And then his Mom came into the bar on her birthday and he had a birthday shot with her (which you're not supposed to do), and got fired.

You have made your decision. You just need to make it happen. You know what's right for you already

 

[FoxxyLocs]

With the added info, I'd say no to him. If he hasn't made a move in 6 months, he's not serious. I think you are right to expect him to be more established.

 

[Lymegreen]

I would rather be single and waiting on a man who met my needs rather than being in relationship that I'm not 100% sure about.

You took the words right out of my mouth. Something about the information you provided (albeit one sided) really alarms me.

And you know what? Your side is the only side that matters in this issue.

Be true to yourself. If you'd rather be alone and wait for Mr. Right then do so and know that you made your best decision.

You are not a bad person if you leave or stay but something tells me you want to leave and I don't think you will regret it.

 

[cutiebe2]

A man doesn't have to have a certain degree or salary to be a good match, just ambition. People become successful doing many different things and sometimes you have to stick by them during the rough times even when people tell you they won't be anything.

That being said. Alarms go off when I hear a man has been chilling in the Caribbean for 8 years, bartending, without any goals and now has returned to the US without any goal. Does he want to sell cars? Did he even want to bartend or was that just a job to do? I get the feeling he is content where he is and may never exactly find his path.

If you had told me he is a bartender who is saving up to open his own bar and has XYZ goals that he is working hard t accomplish, it would be different

 

[Ladybug33]

and guess what? it's never going to happen. i'm sorry but this is a very touchy subject for me. i'm not a fan of women helpin men be on some come up type status. he doesn't have a plan and i believe he's using you to try to get ahead. i could be wrong but i'm just sayin.

you want someone to treat u well, i understand that, but i think from what you've posted, you've done a damn good job of treating yourself well, so why should you settle for less? No woman should settle for less, i don't care how well he treats you or how well he's sexin u in da bedroom cuz guess what? once u get dat nut and roll ova and look at him, while he's layin der wif his thumb in his mouth in da fetal position, he's still a car salesman/bartender with no plan. layin in ur bed that you paid for, driving the car that he got on layaway witchu.

now, when you say treat you well, does he take you to nice restaurants via reservations, shows, movies? didn't think so. like i said, he'd hafta clear da whole damn car lot to do so. he's sandwich short of a picnic shuga....

you've invested years in an education, purchased assets, etc., the whole nine. why let some guy who just landed on US soil, who doesn't have it together benefit from it just for the sake of sayin.."well, he treats me well".

there are plenty of men who have it going on who is on your level and can treat you well. what i'm saying is, don't settle. you shouldn't have too. you didn't settle when you took that job and negotiated your salary, so you shouldn't settle for this guy. he's a waste of ur time and hasn't even started to get ready to get ready to get on your level.

Wow!!! Thanks isn't nearly enough. Well said.

 

[misskris816]

and guess what? it's never going to happen. i'm sorry but this is a very touchy subject for me. i'm not a fan of women helpin men be on some come up type status. he doesn't have a plan and i believe he's using you to try to get ahead. i could be wrong but i'm just sayin.

you want someone to treat u well, i understand that, but i think from what you've posted, you've done a damn good job of treating yourself well, so why should you settle for less? No woman should settle for less, i don't care how well he treats you or how well he's sexin u in da bedroom cuz guess what? once u get dat nut and roll ova and look at him, while he's layin der wif his thumb in his mouth in da fetal position, he's still a car salesman/bartender with no plan. layin in ur bed that you paid for, driving the car that he got on layaway witchu.

now, when you say treat you well, does he take you to nice restaurants via reservations, shows, movies? didn't think so. like i said, he'd hafta clear da whole damn car lot to do so. he's sandwich short of a picnic shuga....

you've invested years in an education, purchased assets, etc., the whole nine. why let some guy who just landed on US soil, who doesn't have it together benefit from it just for the sake of sayin.."well, he treats me well".

there are plenty of men who have it going on who is on your level and can treat you well. what i'm saying is, don't settle. you shouldn't have too. you didn't settle when you took that job and negotiated your salary, so you shouldn't settle for this guy. he's a waste of ur time and hasn't even started to get ready to get ready to get on your level.

You know what...you're spot on. And your delivery is wonderful!

 

[misskris816]

A man doesn't have to have a certain degree or salary to be a good match, just ambition. People become successful doing many different things and sometimes you have to stick by them during the rough times even when people tell you they won't be anything.

That being said. Alarms go off when I hear a man has been chilling in the Caribbean for 8 years, bartending, without any goals and now has returned to the US without any goal. Does he want to sell cars? Did he even want to bartend or was that just a job to do? I get the feeling he is content where he is and may never exactly find his path.

If you had told me he is a bartender who is saving up to open his own bar and has XYZ goals that he is working hard t accomplish, it would be different

He used to sell mortgages for 3 years and then decided he wanted to travel, so he quit his job and went to the Caribbean (St.John) and became a bartender. If it weren't for his mom getting sick, he'd be down there right now, pouring drinks. We want 2 different things, I'm realizing.

 

[ThickHair]

once u get dat nut and roll ova and look at him, while he's layin der wif his thumb in his mouth in da fetal position, he's still a car salesman/bartender with no plan. layin in ur bed that you paid for, driving the car that he got on layaway witchu.

Girl, you never EVER let me down.

 

[Naveah2050]

and guess what? it's never going to happen. i'm sorry but this is a very touchy subject for me. i'm not a fan of women helpin men be on some come up type status. he doesn't have a plan and i believe he's using you to try to get ahead. i could be wrong but i'm just sayin.

you want someone to treat u well, i understand that, but i think from what you've posted, you've done a damn good job of treating yourself well, so why should you settle for less? No woman should settle for less, i don't care how well he treats you or how well he's sexin u in da bedroom cuz guess what? once u get dat nut and roll ova and look at him, while he's layin der wif his thumb in his mouth in da fetal position, he's still a car salesman/bartender with no plan. layin in ur bed that you paid for, driving the car that he got on layaway witchu.

now, when you say treat you well, does he take you to nice restaurants via reservations, shows, movies? didn't think so. like i said, he'd hafta clear da whole damn car lot to do so. he's sandwich short of a picnic shuga....

you've invested years in an education, purchased assets, etc., the whole nine. why let some guy who just landed on US soil, who doesn't have it together benefit from it just for the sake of sayin.."well, he treats me well".

there are plenty of men who have it going on who is on your level and can treat you well. what i'm saying is, don't settle. you shouldn't have too. you didn't settle when you took that job and negotiated your salary, so you shouldn't settle for this guy. he's a waste of ur time and hasn't even started to get ready to get ready to get on your level.

Excellent points!

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

I'm sorry, if I missed this but wait. If he's selling cars, why does he have to rent to own yours? I know you didn't say it was his cars he was selling but...is there no employee incentive to purchase from the lot he works for? Do they not trust him/he doesn't have the credit/collateral?

ETA: He got fired from bartending because he had a shot with his mom, which you aren't supposed to do? Girl, no, hell nah. Between that and the part about talking about going to school for 6 months without moving towards it (is he saving money, applying for financial aid? Pamphlets? Anything?), I would say no. People have temporary parts of life where they have to do what they have to do and that's why the idea of looking down on someone because of a job can be shortsighted. But you can tell the difference between people who are working towards something and people who aren't moving at all when they don't take anything seriously. I won't say that it's not possible that someone working as a bartender without a car can ever be a provider. But he didn't even take that seriously. What if you were pregnant and yall were married (I know you are successful in your own right, but let's say you didn't have savings and temporarily couldn't work) and he gets fired for taking a damn shot? No sir.

 

[Bublin]

This why I have been single for so long.

I am not going to settle for someone who made lax choices in their career life, just because they are sweet and nice to me.

At the age of 20 I decided on my career and am still in it. I work hard, I own my house with lots of equity in it, live a nice life AND i'm a single mother to boot. The man I meet has to match what I have got or more. I do not want another child in my life.
Like JerseyGirl said, I would find myself resenting or loathing him when he is lying in my bed, wanting to give me hugs, telling me about how wonderful I am all the while knowing that if we go out I will have to pay OR our nights out will have to be nights in.

I get mad because so many men these days talking about Gold Diggers. They are the diggers and they better find someone else to use their spade on.

I've seen a couple of friends do this and life is a struggle and a mess. Yes, their husbands and very loyal and loving but all they good for is babysitting whilst their wife is at work. I constantly hear the husbands talking about get-rich-quick-schemes. I guess they like the outward appearance of that ring on the finger.

Oh and yes, I'm being honest I would feel embarrased introducing him to my family/friends/colleagues....all of whom have good jobs. It's just not a good match for me.

 

[nappyeditor]

My biggest issue with this guy is him getting fired for taking a shot. It smacks of irresponsibility and I've seen enough to know that doesn't change overnight.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

misskris816 -- if your car that he has on layaway with you is still in your name (registration, insurance, etc.) make sure you get it out of your name. das all u need is for dis bama to get into an accident, then it's a wrap.

 

[CarLiTa]

I'm curious, how does it get to the point of dating someone whom you do not feel is compatible on these basic levels?

I've read a few stories on here about situations like this one, and similar scenarios are quoted in theoretical love and relationship stories. But I'm just wondering... How does it happen that people are trying to make decisions about whether to stay with someone who doesn't meet their requirements after they've invested their heart with that person for several months...

It seems a much more difficult decision to make 6+ months in instead of after date 1, no?

 

[kismettt]

i need a man w/ his education in order (or working on postgrad degrees) & having a clear career path/long-term goal/plan. every guy i dated has had this, and if they really can't vocalize it, i lose interest. i am attracted to ambition and drive. i am a planner, i am goal oriented, and i'm about moving up and forward. i'm only 22 but i am very driven/handeling my business (finished college at 19, etc), and i need the same. maybe one day i'll be a dreamer and take a risk or w/e, but for now, i need someone who is likeminded.

 

[misskris816]

I'm curious, how does it get to the point of dating someone whom you do not feel is compatible on these basic levels?

I've read a few stories on here about situations like this one, and similar scenarios are quoted in theoretical love and relationship stories. But I'm just wondering... How does it happen that people are trying to make decisions about whether to stay with someone who doesn't meet their requirements after they've invested their heart with that person for several months...

It seems a much more difficult decision to make 6+ months in instead of after date 1, no?

To be honest with you, the last 2 successful men I dated were not very attentive...borderline a-holes. Even though he didn't have the education/career requirements, I felt that I should at least try something new. I thought his patience and being attentive would be enough.
Unfortunately, it's not.

 

[LadyRaider]

The degrees don't matter too much (and I have a Ph.D.) but he needs to be highly intelligent.

My longtime "crush" (sigh) finally finished his bachelor's degree in the last five years or so. He just wasn't a serious student when he was younger. If we'd ever hooked up seriously, I would have insisted on him completing that. But he's highly intelligent despite his lack of degrees and that's what matters.

With his BA he makes 35K more than I do as well.