How do you tell your husband his weight is messing up our sex life?

[Suerte]

good advice. Sex should be pleasing for both partners. Women tend to be less upfront with their feelings. I know I haven't always been truthful. Too many black men are dying at alarming rates because of obesity related issues.

Right. And men tend to need to hear things real easy and direct. She already said he is the type who doesn't care what people think and that she already tried the kind and gentle "I love you and I want you to be the best you can be" approach.

When I was younger I was always at my best in relationships. I was never the type to let myself go...in fact I tried harder. If that makes sense. But since I had gained a little weight...the guy I'm dealing with now only dates tall light skinned women over 200lbs with at least a DD cup and really girly dressers (high heels, dress clothes, hair, nails and makeup, etc)... so needless to say, my weight loss efforts haven't been going where I want them to go Sometimes I wish he would just go for the jugular and call me a lard ass or something so I'd be hurt and go cry somewhere and stay the hell out of Wendy's.

 

[Integrity]

Tell him straight up..... don't beat around the bush.

I agree. Do it the man's way!!!

When you have done take go out more with the girls or even just to the mall all dressed up and made. That should shake off that complacent spirit!

 

[eyunka]

At one point I have taken the direct approach. When he 1st started to gain weight i hated it and I was very unattracted to him. I tried to over look it because he was my husband and i loved him. I just couldn't and if affect our sex life then because i just refuse to be with him.

I expalin to him why....i was attracted to him becasue of the weight but i still love you. When i married you, you were 5'10 185lbs. (Now he is 220+). It hurt his feeling to hear that but it was the truth. At first he tried to do something but quit.

So I just learned to love and be attracted to all of him. Ijust know the direct approach will cause tenion in our family and I don't function well like that and kids don't need to see it either.

I agree. Do it the man's way!!!

When you have done take go out more with the girls or even just to the mall all dressed up and made. That should shake off that complacent spirit!

 

[FeelinIt]

His response to that would be for me find another position. or man up i need to build my ab muscle which i don't understand what my ab muscle have to do with him being too heavy.

Well if words don't work and you've tried all the methods you can....actions definitly speak louder.

I'm not sure what you can do other than be tactful, sensative and honest.

*don't try the band aid method. It has been known to make enemies of friends*

 

[honeybadgirl]

i dont think theres any reason to be harsh or abrasive about it. weight is a sensitive issue to alot of people and with him since he said not to bring it up again. he knows hes overweight and i'm sure it bothers him alot. theres no need to be mean and say things. i'm not quite sure how you should address it either but maybe you can recommend that the both of you change your eating lifestyle and workout together. while you're in the act and its hurting, let him know whats hurting and why. you can be sweet about it. i'm sure that alone may hurt his feelings.
i dont know what type of relationship you 2 have but use whatever approach is appropriate for your relationship. i wish you the best with it.

 

[Integrity]

At one point I have taken the direct approach. When he 1st started to gain weight i hated it and I was very unattracted to him. I tried to over look it because he was my husband and i loved him. I just couldn't and if affect our sex life then because i just refuse to be with him.

I expalin to him why....i was attracted to him becasue of the weight but i still love you. When i married you, you were 5'10 185lbs. (Now he is 220+). It hurt his feeling to hear that but it was the truth. At first he tried to do something but quit.

So I just learned to love and be attracted to all of him. Ijust know the direct approach will cause tenion in our family and I don't function well like that and kids don't need to see it either.

OK I understand. It may be better to speak nothing of it from now. Being a man he prolly resents being told what to do. He wants to do it his own time.

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

I guess because I am a big female who has gained some weight since I have been married, maybe 5lbs...I wouldn't want this complete honestly that everyone is speaking of. When it comes to weight sometimes being frank and upfront is not the best way to go. Why not try subtle things like making healthier meals, if you do the cooking. Take some time as a family to walk around the neighborhood together. When you are grocery shopping, don't buy the sweets and things that he eats, but buy healthier snacks. Try to incorporate the whole family instead of just pointing out your husband's faults. These may or may not work and they may have take some working and sacrifice on your part, but in the end its worth it. Husband loses some weight, your whole family is healthier and more active together.

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

Right. And men tend to need to hear things real easy and direct. She already said he is the type who doesn't care what people think and that she already tried the kind and gentle "I love you and I want you to be the best you can be" approach.

When I was younger I was always at my best in relationships. I was never the type to let myself go...in fact I tried harder. If that makes sense. But since I had gained a little weight...the guy I'm dealing with now only dates tall light skinned women over 200lbs with at least a DD cup and really girly dressers (high heels, dress clothes, hair, nails and makeup, etc)... so needless to say, my weight loss efforts haven't been going where I want them to go Sometimes I wish he would just go for the jugular and call me a lard ass or something so I'd be hurt and go cry somewhere and stay the hell out of Wendy's.

I wish he would, I would leave his ass so quick and then head over and get me some ice cream.....that doesn't work with me at all....erplexed

 

[lisatamika]

I don't know what you should do. But you should be careful and not completely honest out of fear that you could hurt his feelings. I mean really, who wants to hear, you're so fat that I can't have the big O.

There has to be a better way.

ITA. And don't completely hold out on him . . .

 

[Evolving78]

I don't know what you should do. But you should be careful and not completely honest out of fear that you could hurt his feelings. I mean really, who wants to hear, you're so fat that I can't have the big O.

There has to be a better way.

I totally agree with you. You need to be very careful how you approach him. Men's egos are very fragile and he won't hear you telling him that he needs to lose weight, he will only hear you telling him that he isn't good in bed (well that is what he will take from it) This usually happens with women gaining weight and their husbands aren't feelin it. Just come to him how you would want him to come to you if there was something about your appearance that turned him off. Please be careful I would do some research on ways to talk to him about this situation.

 

[frizzy]

Been there, done that. The first time I seriously told him "you're getting too heavy" his feelings were hurt. We had always jokes each other, but this was different. He got over the shock and lost some weight.

Maybe you can give the fat parts extra love and attention, rubbing and kissing the belly, squeezing the rump and the man boobs. That might bring it more to his attention and make him a little more aware of it all and do something about it. That's what I do. Me and DH both need to lose weight, but neither is pressuring the other, we both want to lose about 60 lbs. each. We're starting again Monday

 

[eyunka]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. Starting in Sept his shift changes to 6am to 3pm. Now he will be home in the afternoons with me may be i can get him to go with me in the afternoons for walks or the gym.

Also he starts the fireman's course so maybe that will help also. we well see

 

[winterinatl]

I hear you loud and clear. I'm still attracted to my hubby big belly and all. I just wished he would....IDK take this seriously. Take everything in to consideration not just looks but health wise to...I'm selfish heck i need him as far as long as i can....that's my hubby i luv him

I haven't gotten to read all the posts yet but didn't want to forget to mention this:

Have you tried to see why he has put on the weight? Is there an emotional reason?

People that don't have to fight their weight often think that for heavy people, it's just a matter of "manning up" and getting disciplined; taking things seriously.

I am speaking from experience; there is nothing like family members actually THINKING you don't care that you are fat.

You know him better than I, of course, so perhaps he really is oblivious and doesn't care. But I do know that men are realllllly good at disguising how they truly feel about things, and he may be acting like it's all good in the hood, but really he hates his fatness too.

Oh, and while i agree the whole honesty thing is painful, believe me the pretense of 'health' is always seen as what it is - a pretense. Fat folks see right through that, we know you want us to be healthy and all, but really, that is not the only reason.

I think a really heartfelt talk about how you are ATTRACTED TO HIM and love him, but that having sex has become unpleasant for you, is in order. It will be most sincere. And regardless of how you mean it, or how honest it is, it may have negative effects. Having your mate have issues with your weight is never pleasant.

 

[Miss*Tress]

I haven't gotten to read all the posts yet but didn't want to forget to mention this:

Have you tried to see why he has put on the weight? Is there an emotional reason?

People that don't have to fight their weight often think that for heavy people, it's just a matter of "manning up" and getting disciplined; taking things seriously.

I am speaking from experience; there is nothing like family members actually THINKING you don't care that you are fat.

You know him better than I, of course, so perhaps he really is oblivious and doesn't care. But I do know that men are realllllly good at disguising how they truly feel about things, and he may be acting like it's all good in the hood, but really he hates his fatness too.

I agree with this. From my experience of being fat for the past 10 years, nobody puts on weight because they like being fat; the direct approach rarely works because fat people already know they are fat (no matter how much they front).

Something is wrong and you may have to help him identify it and fix it before he can lose weight.

 

[teenie]

I agree with this. From my experience of being fat for the past 10 years, nobody puts on weight because they like being fat; the direct approach rarely works because fat people already know they are fat (no matter how much they front).

Something is wrong and you may have to help him identify it and fix it before he can lose weight.

Me and my husband have both packed on the weight, I've packed on about 40lbs and him about 100 and its not because anything is wrong. Its because our life style has changed and we are getting older so we have slowed down.

 

[Miss*Tress]

If it's that simple, teenie, it would be easy to adjust how much one eats to fit the changed lifestyle then. But if it will set people's mind at rest, read "Something could be wrong..."

 

[eyunka]

I know something is wrong I just have to find out what and how to help fix it. This is the same guy that used to drill, make jokes that if i got "fat" that is grounds for a divorce. No offense to anyone overweight but he is not attracted to big girls so......in saying that he expected me to stay in shape (i did) shouldn't I get the same from him? You expect me to look a certain way but you do the opposite. When we are out sometimes he will say "Baby thank you" He may come across some old girlfriend and they have gained weight or let themselves go and he is like "yeah i pick the right one"

I agree with this. From my experience of being fat for the past 10 years, nobody puts on weight because they like being fat; the direct approach rarely works because fat people already know they are fat (no matter how much they front).

Something is wrong and you may have to help him identify it and fix it before he can lose weight.

 

[eyunka]

Yeah know i find myself say forget it about trying to stay in shape. If he won't try why should I?

Me and my husband have both packed on the weight, I've packed on about 40lbs and him about 100 and its not because anything is wrong. Its because our life style has changed and we are getting older so we have slowed down.

 

[winterinatl]

I know something is wrong I just have to find out what and how to help fix it. This is the same guy that used to drill, make jokes that if i got "fat" that is grounds for a divorce. No offense to anyone overweight but he is not attracted to big girls so......in saying that he expected me to stay in shape (i did) shouldn't I get the same from him? You expect me to look a certain way but you do the opposite. When we are out sometimes he will say "Baby thank you" He may come across some old girlfriend and they have gained weight or let themselves go and he is like "yeah i pick the right one"

I kinda agree with you. Women are always expected to blow up after they get married and have children, it always seems people are surprised if you have maintained a nice figure afterwards, specially if you are black. So you have kept up your end of the deal, after making a big deal about it so should he.

But, at least he may get how if feels to be fat, maybe have some more compassion.

 

[eyunka]

i wish that were true but he still feels the same way about big girls....MY SIL and brother came into town last weekend and he made a comment that she was getting bigger and in my mind i'm like dude have you seen your self for you to even comment on my SIL. But I let it go and said yes I have noticed she is gaining a little weight.

I kinda agree with you. Women are always expected to blow up after they get married and have children, it always seems people are surprised if you have maintained a nice figure afterwards, specially if you are black. So you have kept up your end of the deal, after making a big deal about it so should he.

But, at least he may get how if feels to be fat, maybe have some more compassion.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I think its important for you to lovingly communicate the issue with his weight messing up the sex life. I can guarantee you that this is something that he would have NEVER EVER EVER guessed has affected you. I certainly do think that this will prompt him to drop some lbs, because the fact that you can't please your wife is definitely a cause for immediate attention. Or at least ask him to help you find another position that can satisfy you. You dont deserve to live your life sexually unsatisfied just cause he chooses to be stubborn about his weight....

 

[Leigh]

i wish that were true but he still feels the same way about big girls....MY SIL and brother came into town last weekend and he made a comment that she was getting bigger and in my mind i'm like dude have you seen your self for you to even comment on my SIL. But I let it go and said yes I have noticed she is gaining a little weight.

Girl that was your opportunity to say have you seen yourself. When he makes a comment about someone's weight, turn it back on him in a loving way of course.

 

[Suerte]

I know something is wrong I just have to find out what and how to help fix it. This is the same guy that used to drill, make jokes that if i got "fat" that is grounds for a divorce. No offense to anyone overweight but he is not attracted to big girls so......in saying that he expected me to stay in shape (i did) shouldn't I get the same from him? You expect me to look a certain way but you do the opposite. When we are out sometimes he will say "Baby thank you" He may come across some old girlfriend and they have gained weight or let themselves go and he is like "yeah i pick the right one"

Oh HEYULLL no. And I also read that other post where he commented about the SIL.

I woulda went to the butcher, got a dead hog and put his clothes on it and a black pot and a black kettle and had that mess layin' in the floor for him to see when he got home.

Girl...as insensitive as he is and with the comments he is making... sheesh.

I'm not you... BUT IF I WAS... I'd have a "Look, you fat bastard" conversation with him. ESPECIALLY if he is talking about other people's weights behind their backs and being all nasty and sarcastic about it.

UGH.

Men like this just IRK me.

It's like the nasty red faced sloppy old man with the combover and his lil' 20 year old girlfriend. It's just unsettling...and even MORE unsettling once you find out that the old fart has divorced half a dozen women once they hit 25.

 

[carcajada]

DANG....keep it PG....alright.......





hmmmmmm......






YOU FAT.......SO WE AIN"T @!#$!$%!#$.....LOSE WEIGHT.....

I belive in the band aid method. REAL HARD AND QUICK!!!! RIP IT OFF!!!

omg...

 

[carcajada]

Yeah know i find myself say forget it about trying to stay in shape. If he won't try why should I?

...because if he doesn't wise up, someone will love your shape and not take it for granted. I'd include something like that in your talk with him. If he is so thankful that you have stayed looking fine over the years, then he should also realize other men would love get a chance with you.

 

[eyunka]

Well saying something like would only make him gain weight more becasue i came at him like that. I wish that method would work but it would only back fire.

You sound soooo unset don't be...he may have his crazy ways but he takes care of home. I'm just concerned about his health and me getting mine but more so his health. thanks for you insight

Oh HEYULLL no. And I also read that other post where he commented about the SIL.

I woulda went to the butcher, got a dead hog and put his clothes on it and a black pot and a black kettle and had that mess layin' in the floor for him to see when he got home.

Girl...as insensitive as he is and with the comments he is making... sheesh.

I'm not you... BUT IF I WAS... I'd have a "Look, you fat bastard" conversation with him. ESPECIALLY if he is talking about other people's weights behind their backs and being all nasty and sarcastic about it.

UGH.

Men like this just IRK me.

It's like the nasty red faced sloppy old man with the combover and his lil' 20 year old girlfriend. It's just unsettling...and even MORE unsettling once you find out that the old fart has divorced half a dozen women once they hit 25.

 

[eyunka]

thanks classynd, i added a update to the original post as to what's going on now.

...because if he doesn't wise up, someone will love your shape and not take it for granted. I'd include something like that in your talk with him. If he is so thankful that you have stayed looking fine over the years, then he should also realize other men would love get a chance with you.

 

[carcajada]

Update: He has gotten sick (kidney infection) and I tried to get him to go to the doctor because this is not something you want to mess with. Well after nagging and nagging he went but told them he thought it was a strained muscle. (he didn't believe me that i was a kidney infection) Well here it is 4 days later and he is not feeling any better so now he thinks i'm right. But he still won't go....so at this point i'm pissed because he is not taking care of himself.

Last night we had a heart to heart talk...he aske me if i thought he was going some where (die) and I said honestly you are not taking care of your self..(went into the whole black males, age, high blood pressure, colon...etc), talk about the weight and how it's affecting me. From the look on his face it looked like he began to understand me so we will see what happens from here.

He can do major damage to himself by not going to the doctor. Is he at least drinking TONS of 100% cranberry juice in the meantime?

@ him finally getting the idea
@ at him being a typical male and not going to the doctor until they feel death down their necks.

 

[eyunka]

I didn't think of the cranberry juice i will do that sometime today. your are very helpful.

Oh I have had to result to giving him his meds. If I don't he won't think to take them until the pain is unbearable.

He can do major damage to himself by not going to the doctor. Is he at least drinking TONS of 100% cranberry juice in the meantime?

@ him finally getting the idea
@ at him being a typical male and not going to the doctor until they feel death down their necks.

 

[Ladyhenri]

DANG....keep it PG....alright.......





hmmmmmm......






YOU FAT.......SO WE AIN"T @!#$!$%!#$.....LOSE WEIGHT.....

I belive in the band aid method. REAL HARD AND QUICK!!!! RIP IT OFF!!!