How Do You Get Over A Heartbreak?

GrowthHairMindset

GrowthHairMindset

Member
I joined this forum to just talk about hair but there's been something else weighing heavy on my mind. I'm not the type to usually feel so much pain over a man. I know that with time my heart will heal. It's just taking my heart longer to heal than expected. In my mind, I know the man isn't good for me. I don't want to go into details but he's manipulative and has issues. That's me putting it politely :look:

I'm mad I missed all the warning signs. So many red flags but I made a ton of excuses for him. Let's just say I've learned my lesson. But why is my heart still acting stoooopid? My mind has picked up he's not worth my time or energy. Yet my heart still yearns for him? How can I help my heart catch up with my mind? It doesn't matter how many times I go over all his manipulative tactics, somehow my heart finds a way to pity the man. HELLO!! My heart needs to pity me :cry3: But it's out here feeling sorry for the man that broke us! Do I have a stupid heart or something? Help me fix it or change it.

Ladies, share some wisdom with me please.
 
I went through a break up fairly recently so I was/am navigating the same waters. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Here are some things that help me:

Separate the feelings (love, companionship, etc.) from the person. That's what you're really yearning. Your ex isn't holding these things hostage from you. Know that you'll find someone who is actually worthy of you.

Don't suppress the your anger, sadness, frustration, regret, etc. Acknowledge those emotion when they show up and know they are fleeting.

Spend time with people that you love, doing the things you love and try new things you always wanted to do. Keeping busy is a great distraction.

Laugh as much as you can.

Accept responsibility for your part (what you allowed) but don't blame or chastise yourself for his actions or emotional unavailability.

Welcome to the forum, also! :welcome:
 
lotusspecter said:
I went through a break up fairly recently so I was/am navigating the same waters. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Here are some things that help me:

Separate the feelings (love, companionship, etc.) from the person. That's what you're really yearning. Your ex isn't holding these things hostage from you. Know that you'll find someone who is actually worthy of you.

Don't suppress the your anger, sadness, frustration, regret, etc. Acknowledge those emotion when they show up and know they are fleeting.

Spend time with people that you love, doing the things you love and try new things you always wanted to do. Keeping busy is a great distraction.

Laugh as much as you can.

Accept responsibility for your part (what you allowed) but don't blame or chastise yourself for his actions or emotional unavailability.

Welcome to the forum, also! :welcome:
Click to expand...

You've really made me smile right now. You're absolutely right! I'm hurt because I've associated love and attachment with him. I'm searching for love and all the time I spent with him, I started to associate that emotion with him. Also I've been trying to suppress all the negative emotions, which is probably why I still haven't moved on. I need to accept that pain 100% before my healing can begin.

Thank you for responding. You've made my day better!
 
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Idk how old you are, but I remember being young, and "in love" to the point of allowing my heart to overpower my gut (biggest mistakes of my life!). If you are religious, what has always helped me was to pray that God reveal his true self to me, and then I start to remember all the little things (red flags) and eventually get to a point where I don't know what I ever saw in him.

I took time to focus on me, going to the gym, being around friends, treating myself, pick up a hobby, most importantly figure out what is broken in me that I feel the need to hold on to a broken/worthless man. I think in general it just takes time, you'll notice each day/week that goes by you'll think of him less and less. And as you get older, you'll have less time and energy to dwell on worthless men, and only seek those who are worthy of that time and energy.
 
TeeMBL said:
Idk how old you are, but I remember being young, and "in love" to the point of allowing my heart to overpower my gut (biggest mistakes of my life!). If you are religious, what has always helped me was to pray that God reveal his true self to me, and then I start to remember all the little things (red flags) and eventually get to a point where I don't know what I ever saw in him.

I took time to focus on me, going to the gym, being around friends, treating myself, pick up a hobby, most importantly figure out what is broken in me that I feel the need to hold on to a broken/worthless man. I think in general it just takes time, you'll notice each day/week that goes by you'll think of him less and less. And as you get older, you'll have less time and energy to dwell on worthless men, and only seek those who are worthy of that time and energy.
Click to expand...

Thank you for this post! I didn't realise why people spoke about self-love so much, but if I had self-love I wouldn't have put with his crap for so long. I'm definitely focusing on myself and need to fix what's broken inside of me without searching for love from a worthless man as you've beautifully put it.
 
I'm getting better at staying sane through breakups sad to say :)
Here are some of the day by day steps that helped me.

1/GOAL: I'm not sure if it's due to my age, but I'm distracted with a bigger life goal...to enjoy my life, travel, buy stuff, eat good food, help others when I retire and I can't wait for that to happen in 20+ years. In the scheme of life, the ME is so much more important so I have to plant those positive seeds NOW with or without someone by my side. It takes hard work and sacrifice every single day.
2/ LAZY: I enjoy NOT having to clean up the house cuz 'he's' coming over, if I didn't shower lol, having to cook or any other kot dang thing. It annoyed me to have 'pick something up for dinner' when those items were not included in my food budget LMAO. Petty, but that's how deep I'm into this budget thang.
3/ DO WHAT I WANT: Enjoy sleeping and vegging out in front of the TV without having to hear someone tell me I sleep too much or let's go out. I'm lazy and want to watch Love and Hip Hop, leave me alone.
4/ LEARN WHAT WORKS FOR YOU: I learned that cutting somebody off completely doesn't really work well for me. I do much better knowing that I can reach out to you if I want to. It's probably a longer way of healing but einh, it's less painful.
5/ STAY BUSY: Working a second job that requires me to be active, no time to think of the ex or the situation. I'd say the kind of busy activity you do matters, it can't be empty fun. I use to force myself to go parties/clubs and it just made me sadder, I'd miss the ex even more. A good drunken night memory fine but didn't really help in the long run. So, the kind of busy that works for me is one that is productive like working, volunteering and probably one that doesn't involve too many people, maybe even working with pets at a shelter. I HATED going to dinner with friends because I couldn't stay focused and was horrible company. I just wanted to be left alone.
6/ NO SEX WHEN I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT: Don't have to open my darn legs when I don't want to even though it's been 2 weeks since I last gave it up. Or being diligent about going to pee right after when all I want to do is sleep, see number 3.
7/ STAY PHYSICALLY ACTIVE: I forced myself to go running. It's good for me so...einh.
8/ EAT: Forced myself to eat because I tend to not eat much when I have anxiety.
9/ REMEMBER ALL THE NOT SO GREAT THINGS: Listen to others who saw him more objectively. Fine...he has no money, he was corny, remember you said he had a small pee-wee? Just all the bad things I forgot about lol.
10/ KNOW THAT THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE DOING EVEN WORSE THAN YOU: Give others advice who were in even worse situations in life. Einh Schadenfreude *shrug*LOL
11/ DELETE DELETE DELETE: I deleted all the things that created a 'pang' in my heart. Seeing his name pop up on my phone every single time he called me :)
I deleted his name from my call log and changed his name in my contact to YDM (you deserve more). Eventually, I will delete the texts messages but I'm buying a new phone sooooo.....I can still keep them there if I want to go browse lol but my new phone will be clean.
12/ REMOVE ALL PERSONAL BELONGINGS FROM MY HOME: Not by meeting up either. Just give them away unless they are valuable. Sell them. I got some $ for a gold chain teehee.....


The con side:
I'm unsure if the kind of guy that I want exists. Or at least the kind of guy that won't awaken my paranoia since I struggle with believing that a man is willing to be with one woman for the rest of his life :( So I kind of just feel more at peace without having to stress over existing or non-existing flags. I think I have flags in my head that just post up in there lol

Bottom line, the more you go through breakups, the easier it gets because the more perspective you gain along the way.

Hope these steps help you even if only a wee bit :)
 
Fine 4s said:
I'm getting better at staying sane through breakups sad to say :)
Here are some of the day by day steps that helped me.

1/GOAL: I'm not sure if it's due to my age, but I'm distracted with a bigger life goal...to enjoy my life, travel, buy stuff, eat good food, help others when I retire and I can't wait for that to happen in 20+ years. In the scheme of life, the ME is so much more important so I have to plant those positive seeds NOW with or without someone by my side. It takes hard work and sacrifice every single day.
2/ LAZY: I enjoy NOT having to clean up the house cuz 'he's' coming over, if I didn't shower lol, having to cook or any other kot dang thing. It annoyed me to have 'pick something up for dinner' when those items were not included in my food budget LMAO. Petty, but that's how deep I'm into this budget thang.
3/ DO WHAT I WANT: Enjoy sleeping and vegging out in front of the TV without having to hear someone tell me I sleep too much or let's go out. I'm lazy and want to watch Love and Hip Hop, leave me alone.
4/ LEARN WHAT WORKS FOR YOU: I learned that cutting somebody off completely doesn't really work well for me. I do much better knowing that I can reach out to you if I want to. It's probably a longer way of healing but einh, it's less painful.
5/ STAY BUSY: Working a second job that requires me to be active, no time to think of the ex or the situation. I'd say the kind of busy activity you do matters, it can't be empty fun. I use to force myself to go parties/clubs and it just made me sadder, I'd miss the ex even more. A good drunken night memory fine but didn't really help in the long run. So, the kind of busy that works for me is one that is productive like working, volunteering and probably one that doesn't involve too many people, maybe even working with pets at a shelter. I HATED going to dinner with friends because I couldn't stay focused and was horrible company. I just wanted to be left alone.
6/ NO SEX WHEN I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT: Don't have to open my darn legs when I don't want to even though it's been 2 weeks since I last gave it up. Or being diligent about going to pee right after when all I want to do is sleep, see number 3.
7/ STAY PHYSICALLY ACTIVE: I forced myself to go running. It's good for me so...einh.
8/ EAT: Forced myself to eat because I tend to not eat much when I have anxiety.
9/ REMEMBER ALL THE NOT SO GREAT THINGS: Listen to others who saw him more objectively. Fine...he has no money, he was corny, remember you said he had a small pee-wee? Just all the bad things I forgot about lol.
10/ KNOW THAT THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE DOING EVEN WORSE THAN YOU: Give others advice who were in even worse situations in life. Einh Schadenfreude *shrug*LOL
11/ DELETE DELETE DELETE: I deleted all the things that created a 'pang' in my heart. Seeing his name pop up on my phone every single time he called me :)
I deleted his name from my call log and changed his name in my contact to YDM (you deserve more). Eventually, I will delete the texts messages but I'm buying a new phone sooooo.....I can still keep them there if I want to go browse lol but my new phone will be clean.
12/ REMOVE ALL PERSONAL BELONGINGS FROM MY HOME: Not by meeting up either. Just give them away unless they are valuable. Sell them. I got some $ for a gold chain teehee.....


The con side:
I'm unsure if the kind of guy that I want exists. Or at least the kind of guy that won't awaken my paranoia since I struggle with believing that a man is willing to be with one woman for the rest of his life :( So I kind of just feel more at peace without having to stress over existing or non-existing flags. I think I have flags in my head that just post up in there lol

Bottom line, the more you go through breakups, the easier it gets because the more perspective you gain along the way.

Hope these steps help you even if only a wee bit :)
Click to expand...

Amongst my friends I'm seen as the 'strong' one who wouldn't even cry over a man. I've been dodging calls because I just don't want to deal with it. Reading your message helped me see there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I DELETED everything but sometimes wish I held onto some memories. But I know it's for the best otherwise I would reach out to him. We did the on/off thing and it just didn't work. It's made me feel quite jaded about love. But you're absolutely right that we should focus on the bigger picture: life goals. Yes I loved him with all my heart. He was the one I wanted to have a family with and sit with in the old people's home but like Adele said, 'sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.'

I also thought going out alot would help me get over it but it made me more sad LOL. I'm thinking introverts do better when they find time to heal alone. I'm currently reading different books to gain other perspectives and reading comments like yours brings me hope. When I finally get over this heartbreak, I look forward to being able to tell others some of the same things you've told me.

Thank you
 
Cut off all contact.

Stay busy, stay busy, stay busy.

AVOID ALCOHOL.

Work on yourself. You won't feel like putting in much of an effort, but fake it until you make it. Eventually all of the forced self-care is going to turn into genuine self-love.

Journaling is a good way to sort through your feelings.

If you're not into yoga/meditation, now is a good time to start.

Give it time. I thought I would never get over having my heart broken (and to be honest I'm still not over it) but every day gets easier. And in the meantime, it's okay to cry. Crying releases stress hormones from your body.
 
@Fine 4s I love your list, I couldn't agree more. I do agree with @Layluh, just a little bit though. Well, not to color with someone else, but instead flirt. I am naturally a flirtatious person so I get an a little adrenaline rush when I flirt back with someone. I never implied sex or anything but just laughing and talking it up. Try dating websites: Now this could make you feel worse but I always managed to find someone who was interesting and we would talk up a storm...sometimes we never even met in person ( I guess I'd lose interest) but it was definitely a distraction. Sounds silly but it works for me. I guess the key is to distract yourself with something that really garners your attention. Remember you are not alone. We have all been there. Even had the occasional thought that the feeling would never pass. But it does......
 
My last true heart break led to me becoming a Licensed Cosmetologist. I got busy, perfected a hobby and positioned myself to be further empowered.

ETA: Think of something you truly enjoy, any hobby. If you focus on being busy in whatever that is, it's not as agonizing and doesn't feel forced. Never in life did I ever aspire to do hair. It wound up not only being a good distraction but also one where I met great new friends and laughed every day.
 
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OP, as someone going through something similar at the moment, I know that these ladies are right! @Fine 4s really broke it down for you with her excellent post. Your head KNOWS it's over but your heart is still acting stoopid!! Like wtf? :mad: What really helped me was to open up and talk about it. I thought I'd be judged and looked down on for feeling this way. So I held everything in until I almost lost my sanity. I'm glad I shared cuz having a great support system is key to start the healing process. I found out that I'm normal. That others have been down that road and survived.

Another tip is to not jump into distracting yourself just yet. You must allow yourself the time to grieve and feel your emotions FULLY without judgment. Take a few days to cry, listen to sad music, drown your sorrows once or twice (if you choose to and are old enough), and wallow in your misery. Just don't stay there too long! I find that for me, I hold on longer to my ex when I avoid the hard feelings or talking about it. Once you've done that, it's a good idea to have a goodbye convo with your ex by talking to them as if they're in front of you. Pretend they're there. Tell them everything you're feeling, thank them for everything and then close the door on that chapter forever. You'll probably cry some more and that's ok. After that you can start getting busy living your life, following your dreams and interests and in time upgrading tf out of your ex! Good luck. You can do this and you'll come out this stronger and wiser. :yep:
 
caribeandiva said:
OP, as someone going through something similar at the moment, I know that these ladies are right! @Fine 4s really broke it down for you with her excellent post. Your head KNOWS it's over but your heart is still acting stoopid!! Like wtf? :mad: What really helped me was to open up and talk about it. I thought I'd be judged and looked down on for feeling this way. So I held everything in until I almost lost my sanity. I'm glad I shared cuz having a great support system is key to start the healing process. I found out that I'm normal. That others have been down that road and survived.

Another tip is to not jump into distracting yourself just yet. You must allow yourself the time to grieve and feel your emotions FULLY without judgment. Take a few days to cry, listen to sad music, drown your sorrows once or twice (if you choose to and are old enough), and wallow in your misery. Just don't stay there too long! I find that for me, I hold on longer to my ex when I avoid the hard feelings or talking about it. Once you've done that, it's a good idea to have a goodbye convo with your ex by talking to them as if they're in front of you. Pretend they're there. Tell them everything you're feeling, thank them for everything and then close the door on that chapter forever. You'll probably cry some more and that's ok. After that you can start getting busy living your life, following your dreams and interests and in time upgrading tf out of your ex! Good luck. You can do this and you'll come out this stronger and wiser.
Click to expand...

I think bottling my emotions definitely did not help! Sharing it online and seeing that I'm not alone and others have made it through this treacherous path has given me hope. Last night (after watching the cheese movie) was probably the first time I went to sleep without wishing I had my ex in my arms again and without shedding a few tears. I'm actually *excited* to see what the future holds - the new cheese I'll find. I'm sure later this week I might miss the old cheese, but until I learn that things never stay the same, my heart will continue to get bruised. So from now on I will focus on evolving my heart to become more adaptable to change :yep:

You ladies are the best!
 
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Focus on yourself. Go to the gym, get a manicure, change your hairstyle. Find a new hobby, study, travel.
Since I broke up with my ex, I have changed jobs twice for much better positions.
I have challenged myself to get at least one certificate per month on coursera.
My nails, skin, makeup and hair are always on point (wigs help lol).
I have made tons of new friends. I go out at least twice a week.
I have invested a lot on myself and on reaching my personal long term goals. Life goes on. HTH.
 
lalla said:
Focus on yourself. Go to the gym, get a manicure, change your hairstyle. Find a new hobby, study, travel.
Since I broke up with my ex, I have changed jobs twice for much better positions.
I have challenged myself to get at least one certificate per month on coursera.
My nails, skin, makeup and hair are always on point (wigs help lol).
I have made tons of new friends. I go out at least twice a week.
I have invested a lot on myself and on reaching my personal long term goals. Life goes on. HTH.
Click to expand...
Excellent advice! :yep:
 
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