How Do You Discuss Black Women's Hair In Public?

I work with lots of white people who have shown interest in my hair. They used to compliment my hair a lot, you know, back in the day when I did lots of hair styles and took really good care of my hair. They don’t so much anymore. I did say it took a long time, which is true. That’s why I don’t have all those hair styles anymore, lol, and they know it. If they asked, I also told them not all black women had to spend so much time on their hair, I just had particularly difficult hair. Which I also believe to be true. My hair has its pluses and minuses, and I’m not ashamed of that reality, nor do I even consider it bad press. It just is what it is.
 
It's weird because I notice that the topic of hair comes up but not in a racial way and I still find myself cringing or wanting to ignore. Like the receptionist in my office cut her hair recently and I'm wearing my hair in 2 braids pinned up so the partner in my office said something like "between everyone here I feel like a hippie, my hair is the longest out of everyone". It wasn't race/texture related but I still pretended I didn't hear. It seems like such a sensitive subject and I don't want to have to curse anybody out.
 
When I do hear someone dogging out our hair while praising that of others I ask if they’ve ever worked on (insert ethnicity here) hair. Typically, the answer is, “No.”

I tell them that everytime I do a sleepover with my majority nonblack Girl Scouts, I get to witness all their hair drama, so they aren’t cake walking either.
 
It's not a sensitive subject for me, so I speak about it the same way I speak about hair in general - matter of factly, talking about it's unique properties, saying "thank you" when someone compliments my hair etc.
Most of the time it's someone complimenting my hair or envying it.
I love my hair.
 
Had to think about this and realized I really don't say much about hair at all, positive or negative. I talk about hair product recommendations and haircuts with my three black besties and that's about it. One of them I am on a growth challenge with, but it is something we only ended up discussing because we were at a hair store and both were looking for JBCO. I don't think I've ever had a full out discussion about my hair with a non-black close friend and definitely not with a man, whether it was permed, natural, braided, weaved up, etc. Nothing beyond someone complimenting it (or touching it without my permission) and receiving a polite "thank you" (or a slap on the offending hand).

There's really not anything ground-breaking to say about hair to me to be having a huge convo about it outside of hair-related spaces like this forum or a hair store because it's a very personal experience. I feel that way about personal care and beauty in general. When wannabe bae comes to pick me up, I'm dressed and made up and ready. He don't need to know what I do in my personal care time, just know that I look pretty and smell good. If someone compliments my hair, I say thank you. If I like someone's hair, I compliment it. The only time hair really comes up outside of this forum or youtube for me is if someone asks me a question about my hair or if I am at the hair store and even this is a brief exchange.
 
Theresamonet said:
I don’t anymore. I’ve had another black woman look me dead in the eyes and ask why God cursed us.
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My own sister used to say that. I can't have anyone like that around my daughter so I don't know if she still talks like that around her own daughter.
I avoid talking about my hair with others. If I do, it's only because I get a compliment and I keep it positive.
 
Theresamonet said:
I don’t anymore. I’ve had another black woman look me dead in the eyes and ask why God cursed us.
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See. That right there. Exhausting. I know some people who are natural and don't want to relax again but don't wear their hair out. Not because they are trying to grow it out or protect it but because it didn't "look" like they thought it would once they transitioned. However imo their natural hair looks a heck of a lot better than the subpar weaves they get.
 
oneastrocurlie said:
See. That right there. Exhausting. I know some people who are natural and don't want to relax again but don't wear their hair out. Not because they are trying to grow it out or protect it but because it didn't "look" like they thought it would once they transitioned. However imo their natural hair looks a heck of a lot better than the subpar weaves they get.
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OMG exhausting is right. I was in the middle of typing a long replay and said "aw forget it". There's so many ways/angles to respond to this *sigh*.

"Why did God curse us?"...Geez. That's that "stinkin, thinkin" right there. I was there once.

ETA: My Sister has beautiful natural hair about 9 inches long. She never..i mean never wears it. What she does wear is an ugly, dusty, matted, straight wig. It's awful! My Mom, Grandmother and Me tell her how it looks. Mind as well be talking to a lamp post.
 
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Most of the time I rarely ever talk about hair at all unless someone brings me into the conversation by asking a hair care question or gives me a compliment on my hair style. If someone's complaining about their hair, my first instinct is to go into "trouble-shooting mode," but then I keep quiet (again, unless they ask) because they're usually just wanting to vent and I don't want to come off as a "know-it-all."
 
Miss_C said:
For the people saying they don't discuss it at all, does this change when the group is all black (male and female)? I get not wanting to say anything around Becky and nem but what if it's just us?
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Outside of accepting compliments, I will not discuss hair with anyone outside of select black women. I've been disappointed by many a bm when the topic of our hair comes up: From engaging in texture Olympics, to passive aggressive comments about weaves, wigs..not worth it.
 
Theresamonet said:
I don’t anymore. I’ve had another black woman look me dead in the eyes and ask why God cursed us.
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It was hair day for my mom last week. As I’m washing, detangling, and styling her hair, she keeps yapping about how nappy it is. She sounded like she was fresh off the plantation. It was sickening. After several minutes, I had to tell her I’m not interested in listening to her go on about how other people have better hair.

For all the progress we’ve made in accepting natural hair, a whole lot of us are still anti natural. It irks me that so many of us are proudly public with our self loathing.
 
I employ a lot of false modesty :giggle:
When others try to comment on it's thickness or how difficult it must be I lament on how much hair I have, how I'm so terrible spoiled by it's versatility, how I can leave my hair in a style for a whole week and it still looks nice. How I can just lightly brush my edges and I'm ready to go. The conversation always miraculously shifts on how healthy my hair looks and them looking for tips because someone they know have curly hair.
 
Miss_C said:
For the people saying they don't discuss it at all, does this change when the group is all black (male and female)? I get not wanting to say anything around Becky and nem but what if it's just us?
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I can’t recall the last conversation I had with a man about hair.
I talk to bw (friends/associates) about hair often. We talk products, styles - aside from my friend who is obviously type 4 but has a beautician telling her she is type 3 there isn’t any negative talk. When I’m out I compliment women and engage when appropriate.
 
MizzBFly said:
I highlight the reasons behind the misconception on why? all the things my LCFC ladies know:

I use it as a teachable moment and highlight the reprogramming that’s required with older women and not allowing this mindset to influence our children. And if white folks hear, then it’s 2 birds one stone:afro:
I stand on that soapbox for a minute :lachen:and it always leads to more positive conversations on growth. Silence can also be viewed as complicity.
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Beautiful. I have mainly white friends simply due to where I'm located, and I constantly have to spread the knowledge on many things. I don't sugar-coat it, I don't try to make things look better than they seem, I honestly express why things are the way they are when it comes to skin, hair, economy, everything. You would be surprising about how shocked non-blacks are when something is explained to them. I don't think it's always their fault that they don't know - who would have previously told them? So I'm fine with being the first. Peaceful conversations lead to education.

My bestfriend is porcelain with long, blonde hair. The funny thing is at her wedding she got weave added, and I was so confused and asked her why, and she said it was because her hair was extremely thin. I simply said 'oh, I don't have that problem. Let's trade' (I'm SL) and we both just laughed. I hate divisiveness and defensiveness. I won't degrade myself or my ethnicity, but if anyone asks me "why is it hard for you to grow your hair out?" or "how do you manage your hair?" then I will kindly explain why the things they do with their hair don't necessarily translate to what I can do with mine. If they ever insult me, I understand it as ignorance and again, I kindly explain. If they refuse to listen, they aren't someone I'll have a follow-up conversation with, so I really don't care.

We can be on that soapbox together hahaha
 
onyxdreams said:
I had a yt man tell me that BW don't like to ride with the top down od convertible cars. I said," really that's a first, I know I enjoy it." He said another BW told him that because she wears wigs.
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LMAO I've had two convertibles over the last 6 year and if there's a ray of sun in sight you bet I drop that top like it's hot. Now I don't wear wigs, and if I did, I probably wouldn't... but my logic is backwards. I don't wear wigs because I drive a convertible. That car costs more than my wigs :lol:

But let's be logical - anyone who wears wigs wouldn't put the top down. Not only black women wear wigs - not all black women wear wigs. I actually enjoy conversations like this. It exercises logic.
 
sunflora said:
Beautiful. I have mainly white friends simply due to where I'm located, and I constantly have to spread the knowledge on many things. I don't sugar-coat it, I don't try to make things look better than they seem, I honestly express why things are the way they are when it comes to skin, hair, economy, everything. You would be surprising about how shocked non-blacks are when something is explained to them. I don't think it's always their fault that they don't know - who would have previously told them? So I'm fine with being the first. Peaceful conversations lead to education.

My bestfriend is porcelain with long, blonde hair. The funny thing is at her wedding she got weave added, and I was so confused and asked her why, and she said it was because her hair was extremely thin. I simply said 'oh, I don't have that problem. Let's trade' (I'm SL) and we both just laughed. I hate divisiveness and defensiveness. I won't degrade myself or my ethnicity, but if anyone asks me "why is it hard for you to grow your hair out?" or "how do you manage your hair?" then I will kindly explain why the things they do with their hair don't necessarily translate to what I can do with mine. If they ever insult me, I understand it as ignorance and again, I kindly explain. If they refuse to listen, they aren't someone I'll have a follow-up conversation with, so I really don't care.

We can be on that soapbox together hahaha
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:clapping:
 
I will literally talk to the goat on the side of the street about our hair. I absolutely love having conversations about cultural differences with my non black friends. When I studied abroad in Mexico, my Mexican friend wanted to wash my hair and I gladly would've let her but she missed my wash day. I had to do my best to explain in Spanish why black people don't wash their hair every day. It can be hard enough to try to explain that in English lol. My baby's godmother is white and I let her come over and detangle my natural coily 4b hair. It was a great bonding and educational experience. Sure our hair has it's unique challenges, but it's a rare jewel. No other ethnicity has hair like ours. Just look at all the different variations across individual heads of afro hair. The versatility is astounding. If you ask me, I think it's an exotic feature. When my non black friends want to do something "special" to their hair, they normally have to apply heat or chemicals to get a noticeable change. I can throw some braids or something in my hair and look like an entirely different person without the damage. Other people and our own won't start to accept the beauty and diversity of black hair until we normalize it and we begin to appreciate what we have. I think having open conversations is the right place to begin. Have you ever had a preconceived notion about something and an "expert" on the topic came along and changed your way of thinking? We're the experts on our hair. We can change perceptions.
 
I just became natural last year but what I'm not about to do is put down relaxed hair just because I have been natural for a year. I truly believe Black hair, whether natural or relaxed, are the GOAT. So when I do speak about hair, I always make it a point to say something like "Whether relaxed or natural, Black women have the best hair".

The last time it came up, about a month ago, was this rich White woman from a family who were/are Black-friendly going back to the 60s congratulated me on embracing my natural hair, lol.
 
In English. I say whatever I feel like needs to be said. Sometimes it is correcting people's stupid ASSumptions about our hair, sometimes it is trying to educate other Black women because they have those same stupid ASSumptions. I speak to Black men about their mate's hair, they share stories about their sisters, wives, daughter... Surprisingly, White men are very inquisitive about our hair and are very supportive of it in its natural state... At least the White men that I have encountered.:look:

I am not going to feed into Black women's hair being a "taboo" topic. I believe that there are so many stereotypes and assumptions because we have been so secretive about our hair to the point where it appears that we are ashamed. I have been on a post and taken braids out and redid them in front of the men and women I work with. They ask questions, I answer and even show them how to do it. If I see a Black woman's tracks are showing I will try to find a way to discreetly tell her, not to embarrass her, to HELP her. I feel like letting her walk around with her tracks showing is more embarrassing than someone pulling her aside to let her know. I find it funny that people assume that I have no hair because I keep my hair in PS primarily, then when I take it out, they are like :eek:...
 
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Gr8ness83 said:
In English. I say whatever I feel like needs to be said. Sometimes it is correcting people's stupid ASSumptions about our hair, sometimes it is trying to educate other Black women because they have those same stupid ASSumptions. I speak to Black men about their mate's hair, they share stories about their sisters, wives, daughter... Surprisingly, White men are very inquisitive about our hair and are very supportive of it in its natural state... At least the White men that I have encountered.:look:
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ITA. My black ex whenever he sees me, keeps dropping hints that I should get a perm. Meanwhile, my white male friend used to be genuinely curious about my natural hair and the BW he dated were both naturals. :look:
 
silverlotus said:
ITA. My black ex whenever he sees me keeps dropping hints that I should get a perm. Meanwhile, my white male friend used to be genuinely curious about my natural hair and the BW he dated were both naturals. :look:
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It is so curious why they are like that... smh. Like the White men I know are all about caring for Black women's natural hair and paying for protective styles. They don't tease Black women about their hair like Black men do. It's really quite sad.
 
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