How do People Do It? 10-25 Years Later and Then It's Over?

[SilverSurfer]

I hear about how people that have been together for 15, 25 years just end up breaking up..and for good too. WOW!! How do you even end a 20 year marriage and get a divorce? My thing is, if you're having problems or see signs of potential problems down the line, why not end it within the first 5 to 8 years so you would not have wasted a lot of your precious years I just don't get it.

Any thoughts?

 

[*5+5]

My Uncle just left my Aunt after 24yrs of marriage. He injured himself on his job about 10 years ago and was living on disability. She just recently started dialysis and is drawing disability but she works a job where she is paid under the table b/c he kept complaining about them struggling. He left her about 6months ago stating he was tired of being broke. Leaving her w/2 teenagers to raise

Oh, he went to live in his grandmother's old house where he can live bills free.

 

[TrueBeliever]

Most of the time, the love was gone years before. They're just getting to the point where they can walk away.

 

[tiara76]

i think it all depends....on the people.....some people live in denial that they aren't happy or growing any more and do stay together way more than necessary until they just maybe can't take it anymore....some people stay together regardless....some people may have been happy for 10, 15 or 20 years and still end up growing apart and choose to part ways...some people were okay being content, until something happened where they experienced something that brought life to them and they just up and bounce out...there are types of different reasons....everybody is on their own journey and has their own experiences...what one might consider a waste may just be a pertinent part of their own personal growth.....maybe it took them that long to really realize something they needed to realize

 

[kandake]

This kind of stuff rarely "just happens" It just may seem that way to the person on the outside looking in.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I hear about how people that have been together for 15, 25 years just end up breaking up..and for good too. WOW!! How do you even end a 20 year marriage and get a divorce? My thing is, if you're having problems or see signs of potential problems down the line, why not end it within the first 5 to 8 years so you would not have wasted a lot of your precious years I just don't get it.

Any thoughts?

Maybe they stayed because of the kids? Comfortable lifestyle? Habit? And then woke up.

I'm not convinced that just because someone has been married for so long they need to stay married. My parents have been married 30+ years - and people applaud that - but they don't know the foolishness that has been going on within the marriage. And maybe they should have broken up a long time ago, but for whatever reason stayed, and finally woke the hell up and realized life is not over for them. They can find someone to TRULY love and respect them.

 

[Carrie A]

Many stay because of children, finantial security, fear of lonliness. I know someone who married as a teenager with alot of issues. Sadly she divorced after 20 years but she's discovering that she can make it on her own and has a gained a sense of self and confidence that she never had.

 

[heyfranz]

Because the thought of being with someone else made me sick to my stomach even though things weren't going well. Relationships go through struggles, so you give them a fair chance and only end it when you've exhausted all measures to make it work. That can take years...

 

[JFemme]

Believe it or not people can and do outgrown each other/the relationship. At that point it becomes a noose around the neck.

Starting over is not the debil.

 

[Transformer]

People want just a chance at "relationship utopia" before they die.

 

[FlowerHair]

It's hard for a couple to divorce when the kids are growing up, they wait until the kids are grown and then move on.
Or it just took them that long to reach a conclusion. Better that, than giving up after 1-3 years...

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Some people don't see signs until well into the marriage...or something happens after 10 -15 years that causes them to split.

I know a couple (not divorced) who married at 18. They split up & lived in different states for a while after over 15 years (his drug use) but they got back together once he cleaned himself up. I am not sure of what drugs he was using. There kids are like 24 & 27.

I know of another couple, not divorced, where he had outside kids (at least 2) around the same age as their kids. She did not leave him back then although she found out about the outside kids when they were young.

She left him after over 30 years for about 6 months but went back. Not sure why but they are at year 34 now and all the kids are grown and moved out. He is sick though and had some kind of partial foot amputation so I guess she is sort of being his nurse maid.

 

[Syrah]

My folks did. 23 years of marriage and divorced. My mom is recently remarried. And my folks are that "odd" couple that still come together for me - we spent Christmas together last year (my mom and her fiance, my dad and his girlfriend, me and my ex). When I moved in July, it was my mom, her fiance, my dad and his girlfriend. Thanksgiving this year, they (my mom and dad) called me on three way to figure out what my plans were...

About two years ago, when I was finally able to talk to them about it, I told my dad that the ONLY part of my wedding I had ever dreamed about was the part where I paid tribute to my folks for showing me how it's done - and they went and ruined it ... he cried.

Clearly my folks love each other as individuals, and people. Clearly they have a friendship. And I guess that's why I hate to see people base their "eternal commitment" on love and friendship - because I've seen love and friendship result in two people being apart.

How does it happen? For my folks, it was waiting until it was too late to do something about the problems. They were unhappy for a while, but thought time and love would heal all wounds. And they both individually operated under the assumption that what made them fall in love 20 years earlier would keep them together 20 years later.

I guess that's why I seem to beat the "communication" and "discussion" drum to a pulp is because I've asked BOTH my folks what they did wrong and they said "communicate". Relationships take effort. They ebb and flow like tides. As people change, relationships SHOULD change. And it's recognizing and COMMUNICATING about the fact that "love" and "commitment" change form and shape that I think really keeps people together.

 

[Syrah]

It's hard for a couple to divorce when the kids are growing up, they wait until the kids are grown and then move on.
Or it just took them that long to reach a conclusion. Better that, than giving up after 1-3 years...

...or maybe its because you hit a rough patch and think "we've gotten through it before, we can get through it again".

The truth is ALL of the reasons folks have mentioned on this board are reasons why people stay together for 20+ years and then split.

..and sometimes it's because the two people in question had NO business getting married in the first place.

 

[jrae]

I hear about how people that have been together for 15, 25 years just end up breaking up..and for good too. WOW!! How do you even end a 20 year marriage and get a divorce? My thing is, if you're having problems or see signs of potential problems down the line, why not end it within the first 5 to 8 years so you would not have wasted a lot of your precious years I just don't get it.

Any thoughts?

Differences don't always present themselves as problems in those first few years. You could have a GREAT relationship for many, many years, but people and relationships are not static. Life experiences cause people to change so the person you date and marry, will not be the same person 15-20-25 years later. Sometimes the changes are for the better and you both adjust to each other; sometimes the people change and they are seriously no longer compatible.

 

[vestaluv1]

I hear about how people that have been together for 15, 25 years just end up breaking up..and for good too. WOW!! How do you even end a 20 year marriage and get a divorce? My thing is, if you're having problems or see signs of potential problems down the line, why not end it within the first 5 to 8 years so you would not have wasted a lot of your precious years I just don't get it.

Any thoughts?

And you will probably never get it unless you have to go through it yourself (I hope you don't)!
These kinds of relationships are complicated and it's more often than not very difficult for one or both to just leave like that... for MANY reasons.
It's easy for look in from the outside and think "what the h3ll" and tell a person the logical answer to a problem, but its just not always so easy... sad but very true.

Be it abuse, family issues, whatever... I can't judge others and their relationships. I am not THEM, have not lived their life and have not, had their background. So many things effect who we are, what kind of relationships we have and how we react to them... but we are all human.
Also, people change, things change... even 20 years later. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT! Even if you've spent two decades with someone and the relationship (which could have been great for the most part) ceases, it doesn't necessarily mean you've wasted all that time... that how life goes sometimes... you live and learn and take your wisdom and experiences along with you sharing what you can with others along the way.

What matters is that they are eventually happy and there is a light at the end of the tunnel... no matter how long that tunnel is .

 

[SilverSurfer]

Thanks for the replies ladies. Yes you all are right, people do change and sometimes those changes don't always happen at the same time. It's just I figured it would be so hard to move on when your life has been intertwined with another's for soooooooo long.

 

[JustKiya]

A whole lot can change in 15-20 years, and you might look up and realize the person you are now married to isn't the person that you married - and you don't want to be married to this person, at all.

 

[Princess4real]

Maybe they stayed because of the kids? Comfortable lifestyle? Habit? And then woke up.

I'm not convinced that just because someone has been married for so long they need to stay married. My parents have been married 30+ years - and people applaud that - but they don't know the foolishness that has been going on within the marriage. And maybe they should have broken up a long time ago, but for whatever reason stayed, and finally woke the hell up and realized life is not over for them. They can find someone to TRULY love and respect them.

Good post and good advice!

 

[dlewis]

I agree with every post here. Syrah you seem to have wonderful parents.

 

[Lebiya]

I think it has everything to do with ignoring the problems from day one - trying to forget about them. Then poof! Your married with the same problems. Then they get worse and worse and as times passes, you feel disconnected- until it becomes a burden just to be in the same room together. This is where good communication and honestly comes in but most couples don’t / didn’t have this.

Also, some people don’t understand that you WILL get bored AT TIMES in a long term relationship/ marriage. This is normal. After all, you ARE the same thing OVER and OVER with the same person, you wont be climbing mountains everyday. This is when you try different things to spice it up! But Instead, too many people want to spice with other people, so they just move on, or cheat.

 

[tenderheaded]

A co worker who had previously been a stay at home mom had her last child get married and to NY, her mom pass away and her husband leave to live with a girlfriend all within a span of 2 weeks. After 32 yrs of marriage she was devastated!

Well, she made a life for herself, but guess what - he became disabled and she let him come back! You leave healthy and come back broke down - IT AIN'T HAPPENING!!!