How do I tell my friend that she needs to wash her hair?

[ellebelle88]

I have a close friend...who I love dearly. She's sitting right across from me as I type this. We just got through cooking and eating dinner and now we both have a case of the "itis." The thing is my friend is resting her hair on one of my couch pillows and I am so bothered by it, especially because I can't just throw it in the washing machine.

Her hair is beyond dirty and is highly fragrant. It smells so sour that whenever I'm around her, I smell her and if she comes over to my house she automatically stinks up the place. I have to keep air freshener spray on hand. Her hair is greasy infested with dandruff down the length of her strands. Once she was using my computer and scratching her hair repeatedly and every time she did that I cringed because I didn't want her dropping dandruff on my computer and touching it with her greasy hands. I really need to tell her to WASH her hair but she is one of my closest friends and I don't even know how to bring up the subject.

I need to tell her ASAP but she thinks my obsession with hair and hair care forums are stupid and she doesn't pay me any mind when I'm going on about things I've learned on the forums and how it has helped me to get my hair healthy. I feel like she is going to brush me off and think that I don't know any better if I tell her washing her hair is a healthy practice but this has to stop. Any suggestions?

 

[kmn1980]

Wow. Well, this is unoriginal and maybe crude but I'd just tell her exactly what you just told us. "Friend, your hair is dirty and it stinks. You need to borrow some shampoo?" How friendly are you two?

 

[iri9109]

if she's really your close friend, than something as little as telling her she needs to wash her hair shouldnt demolish your friendship. she might not even notice that her hair stinks because she's used to the smell...idk maybe if youre worried about hurting her feelings you could ask her what shampoo does she use, and then say you have this really awesome one that she should try b/c it makes your hair soft (or some good thing you like about it).

 

[Ladybelle]

I'm pretty straight with all my friends, so - I'd just tell her. Play it by ear, and base the tactic on the friend. Here are a couple of examples:

Me to friend one: Girl, you need to wash & dc your hair. It smells! Have you smelled it?
Me to friend two: Smell my hair. (let her get a whiff) She responds how good it smells & ask how I get it to smell so good. I then gladly give her the details.
Me to friend three: You should let me do your hair sometime, she does & I buy everything she needs, make a cute little gift basket for her with instructions inside so she can keep doing it on her own.
Me to friend four: My future ex-husband used to love how my hair smelled. She then wants the secret because she wants a husband/boyfriend to love the way her hair smells.


Those are just a few, but I personally interact with different friends based on their personalities, everybody is different.

 

[Allandra]

Wow OP, this is a tough one. Well, if she's your friend and you love her dearly, maybe you should just tell her the truth. After all, there's a nice way to say everything. Well, at least that's what they say.

 

[runwaydream]

idk, thats tough. but i'd be awfully hurt and embarrassed if someone told me my hair is dirty and i need to wash it bc every time i come over their house i stink it up. idc how good of a friend u r, thats gonna take a toll on our friendship.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

She must not be your good good friend. I would tell my homegirls quick, fast and in a hurry "B**ch wash yo damn hair! That sh*t stank!"

 

[PJaye]

Try an anonymous, but very detailed typewritten note/letter. Be sure to leave out any identifying specifics.

 

[Qualitee]

Friend dont take this the wrong way but you need to wash you hair and take care of you dandruff problem The end.

 

[Allandra]

Try an anonymous, but very detailed typewritten note/letter. Be sure to leave out any identifying specifics.

But her friend already thinks she's obsessed with hair and hair care forums. Wouldn't she know it's her?

 

[Pompous Blue]

Ummm, gee!! I can't believe she's one of your "closest friends" and you haven't told her. I'm a clean, neat fanatic and the 1st sign of dandruff or any lapse of hygiene in my friend or family member, they would be told in a kind, loving way.

I don't play that being dirty and smelly!

This may sound selfish, but I would be afraid of guilt by association. If you notice it, those in and around your orbit sure do, too.

Some people do not respond to subtle hints. I would come straight out and tell her and NO, there would be no more visits to my place until she washed and cleaned her body and hair.

Start out with....."Hon' are you feeling okay?" And no matter what she answers, you tell her what you see and smell (with loving kindness.)

Good luck and prayers for you and your friend!

 

[ellebelle88]

Wow, some of yall responses had me CRACKING up in here. She just left to go home. I was going to mention it tonight but I felt like it was just too random to mention this late at night, maybe I will somehow try to bring it up tomorrow.

I've noticed that some people say that if I was really her close friend I would be able to tell her. Yes we are close but I really don't want to hurt her feelings. She's very sensitive and her mom has Stage 5 cancer. I don't want to come off as criticizing her or making her feel self-conscious about her hair. It looks fine, it just needs to be washed. I want to just mention it to her but in a way that she gets the hint that she should wash her hair weekly and I'm not coming off as offensive.

 

[NaturalBeauty<3]

haaaaaaaay giiiiiirl! you wanna go swimming? *hides shampoo behind back*

nah seriously, i've been in that situation. And I kinda ..reverse psychologied her.

*wolf whistles, guy grabs NaturalBeauty arm, she snatches it n k.I.m.*
friend: how do you get so many guys chasing you all the time?! *frustrated*
*NB caught of guard*
NB: WHAA....I know you're not talkin about those thirsty..
*gets whif of hair n breeze*
NB: giiiiiiiirl they loooove fruity smellin hair! she leaned over n smelled my hair...
now she washes her hair more than me. *shrug*
moral of the story: women love men, lol.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

Wow, some of yall responses had me CRACKING up in here. She just left to go home. I was going to mention it tonight but I felt like it was just too random to mention this late at night, maybe I will somehow try to bring it up tomorrow.

I've noticed that some people say that if I was really her close friend I would be able to tell her. Yes we are close but I really don't want to hurt her feelings. She's very sensitive and her mom has Stage 5 cancer. I don't want to come off as criticizing her or making her feel self-conscious about her hair. It looks fine, it just needs to be washed. I want to just mention it to her but in a way that she gets the hint that she should wash her hair weekly and I'm not coming off as offensive.

Oh that's easy then. Take her to be "pampered" so she can relieve some stress.

 

[ellebelle88]

Friend dont take this the wrong way but you need to wash you hair and take care of you dandruff problem The end.

I like approaching it from this angle. I don't think subtle hints will work so I think I'm just going to ask her if she knew she had a little dandruff and then mention to her that I used to have it until I started to wash my hair regularly. I may even mention a shampoo or a good conditioner that I have that she can use. I just hope she gets the hint.

I don't think she ever washes her hair in between relaxers. I'm worried that she may be the type that doesn't like to wash her hair because it "messes up" the relaxer and she doesn't know how to get it feeling like that again on her own.

 

[Allandra]

Wow, some of yall responses had me CRACKING up in here. She just left to go home. I was going to mention it tonight but I felt like it was just too random to mention this late at night, maybe I will somehow try to bring it up tomorrow.

I've noticed that some people say that if I was really her close friend I would be able to tell her. Yes we are close but I really don't want to hurt her feelings. She's very sensitive and her mom has Stage 5 cancer. I don't want to come off as criticizing her or making her feel self-conscious about her hair. It looks fine, it just needs to be washed. I want to just mention it to her but in a way that she gets the hint that she should wash her hair weekly and I'm not coming off as offensive.

Would you be open to volunteering to do her hair (from start to finish) and talk to her about hair care along the way? Tell her how good it feels to cleanse your scalp 'how every many times' a week. Maybe something like that would work.

 

[ellebelle88]

Would you be open to volunteering to do her hair (from start to finish) and talk to her about hair care along the way? Tell her how good it feels to cleanse your scalp 'how every many times' a week. Maybe something like that would work.

No, I don't want to touch her hair! It disgusts me!

 

[empressri]

"your hair looks a little dry, want me to wash it for you? ill throw in a scalp massage and EVERYTHING, whaddya say?" it might ease a little of her tension, with her mom being sick and all.

 

[Myjourney2009]

When I was in my early twenties and overly stressed out and sick of my hair I went on a no washing my hair binge.

I worked at the bank during this time and one of my co-workers told me "your hair looks terrible" or something like that. I was not offended in the least because she was not a malicious person, I actually chuckled. I looked in the mirror and said to myself yeah it does look bad. I went to the BSS to find a cure and thats when I came across motions cpr. This was when it was new and they had this 30 day program for helping to revive dry hair.

It did not look nearly as bad as you have described your friends hair. It was just weighed down very heavy with good ole "perfect for perms"

 

[Myjourney2009]

Her mom is sick this may be why she has neglected her hair, its not important to her.

How about offering to pamper her, take to the salon to get her hair done (inexpensively if you need to). If she asks why are not getting yours done tell her you will another time you just want to make sure she is taken care of properly.

 

[Mz.MoMo5235]

i told my best friend her hair stuck just recently.. i said

"eewww, your hair smells like old relaxer, hair grease and dirt"

and she said

"word?!?! i didnt know. i'mma wash it tonite!"

and the next day her hair smelled like shampoo, hair grease, and hot comb/burnt hair.... it was an improvement.

if you're friends you should be able to talk to each other. hell, i'd be mad at my friends if they DIDNT say i smelled when i did!!!

 

[TeeWhyAre]

"i got some new shampoo that makes your hair smell amazing, i made you a sample."

 

[Hairsnob]

I guess it depends on how your friendship is set up. I can joke with my friends so I'd say something like:

Girl, what'd you do, spill some flower in your head or something? I can see your dandruff flakes from all the way over here and laugh about it. Then I'd ask her how often she washes her hair and what she uses to wash it.

I had a girlfriend whose hair smelled like fried chicken. It really wasn't just her hair but it'd be on her whole body. I'd ask her what'd you do, you just got finished frying chicken? She'd just say yeah and think nothing was wrong. I just asked her if that bothered her because I hate that smell on me so I always make sure I never fry chicken unless I know I'm planning to wash my hair.

 

[Evolving78]

give her a pampering day. wash her hair, give her a pedicure and manicure. get some spa/nature cds, candles, and a bathrobe from walmart. (they have some for $15) have some snacks, drinks and movies. tell her you love her and want to show her that you care about her well-being.

 

[Solitude]

If you can't tell her directly, buy her some products.

 

[cocosweet]

Me: Starts sniffing..."Something smells sour." "Do you smell that?"Walks around as if to find the source of the smell approaches her head and says (complete with sympathetic face) " It's your hair, hun."

Walks away and then comes back as if to make sure..."Yep, it's definitely your hair." "You should handle that."

 

[Britt]

As others have said, I think you should just tell her.

I loathe the smell of dirty hair. Her hair sounds dirty, but some people have scalp problems where their scalp emits a foulish odor. I've smelt it on two people before and both had scalp issues it wasn't necessarily b/c it was dirty. When my friend use to relax she'd get dry scalp and her hair would smell foul by like day 3-4. Ever since she went natural I have not smelt her scalp at all. An old coworker of mine told me she had bad folliculitis.. she'd wash her hair and a few days later her scalp would stink.

 

[PJaye]

But her friend already thinks she's obsessed with hair and hair care forums. Wouldn't she know it's her?

Very good point.

I was grasping at straws because my first instinct would be to ask her, "What's that smell?" and proceed from there.

 

[silenttullip]

Say "oooo girl remember how we were teens and had make up and hair parties we should do that we can do each others hair nails and makeup" she'll either laugh or say sure girl

 

[Spiffy]

I would just say it as if I were very concerned,

You: Friend, are you okay, I saw you scratching your scalp vigorously, as if something is wrong.

Her: Blah blah blah

You: Well how often do you wash your hair?

Her: Blah blah blah

You: Friend, our scalp and hair needs to be cleansed often. Our scalp is skin too and you clean your body everyday, so don't neglect your scalp and hair. Even if you just rinse it in the shower, that helps.

I like the idea mentioned above about offering to pamper her to like a girls day or something. This could be a nice reminder for her not to let her self go in the face of adversity.