How did you get through a painful break up?

proudofmynaps

proudofmynaps

Well-Known Member
I'm going through a rough break up right now. I'm emotionally drain, scared, lonely, hurt and just overall devastated.

I just want to know how did you get over your break up?

How long before you dated again? "I dont plan on dating for at least a year".

Did you learn things about yourself?

Who did the breaking up?

Words of encouragement needed. TIA
 
(((Hugs)))

I did a lot of writing, talked to my friends, cried and stayed busy. Over time things got so much better...to the point that I felt nothing when I saw him.
 
Vent to family & friends.
Play music that makes you feel good about yourself. I wore En Vogues, Give it up turn it loose out, lol.
What did I learn? The difference between being divorced & separated.
I began dating soon after. I didn't mourn long. It was a short relationship anyway.
Also to trust my instincts & believe what I see & feel, not what I am told.
 
I spent a lot of time alone, sad, and thinking about the past and if I made the right decisionin breaking up and in leaving. I know it's not healthy but I needed that time to come to terms with the demise of the relationship and to learn some things about myself. I have a tendency to believe words and not actions and that's a recipe for disaster when dealing with men who talk a good game but don't follow through. Then I did a lot of reading about relationships and red flags and your intuition, etc because this breakup was so different from the rest. I have learned so much from this process and about myself, the most important being that my worth isn't a reflection of someone else's rejection of me or mistreatment of me. It sounds pretty common sense but when you're in a relationship that's not so good for you it can be hard to realize that.

Also, I joined a new gym where I met some new friends. I go nearly every week day which keeps me busy and my mind off of things and the added benefit is feeling wayyyy better not only physically but mentally. And now I'm not dating still and I've been broken up for about 9 months. I am just now getting to the point where I might wanna date soon but for now I just focus on the people and things in my life that have my best interest at heart and so far it's working out :) Hang in there OP, breakups are the worst!
 
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There's a thread on here that really helped me. I dont know how to post it, but I'm sure someone will. It's call thread for the heartbroken or something like that.
 
it generally takes me a full year to be ready to date again, even in breakups that were less painful. that surprised me because even when i want to start dating again, the effort to actually do it comes a lot later than i want it to.

to be perfectly honest, i spend about a good six months partying it up to keep things numb, and then im able to think peacefully about the entire thing and tell myself how to move on. i cant stay inside crying and feeling miserable because that doesnt help me believe i have a better future once i move on :lol:
 
I start dating really soon and going out with friends often. It usually helps not to think of the breakup.
 
Talking and socializing with friends/family, take up a hobby you been wanting to try, join a gym, travel, basically anything to occupy your time. I wouldn't suggest dating right away, since you'll just be rebounding and not find the best man in that state of mind.

Sent from my lavish iPhone
 
Godyssey said:
Vent to family & friends.
Play music that makes you feel good about yourself. I wore En Vogues, Give it up turn it loose out, lol.
What did I learn? The difference between being divorced & separated.
I began dating soon after. I didn't mourn long. It was a short relationship anyway.
Also to trust my instincts & believe what I see & feel, not what I am told.
Click to expand...

This spoke volumes to me.
 
Some tips for you my dear:
Cry
Vent.
Make a list of all the bad attributes and actions of the individual.
Keep the list on your phone, whenever you start to think about the good times, look at the list.
Write him a letter to get everything off your chest, burn it.
Do a new activity, the absence of the person results in more free time. Be productive with it.
Remind yourself why you deserve better, put up post it notes if you need to.
Reflect on it, what did you learn about men, yourself, what do you truly need in a mate.
Try to go for a 15 minute walk everyday, just for you.

It won't be easy, but you can grow through your pain, you really can. You are wonderful and you don't need anyone that does not make your life better, you are precious. Don't be too hard on yourself, treat yourself as you would your best friend.
One day the pain WILL go away. You won't be afraid to love then, you'll realize love did not hurt you, love doesn't hurt, people do. You will learn from this, if you are determined to grow through it and believe that it will get better.

The biggest e hug to you ever darling!
 
Great tips. I'm also going to suggest a favorite blog of many of us over here in the relationship forum.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Don't know if this is where she got it, but some of what humility1990 suggested I read in one of the entries there (i.e. carrying/posting a list of his negative traits, the burn letter).
 
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I am going through a divorce right now, been separated 9 months. It was an extremely difficult, bitter and very painful divorce. We were married 19 years, together 22 total. It was extremely heartbreaking to have given up over half of my life to such a man (I'm only 39, spent more of my life with him than without).

I had the urge to hop into a new relationship immediately, but thankfully, I chose not to. I needed that time to myself. I immersed myself in home projects that I have been putting off for years. As I have a very old, historic home, there were a lot of things to be done. I was determined to rid my home of all traces of him and make it look completely different. It was so therapeutic for me, because I stayed soooo busy, that I didn't sit around and dwell too much. I had lots of period of crying when I came across mementos, such as letters he wrote me back in high school, but I would just chuck them in the trash and keep it moving.

I feel great, now!! I really had to take a hard look at myself to understand why I would allow myself to end up in the situation that I did. I wanted to make certain that I never do again. If I had started dating immediately, it would have only postponed this personal growth and caused me more angst. Definitely should take time to yourself first. I think many women fall for the same losers over and over again because they don't do that.

Just keep very busy, I think it is the best therapy of all. Find something you like and do it or learn a new craft. I've always been handy, but now, I can sell my house at a much higher price after all the upgrades.

ETA: Also, the "no contact" rule is crucial, I mean crucial. Do not talk, text, "bump" into him, anything. I was forced to communicate some because we have two kids, but I kept it strictly to text and very business-like. Anything he said other than about the kids, was ignored. It helps you to heal much faster IMHO
 
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I started dating again right away but it took me years and I mean YEARS to completely get over that breakup.

I dated, went out with girlfriends, traveled, took up hobbies, etc. I did all the things that people say that you're supposed to do to help you move on but in reality the only thing that helped me truly get over that man was time.

I believe that it took me a solid 8 years to finally stop mourning that relationship.
 
Time got me through that period. Time alone. Usually a new man can help you forget a man. In my case that did not work.
 
MizAvalon

8 years..... wow


My last relationship was heartbreaking. Took 2 yrs to be completely good. I cried my eyes out , vented and partied. I'm glad it ended but at that time I was lost. Time was my friend and not once did I contact him. He Reached Out a few months later, however, And My Guy Friends Said He Probably Was Testing The Waters but by then there was no going back.
 
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I'm cracking up at the fact that we all do similar things. There is clearly no magic pill for this. This similarity is powerful and helpful to me. I co-sign all of the above posters' suggestions!

Listen to songs that remind you of good times without him (songs growing up)
Pamper yourself. My budget is so busted. Had to re-do it. Call it a post breakup budget for massages, hair and mani/pedis and perfume, ohhhh perfume. Brings the boys to the yard!
I write (notice present tense) Found a reggae spot that I go to every week alone (I'm a reggae head) Dated (with a focus on one in particular)
Haven't seen him, cut off all his family members too and IDGAF!
I go out quite a bit (forced myself to at first)
I don't talk about him as much as I get angry (which is good) when I think of the relationship roller coaster UNLESS I'm talking to my male friends who have a different way of processing breakups. Empowering but slightly whorish and conceited...to them the girl was wack and they were/are the bomb! NEXT (added other expletive/choice words) That's how ya gotta think!
Read philosophy books, book discussions, university talks and discussions on various topics, personal growth type books (a Renaissance period if you will). A re-invention to be that much doper in the next relationship. (See above point on the post-breakup budget lol - I've been upgrading my gear. Or could be summertime shopping *shrug*)

Still dealing with the feeling of not being "good enough" though.

THIS. TOO. SHALL. PASS.

When the emotional cloud lessens, you'll be faced with just the facts. This is when you can put up that middle finger.
 
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Fine 4s said:
I'm cracking up at the fact that we all do similar things. There is clearly no magic pill for this. This similarity is powerful and helpful to me. I co-sign all of the above posters' suggestions!

Listen to songs that remind you of good times without him (songs growing up)
Pamper yourself. My budget is so busted. Had to re-do it. Call it a post breakup budget for massages, hair and mani/pedis and perfume, ohhhh perfume. Brings the boys to the yard!
I write (notice present tense) Found a reggae spot that I go to every week alone (I'm a reggae head) Dated (with a focus on one in particular)
Haven't seen him, cut off all his family members too and IDGAF!
I go out quite a bit (forced myself to at first)
I don't talk about him as much as I get angry (which is good) when I think of the relationship roller coaster UNLESS I'm talking to my male friends who have a different way of processing breakups. Empowering but slightly whorish and conceited...to them the girl was wack and they were/are the bomb! NEXT (added other expletive/choice words) That's how ya gotta think!
Read philosophy books, book discussions, university talks and discussions on various topics, personal growth type books (a Renaissance period if you will). A re-invention to be that much doper in the next relationship. (See above point on the post-breakup budget lol - I've been upgrading my gear. Or could be summertime shopping *shrug*)

Still dealing with the feeling of not being "good enough" though.

THIS. TOO. SHALL. PASS.

When the emotional cloud lessens, you'll be faced with just the facts. This is when you can put up that middle finger.
Click to expand...

This is so true. Those rose-colored glasses will come off and you start looking at the relationship objectively. A lot of times, you'll realize that it wasn't as great as you thought it was.
 
I am still waiting to date...after being broken up with my ex for 4 years... yikes! It's sad that I haven't dated in all these years. :-(
 
humility1990 said:
Some tips for you my dear:
Cry
Vent.
Make a list of all the bad attributes and actions of the individual.
Keep the list on your phone, whenever you start to think about the good times, look at the list.
Write him a letter to get everything off your chest, burn it.
Do a new activity, the absence of the person results in more free time. Be productive with it.
Remind yourself why you deserve better, put up post it notes if you need to.
Reflect on it, what did you learn about men, yourself, what do you truly need in a mate.
Try to go for a 15 minute walk everyday, just for you.

It won't be easy, but you can grow through your pain, you really can. You are wonderful and you don't need anyone that does not make your life better, you are precious. Don't be too hard on yourself, treat yourself as you would your best friend.
One day the pain WILL go away. You won't be afraid to love then, you'll realize love did not hurt you, love doesn't hurt, people do. You will learn from this, if you are determined to grow through it and believe that it will get better.

The biggest e hug to you ever darling!
Click to expand...

humility1990 thank you for the words of encouragement.
 
Gym time, prayer, etc.

Start dating ASAP. Make a Pinterest board. Don't stalk him on social media...remove him if necessary.


Time heals all wounds. I went through a bad breakup last year, and I finally understand I had to go through that to be where I'm at now. You will make it through this. :-)
 
I got in shape. It's great to work out for yourself but it is good to have them looking like damn. Couseling is good too so you process why he wasn't the one for you. Cut off all communications.
 
Workout, hung out with friends, pick-up a new hobby and removed him from social media. Basically just focused on me and over time I was better. Best wishes!!!
 
time time time and trying not to think of that relationship. when thoughts of him came up which was often i blocked it out. i made new memories. i vented and wrote in my journal. made new goals for myself. i found something that distracted me for awhile like online poker lol, reading, trips w/ friends etc.
 
A new man...

I wanted to be ratchet with it, but I changed my mind. A new man is good enough. :look:
 
I never recovered well from a break up, so I know what not to do. Don't isolate yourself. Don't avoid meeting new friends, male and female. Don't wallow in thoughts and memories of him. Don't cut your hair. Don't overeat.
 
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