How can I sell him?

[C@ssandr@]

Ladies,

A good friend of mine wants to get back in the dating pool after a serious depressive episode. Actually he is bipolar, and receives disability for it.

Now, the only reason I'm helping him is because I know he's honest-to-god a good guy and wants to settle down and live the "american" dream just like the rest of us.

Before his illness started giving him a hard time, he used to work under the governor in the real estate sector. His anxiety got the best of him which caused him to ultimately resign. He has been on the up and up lately though and has found his footing which allows him to function well.

My question is, when he approaches women and they ask him what he does for a living, how should he handle this? He is on permanent disability that is funded by the many years he worked for the gov't. He does IT as a hobby and is a member of MENSA. He has college credits, and one of his certificates are from NYU.

Help me, help a brother out please?

And be nice.

 

[danniegirl]

tell the god honest truth .......

does he ever see himself working full time again or can he envision himself making money from his IT hobby.

if so he can still say he is currently on disability but he is working towards XYZ if he is actually working towards XYZ

 

[LiftedUp]

He can say that " [He] does IT as a hobby and is a member of MENSA. However, owing to past issues, currently on permanent disability that is funded by the many years he worked for the gov't."

I don't think that he will have that of a hard time. Also, not sure if you're thinking of it, but if I were you, I wouldn't set him up with any of my friends.

 

[Allandra]

tell the god honest truth .......

does he ever see himself working full time again or can he envision himself making money from his IT hobby.

if so he can still say he is currently on disability but he is working towards XYZ if he is actually working towards XYZ

I agree with what danniegirl says here.

 

[C@ssandr@]

tell the god honest truth .......

does he ever see himself working full time again or can he envision himself making money from his IT hobby.

if so he can still say he is currently on disability but he is working towards XYZ if he is actually working towards XYZ

Yes, he has aspirations of finishing up his degree (he's 33) but he is studying from home since he is not ready for school yet. I don't think he can take on permanent work w/o messing up his disability, but I'm not sure.

He can say that " [He] does IT as a hobby and is a member of MENSA. However, owing to past issues, currently on permanent disability that is funded by the many years he worked for the gov't."

I don't think that he will have that of a hard time. Also, not sure if you're thinking of it, but if I were you, I wouldn't set him up with any of my friends.

Girl please, I would not bring my friends into this. It would be too weird

I was going to suggest that he start volunteering so he can at least say he does something. But right now he simply spends hours indoors with his IT stuff (and sports). He only goes out every now and then.

 

[TayMac]

He sounds like a good candidate for online dating.

 

[secretdiamond]

Yes, he has aspirations of finishing up his degree (he's 33) but he is studying from home since he is not ready for school yet. I don't think he can take on permanent work w/o messing up his disability, but I'm not sure.



Girl please, I would not bring my friends into this. It would be too weird

I was going to suggest that he start volunteering so he can at least say he does something. But right now he simply spends hours indoors with his IT stuff (and sports). He only goes out every now and then.

Well, I think the first thing he should try to do is work up to going outside more often. If he is still not yet comfortable with transitioning back into society, how can he be ready for a girlfriend?

Plus, him getting out will expose him more to potential mates.

best of luck to him.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Well, I think the first thing he should try to do is work up to going outside more often. If he is still not yet comfortable with transitioning back into society, how can he be ready for a girlfriend?

Plus, him getting out will expose him more to potential mates.

best of luck to him.

Frankly, I think he's tired of being alone. Alot of people don't think about the work they have to put into rlshps. But, you are right, I will bring this up to him.

I really appreciate the input so far.

 

[danniegirl]

Well, I think the first thing he should try to do is work up to going outside more often. If he is still not yet comfortable with transitioning back into society, how can he be ready for a girlfriend?

Plus, him getting out will expose him more to potential mates.

best of luck to him.

This is what i was also thinking, if he starts getting active Gym, school, hobbies out side of his home he will potentially meet someone and he will have a back story

 

[MzLady78]

Well, I think the first thing he should try to do is work up to going outside more often. If he is still not yet comfortable with transitioning back into society, how can he be ready for a girlfriend?

Plus, him getting out will expose him more to potential mates.

best of luck to him.

Agreed. I definitely understand the loneliness aspect but I'm not sure he's really ready for a relationship. Sounds like he still has some working on himself to do.

You're a good friend for trying to help him out, though.

 

[hopeful]

I would just say I do various IT jobs from home. Most people don't and won't need to know more than that. He would only need to share more details with someone he was becoming more serious with. I think that info (disability, anxiety, etc.) will scare most people off, as well as not being done with college yet at 33. For now he just needs to stay healthy and get his feet wet in the dating pool by asking a lady out, following through on a few dates, having a little fun, etc. I feel like only someone who seems to genuinely like him and has an interest in him needs to know about the details of his anxiety issues, disability, needing to leave his job, etc. I would also encourage him to not let those issues define him. He needs to focus on his positive qualities and his future IMO. If he's decent looking, kind, determined, and really healing and moving forward, I don't think he will have much trouble meeting a nice young lady.

 

[CarLiTa]

Not to be the sourpuss, but is his plan to not work and continue collecting disability?

Will disability payments run for the next 30 or so years? If he's lonely, looking for a girlfriend (and perhaps eventually find a wife... though you didn't say that in the post), then relying on disability alone isn't a good strategy. Will it be enough to take care of a family?

I think he needs to assess the reasons why he's seeking a girlfriend, and what the implications are if he were to be successful at finding one.

I get the sense from this post that he hasn't thought it through. His desire is coming from a want of companionship, but what about the rest? The compromises he'll have to make, the potential that he could meet his future wife, etc.

Anyway, ditto on him working up the courage to go out and interact with people. He'll have better luck with someone he gets to know over time (though I feel like I am saying this from a super biased POV).

 

[lux10023]

^^^ i was thinking the same thing.....disability is not something one can support a family on...

 

[barbiesocialite]

Nice guy or not this man does not appear to be ready for marriage, a wife and kids. His expectations for marriage itself seem unrealistic.

If he can barely take care of himself, how is he going to take care of his wife and his kds? He's supposed to be the family's rock. Their leader, their guider, their protector. When all else fails they can rely and depend on him to make it all right. Even during times when in his mind he's scared and doesnt know what to do, his wife and kids will never know......

Don't you dare set this man and some unsuspecting woman up for failure.

 

[Layluh]

So we working with brothas now? Is there anyone in this thread who would even want to be sold on this man?

OP, I'd be mad as hell at you if you tried to hook me up with this dude lol.

 

[sunnydaze]

I agree w/ Layluh. Op i know your intentions are good, but nothing about this man sounds appealing. I feel like he needs to be concerned with other things right now...

 

[Avyn]

He shouldn't be in the dating marketplace and you should not be his vendor. Sounds like tainted goods to me. I would not appreciate being sold on him.

Let him do the work and sell himself if thats what he wants. 33 year old men have made comebacks from things far worse than bipolar disorder. He can do it.

 

[shespoison]

Everybody needs love. There are women with mental illnesses so if their illnesses don't um....conflict, maybe that can work for them.

I'm no psych but I just watched Silverlinjngs playbook or whatever that movie is called. Lol

 

[sweetvi]

I am sure he can find someone. For example, My cousin dated her guy even though knowing he might be bipolar. So she felt she had to protect him and give him support towards his treatment. She even had kids with him. No comment!

So what I'm trying to say is that he will find someone. Just let him do it alone and encourage him

 

[Mortons]

Some women are married to men even worse off than him, so there is a lid for every pot. However, if he wants to find something solid he needs to get back into the working world. I have many friends who are bipolar at varying levels and they all have jobs. I know that each persons illness is different, however, he does need to bring something to the table and as a man I feel that should at least be personal financial and life stability.

Dating can sometimes really wear down your self esteem and cause you worse anxiety, so I would actually advise he hold off on that.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Sometimes you have to tell people the cold, hard truth. Esp men.

Although not bipolar, I have a male relative that wants to settle down and I had to tell him straight up "listen, I would never hook you up with any of my friends. Water seeks it's own level--get yourself together" basically, for the type of relationship and woman he wants he is not good enough, not up to snuff and out of his league. That can be changed but at present, it is what it is.

 

[LiftedUp]

Whilst me may not be my cup of tea, and I do not think that he is in the best place to be anyone's boyfriend, fiance or husband, the bottom line is that there are many women out there who would gladly scoop him up. It's not that bleak out there for men. He just has to leave the house, look presentable, and try not to give her too much to digest on the first date.

 

[pearcey]

relationships are stressful and may cause a relapse.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I put all of the opinions in this thread in a concise email to him. I realllly appreciate the input

Frankly, I do not believe he should be seeking a rlshp either. However, he ain't my bf so I won't be on the receiving end of whatever he has to offer. The thing is, I do care, and since I do believe there are adult women who'd complement him (take that in anyway you want), it's ultimately their choice if they want to get committed in some way.

I'm just lending a helping hand.

 

[Fine 4s]

This is my friend all the way!
He use to attract very attractive women.
No he doesn't work and on disability and can't pull nearly the same kind of women. So sad to see!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

No offense OP, but I wouldn't set him up with any of my friends..... He may be a nice guy, but that bipolar disorder is no joke. I've seen first-hand what it does to a family member...

Has he considered online dating maybe? Or perhaps a site where other people suffer from depression or bipolar disorder? Someone who would understand in other words?

 

[southerncitygirl]

Mental illness of any kind would be a dealbreaker for me or any other woman I know.

There has to be online sites for dating with disabilities as it relates to mental illness, heck they have them for folks with herpes

You are a good friend to ask for suggestions for him but I find men never focus on what they need to and will try to date, approach and get women with ole raggedy circumstances (and expect us to work with them, smdh). When one is unemployed and/or disabled their objective should be improving their situation first & foremost.

 

[C@ssandr@]

No offense OP, but I wouldn't set him up with any of my friends..... He may be a nice guy, but that bipolar disorder is no joke. I've seen first-hand what it does to a family member...

Has he considered online dating maybe? Or perhaps a site where other people suffer from depression or bipolar disorder? Someone who would understand in other words?

Do you know of any websites?

Mental illness of any kind would be a dealbreaker for me or any other woman I know.

There has to be online sites for dating with disabilities as it relates to mental illness, heck they have them for folks with herpes

You are a good friend to ask for suggestions for him but I find men never focus on what they need to and will try to date and get women with ole raggedy circumstances. When one is unemployed and/or disabled their objective should be improving their situation first & foremost.

Agreed.

For the record y'all, I never said anything about hooking him up with friends. The question basically is, what's his best approach considering his circumstances?

 

[cheetarah1980]

I look at mental illness (i.e. depression, bipolar disorder, etc.) like addiction issues when it comes to a person's dateability. The issue needs to be under control and have been under control for several years if I was to ever even consider it. I do not think that people who live with these issues are undateable. I have a close family member with bipolar disorder and I would hate to think that alone should keep him from finding love and having a family. However, I do think they need to get their house in very tight order before they can put themselves out as a viable partner. These issues tend to cause people's lives to fall apart professionally, financially, etc. What usually happens is the person needs to get the issue under control (which can take a while) before they start addressing the messes they've made out of their careers, finances, and relationships. Just because a person is getting help doesn't mean they are really ready to be bring another person into their orbit.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Do you know of any websites?



Agreed.

For the record y'all, I never said anything about hooking him up with friends. The question basically is, what's his best approach considering his circumstances?

keyawarren
Unfortunately I don't off the top of my head... But I'm sure if you search online for bipolar support groups/forums or dating sites something may come up.

Even the mental health forum on Healthboards.com | Bipolar Disorder might offer people who suffer from the disorder a LOT of information, stories of inspiration, people who are in the same boat and can relate, advice & tips, and just general info that most don't even look into since they don't suffer from the disorder.

Hope that helps!