His baby mom showed up at the bbq!! NEED INPUT!!

TamaraShaniece

TamaraShaniece

Ayurvedic Life
Okay my boyfriend is going to call me when he gets back from break at 10:30 so I need advice fast.

Saturday evening/night my boyfriends family threw his great aunt a surprise birthday party. Long and behold my boyfriends baby mom shows up. She knew of the bbq and told no one that she even was going to show up.

I got upset that she was there (and I let it be known which I apologize for) because I felt as though it was inappropriate for her to be there. My boyfriends dad agreed that she shouldn't have been there and said something to my boyfriend and his mom about it. They both said they didn't invite her.

I feel like she came on purpose and no one really understands why I'm upset. All I kept hearing all night was "Just let it go" :blah: and "Your letting her get to you" (which would obviously make her the winner in this situation) This sounds childish just explaining this.

My boyfriend didn't invite her, but he didn't tell her not to show up either? (should he even had to?) He was the first one to run into her at the bbq, should he have asked her to leave? Am I overreacting?

This was a family and friend bbq...your only relation to the family is your my bf's son's mom. You're no one's aunt, sister, cousin, gf, wife, etc....none except for being the little ones mom. I don't think because your the mom entitles you to family functions UNLESS that kind of relationship is established which it isn't over here.
 
So the child didn't deserve to be at the function because you can't woman up? (not trying to be rude) I think you are overreacting. He says he didn't invite her she probably did just show up to get under your skin if you all have bad blood, or maybe she felt why couldn't her baby enjoy a party just because her bd got a new boo? Fr as long as you are with that man she will be in his life through his child. Take a breath, be the bigger person and let it go. Be secure with yourself and your relationship. :yep:
 
Calm down, you are overreacting a bit. You said it yourself, nobody invited her, so there's no one to be mad at (except for her but that's pointless as you're not in a relationship with her). If you'd like, you can use this opportunity to have a conversation with your boyfriend. He should let her know that showing up was inappropriate and let her know not to do it again. It's up to him to shut it down but don't make him wrong in this, it's not his fault.

Oh, and about getting visibly upset... never let 'em see you sweat. Ever. She wasn't worth it. You gave her too much power.
 
You think she wants him back?
You think she's trying to maintain her place with his family?
You think she views you as a temporary gf, and that all she has to do is wait you out?
If any of that is actually true, you'd fall right into her trap by acting up about this.
i see it's after 10:30.
Hope it goes well with your bf.
 
Hate it or love it, she's blood related to a member of the family. IDK the full story, but you are probably gonna have to see her from time to time and you shouldn't let her presence bother you. As long as the BF made it clear that you are his woman, now don't sweat it.
 
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The thing about creating drama at these types of events is, it's not your event and it puts a damper on the mood of a celebration for someone else. I would have expressed my feelings to my boyfriend and then let him handle it from there.

Being that they have a child together I imagine you will have to see and hear about this person on a frequent basis. Maybe your boyfriend wants to have a friendly relationship with his baby mama since they have a child together.
 
The baby was there.....he came w/ his dad and myself.

Thanks everyone I hear you loud and clear and I did get mad at my bf and your absolutely right...its not his fault she showed up. However, he didn't say anything to her his dad did which I did get mad at him for. It should have been my bf's to say something to her but he didn't. But I understand him tryna keep the peace w/ her.

A small back story....she does things to get under my skin. She'll do things to visibly show me that she's still comfortable in the house when she gets there. So I took her showing up as her way of say...."yea we're not together anymore but i'm still going to every family bbq rather ur here or not or like it or not"

Thanks ladies....seeing it w/ different perspectives really help me see it better. I need to grow the hell up
 
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TheEspressoHair said:
My boyfriend didn't invite her, but he didn't tell her not to show up either? (should he even had to?) He was the first one to run into her at the bbq, should he have asked her to leave? Am I overreacting?
Click to expand...

Yes, you are.

TheEspressoHair said:
This was a family and friend bbq...your only relation to the family is your my bf's son's mom. You're no one's aunt, sister, cousin, gf, wife, etc....none except for being the little ones mom. I don't think because your the mom entitles you to family functions UNLESS that kind of relationship is established which it isn't over here.
Click to expand...

At this point, she is more of a family member, then you are...
 
I understand why you're upset.

But like others have stated, you overreacted /handled it poorly.

The BM may have showed up to get to you and she did. Don't let her do that ever again.

She may be trying to put a rift in between you and your BF. Don't let her be successful in doing that.

Most men hate arguing and they definitely don't want to do that in front of their friends/ family.

He may have opted to let it slide due to the nature of the event and called her out on it at a later date.

I would have spoke to him about it post-party. During I would have been all smiles, cordial but not overly friendly to BM.

Right now the family may think BD has 2 crazy women...you and her!

Be prepared for BM to do crazy stuff, but your BF should handle her, and you decide if you want to live in BabyDaddy City.
 
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girl you messed and don't let that ever happen again. if you need to go somewhere and count until the sheep come home, do it! i am on both ends of the spectrum. remember it's all about the children. if she is a threat, time will tell, but you just be on your P's and Q's. don't let that ever knock you off of your square again!
 
I have a couple relatives with BMs & their BMs are like extended family. They are with us at the most important times in our family life - funerals, holidays, weddings, at the hospital when relatives are sick or dying. . .

It probably was not worth fighting that battle at that moment but BM is part of the BD package.
 
I know I shouldn't say it, but... This is one of the reasons why I couldn't do men with kids. :nono: I can't blame you for how you are feeling, because I know I'd be annoyed that she was around. :nono: It sounds like she is a little catty and possibly immature. I could be crazy, but I don't see why she was at the bbq if you and your so brought the baby. :huh: Maybe you should really evaluate if this is something you want to deal with long term. She will probably keep popping up, especially if she knows it bothers you. :ohwell:

Did you have the talk with your so?
 
So the baby was there already? Hmph! I was on BM side until that fact came out. Thought she was dropping the baby off or something.

Nobody invited her and she just popped up? Ugh! Get ready girl. This is the kind of ish you will be dealing with as long as you are with him. She gave him his first born child and will always be in the picture.

Whew I'm so glad I didn't date a guy with a kid! I'd be feeling salty too!

Sent from my SGPT12 using LHCF
 
gabulldawg said:
I know I shouldn't say it, but... This is one of the reasons why I couldn't do men with kids. :nono: I can't blame you for how you are feeling, because I know I'd be annoyed that she was around. :nono: It sounds like she is a little catty and possibly immature. I could be crazy, but I don't see why she was at the bbq if you and your so brought the baby. :huh: Maybe you should really evaluate if this is something you want to deal with long term. She will probably keep popping up, especially if she knows it bothers you. :ohwell:

Did you have the talk with your so?
Click to expand...

Yes. Unfortunately he called when I hit submit thread. He said things similar if not exactly wat yall were sayin. I think because I was still upset I wasn't tryna hearthe "overreacting" and hung up. I was trippin real bad but I understand now. . Thanks Ladies
 
I'm an ex-wife (or BM if you prefer) and my ex-DH's family still treats me like family. They send me invitations to family reunions, inform me of funerals, and even stop by and say hello when they are in town. My ex-father-in-law came down over the summer to see my son. He was going to get a hotel but we have a guest room so current DH invited him to just stay at the house (maximize visit time with his grandson). He stayed up late playing video games with his my son and then passed out on the floor in his play room. He got up in the morning and took us (including current DH) to IHOP for breakfast.

Now, not just this thread but several other threads...I've seen issues with the BM. I get that woman can be childish and sometimes go out of their way to make a new gf uncomfortable. My EX-DH is not dating anyone seriously at this moment but I don't intend to change my relationship with his family if he does remarry. I've been close with his family for years. I seldom go to their family functions because they live mostly in Texas but if they had a get together and I went, that would not make me immature, or mean that I was trying to usurp the position of his new gf/wife.

Likewise, when I married EX-DH, he already had a daughter. I made it a point to befriend his daughter's mother because I was a step-mother to her child. She resisted at first but now we speak cordially (even after DH and I divorced). I realize this isn't possible in every circumstance but if you intend to be serious with this man, you should probably at least try to make peace with her. I know it's kind of expected that we just can't stand whomever the ex was when you're the new woman in town but things don't always have to be dramatic.

Maybe (once you are more serious) you should try to get to know her on her own merits before you damn her to hell for being the EX. My EX-DH told me all kinds of HORRIBLE things about his daughter's mom that did not all turn out to be true (at least from my point of view).

You didn't indicate that she has been rude to you in the past, only that she just shows up to stuff. How long were your SO and her together?

Now, I would not show up uninvited. But, I wonder if she was really uninvited. Sometimes there are messy people in families and she may have been invited by someone that you are not aware of?

Time to go start a spinoff thread. :lol:
 
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letskeepntouch said:
I'm an ex-wife (or BM if you prefer) and my ex-DH's family still treats me like family. They send me invitations to family reunions, inform me of funerals, and even stop by and say hello when they are in town. My ex-father-in-law came down over the summer to see my son. He was going to get a hotel but we have a guest room so current DH invited him to just stay at the house (maximize visit time with his grandson). He stayed up late playing video games with his my son and then passed out on the floor in his play room. He got up in the morning and took us (including current DH) to IHOP for breakfast.

Now, not just this thread but several other threads...I've seen issues with the BM. I get that woman can be childish and sometimes go out of their way to make a new gf uncomfortable. My EX-DH is not dating anyone seriously at this moment but I don't intend to change my relationship with his family if he does remarry. I've been close with his family for years. I seldom go to their family functions because they live mostly in Texas but if they had a get together and I went, that would not make me immature, or mean that I was trying to usurp the position of his new gf/wife.

Likewise, when I married EX-DH, he already had a daughter. I made it a point to befriend his daughter's mother because I was a step-mother to her child. She resisted at first but now we speak cordially (even after DH and I divorced). I realize this isn't possible in every circumstance but if you intend to be serious with this man, you should probably at least try to make peace with her. I know it's kind of expected that we just can't stand whomever the ex was when you're the new woman in town but things don't always have to be dramatic.

Maybe (once you are more serious) you should try to get to know her on her own merits before you damn her to hell for being the EX. My EX-DH told me all kinds of HORRIBLE things about his daughter's mom that did not all turn out to be true (at least from my point of view).

You didn't indicate that she has been rude to you in the past, only that she just shows up to stuff. How long were your SO and her together?

Now, I would not show up uninvited. But, I wonder if she was really uninvited. Sometimes there are messy people in families and she may have been invited by someone that you are not aware of?
Click to expand...

Girl you are speaking the truth all up and through here!
 
TheEspressoHair said:
Yes. Unfortunately he called when I hit submit thread. He said things similar if not exactly wat yall were sayin. I think because I was still upset I wasn't tryna hearthe "overreacting" and hung up. I was trippin real bad but I understand now. . Thanks Ladies
Click to expand...

Glad you see that you overreacted. It'll be ok. Just decide if this is really the type of relationship you want be in.

Sent from my SGPT12 using LHCF
 
letskeepntouch said:
You didn't indicate that she has been rude to you in the past, only that she just shows up to stuff. How long were your SO and her together?

Now, I would not show up uninvited. But, I wonder if she was really uninvited. Sometimes there are messy people in families and she may have been invited by someone that you are not aware of?

Time to go start a spinoff thread. :lol:
Click to expand...

letskeepntouch She hasn't shown up to family events before (maybe cause she was working) but there has been numerous times where she'll walk n2 the house and she will say hi to to everyone but me. My bf and his mom noticed and said somethin to her about it but now she does it on purpose. So I felt like her showin up uninvited was her takin a jab at me.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months but I've known him since 2002. My brother (family friend) is his bestfriend so so iKve always had a little crush on him. But no one invited her.
 
You will be better off trying to be her friend rather than her enemy. That's all I got, it's already happened and you've gotten great advice already. I just don't want to see you sabotage and perfectly good relationship for whatever reason. Play nice.
 
Unpopular opinion: YOU were wrong. The BM is blood related whether you like it or not and you have no right to dictate whether she can show up to SOMEONE ELSE'S function.
 
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I see where your coming from, but how long were they together before yall were? did she used to come around the family? are they close? if not then her coming uninvited (if it were truly uninvited like the other poster said)was unacceptable. you should definitely tell your boyfriend to tell her not to do it again. If their relationship was a long one and she was indeed close with the family, then coming to certain events would be ok ,if invited, but if it was a short relationship and she was not close to the family then i dont feel that she should come to any events at all. their child should but why would she even want to other than to get under your skin? she may feel replaced or something like that but in time she should quit but dont let her know that she is getting under your skin because then she will continue.
 
She is family. I would expect her to be at family events.

My cousins ex-wife is invited to and attends a lot of family events. She is welcomed even if she is not invited. His wife cannot deal with it but oh well. She married a man with an ex-wife and kids.

If you cannot get past this, you probably should date a man without kids.
 
TheEspressoHair said:
Yes. Unfortunately he called when I hit submit thread. He said things similar if not exactly wat yall were sayin. I think because I was still upset I wasn't tryna hearthe "overreacting" and hung up. I was trippin real bad but I understand now. . Thanks Ladies
Click to expand...

Real talk OP you shd kill her with kindness, bringing this unnecessary drama at a family event isn't a good look, who are you to say who can or can't attend.
 
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