He's not my type - should i give him a chance?

[Bublin]

Was going post in another thread but...well..you know....

So the guy i'm dating i have decided after just two dates to put on the back burner.

Anyway, i have known this guy at work for many years and i have never felt an attraction towards him. You see, i always go for the very good looks who always turn out to be a nightmare...these type always give me the butterflies and that is what i'm used to. Without those strong initial feelings i am not interested.

We recently starting talking about relationships and we were both shocked to find out we are both single and went through similar with our ex's. Hes said we shoudl go out for a drink and talk about our woes and laughed a little.

So, I have just picked up an email (the next day) and he is officially asking for a drink.

So i'm taking this to mean he 'likes me'.

We work in different buildings and colleagues of mine have worked with him closely and have nothing but good things to say about him but i just don't fancy him. My work mates are saying i need to step out of the box and go for someone who will take care of me and not play me. They say if i spend time with him i WILL see a different side to him and may grow to really like him (they have had drinks with him afterwork and such whilst i only know him in passing little chats at work).

I don't know if i'm going to accept but wish i could feel some kind of spark. i think that feeling is really clouding my judgement . I'm a sucker for fireworks and butterfly feelings and it always ends badly.

Has anyone else felt this way and then that man has grown on them to the point where they start fancying them?

 

[Fine 4s]

Butterfly feelings are great to have but overrated IMO.
Go out for a drink, have fun, don't think of it as nothing more than an opportunity to get to know someone new better. Take it from there.....

 

[MzLady78]

As long as he doesn't repulse you, I say give him a chance.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting that butterflies, get your panties moist feeling, but for me, most of the guys I've dealt with that made me feel like that weren't good for much else.

 

[Bublin]

As long as he doesn't repulse you, I say give him a chance.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting that butterflies, get your panties moist feeling, but for me, most of the guys I've dealt with that made me feel like that weren't good for much else.

No he doesn't repulse me...i just look at him and see 'friend'.

Yep everyone i've had butterflies for has treated me like crap.

Wow, i need to sort myself out as i'm sitting here feeling disappointed that someone is genuinely interested in me and i don't fancy him/no lustful feelings...nothing

 

[Fine 4s]

But you can use your lack of lust to focus more on friendship! I say it's a safe way to go...

 

[MzLady78]

No he doesn't repulse me...i just look at him and see 'friend'.

Yep everyone i've had butterflies for has treated me like crap.

Wow, i need to sort myself out as i'm sitting here feeling disappointed that someone is genuinely interested in me and i don't fancy him/no lustful feelings...nothing

Don't beat yourself up over it too much. I think it's natural to want to feel that way.

I just think that when you get to a certain point in your life, you have to really look at which is more important- that feeling (which may not always last) or someone that meets all your other requirements and will be a good mate. Also, with the right person, that chemistry can develop over time.

Now this isn't to say that you have to settle for one or the other, because it is possible to find someone who does it for you in all areas. But I don't think you should rule out getting to know this person just because of the initial lack of spark.

 

[Bublin]

Ladies, thank you so much for the great advice. I have just emailed him to say we can do lunch during work time. Yes, i'll focus on friendship first.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

No he doesn't repulse me...i just look at him and see 'friend'.

Yep everyone i've had butterflies for has treated me like crap.

Wow, i need to sort myself out as i'm sitting here feeling disappointed that someone is genuinely interested in me and i don't fancy him/no lustful feelings...nothing

Yay! I'm glad you decided to go out w/him for drinks Bublin!

I know exactly how you feel though....just ONCE I would like to have something "mutual" with a guy that I really am interested in from JUMP. It's always the other way around for me.

I don't advocate trying to force yourself to like a guy if you have NO romantic feelings for him whatsoever.....HOWEVER, I DO advocate giving respectful, decent guys who ARE interested in you at least a chance to get to know you.

You just never know! He could surprise you! I think looks and the butterfly feeling (although nice! ) are sometimes overrated. Of course, I would love to feel some type of chemistry with a guy that I'm also attracted to as well, BUT...I think that in the long run, attraction is sooo much more than just LOOKS. A lot of times, a man's good character, the way he treats you, the way he compliments you and talks to you can ALSO add to that feeling of "attraction".

So...give us an update and tell us how the little outing went!

 

[CurliDiva]

Are you attracted to him? Do you share similar interests and values?

I gave a short guy a chance, and he turned out to one of the best relationship and coloring partner of my life!

 

[Dposh167]

See this is the type of thinking i had. I missed out on some good potential friendships with some guys all cuz i didnt like them like that and if i didnt see them as a potential bf or date i didnt wany anything to do with them. U and the guy may just end up being good friends. Or u may end up,liking him. U never know. I agree with the rest. Go into with the mentality of a friend first. and dont force urself to like him. If it happens it happens

 

[meesch]

No he doesn't repulse me...i just look at him and see 'friend'.

Yep everyone i've had butterflies for has treated me like crap.

Wow, i need to sort myself out as i'm sitting here feeling disappointed that someone is genuinely interested in me and i don't fancy him/no lustful feelings...nothing

i think it's sort of desperate/settling to date a guy you know you aren't really interested in. what's the point? you'd obviously dump him in the long run...

 

[hopeful]

i think it's sort of desperate/settling to date a guy you know you aren't really interested in. what's the point? you'd obviously dump him in the long run...

I kinda agree, especially after her knowing her worth revelation, doing this sounds counterproductive.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Yeah. I've grown to like friend types before. Not all the time, but it can surprise you. Especially if there's more to them than you first thought.

However, imo only if you have known this guy for years and talked to him in depth many times (?) you may just not fancy him.

Definitely with new people I think its best to give non pretty boy-instant spark types a chance. I think your friends are right. Maybe not this dude, but varying up your choices.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I definitely echo the sentiments of other ladies on this board.

Plus...I'll also add....

That sometimes....SOMETIMES... When you're not initially attracted to a guy, it actually makes things a whole lot EASIER....at least for me. Because I only see him as a "friend", I feel like I can be more relaxed and more myself around him. Not only that, but I'm not waiting up at all hours of the night for his phone call , so he doesn't end up getting a "desperate vibe" from me.

Honestly, it is MUCH easier for me to be myself, take an OBJECTIVE view of the guy and do "The Rules" when I'm not blinded by attraction and only view the guy as a friend/a fun companion.

 

[Bublin]

I kinda agree, especially after her knowing her worth revelation, doing this sounds counterproductive.

I understand where you are coming from and i was thinking i'm now feeling/acting desperate.
Yes, i know my worth and i deserve to be with a man who treats me right. It's all well and good getting a guy to buy me expensive theatre tickets but if i have that deep down gut feeling he is not the one for me (for a few reasons i say this) i should also hold onto what i said and walk away knowing what i deserve.

My ex is a wicked narcissist and belittled me to near breaking point. I know i deserve a man who doesn't treat me like that. Sorry thing is i may have to change the kind of man i date to have this as those pretty men that i fall so hard for are no good.

Sigh.

 

[Bublin]

I definitely echo the sentiments of other ladies on this board.

Plus...I'll also add....

That sometimes....SOMETIMES... When you're not initially attracted to a guy, it actually makes things a whole lot EASIER....at least for me. Because I only see him as a "friend", I feel like I can be more relaxed and more myself around him. Not only that, but I'm not waiting up at all hours of the night for his phone call , so he doesn't end up getting a "desperate vibe" from me.

Honestly, it is MUCH easier for me to be myself, take an OBJECTIVE view of the guy and do "The Rules" when I'm not blinded by attraction and only view the guy as a friend/a fun companion.

THIS...i cannot bear it . I am a busy independent woman and then i meet some hot guy and i'm waiting for a call, a text, anything. It would be nice to meet someone and not be waiting for that beep beep

 

[meesch]

the idea that all attractive guys are emotionally distant a-holes and all nice guys are limp noodle eunuchs is a false dichotomy that keeps women single. kinda immature too.

 

[CurliDiva]

On the flip side, some guys are not honestly interested in having a "girl" as just a "friend".......they are just waiting to a chance to HIT IT!

So, try make sure his intentions are honorable.

A "friend" that tried to jump your bones at the first opportunity is not a friend.

 

[hopeful]

Welp, please keep us updated. I'm interested in seeing how things go with this guy, as well with theatre tickets guy. Methinks theatre ticket guy will step his game up if he senses competition.

 

[Bublin]

Welp, please keep us updated. I'm interested in seeing how things go with this guy, as well with theatre tickets guy. Methinks theatre ticket guy will step his game up if he senses competition.

Yes, i think so too.

I've been single for almost 2 years (my choice really). Men are like buses. None come for ages and then they come all at once.

 

[manter26]

IMO, it's only "settling/desperate" if you get into a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to. It's a date. We should date a wide variety of people. As I get older I realize how many potential partners I missed out on because I didn't find them hot.

I also don't think anyone's talking about a dichotomy based on looks. It's really a matter of relationships built on lust vs relationships built on substance.

I say go for it. It's just a date. You may find there's something more to like about him. If you don't, no harm done.

 

[hopeful]

Bublin Any updates?

 

[Bublin]

@hopeful i decided not to pursue this guy. I'm not even going to have lunch with him. I am in no way attracted to him and i don't want to put myself in an awkward position at work where he may officially ask me out, i turn him down and then things will be weird at work. I don't see him often but sometimes bump into him if i visit the building he works in.

I haven't even read his last email to me which i presume will be to arrange a lunchtime meal...i don't know what to say as to not make him feel awkward.

Whilst i know i need to step out my box alot more when it comes to looks etc i just can't go there....i'm in no way attracted to this guy and have always found him nice but dull....my eyes will probably glaze over after half and hour .

 

[hopeful]

I love that you use words like "whilst" in your posts, so cute. Thanks for the update. Sending good vibes your way.

 

[Bublin]

I love that you use words like "whilst" in your posts, so cute. Thanks for the update. Sending good vibes your way.

Ha ha - do you think it's a very British way of speaking/writing??

Thank you for the vibes hopeful.

 

[Charz]

I haven't even read his last email to me which i presume will be to arrange a lunchtime meal...i don't know what to say as to not make him feel awkward.

You should respond soon. No reason to be rude cos he's not hot

 

[Bublin]

Charz - oh i def will. I work from 2 computers at 2 different buildings. I am always in a rush when i go to THAT computer and only read or respond to work related stuff. I have to set time aside to go through the rest of the mail. He knows this about my role anyway.
I think he only reads his mail once a day anyway.

Nah, i'm not like that, i will def respond...even if he's not hot!

 

[hopeful]

Ha ha - do you think it's a very British way of speaking/writing??

Thank you for the vibes hopeful.

Yes, very British and lovely. And you're welcome for the vibes.

 

[LiftedUp]

I've done it already and I won't do it again. After the relationship ended I didn't feel fulfilled, I didn't feel as though I got anything out of it especially compared to what he got out of it.

Settling to me is like telling God and the universe that you do not think that you would meet your perfect match, that you're not worthy and that's not the message I would like to send.

 

[LoveLongLocks]

I did that as a teenager, and learned to NEVER EVER do that. This guy was not my type, and everytime I saw him, hugged him, kissed him...it nagged me. I was not attracted to him, however I was thinking that it was time for me to stop only falling for the pretty boys. But, you must have chemistry and attraction.