He's Attractive, But I'm Not Attracted

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
My "return-to-the-dating" saga continues. I'll admit that I haven't put an enormous amount of effort into getting back out there because I'm not pressed (the first time in my life at this point).

However, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I would like a special someone in my life... the RIGHT special someone. According to my well-meaning wed and bred counterparts, I'm setting myself up for being single forever.

I'll say this... dying single doesn't equate to dying sad for me. I've reached a point in my life where being a ME instead of a WE isn't a bad thing. If it happens, it happens BUT sometimes those coupled-up counterparts lead me to question whether I AM being a bit to picky.

So I've known this guy for... at least six years through mutual friends. We never really connected...were always just acquaintances. I ran into him about two years ago, and ended up giving him my number for business reasons. Of course, he tried to holla, but I kept the door firmly closed.

Well, he must have caught me at a weak moment, because I finally agreed to meet him for lunch (being single for two years can do that to a gal). Here's the thing. He's not... awful looking. He's successful, physically fit...seemingly good on paper...just not my type. He seems like a nice enough guy, but I'm sorry... there was just NOTHING there. The conversation seem strained. Lunch was... painful. Absolutely no connection at all.

When I shared this with "the breeders" I was immediately met with the onslaught of "That's why you're going to die alone". They seem to think that I'm looking for the perfect guy, that I'm too picky... blah blah blah. This was followed by anecdotes about how they weren't attracted to their husbands at first, but they gave him a chance...

It just made me think. Am I closed minded? Should I apologize for NOT being attracted to this guy? Should I go out with him again (I really am NOT feeling it)?

I dunno. In my mind, I shouldn't have to manufacture attraction. I'm not even sure why what they said is even bothering me...
 
No.

He may be attractive on paper, even attractive physically, but if you are not attracted to him, then don't go out again. He may be right for someone but not for you. So what if your 'friends' weren't attracted to their husbands right away? This is you that we are talking about. That painful interaction meant that there wasn't any attraction, nothing that you could work with to find attraction later on.

Move on.
 
I can relate to you so much. If the lack of physical attraction was the only thing, normally I'd say give it a chance. At least a second date. I wasn't lusting after my SO when we first started dating and now I can't keep my hands off him. :look: But conversation were never strained, as you describe. :nono: We had a connection from the very beginning. It sounds like you're just not feeling this guy at all, even if there was a physical attraction. A seemingly great man on paper means nothing. Seriously. I wasted so much time trying to force myself to be attracted to men who were great, just not for me. It's not worth it and it never works.

Next...

I'm sure your friends mean well but they need to lay off on this one. This is about you and your standards.
 
ArrrBeee said:
Don't settle. If it's strained now, how will it be 6 months down the line?

I experienced a similar situation this week and I agreed to a second date. It netted me dessert, a movie, and confirmation that if I don't feel like my soul is on fire, I'm out.
Click to expand...

OK... I'm glad I'm not tripping. I've been taking myself out to the movies and dessert for the past two years so he can keep his money.

I know the experts say that "spark" is over rated, but I'm going with my gut on this one.
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
I can relate to you so much. If the lack of physical attraction was the only thing, normally I'd say give it a chance. At least a second date. I wasn't lusting after my SO when we first started dating and now I can't keep my hands off him. :look: But conversation were never strained, as you describe. :nono: We had a connection from the very beginning. It sounds like you're just not feeling this guy at all, even if there was a physical attraction. A seemingly great man on paper means nothing. Seriously. I wasted so much time trying to force myself to be attracted to men who were great, just not for me. It's not worth it and it never works.

Next...

I'm sure your friends mean well but they need to lay off on this one. This is about you and your standards.[/QUOTE
\


Your story sounds similar to the guy I dated for five years. When I first met him, I was trying to holla at his friend! LOL!!!! He was "light skinned" and I didn't DO the hi yellas (then I ended up dating white men... another thread / another day), but he made me laugh and was SOOOOOOO sweet. I enjoyed conversation with him and looked forward to it.

Come to think of it, I actually connect more with men intellectually. It just didn't happen with this guy. It's odd... he seems to be intelligent and probably well spoken. It just wasn't happening with us.
Click to expand...
 
So, at the end of lunch, I thanked him and gave him the sideways, "holy ghost" hug, but of course he's hinting at wanting to go out again.

I've already said "I don't think so," and told him that I wasn't interested in seeing ANYONE during lunch (why do guys think that's an invitation for casual hook ups?), but it's already starting.

I'm sure persistence has paid off for many, but when it's unwelcome, it's just nerve racking.

...time for the "It's not you, it's me..." speech I guess
 

Your story sounds similar to the guy I dated for five years. When I first met him, I was trying to holla at his friend! LOL!!!! He was "light skinned" and I didn't DO the hi yellas (then I ended up dating white men... another thread / another day), but he made me laugh and was SOOOOOOO sweet. I enjoyed conversation with him and looked forward to it.

Come to think of it, I actually connect more with men intellectually. It just didn't happen with this guy. It's odd... he seems to be intelligent and probably well spoken. It just wasn't happening with us.
 
I think you did the right thing. It could be something else steering you away from him for the best. It could be a lack of connection or something else about him and his energy putting you off.....at least romantically.

This guy I just let go was attractive on paper and my kind of attractive, but the first time we went out..something felt off. I agreed to go again out of guilt that I was letting my low opinion of men :look: create some bias. On the second date, I got a glimpse of whatever it was brewing underneath all that beautiful black brilliance. It made me carefully back away.

He's angry and mean under all that charm and swagger. I'm convinced the first time I do something he doesnt like, I would get the full force of his rage. He was disgustingly rude to a waitress when she made a simple mistake of putting his plate in front of me and vice versa (which she quickly remedied) and the valet who was young and clueless. He didnt yell....it was dismissive.....just that cold quiet raging meanness that he looked to be trying and failing to contain if you know what I mean.

I'm certain that I must have picked up on it on the first date when he was telling a story about his family.

He was simmering with anger when I thanked him, but said it wasnt going to work. He sent me a nasty text message last night and this morning. It's all good though...better to end it now than when I get to see his full crazy.

I say all of that say, trust your gut.
 
mrselle said:
As others have said, this is your life, your happiness and your standards. Don't settle or put yourself in an uncomfortable situation because of what your friends think. Remember, misery loves company.
Click to expand...
I agree. I wish somebody would tell me to give a man I’m not attracted to a chance! Women that do that are pressed to be in a relationship. That’s called settling.
A man that makes you feel hot and bothered in the right way is what will get the party started! Lol
 
...so we had a phone conversation last night (a refreshing change from the dudes who insist on constant texting --to which they receive no response) and it was more of the same thing. I felt like I had to PULL conversation out of him. There was no natural "flow". It felt more like an interview than a conversation.

I would ask a question, he would answer. PAUSE. He would ask a question, I would answer. PAUSE. I noticed that he doesn't laugh much at all which is a HUGE minus for me. While I don't want to interact with someone that is pointlessly silly, a sense of humor is a MUST. He doesn't strike me as someone who I could just laugh to tears with or just completely be myself...nope.

I was considering a second date just to see if my perception would change, but after our phone conversation, I think another face-to-face interaction would be just as painful. Besides, I think I really just wanted an excuse to get cute and spend time in the company of a male on "my level". They are far and few between.

Oh well.... maybe next year (knocking on three years of unintentional celibacy...the struggle is real).
 
awhyley said:
I'm with you on this one. Give a second date, just to confirm that there's nothing there. Maybe he was nervous or just off on that night. After that, it's a wrap.
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I agree. If you were completely disgusted, turned off and repulsed, then no. But if he was just ok just not feeling that burn in your loins :look:, I would give another date and see what happens. I've had better luck with guys I don't want to molest on the first date. My last relationship I was like he's cool but I didn't feel that burn until about a month later. Then I ended up falling in love. :rolleyes:
 
TinyBlu said:
...so we had a phone conversation last night (a refreshing change from the dudes who insist on constant texting --to which they receive no response) and it was more of the same thing. I felt like I had to PULL conversation out of him. There was no natural "flow". It felt more like an interview than a conversation.

I would ask a question, he would answer. PAUSE. He would ask a question, I would answer. PAUSE. I noticed that he doesn't laugh much at all which is a HUGE minus for me. While I don't want to interact with someone that is pointlessly silly, a sense of humor is a MUST. He doesn't strike me as someone who I could just laugh to tears with or just completely be myself...nope.

I was considering a second date just to see if my perception would change, but after our phone conversation, I think another face-to-face interaction would be just as painful. Besides, I think I really just wanted an excuse to get cute and spend time in the company of a male on "my level". They are far and few between.

Oh well.... maybe next year (knocking on three years of unintentional celibacy...the struggle is real).
Click to expand...

Neva mind. I had typed my response before I saw you had the phone conversation. That sounds painful. Next!
 
Evolving78 said:
I agree. I wish somebody would tell me to give a man I’m not attracted to a chance! Women that do that are pressed to be in a relationship. That’s called settling.
A man that makes you feel hot and bothered in the right way is what will get the party started! Lol
Click to expand...

When I was in college one of my friends set me up with a guy she thought would be perfect for me. She thought I would find him attractive, but I didn't. He was a nice enough guy, but there was no chemistry and the conversation didn't flow. He was shy and quiet and I was shy and quiet, so there was that. After the movie he walked me to my car and as we were walking he held my hand. It felt like holding hands with my younger brother. Obviously, we never went out on a second date. A few months later she finally blew up at me and told me she was upset I didn't give the guy a chance and that I could have been missing my blessing. She meant well, but I was aggravated that she seemed to think that she knew what was best for me. In the end I didn't miss my blessing because he wasn't the one. The blessing in that for me was that I learned to trust my instincts and that no one on this earth knows what I like, want and need in a partner better than me.
 
I agree with those stating if you were passing on him based on looks alone, give it another chance. But if he is not appealing physically nor intellectually, then you don't have much to go on really. If the convo wasn't as strained, I tell you to get a few more dates out of him just for target practice.

I gave my now SO a chance even though he is sooooo not what I have experience dating or what I thought I would be attracted to (primarily b/c he is good deal older than me), but him being incredibly intelligent, chivalrous/generous and a great conversationalist is what won me over.
 
Surprisingly, I'm still on the fence about this, and I'm not sure why. These people are getting into my head (correction: I'm ALLOWING them to get into my head).

The consensus is that I should at least give him a second date...that he may be nervous (on the phone??) or an introvert (I'm an introvert, but I can carry on a conversation), and if all else fails, I'll get a free meal or drinks out of it...

.I'm just concerned that both our attempts at conversation have been futile, and communication is really important to me.

I've had past situations where, as others have stated, I wasn't really attracted to the person at first but connected well with them and developed attraction later.

My last interaction with the broke guy that I "friend zoned" was completely different. We had GREAT conversation and witty banter. We would laugh so much when we were out, but we had NOTHING in common and he has no upward potential. AT. ALL.

This guy has all of the "checks" on the list of desirables, and is saying all of the right things. He's expressed interest in going out again to which I replied "We'll see..."

UGH... I wish I was feeling him . . .

I know I shouldn't force this (which I feel like I would be doing if I went out with him again)...

Maybe one more phone conversation (I didn't answer his call last night...) ?????????????????????
 
TinyBlu said:
UGH... I wish I was feeling him . . .

I know I shouldn't force this (which I feel like I would be doing if I went out with him again)...
Maybe one more phone conversation (I didn't answer his call last night...) ?????????????????????
Click to expand...

Nah, it's a wrap. You're not into him. If you have to force yourself, it's not meant to be. Move on to the next.
 
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intellectualuva said:
I think you did the right thing. It could be something else steering you away from him for the best. It could be a lack of connection or something else about him and his energy putting you off.....at least romantically.

This guy I just let go was attractive on paper and my kind of attractive, but the first time we went out..something felt off. I agreed to go again out of guilt that I was letting my low opinion of men :look: create some bias. On the second date, I got a glimpse of whatever it was brewing underneath all that beautiful black brilliance. It made me carefully back away.

He's angry and mean under all that charm and swagger. I'm convinced the first time I do something he doesnt like, I would get the full force of his rage. He was disgustingly rude to a waitress when she made a simple mistake of putting his plate in front of me and vice versa (which she quickly remedied) and the valet who was young and clueless. He didnt yell....it was dismissive.....just that cold quiet raging meanness that he looked to be trying and failing to contain if you know what I mean.

I'm certain that I must have picked up on it on the first date when he was telling a story about his family.

He was simmering with anger when I thanked him, but said it wasnt going to work. He sent me a nasty text message last night and this morning. It's all good though...better to end it now than when I get to see his full crazy.

I say all of that say, trust your gut.
Click to expand...

Yeah rude and nasty to the staff is a definite no no. Glad you cut it off early. What type of nasty next messages did he send you? Like of the “you’re ugly anyway” variety?
 
intellectualuva said:
I think you did the right thing. It could be something else steering you away from him for the best. It could be a lack of connection or something else about him and his energy putting you off.....at least romantically.

This guy I just let go was attractive on paper and my kind of attractive, but the first time we went out..something felt off. I agreed to go again out of guilt that I was letting my low opinion of men :look: create some bias. On the second date, I got a glimpse of whatever it was brewing underneath all that beautiful black brilliance. It made me carefully back away.

He's angry and mean under all that charm and swagger. I'm convinced the first time I do something he doesnt like, I would get the full force of his rage. He was disgustingly rude to a waitress when she made a simple mistake of putting his plate in front of me and vice versa (which she quickly remedied) and the valet who was young and clueless. He didnt yell....it was dismissive.....just that cold quiet raging meanness that he looked to be trying and failing to contain if you know what I mean.

I'm certain that I must have picked up on it on the first date when he was telling a story about his family.

He was simmering with anger when I thanked him, but said it wasnt going to work. He sent me a nasty text message last night and this morning. It's all good though...better to end it now than when I get to see his full crazy.

I say all of that say, trust your gut.
Click to expand...



Been there. Done that. In fact, the "relationship" that prefaced my two-year dating hiatus sounds sickeningly similar to your situation, but I didn't listen to my gut.

I felt drawn to this crazy man and had never felt an attraction that strongly before. Our conversation was "perfect". We seemed to "get" each other, and at first he seemed soooooo sweet. EVERYONE liked him. He was handsome, charming, talented... like a nightmare come true.

I ignored the nagging voice that told me he was a little "too" nice, and it wasn't hard for him to convince me that his slightly 0ver-the-top constant attention (translation: calling / texting ALL DAY LONG) and sprint to giving me a key to his place and place for a toothbrush (not kidding... we're talking within two weeks) and insisting that I come to his place EVERY night I worked my second job was just how "grown a** men treat women).

I silently cringed as he would irrationally go off on the person in drive through or become a little too passionate during our "spirited debates" -- to the point of cutting me off and saying "I'm talking now, you're done..."

...Needless to say, it took less than three months for this monster to strip me of what little bit of self worth I thought I had and leave me in emotional shambles.

After that, I took the time to "do the work" on myself (therapy / CODA) and have recovered.

That long story was just my way of saying GOOD FOR YOU for exiting early. As the saying goes... if someone shows your their true colors (hence, the nasty texts -- can we say narcissistic?), don't try to repaint them.
 
PhonyBaloney500 said:
Yeah rude and nasty to the staff is a definite no no. Glad you cut it off early. What type of nasty next messages did he send you? Like of the “you’re ugly anyway” variety?
Click to expand...

He waited a few days to start the shenanigans.

His first text after I said it wasn't going to work was: 'Can you tell me why." Then he called twice and I texted back that I can't talk, because I need to go to bed and get up early. Maybe we can have this conversation tomorrow.

He calls 3 more times between 11 and 130 am, then texted: " You have things I don't like, but I was willing to give you a chance. BW are absolutely impossible to please, don't know why I bother."

Final Text at 830 the next morning: 'When asked in the future about why you're single....you should say because I'm a clueless black B who doesn't know a good man when I see it. I'll be sure to invite you to my wedding which will definitely be before you're asked" :rolleyes:
 
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