HELP! I need reassurance that I did the right thing...

[NYLegalNewbie]

I just broke up with my boyfriend. The reason? He has a "problem" which I thought he had under control. Unfortunately, due to a slip up about two weeks ago, he made it clear that he still has some work to do. (I do not wish to disclose what the problem is).

I made it clear at the beginning of the relationship that if this problem were to resurface, then I would have to end the relationship. No "ifs" "ands" or "buts". So, once I found out about it, I told him that I could no longer be his girlfriend. At first, he seemed to accept this fate, knowing from the beginning what would happen. But then, a few days ago, he called to tell me how much he misses me and that he wanted to talk about whether or not we could work through this. I met with him today, and told him, face to face, that it has to end here, today. I could have faith in him while he had a good track record, but now that it was blemished...I just know it would hang over the relationship like some awful storm cloud.

This is so incredibly difficult for me. We have an incredible connection. Being around him is so easy, and that's so hard to find. But this is a serious issue and I set a CLEAR boundary at the beginning of the relationship. And he knew what would happen if he slipped up. So, yes, he's the one who effectively caused this relationship to end.

...and yet, I can't help but feel like I'm somehow at fault because I ended it officially. I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake by letting him go. What compounds the issue is that fact that he was able to get himself back in line very quickly, giving some credence to the fact that he can change. Yet, in my mind, I know it's the right decision.

Can I please get a little bit of assurance for my heart?

Thank you for your support...

 

[princessnad]

You did the right thing.




No need to stick it out and find out later that his "problem" is still a problem after wasting years. You made your boundaries and kudos to sticking to them!

 

[hopeful]

It's really hard to help you without knowing what the "problem" is because perhaps we would be like oh girl it's not that serious or omg that is a dealbreaker. But I understand you needing your privacy. Have you prayed over this, do you feel God would be proud of your decision? Would your mother be proud of it? Would going back put you in jeapordy physically or emotionally. Do you love him so much that you don't want to live without him, problem or not? I see it like this, we all have our dealbreakers. So if it's your dealbreaker then it is what it is. Stick to your guns and move forward. It will be hard and your heart will hurt, there's no getting around that, but in time you will be okay. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Just remember, this too shall pass.

 

[bimbabe]

Don't beat yourself up.
He knew what was going to happen...and you stuck to your guns.

He would have to build your trust again for you to even reconsider going back there.

 

[Farida]

You did the right thing.

If this issue is as serious as you describe it, there is no use waiting on a man to change. Especially if he is only changing for you. It needs to come from within himself.

If he wants to prove himself to you, let him work on fixing himself up, get counseling, be held accountable by someone respectable and then come and ask you for another chance. Even then you don't owe him one, and he shouldn't be mad if his change is sincere because it will make him a better man. Otherwise, nothing's changed. He'll just learn how to hide it from you and lure you into a false sense of security.

 

[Caramela]

Normally a VISABLE "problem" is only the TIP of the iceberg. So what's VISIBLE bothers you, the UNSEEN will scare the pants off you. It's better to leave now, then later on when everything is exposed.

 

[Taliah]

Well noone is perfect and it seems they had a great relationship except for her issue with his problem.
This is the thing with ultimatums and dealbreakers, once you make them known you are pretty much ucked.
You're giving away your power imo, and you bring more attention to the very thing you want to go away.
If I had a problem and my man told me if this happens again I will leave you, that is not going to make me stop.
I just know that announcing a dealbreaker is like setting yourself up for a let down. I mean just don't be with the person if they have a problem that is unacceptable to you, otherwise be with them and enjoy the good they bring to your life, support them and hope that the problem will go away. You never know, he may see the light one day on his own, he already knows how she feels about it.
You just can't make someone stop or change because it's a dealbreaker for you.

 

[TG2000]

You are a strong women for standing your ground. He knew what the outcome would be since the beginning of the relationship. You sound like you were very direct and forthcoming about your feelings regarding this matter.

 

[TrulyBlessed]

You did the right thing.

If this issue is as serious as you describe it, there is no use waiting on a man to change. Especially if he is only changing for you. It needs to come from within himself.

If he wants to prove himself to you, let him work on fixing himself up, get counseling, be held accountable by someone respectable and then come and ask you for another chance. Even then you don't owe him one, and he shouldn't be mad if his change is sincere because it will make him a better man. Otherwise, nothing's changed. He'll just learn how to hide it from you and lure you into a false sense of security.

I'll pm you OP.

 

[SouthernTease]

If it was a deal breaker for you then you shouldn't have regrets...
it was that serious for you to break up with him so let it be...
idk what the "problem" is... but if it's worth you giving up a relationship
you're otherwise happy with to go back into the sea of uncertainty that is
being single again... then you need to move on... it's called a breakup because
it's broken if you get back with him... don't expect him to change...
you have accept his "problem" or leave him alone.

I know it's easier said then done but that's it.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

You did the right thing.




No need to stick it out and find out later that his "problem" is still a problem after wasting years. You made your boundaries and kudos to sticking to them!

i agree

you are a strong woman to you