He'll Do Anything for Me...............Conditionally

[missty1029]

Ok so there is this guy I have been dating for about 2 years and a stumbling point that we have or I should say that I have is that he is the kind of guy that will be there for me and do stuff for me but with conditions. And by conditions I mean:
I have to ask him. He never does anything random.
And he also feels like what he does do to show me he cares should be a clear indication of how he feels.

When he ask me to explain what it is I feel like I am missing it always seems like I am asking for him to do more material things for me. Which is a part of it too. He never bought me anything except a CD and my favorite ice cream and flowers on my birthday. And its been two years. We like to go out so he will take me to shows and really good restaurants.

He is the kind of guy that always ask what I want to do and where I want to go. I have to give him the okay to make plans and tell him what he has planned is ok to do.

He is very supportive and more times then not when I need a shoulder to lean on he is there. I know we all have different ways of expressing ourselves but I am unhappy because there is no romance, there is no randomness, there are no little things here and there. I dont feel like I can be vunerable and he will see that and step up. I feel like I have to tell him how to treat me and everything I need for him to do for me.

Am I looking for too much? I broke it off with him but hes still trying to understand what the problem was. And I guess a part of me is wondering am I asking for too much?
Thanks guys

 

[Radianthealth]

DH used to be this way...I think it was because he didn't know any better. He wasn't trying to be inconsiderate I think he was just trying to be practical and not do things or purchase items that I wouldn't appreciate.

Now that he knows what I like and that random acts are appreciated he does it a lot more often. I know it can be frustrating but I don't think this is that big of a deal especially if he is a really good man

I would talk with him and let him know that you like surprises, gifts, etc. I would do it in a nice way or maybe try to do something for him so that he can reciprocate.

When DH does something nice I am very vocal about how much I appreciate it, this has definitely served as an incentive he is always going out of his way to do stuff for me now.

 

[missty1029]

Thanks Radiant. I believe it is because he doesn't know better. I have talked to him about it and he always says "what you just want me to buy you things?" And I try to explain its more than that.

Its hard because I am really big on the small things. I have a homeboy who I am helping him with stuff because he really likes this girl and wants to do whatever he can to make her happy. I feel like if he cares about me then he would want to do what he can to make me happy by understanding what that is. I try to tell him and he gets defensive. He takes it like I am saying I dont appreciate what he does. And I always make it a point to show appreciation for everything.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Ok so there is this guy I have been dating for about 2 years and a stumbling point that we have or I should say that I have is that he is the kind of guy that will be there for me and do stuff for me but with conditions. And by conditions I mean:
I have to ask him. He never does anything random.
And he also feels like what he does do to show me he cares should be a clear indication of how he feels.

When he ask me to explain what it is I feel like I am missing it always seems like I am asking for him to do more material things for me. Which is a part of it too. He never bought me anything except a CD and my favorite ice cream and flowers on my birthday. And its been two years. We like to go out so he will take me to shows and really good restaurants.

He is the kind of guy that always ask what I want to do and where I want to go. I have to give him the okay to make plans and tell him what he has planned is ok to do.

He is very supportive and more times then not when I need a shoulder to lean on he is there. I know we all have different ways of expressing ourselves but I am unhappy because there is no romance, there is no randomness, there are no little things here and there. I dont feel like I can be vunerable and he will see that and step up. I feel like I have to tell him how to treat me and everything I need for him to do for me.

Am I looking for too much? I broke it off with him but hes still trying to understand what the problem was. And I guess a part of me is wondering am I asking for too much?
Thanks guys

At the bolded: you do.
I can see where you're coming from because I'm not really big on asking for what I want each time. But I do still try and put it out there.
I know you mentioned that there is no randomness/spontaneity, but would you say that there's consistency? Has there been a time where you all had a good rhythm between you two? If so, try and get to that place and then expand.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

Am I looking for too much? I broke it off with him but hes still trying to understand what the problem was. And I guess a part of me is wondering am I asking for too much?
Thanks guys

i don't think you're looking for too much.... sounds like you want him to take the initiative and then be confident in what he's doing without you havng to micromanage the process.... and if that's what you truly want and he can't provide it, you'll continue to be unfulfilled....

i'm sorry but in my book, if i have to sign off on every little thing, then there's no relationship, i'm just dating myself...

 

[Radianthealth]

Sometimes I think that women and men are given false expectations from watching too many movies etc.

I hope he comes around and hopefully you can find a way to explain to him what you like without offending him. Maybe you could do some of those things for yourself and see how he reacts...I dunno

 

[Rastafarai]

If this is behavior that you have expressed concern over on more than one occasion and there has been no change or attempt to consistently show he wants to change to please you, then your decision was a right one.

You are not asking for too much because it is what YOU want in YOUR relationship with YOUR man.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

it explains how people like to show and receive love

- words of affirmation
- gifts
- acts of service
- touch
- quality time

Understanding these things will help the both of you...even if you don't make up.

 

[Vanity1]

DH used to be this way...I think it was because he didn't know any better. He wasn't trying to be inconsiderate I think he was just trying to be practical and not do things or purchase items that I wouldn't appreciate.

Now that he knows what I like and that random acts are appreciated he does it a lot more often. I know it can be frustrating but I don't think this is that big of a deal especially if he is a really good man

I would talk with him and let him know that you like surprises, gifts, etc. I would do it in a nice way or maybe try to do something for him so that he can reciprocate.

When DH does something nice I am very vocal about how much I appreciate it, this has definitely served as an incentive he is always going out of his way to do stuff for me now.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

it explains how people like to show and receive love

- words of affirmation
- gifts
- acts of service
- touch
- quality time

Understanding these things will help the both of you...even if you don't make up.

These are both great recommendations. And RH made great points, I deal with this with DH, too, but I made a choice to, because he does so much more that makes me happy. He isn't the most spontaneous person, but we work on that.

I never want for anything, and I know that if I need something, it isn't a problem, and that knowledge and feeling of security is more important to me than anything. I think him wanting to know why you left him alone is very very valuable. By that same token I understand that people do have deal breakers, but I caution women that no man is going to be 100% of anything, they need our help in certain areas when it comes to us as women. It can be frustrating yes, but as long as you feel like you are not being his mother, which is totally different from this, him being spontaneous can be strategically worked on.

 

[missty1029]

The five love languages! I have brought that up to him and a friend who wrote a blog on it. He read the blog but he doesn't do books.

Scorpoio Cutie said how I feel the best thanks girl!

I talked to him yesterday and said" you are sending the message but you have to understand how I recieve that message." I equate it to the telephone game. By the time it gets to me it changes. So he has to understand how I receive it for me to understand. And of course I do too.

I guess I am upset because I try to talk to him and he gets very defensive. If I felt like he was listening and trying to understand it wouldnt be a deal breaker. Its the defensiveness and unwillingness to work with me. urgh.

Thanks ladies I know what the real problem is. No matter what the topic is , he is very defensive if I tell him something thats not positive about himself. I can say it nice and sweet and it never fails. Hes the type that gets mad at me for being mad at him for something he did. I cant go back to that. And when I pull away out comes the but I will do anything for you. Just tell me. Sometimes it helps to talk it out and hear it from other people.

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

If I'm understanding you correctly, OP, then my DH is the same way. He doesn't do random things or suprise me (not much). He will ask me what I want and then do it but rarely do I get romantic surprises. I keep telling him too but it hasn't really worked much. We started doing date nite about 2 years ago and in the beginning, I was the one coordinating all the activities- where we would go, etc. Then I got tired of it and told him that I felt like he was just going along with it and didn't really care. So now we alternate: one month he has to come up with an idea of what we'll do/where we'll go and the next month it's my turn. I must say that has helped.

My DH is a rather simple guy. He's not the super romantic guy and he doesn't show his affection in over the top gestures. I know I can't expect to come home one day and find rose petals on the floor and candles lit everywhere... and I guess that's ok. I know that he does care about me being happy and our children. He supports me in whatever it is I do/want to do.

I think you should give it another shot with this guy. Men are not like us (a lot of times they can be pretty clueless) and if he's doing everything else right maybe in time you can get him to understand how important the little things are to you. But remember, they are just little things.

 

[Vanity1]

The five love languages! I have brought that up to him and a friend who wrote a blog on it. He read the blog but he doesn't do books.

Scorpoio Cutie said how I feel the best thanks girl!

I talked to him yesterday and said" you are sending the message but you have to understand how I recieve that message." I equate it to the telephone game. By the time it gets to me it changes. So he has to understand how I receive it for me to understand. And of course I do too.

I guess I am upset because I try to talk to him and he gets very defensive. If I felt like he was listening and trying to understand it wouldnt be a deal breaker. Its the defensiveness and unwillingness to work with me. urgh.

Thanks ladies I know what the real problem is. No matter what the topic is , he is very defensive if I tell him something thats not positive about himself. I can say it nice and sweet and it never fails. Hes the type that gets mad at me for being mad at him for something he did. I cant go back to that. And when I pull away out comes the but I will do anything for you. Just tell me. Sometimes it helps to talk it out and hear it from other people.

I find this funny because DH used to be the same way. But not only have I gotten better, cause yes, sometimes it was, and still can be my execution, he has gotten better as well. Sounds like his ego is just being bruised, but I could be wrong. I have learned to just put what I want out there and if he gets defensive, oh well. I still end up getting my way anyway, I have just learned to ignore him and his fits.

But if you can't deal with it, you just can't.

Either way, I am sure you will make the best decision for yourself and what you can tolerate.

 

[Butterfly08]

I have brought that up to him and a friend who wrote a blog on it. He read very defensive. If I felt like he was listening and trying to understand it wouldnt be a deal breaker. Its the defensiveness and unwillingness to work with me. urgh.

Thanks ladies I know what the real problem is. No matter what the topic is , he is very defensive if I tell him something thats not positive about himself. I can say it nice and sweet and it never fails. Hes the type that gets mad at me for being mad at him for something he did. I cant go back to that. And when I pull away out comes the but I will do anything for you. Just tell me. Sometimes it helps to talk it out and hear it from other people.

Sorry, that defensiveness and failure to take responsibility is a dealbreaker for me. And then to turn around and get mad at you? Is this a dealbreaker for you?

I understand we all get our little feelings hurt when our boo tells us some not so nice stuff about ourselves , but the mark of a true man or woman is to listen, reflect, and determine whether there is any truth in the feedback. And if there's truth, make the necessary adjustments. Is he truly *always* defensive and either refusing to change or saying he will, but doesn't? Or is that his knee jerk reaction, and then later he makes some type of change?

 

[missty1029]

Nope he nevers admits where he is wrong. He always turns it back on me. Failure to take responsibility is a big deal breaker for me. And no he has never came back later after the dust settles. He basically says its my fault for whatever the problem is.

 

[Butterfly08]

Nope he nevers admits where he is wrong. He always turns it back on me. Failure to take responsibility is a big deal breaker for me. And no he has never came back later after the dust settles. He basically says its my fault for whatever the problem is.

Ok, that's what I thought, but I wanted to be sure.

Run for the hills lady (and do this if he tries to follow you:buttkick! It only gets worse. Problems never get resolved, you end up feeling resentful. Sometimes it starts in small situations where there's something you want but he refuses to acknowledge it. It'll only get worse. Speaking from experience.

 

[scorpio70]

I have talked to him about it and he always says "what you just want me to buy you things?" And I try to explain its more than that.

... I try to tell him and he gets defensive. He takes it like I am saying I dont appreciate what he does. And I always make it a point to show appreciation for everything.

When I was much younger, I dated a man that really loved me and he would have these conversations with me, he wanted to 'feel loved' whereas I was just doing the minimum. At the time, I didn't realize that I wasn't pulling out all of the stops...that is until I got with someone that I REALLY REALLY wanted to be with. All of a sudden all of those things that NEVER occured to me to do with guy A were all of a sudden default things for guy B.

When someone is really into a person, they don't have to be told to do the little things. If it seems like he is just coasting through this and doing the bare minimum, it is because he is...and NO he doesn't realize it. So, don't try to 'make him see it'. Just move on until you find someone who's default is at least your minimum.

Good Luck!