He raised his hand like he was gunna slap me...

[Whimsy]

...but then he turned and walked away. (apparrently he walked out of the apartment to 'cool off')

What advice would you give your friend who called you in tears to tell you about an argument with her SO that ended this way?


Background:

• NO! this is not about me! (thank god)
• They've been dating almost a year.
• They're in love and she said he had asked her to move in with him but she said no cuz she's locked into her lease for a while.
• SHE is 27, HE is 37
• both black, working, stable and "normal"
• SHE has been in (what i consider) an abusive (mentally/emotionally - not physically) relationship in the past.
• I don't know much about his history.

I told her, this worries me and I think that he may have stopped himself this time, but you never know what the next argument may bring. Get the hell outta that sitch.

She told me her mother said he obviously knows how to control himself or he would've hit her so they should work on communicating better with each other and work through this after he cools down.
WTF?!

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK.

 

[Briabiggles]

If it were me....he better walk out and not come back!

 

[dlewis]

Since she has a history of dating guy like this I would say he's an abuser. Just watching himself now until he gets her where he wants her. He's already shown what he's thinking about.

Next time he might push her or shake her but not hit her. The next time he may just get up in her face and scare her half to death. But he will hit her.

 

[NaturalRed]

I'm torn on this one. He didn't hit her. I see where mom is coming from, but I also see where the OP is coming from. I don't know. This is where I would have to take a look at his "signs". Like, has he been verbally or emotionally abusive in the relationship? Does he get angry easily? Does he appear to be out of control sometimes? Does he seem emotionally unstable at times? She just needs to keep her eyes open and not move in with him any time soon even when her lease expires. He's probably already shown signs of the other stuff, and she may have just ignored it. She has some thinking to do.

 

[NYAmicas]

I'm willing to bet he's been in an abusive relationship before where striking was involved.
Depending on how much she's in love with him and wants to stay with him that needs to be addressed and talked about. For me, you even think to raise your hand at me you're gone because if lets me know you consider violence to solve problems.

 

[mscocoface]

To get to the thought or idea you want to hit me, then to carry that out with the hand going up and out to slap me..........

What does his family say about him, how does he treat his children, does she know anything about his exes and how their relationship was?

All of this because she would NOT break her iron clad, I could take you to court lease? This would give me serious cause to pause.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

..........................................

 

[cinnespice]

I told my ex...you ever think of putting a hand me walk away cause we will fight like 2 grown men. There is no way in hades your gonna put your hands on me or even try and me not:
1. Either I box your behind into the ground.
2. you catch at least one swift kick up ur behind before you realize this chick not the one and run down my steps screaming like a little girl that you is, as you realize i might have broke something.
Its one of 2 outcomes....try me
I would say he had control this time but what about the next when he is angrier than this time around?
I don't know about that one because i would have told take all your ish and leave and don't come back. Dont call me cause you will hear dt. I don't have time to sleep with one eye open and what if next time.
But to each they own. I know its your friend i would be worried too. I seen people go through much worse you can only talk and give your opinion, pray, but that has to be up to that person to walk away if they feel like they are in danger. You can lead horse to water but you can't make it drink. I pray that your friend is okay and if she decides to stay he doesn't "try" something again.

 

[Whimsy]

To get to the thought or idea you want to hit me, then to carry that out with the hand going up and out to slap me..........

What does his family say about him, how does he treat his children, does she know anything about his exes and how their relationship was?

All of this because she would NOT break her iron clad, I could take you to court lease? This would give me serious cause to pause.

Oh no, this fight wasn't about the lease, I just included that in the background so you could see how "serious" the relationship is.

I dont' know what the family says about him or about his ex situation. OH wait, no she told me before that he told her his ex cheated so he left her. He's got no kids or anything with the exes.

I'm torn on this one. He didn't hit her. I see where mom is coming from, but I also see where the OP is coming from. I don't know. This is where I would have to take a look at his "signs". Like, has he been verbally or emotionally abusive in the relationship? Does he get angry easily? Does he appear to be out of control sometimes? Does he seem emotionally unstable at times? She just needs to keep her eyes open and not move in with him any time soon even when her lease expires. He's probably already shown signs of the other stuff, and she may have just ignored it. She has some thinking to do.

It SEEMS they have been arguing a lot lately, but that may only be cuz she calls me mostly after they fight instead of during "good" times.

I don't want her to look at the signs, unless it's an EXIT SIGN

 

[DDTexlaxed]

He sounds dangerous. He may have stopped himself this time, but what about next time? If you're in love, you don't hurt or think about hurting your mate. Tell her it's a sign. He's probably the older controlling type.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

Oh no, this fight wasn't about the lease, I just included that in the background so you could see how "serious" the relationship is.

I dont' know what the family says about him or about his ex situation. OH wait, no she told me before that he told her his ex cheated so he left her. He's got no kids or anything with the exes.



It SEEMS they have been arguing a lot lately, but that may only be cuz she calls me mostly after they fight instead of during "good" times.

I don't want her to look at the signs, unless it's an EXIT SIGN

Woooo, that's a good one!

 

[ThickHair]

DV always escalated. A person does not get killed in the first arguement. 1st yelling, 2nd, pushing, 3rd a little slap, 4th a soft punch, 5th a big blow............... ultimately someone ends up dead.

 

[kmn1980]

Well, better she know now when before marriage and babies. The deeper in she gets, the harder it's going to be on her.

 

[yardyspice]

When you talk to women in abusive relationships they will say that they never saw any signs until you really dig and then you'll hear about the isolating from family, raised his hand only one time, etc. I see the reaction to these signs as the difference between women who LET themselves stay in abusive relationships and the ones with the good sense to bounce.

 

[southerncitygirl]

she needs to run for the hills, cause next time he will hit her! this is not good at all!

 

[Foxglove]

Um, at 37 he should know better. Next!

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

...........................

 

[DaDragonPrincess]

Tell her to run and don't look back​

 

[luckiestdestiny]

There is zero debate here in my opinion. The fact that he even thought about hitting her, even though he supposedly has "self control", is enough for me. What? Everytime he gets mad he's gonna raise his hand like that and then stop, and I'm supposed to think that's a great relationship? Even the idea of that is to "show" that he is angered to that point, to scare her basically, regardless of if he hits her or not (in reality) he is demonstrating that intent (and that's the best case scenario...that he stopped himself. Let's not even get into worse case scenario...if he can't control himself the next time...). That's enough for me to walk.

 

[JewelleNY]

I hope she doesn't waste her time doing background checks and other research, either she stays or goes but she better believe it will get worse.

 

[LiqueXX]

I agree with those who say leave. I have been in an abusive relationship and now I have a zero policy.

I agree with checking criminal records. I didn't used to and when I started to it was after a relationship, and low and behold there was an old charge for menacing.

Another thing, this Guy is married without children at 37. Why?? I would want to know (disclaimer: I am married without children but this was my choice because I have been asked several times and said no, also I don't want to raise children alone).

 

[Goombay_Summer]

Unless your friend has done some deep soul searching or has had counseling to uncover the true reasons why she is attracted to abusive men then she is unwittingly following the same pattern. This time her abuser is slowly grooming her to accept his bad behavior ultimately their arguments will escalate to the point where he will resort to physical violence. It's not a matter of IF he'll eventually abuse her but when.

 

[MaintaintheSexy]

...but then he turned and walked away. (apparrently he walked out of the apartment to 'cool off')

What advice would you give your friend who called you in tears to tell you about an argument with her SO that ended this way?


Background:

• NO! this is not about me! (thank god)
• They've been dating almost a year.
• They're in love and she said he had asked her to move in with him but she said no cuz she's locked into her lease for a while.
• SHE is 27, HE is 37
• both black, working, stable and "normal"
• SHE has been in (what i consider) an abusive (mentally/emotionally - not physically) relationship in the past.
• I don't know much about his history.

I told her, this worries me and I think that he may have stopped himself this time, but you never know what the next argument may bring. Get the hell outta that sitch.

She told me her mother said he obviously knows how to control himself or he would've hit her so they should work on communicating better with each other and work through this after he cools down.
WTF?!

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK.

She needs to move on immediately. That situation will never get better and she is wasting her time. I've been there and believe me when I tell you, you waste valuable time with people like that because you end up waiting for them to change and the reality is, they never do change. You have to change. You have to make a decision that you deserve better. It's a matter of self confidence and self esteem. I wish your friend luck

 

[s_terry]

...but then he turned and walked away. (apparrently he walked out of the apartment to 'cool off')

What advice would you give your friend who called you in tears to tell you about an argument with her SO that ended this way?


Background:

• NO! this is not about me! (thank god)
• They've been dating almost a year.
• They're in love and she said he had asked her to move in with him but she said no cuz she's locked into her lease for a while.
• SHE is 27, HE is 37
• both black, working, stable and "normal"
• SHE has been in (what i consider) an abusive (mentally/emotionally - not physically) relationship in the past.
• I don't know much about his history.

I told her, this worries me and I think that he may have stopped himself this time, but you never know what the next argument may bring. Get the hell outta that sitch.

She told me her mother said he obviously knows how to control himself or he would've hit her so they should work on communicating better with each other and work through this after he cools down.
WTF?!

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK.

Whatever you do, don't press your opinion! I shared my thoughts to my girlfriend about her fiance moving her to the hood. Shared some opinions given her here, and haven't spoken to her sense.

I worry about her

 

[Whimsy]

^
If i'm asked for my opinion (which i was) I'm gunna say it, and say it loud.

I feel like I'm the only voice of "reason" in her world, I gotta compete with the voices of her idiot mother and derelict friends from H.S.

I worry about my friend too.

I hope all is well with your friend (hug)

 

[awhyley]

When he walked away, I would have been writing him a "Dear John" letter. See ya!

*goes to read thread*

ETA: Looks like I'm not alone. She probably thinks that she should be grateful that he 'kept himself together', actually, that's probably what he wants her to think. She shouldn't even bother researching this fool. It's time to bounce. OP, since she's been in an abusive relationship before, do you think she's in denial?

 

[JustKiya]

DV always escalated. A person does not get killed in the first arguement. 1st yelling, 2nd, pushing, 3rd a little slap, 4th a soft punch, 5th a big blow............... ultimately someone ends up dead.

When you talk to women in abusive relationships they will say that they never saw any signs until you really dig and then you'll hear about the isolating from family, raised his hand only one time, etc. I see the reaction to these signs as the difference between women who LET themselves stay in abusive relationships and the ones with the good sense to bounce.

Unless your friend has done some deep soul searching or has had counseling to uncover the true reasons why she is attracted to abusive men then she is unwittingly following the same pattern. This time her abuser is slowly grooming her to accept his bad behavior ultimately their arguments will escalate to the point where he will resort to physical violence. It's not a matter of IF he'll eventually abuse her but when.

This is classic escalation behaviour. He is judging how much she will take from him - and each time she accepts a little more, he'll push the boundaries a little more.
Abuse NEVER starts with a woman getting punched in the face - it starts slow. And as the abuser realizes that she's accepting his behaviour - she's also demonstrating to him that she WILL be willing to accept his abuse.

She needs to walk, and walk now, before she calls you crying about the hole in the wall (he's likely to move to hitting something other than her next), and then he'll grab her hard enough to bruise (arm, most likely), and THEN he'll actually hit her.
And this ramp up might take another 2 years to happen, if this is the first time he's raised his hand to her. And in two years - I'm guessing that lease will be up. And they'll most likely be in the same house. And there might even be a pregnancy/child involved - all things that will make it 'easier' for her to brush it off and decide to stay.

No. Ma'am.

Esp. since she has a history of being in abusive relationships? She's groomed already to accept his behaviour, and to ignore the red flags.

Walk, sis, walk.

 

[Ladybelle]

Since she has a history of dating guy like this I would say he's an abuser. Just watching himself now until he gets her where he wants her. He's already shown what he's thinking about.

Next time he might push her or shake her but not hit her. The next time he may just get up in her face and scare her half to death. But he will hit her.

ITA. The situation is a red flag, he may not ever lay hands on her until he knows he has her, which could be after they move in together or after the I-do's. But call a spade a spade, if it walks like a duck & quacks like a duck- it's a duck.

eta:What I don't understand is how she was in an abusive relationship before and is missing it?? After making it out of an abusive relationship, it seems if a nicca just raised his voice too loud she would be ready to throw up them deuces!!

 

[Ladybelle]

I agree with those who say leave. I have been in an abusive relationship and now I have a zero policy.

I agree with checking criminal records. I didn't used to and when I started to it was after a relationship, and low and behold there was an old charge for menacing.

Another thing, this Guy is married without children at 37. Why?? I would want to know (disclaimer: I am married without children but this was my choice because I have been asked several times and said no, also I don't want to raise children alone).

amen! glad you made it out.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Abusive men always blames the breakups on the women. And most always claims that she cheated when it isn't true, just to make themselves look like innocent victims in the relationship. I've caught a few exes in that lie.

Whem this man raised his hand to hit her, he showed his true colors. When he feels comfortable, like he can get away with doing something like that, he WILL hit her.

Oh no, this fight wasn't about the lease, I just included that in the background so you could see how "serious" the relationship is.

I dont' know what the family says about him or about his ex situation. OH wait, no she told me before that he told her his ex cheated so he left her. He's got no kids or anything with the exes.



It SEEMS they have been arguing a lot lately, but that may only be cuz she calls me mostly after they fight instead of during "good" times.

I don't want her to look at the signs, unless it's an EXIT SIGN