He proposed without a ring...

[EbonyHairedPrincess]

He proposed to you and then left the country? You seem like a beautiful person inside and out. I can see why he would want to committee to you. Why couldn't he give you a gold band and a few days prior to leaving to enjoy your engagement with him? The ring is not a pre-requisite to a happy marriage but this doesn't seem right. I know soldiers who could die when they leave, who do better than this. My question is are you completely invested in this relationship? If he came back and opted not to marry you are you prepared to handle that?

 

[UrbainChic]

To the people that have mentioned a temporary ring...what would you say is the purpose of this?

All rings, temporary and permanent are supposed to be a symbol of a promise. And a signal to all that she encounters that she is promised to someone.

How important that symbol is to you is a personal thing.

 

[NaturalEnigma]

I don't think the ring really matters. I think the most important thing is he proposed to you, and its obvious he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. There's a lot of men out there that are in longterm relationships that will never have the nerve to ask their girlfriends to marry them. What I would be concerned about is that you're getting engaged after only a year of knowing each other. That's not that long, + he's going to be away for 8 months. Talking on the phone is nice and dandy, but to really know a person you need to physically interact with them, and be able to observe their mannerisms and behavior. The first year of a relationship is the honeymoon phase. I'm not advising you to call off anything but make sure you really know who you're marrying.

 

[mstrublvr]

I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether you want a marriage with this man. If yes, then work on that. Get a ring for the wedding or whatever AND be a big girl and tell your man you want a ring. Marriage is more than ring and wedding. It's a lifetime commitment.

Sent from my ADR6300

 

[YasashiiSekai]

I've been proposed to without a ring....but it was for playplay.

 

[Renewed1]

He could have at the least given you a temporary ring in my opinion. Seems like a last minute thought since he left the country for almost a year the very next day. Like he wants to make sure you stay "his" whilst he is away. Interesting.

I agree. I would "accept" his engagement; but I would pay attention to any signs that he is "distant." It may mean he is with someone else.

But during this time, I would acquire "friends" not to be in a relationship with them. But to have in the wings.

 

[CandiceC]

I've got mixed feelings about not having a ring for eight months after a proposal. I'd want something to tangible to gaze at while waiting for him to return. Maybe he can send you a nice inexpensive ring until he can give you an engagement ring personally.

When do you plan to start planning the wedding, OP?

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

...................................

 

[Triniwegian]

I am assuming he knew in advance that he would be leaving, so he would have had time to give you a ring.
I would not accept an engagement without a ring. If he cannot buy a ring, how will he take care of you when you get to the US? You do realize that he is financially responsible for you if he becomes your sponsor?

Unless you already have a job waiting, I would be concerned about his financial situation and how I would survive when I get to the US. If he is your sponsor you are completely dependent on him and you will not have a license or be able to work until your papers are in order, which can take years.

I wish you the best.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

I am assuming he knew in advance that he would be leaving, so he would have had time to give you a ring.
I would not accept an engagement without a ring. If he cannot buy a ring, how will he take care of you when you get to the US? You do realize that he is financially responsible for you if he becomes your sponsor?

Unless you already have a job waiting, I would be concerned about his financial situation and how I would survive when I get to the US. If he is your sponsor you are completely dependent on him and you will not have a license or be able to work until your papers are in order, which can take years.

I wish you the best.

Trust me ... that is not a good situation to be in as a foreigner.

@ op: Good luck with your situation.

 

[Farida]

You know him better than all of us...

but if I had to go off of the surface of this, it doesn't sound good.

DH proposed to me when we were both broke college students. He still bought me a ring. It's no Beyonce or Kim Kardashian or even half of the women on this board's ring, but it is a beautiful ring and enough for financial strain. I know he had to sacrifice to get it for me.

If he was going to return in 8 mos, it seems rushed. Has he told your family, his family, friends? That's key. A man can drop a $5 billion ring but if your engagement is a secret...well then...yeah.

Back in the day and in many cultures a man paid bride price (dowry on a man's part) and his family was involved. I almost see an engagement ring as somewhat of a modern equivalent. A declaration to friends and family, an investment, a symbol. Putting your money where your mouth is. Many people have mouths....lol. The reason the woman gets to keep the ring if he calls it off. It can mean a lot of things.

Scrutinize your relationship. You know him, you know yourself. Be honest with yourself. Do not be blinded by romance and dreams and imagination etc.

There's plenty of people who have been married without rings, just paperwork and stayed together forever. I have a family member who had such an extravagant wedding and it ended up being such a charade.

Most of what I said is just off of the surface. You know him! You know what's up!

 

[racheljay1985]

DH proposed while he was away but when we got married (on the day) he had already purchased and paid off the ring. It was a little under 1k since we are both still young and just starting our careers. However, we are purchasing more expensive rings in a year for our actual ceremony. I think he should've given you a promise ring before he left. A proposal sounds nice but if you are traditional a ring is what matters. It's a symbol. If something happens while he's there, or he is unfaithful, he doesn't owe you anything because his promise wasn't backed by an actual set in stone, action/promise.

 

[Farida]

we have spoken about marriage for quite awhile and he did come all the way to Germany to spend time with me(I'm moving to the US next year with him) he's a professional athlete...I think he thinks I have crazy expectations regarding the kind of ring I want !

Trust me ... that is not a good situation to be in as a foreigner.

@ op: Good luck with your situation.

You are coming to the states from abroad? So my guess would be you would be coming on a visitor's visa/visa waiver program or a K-1 (fiancee visa)? Assuming you are not a U.S. citizen.

I would be very careful. I worked in immigration and saw so many people's lives not work out in such arrangements. Make sure you take care of your interests. In fact, IMO you are even better off marrying him before you move to the states. (You are not supposed to use a visitor's visa or visa waiver program if you intend to move to the country).

Spouses have more rights under immigration law than fiancees. For example, spouses do not have to wait for a green card as "immediate relatives." As a fiancee, if he does not marry you within 90 days I think, you lose your visa status. If you come on a visa waiver (which like I said is not legal for intent to move) and your status expires and you violate that status (dual intent or overstaying) you could end up ruining your chances of EVER legally moving to the states. They do not play with VWP. I am assuming Germany is eligible.

Not to mention, applying for a k-1 visa last time I checked was $1000. If he cannot buy you a ring, that will be an issue. Also, he would have to prove he can support you financially. Which should not be too difficult unless he is super poor, cheated on his taxes (oh how people's tax returns come back to bite them. As to whether he can ACTUALLY support you that's another thing. The standard for immigration is pretty low.

My advice is to work with an immigration lawyer. US Immigration law is very complicated and nuanced and sometimes even with the best intentions people find themselves in such a conundrum...

 

[misskris816]

For me, it's not a proposal without a ring. In my mind, it's simply a rhetorical question.

 

[UrbainChic]

Well, honestly I think another nice symbol, other than the ring would be some of that immigration paperwork....

That to me would indicate some sort of seriousness on his part as well.

 

[lunabelle]

double post...

 

[lunabelle]

That life is not as luxurious as it seems ....trust me especially with overseas ball...it can be ruff

Ohhhhh... he plays bal overseas. I understand now. Well, if you are happy and CONFIDENT with knowing where the relationship is headed I don't see a problem. Only you understand the situation firsthand along with knowing his intentions about you.

Ummm, not to be a debbie downer, but my DH also plays pro ball and he proposed ring in hand his 1st year( and it ain't no gum ball ring). He knew what he had to do if he wanted me there. And if you are a professional athlete that means you are in the top 1% of all athletes in the world. They aren't handing those contracts to just anybody as many of NBA players are snatching up overseas jobs since the lockout, so the money ain't that shabby...
__________________

 

[caltron]

I agree with most on this board that in most cases serious proposals come with rings. It's more than just bling, but a sign that a man is serious about you, has thought this thing through, and is willing and able to provide for you when you two are married. It doesn't have to be a ring worth 3 months salary, but just enough to show that he is serious.

That being said, I've seen ringless proposals work out without a ring enough times so that I'm reluctant to tell you not to accept it on that basis alone.

 

[cheryl26]

My proposal was ringless but he was broke then and I understood. Anyways we've been married going on nine years and seem to be doing alright, so I don't think a proposal without a ring is any less meaningful.

 

[miss stress]

I didnt have a ring till like 2 yrs after we got mairred....... You just have to know the man and his intentions, if it feels right, it proably is

 

[ThickHair]

I was proposed to without a ring. It was a proposal none the less. Didn't bother me.

 

[Farida]

It really depends. Some people don't consider it a proposal without a ring AND wedding date.

Really depends on the couple. You know you have met people who are engaged for 10 years...no ring, no wedding in sight. Next thing you know they break up and 6 mos later dude is married to someone else.

 

[MissYocairis]

I haven't been. I don't know how I would feel. I think I would want SOMETHING..it doesn't have to be THE ring but something. Did you accept? If you feel it's fine, that's all that matters.

I'm sure many people outside of here have been proposed to without a ring and never got one. They just have their bands.

Congratulations, OP. I agree with TayMac. I have never been proposed to without a ring and I wouldn't want to. I want a ring with the proposal. My first proposal came at age 17. My boyfriend was 18. Even then, he proposed with a diamond ring (tiny, though it was). I didn't want to marry him though. Ended up giving it back after I changed my mind. Was waaay too young to be engaged.

I think you should, when the time is right, plant that seed in his mind that you are awaiting your ring. He's got to start asking you what type of ring you want and all of that. So, when the time is right, and you guys are discussing the wedding and the marriage, you may want to just gently bring up the ring so that he knows it's on your mind.

Not all men see the ring as important. I've seen plenty of married women and engaged women who don't have e-rings. I guess it's not important to the women either so just be sure that he is aware it is important to YOU.

And, remember, you can always upgrade to a better ring later if his financial situation will not allow him to purchase a really GREAT ring before your wedding. Many married women upgrade their rings later on when their financial situation as a couple has grown and improved. But, I understand your feelings.

 

[MissYocairis]

Ummm, not to be a debbie downer, but my DH also plays pro ball and he proposed ring in hand his 1st year( and it ain't no gum ball ring). He knew what he had to do if he wanted me there. And if you are a professional athlete that means you are in the top 1% of all athletes in the world. They aren't handing those contracts to just anybody as many of NBA players are snatching up overseas jobs since the lockout, so the money ain't that shabby...
__________________

This made me I hear you girl! I like your perspective. Overseas players still have their salaries published. OP, you should check that out. look: is that wrong of me to say?) I'd love to see him do the proposal right when you go out to visit him on your first visit.

I proposal stories! Please come back and share, share, share!

 

[MissYocairis]

You are coming to the states from abroad? So my guess would be you would be coming on a visitor's visa/visa waiver program or a K-1 (fiancee visa)? Assuming you are not a U.S. citizen.

I would be very careful. I worked in immigration and saw so many people's lives not work out in such arrangements. Make sure you take care of your interests. In fact, IMO you are even better off marrying him before you move to the states. (You are not supposed to use a visitor's visa or visa waiver program if you intend to move to the country).

Spouses have more rights under immigration law than fiancees. For example, spouses do not have to wait for a green card as "immediate relatives." As a fiancee, if he does not marry you within 90 days I think, you lose your visa status. If you come on a visa waiver (which like I said is not legal for intent to move) and your status expires and you violate that status (dual intent or overstaying) you could end up ruining your chances of EVER legally moving to the states. They do not play with VWP. I am assuming Germany is eligible.

Not to mention, applying for a k-1 visa last time I checked was $1000. If he cannot buy you a ring, that will be an issue. Also, he would have to prove he can support you financially. Which should not be too difficult unless he is super poor, cheated on his taxes (oh how people's tax returns come back to bite them. As to whether he can ACTUALLY support you that's another thing. The standard for immigration is pretty low.

My advice is to work with an immigration lawyer. US Immigration law is very complicated and nuanced and sometimes even with the best intentions people find themselves in such a conundrum...

THIS POST HERE. Is one of the reasons I have been a member of this forum for so long. A WEALTH of valuable information always comes to the surface. Thanks is not enough.

OP, Farida is an attorney and she knows what she is talking about. Besides making your engagement and wedding plans, be SURE to take your immigration requirements into consideration first and foremost. It sounds like it will dictate how all of your other plans for the wedding need to proceed.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

the fact that you started this thread OP means that you are more than likely interested in a ring. You said you don't want to tell people because you know more than likely they will say "ooh girl let me see your ring!" and you'll be like also, i sense that you may not feel "settled" in this commitment and don't want to say anything until you're sure, partly b/c the symbol of this commitment, the ring, is absent.

some don't believe in rings but you are not that type and that's okay. that doesn't make you materialistic.

i mean he could get you a ring with your birth stone in the center with a few diamonds or cz stones on the side for less than $150 or even less than $100.

if this is a man you plan to marry you should be able to tell him how you feel on an issue like this. trust, this is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

 

[Farida]

THIS POST HERE. Is one of the reasons I have been a member of this forum for so long. A WEALTH of valuable information always comes to the surface. Thanks is not enough.

OP, Farida is an attorney and she knows what she is talking about. Besides making your engagement and wedding plans, be SURE to take your immigration requirements into consideration first and foremost. It sounds like it will dictate how all of your other plans for the wedding need to proceed.

I have to disclaim, I am not licensed in any state (yet, I hope) so I am not a lawyer. I graduated law school and I have worked in immigration under the supervision of licensed attorneys and T.A'ed an immigration law course. So all this is my opinion, not a legal one because I cannot give legal advice especially without knowing OPs situation. Which is why my advice is to get a lawyer. I have seen things, which I cannot divulge because privilege/ethics forbids me, so I can only comment generally.

Immigration law is hopelessly idiosyncratic.

For example, if a person who entered the states on a visitor's visa (B1) with the intent just to visit or F-1 as a student, and for some reason overstays, and then later meets someone, gets married and then decides to move permanently, if certain requirements are met the person's overstay will be forgiven (waived) as an "immediate relative" a.k.a spouse, and the person entered the country legally and will be allowed to eventually get a green card and then citizenship later.

However, if a person enters the states on the visa waiver program as a visitor with the intent to visit and then overstays, and then decides to move permanently and has married someone, the person cannot get a green card! Having overstayed the VWP, the person now faces a ban. If the person leaves the country, the bans run from 3, 5, 10, 20 to lifetime bans! So the person can risk going to USCIS and hope they look the other way, or go to USCIS and risk being deported with a ban. The person is not eligible for a waiver!

People don't expect that outcome. The two situations are almost exactly the same. In fact you would think they would have more love for countries we have the Visa Waiver program deal with. The exact opposite for the VWP.

Also, once you get married your spouse has to file WITH you to allow you to get a permanent green card. I see cases where the spouse refuses to file with the person, runs off to another country or even dies. It is such a headache. Yet, if you are married for 3 years (I don't recall) before you move to the states, all you do is file for the green card and bam. No conditional green card for 3 years blah blah. But even coming in already married IMO is easier than coming in as a fiancee.

Also, depending on where you are from (citizenship) USCIS can really harass couples. For example if you are Vietnamese, Filipino, Indian, Mexican etc they automatically work off of the assumption that the marriage is fraudulent. Couples that date separately (not in the same area, long-distance) or overseas or even domestic are encouraged by lawyers to keep a record of their romance. Photos, e-mails, letters, meeting the family etc. Anything to support a bona fide marriage.

Assuming OP is from Germany and is a German citizen then they don't hassle those folk as much. But still keep a paper trail. Some Immigration Service Officers (ISOs) can be real ___________ .