Having a gorgeous friend is ruining my love life

[lana]

Hmm, there were some interesting posts on this topic. To me it doesn't sound like a self esteem issue, it just sounds like your friend is stunning and she gets more attention.

I'm an attractive woman with a ton of confidence, but when I went out a few times with my best gf...she would get all the attention! We're equally pretty in different ways so I was like what is the deal? But it turns out that I was not LOOKING for attention (no eye contact, no smiling, no lingering looks at men) whereas she was showing all the men that she was free and available. I mean this was cocktail hour at a restaurant, not the club.

Anyways looking around and smiling really matters.

 

[syze6]

It IS really about confidence. Men can pick up on it a mile away. My gf is a big woman and tall. She could be Fat Albert's sister. She LOVES herself and men love her as well. When we go to a club, she is out there dancing and having the time of her life. She is dressed to the nine and hair and make up on point.

She is very outgoing and guys find her to be cool as hell. She gets the "look at the fat girl look, from many at the clubs. Please believe she gets guys dancing all around her and befriending her.....because she LOVES herself. When you think you are all that, a man will think that also and want to get to know you. The curiousity come in to effect and they want to know what makes you so CONFIDENT!!!!

 

[simplertimes]

Hmm, there were some interesting posts on this topic. To me it doesn't sound like a self esteem issue, it just sounds like your friend is stunning and she gets more attention.

I'm an attractive woman with a ton of confidence, but when I went out a few times with my best gf...she would get all the attention! We're equally pretty in different ways so I was like what is the deal? But it turns out that I was not LOOKING for attention (no eye contact, no smiling, no lingering looks at men) whereas she was showing all the men that she was free and available. I mean this was cocktail hour at a restaurant, not the club.

Anyways looking around and smiling really matters.

I don't think it has a thing to do with confidence actually! In response to the underlined, I agree 100% . More than likely your friend is sending "I am available" signals (eye contact, smiles, flirty glances). Some people just exude these qualities wherever they are.

Ex. One of my friends is always sending flirty signals.
1. Removal of clothing. We could be in a room as cold as Alaska, and she will ALWAYS say "It's warm in here" and proceed to remove a piece of clothing.
2. Laughing loudly at whatever the person she is with is saying. (Even if it isn't that funny
3. Flirty glances at EVERY man who passes.

And she gets approached often. I on the other hand, NEVER make eye contact with men and all around ignore them because I don't like advances made toward me....It embarasses me for some reason So you can guess who will get more attention.. HTH

 

[Sasha Fierce]

I now know that the signal/vibe that the woman sends out is usually the determinant when you see a woman who gets so much attention after speaking to girlfriends about how men ended up approaching them.

And older man once told me that a man works off of confidence--not the woman's confidence, but his own. When she gives acknowledgement through a look, smile, or other gesture, this boosts him and gives him the confidence to approach.

 

[glamazon386]

I've been the friend. My gfs started stepping their game up.

I've found that I attract more men when we're in casual settings and they attract more when we're out in the club. I rarely get approached in the club. I usually have the mean mug face on though. I think it's more about the attitude though. If you go out thinking you're not gonna be approached or meet anybody then the men may be feeding off that vibe. Just walk tall and be the best you that you can be. I'm sure somebody will take notice.

 

[Nola Darling]

Trust me, it's the attitude. I went out to the club with my aunt once and I was amazed at all the men she was attracting (baby weight left and all). She's ultra confident and loves to dance and guys like dancing with her.

Another thing, I've noticed that a "friend" I have gone out with notices that I'm the more attractive one so she will hoe it up so that she will be the center of attention. She also tries to rush me when we are getting ready to go to the club. I don't think this is the best way to go. Be you and let your good attitude shine. This is how you pull the quality men.

 

[Keen]

i've been there. I just stopped focusing on the guys that were paying her attention and focused on myself instead. I gave myself a makeover, started exercising, got a lot more confident. Now when we go out i only focus on me and the guys that aproach me (trust me they do) and let her worry about herself.

p.s. it also helped that the guys that aproached her are the loser/ low self esteem types. For the longest time i couldn't see it but now i do. I'm so glad to be very tall cause my height automatically weeds out the losers.

So you're saying all short guys are loosers? What's the height cut off for a man not to be a looser?

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Trust me, it's the attitude. I went out to the club with my aunt once and I was amazed at all the men she was attracting (baby weight left and all). She's ultra confident and loves to dance and guys like dancing with her.

Another thing, I've noticed that a "friend" I have gone out with notices that I'm the more attractive one so she will hoe it up so that she will be the center of attention. She also tries to rush me when we are getting ready to go to the club. I don't think this is the best way to go. Be you and let your good attitude shine. This is how you pull the quality men.

My "friend" just did this to me on New Years! She used my bathroom and all the outlets for a long time and as soon as I plug in my curling iron she is not only rushing me but also trying to get me to take pics of her.

Depending on who you ask (we have a totally different look), some think she is more attractive than I am. But I will always pull more men than her as long as I'm concentrating on having fun but she is concentrating on how much male attention I'm getting.

 

[glamazon386]

This is how I feel. I understand where the OP is coming from, I went out with my girlfriend this weekend and she is like a man magnet, very stunning. I was thinking I shouldn't have even dressed up, nobody is even paying me any attention, this dude spilled some of his drink on my arm running over to talk to her, lol. It is annoying, but I don't let it phase me like that. There is always someone better looking...that's just life.

STL how could anybody be more stunning that you? I've always thought you were gorgeous.

 

[hrtbndr21]

Maybe you're invisible to them because you FEEL invisible. This has less to do with looks than you think. I have a friend who is quite gorgeous, and pulls more than her fair share of men. Her cousin is just on the cute side, plus she's a good 100 pounds overweight. Do you know the fat cousin pulls more men than the gorgeous cousin? It's all about attitude. Get your sexy on. Carry yourself with the confidence that you're the finest woman walking the planet, and you'll be approached also. Yes, I think it would be unkind for you to stop going out with your friend for that reason. You say you love her, so be happy for her, but know your own worth also.

ITA I know a girl that is not your classical idea of a beauty but her confidence will pull any guy in the room. All she has to do is give them "the look." I'm sitting there like , the boyfriends that I've seen have been really good looking.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It IS really about confidence. Men can pick up on it a mile away. My gf is a big woman and tall. She could be Fat Albert's sister. She LOVES herself and men love her as well. When we go to a club, she is out there dancing and having the time of her life. She is dressed to the nine and hair and make up on point.

She is very outgoing and guys find her to be cool as hell. She gets the "look at the fat girl look, from many at the clubs. Please believe she gets guys dancing all around her and befriending her.....because she LOVES herself. When you think you are all that, a man will think that also and want to get to know you. The curiousity come in to effect and they want to know what makes you so CONFIDENT!!!!

I completely agree! Especially with the comment in bold.
It really doesn't have much to do with looks at all. It's how you carry yourself, and your general attitude. Do you love yourself? I mean REALLY love yourself? If you do, then guys will pick up on that. If you don't, then that will show and guys will pick up on that too! Haven't you seen some women who were not all that great-looking snag some very nice-looking handsome men? A lot of women think: "Hmm...what does he see in her??" LOL! But I'm telling you, it's ALL about the attitude. And how you come across.

I noticed this a while ago back when I was still in school, I wasn't really trying to attract any guy attention. I was focused on my studies, and wasn't really looking to start a relationship. I think this showed in my overall attitude/demeanor too. I must have been giving off a certain vibe. I wore my hair pulled back in buns all the time, I wore glasses (I was studious you know...lol), and I didn't really smile or laugh much. Even my guy friends would joke about how I was being a total "book worm". Now days however, I laugh, I have fun, flirt, joke around and banter with guys, wear my hair down more often, dress nicely (not overdoing it, but you know...looking presentable), and smile more at guys. Now days I see more guys are coming up to me, and are feeling more comfortable in approaching me. I haven't really changed physically. I'm the same person I was before. I haven't had plastic surgery, or lost a great amount of weight, or gone overly "glam" with the make-up. Nope! I just changed my "vibe"/attitude. Before, I was giving off "don't approach" signals. And trust me, guys can pick up on them!

Let me tell you... that "Smiling" thing is noooo joke! I decided to try a little "experiment" about a few months ago and tried to just make and effort smile more in public for about a week. Whooo! Ladies...that is a deadly weapon with men! LOL! I couldn't even continue the "experiment" for more than two days because I was getting all kinds of guys coming up to me, approaching me on the metro, in the street, at work, etc. LOL!

I'm telling you, that "smile" is deadly! Only use it if you want a guy to approach you. Even a not-so-drop-dead-gorgeous girl can make a guy approach her if she just smiles his way. So, if you don't want guys to approach you, just put on your mean mug and frown. haha!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I will also add, that you want to be confident, but don't try to be TOO confident. Some guys will actually sometimes be too afraid of rejection to approach a girl who seems TOO confident. Guys have fragile egos.

So, appear confident and care-free, but definitely smile at him a lot to let him know that if he were to approach you, he wouldn't get shot down in public.

 

[Whimsy]

....well not EXACTLY...but i noticed that every time we go out together, it's like i'm COMPLETELY invisible to men. i dont even exist to guys when we go out. It used to bother me as a teen(we've been friends for 10 yrs) when i was still trying to 'find who i was'...but as a more confident and well esteemed adult.....SINGLE adult at that...it kinda sux cuz we go to the best places in NYC where the guys look the best. and i can't get approached for the life of me. they ALL...AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM flock right to her....don't get me wrong, this isn't a self esteem thread. i love my friend and she definitely deserves all the attention she gets!
she's my clubbing buddy. but it's getting a lil frustrating cuz i'm hardly meeting guys!

have any of u ladies experienced this?
is it wrong/junvenile to take a break from clubbing/going out with her for this reason?

OH MY GOSH!!! Okay my friend Kris, the one who's blog is in my siggy. That's my issue w/ her. I LOVE HER to bits, but she's too goddamn beautiful to hang out with often LOL! Seriously, when I was single and looking, it was hell being out with her because I felt like some ugly invisible cow and normally i think i'm the sh*t u know? I told her she had to ugly it up to go clubbing w/ me LOL Seriously, I just got over it and didn't make meeting men my sole goal for goin out to lounges w/ her.
that helped. when I manhunted I went with my friends who were NOT single. That helped too. Now that I'm back in a serious relationship I don't mind her being a freakin goddess cuz I don't want the boys anyway. Good luck!! If you take a break, dont' feel bad, and if you still go out w/ her, tell her to ugly it up HAHAHA

 

[serendipity]

So much of perceived beauty is confidence. As someone said earlier there is no such thing as universal beauty. There are guys who think Halle Berry is ugly. Everybody has their own aesthetic (I don't get the big booty mystique) and men are no exception. A woman who takes care of herself on the inside and outside, is intelligent, friendly, confident and carries herself well will have no problems attracting desirable men.

 

[AudraChanell]

Don't sweat it *wink* but branch out while you guys party. I will assume you are of average confidence (not being PC) because I know this happens especially if someone is just drop dead gorgeous. Looks are a part of life ie Beyonce, Denzel, Halle, that Darren Sharper guy, they get a lot of attention because of their looks. Don't let that affect your friendship. However, why don't you try going off for a spell or you two can go together for safety, camaraderie, laughs etc but you can "fish" or "hunt" semi-solo sometime ... these are just tips.

 

[sylver2]

I completely agree! Especially with the comment in bold.
It really doesn't have much to do with looks at all. It's how you carry yourself, and your general attitude. Do you love yourself? I mean REALLY love yourself? If you do, then guys will pick up on that. If you don't, then that will show and guys will pick up on that too! Haven't you seen some women who were not all that great-looking snag some very nice-looking handsome men? A lot of women think: "Hmm...what does he see in her??" LOL! But I'm telling you, it's ALL about the attitude. And how you come across.

I noticed this a while ago back when I was still in school, I wasn't really trying to attract any guy attention. I was focused on my studies, and wasn't really looking to start a relationship. I think this showed in my overall attitude/demeanor too. I must have been giving off a certain vibe. I wore my hair pulled back in buns all the time, I wore glasses (I was studious you know...lol), and I didn't really smile or laugh much. Even my guy friends would joke about how I was being a total "book worm". Now days however, I laugh, I have fun, flirt, joke around and banter with guys, wear my hair down more often, dress nicely (not overdoing it, but you know...looking presentable), and smile more at guys. Now days I see more guys are coming up to me, and are feeling more comfortable in approaching me. I haven't really changed physically. I'm the same person I was before. I haven't had plastic surgery, or lost a great amount of weight, or gone overly "glam" with the make-up. Nope! I just changed my "vibe"/attitude. Before, I was giving off "don't approach" signals. And trust me, guys can pick up on them!

Let me tell you... that "Smiling" thing is noooo joke! I decided to try a little "experiment" about a few months ago and tried to just make and effort smile more in public for about a week. Whooo! Ladies...that is a deadly weapon with men! LOL! I couldn't even continue the "experiment" for more than two days because I was getting all kinds of guys coming up to me, approaching me on the metro, in the street, at work, etc. LOL!

I'm telling you, that "smile" is deadly! Only use it if you want a guy to approach you. Even a not-so-drop-dead-gorgeous girl can make a guy approach her if she just smiles his way. So, if you don't want guys to approach you, just put on your mean mug and frown. haha!

so tru..the smile is the secret weapon..lol

 

[mrselle]

I have to agree with everyone else who said it's all about how you carry yourself and how confident you are. When I was in college I hung around a group of girls and one of them was absolutely gorgeous. Her hair always looked good, her outfits were always on point, she was always smiling and was very chatty. She knew how to talk to people and no matter what she had going on in her life she always made it sound like she was on the up and up. On the other hand I was very, very shy and quiet. I was cute, but no one saw me because I was a wall flower. I used to sit at parties and look at the girls who had guys all around them and say to one of my friends, "She is so pretty." One day my friend told me, "You are just as pretty as she is, but you don't ever talk. Part of her beauty is because she is outgoing and looks like she is having a good time." Another thing is that I always thought I couldn't get the really good looking guys and that there were always with women who were prettier than me. The truth is the women were pretty, but their confidence made them stand out and that is why they were attracted to them.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

So I got a question and the OP can throw some clarity on this if she comes back.


So let's say the OP was out chilling with her girl the first time they hung out. She doing her "It Girl" grown woman style and IS feeling confident. As the night proceeds, dude after dude is running her over to get to her homegirl.

Was she not confident enough?

I keep reading how all you need is confidence, but I think that's a grand oversimplification. I think upon first impression, the majority of men will choose looks over swagger when it comes to women.

 

[redbone_412]

I've always found that it is about how you carry yourself. There have been plenty of times I didn't get love when I've gone out with my girls and vice versa. But we also have different "looks" so I think it all depends on what a guy is attracted to.

What's funny is that I have a friend...her and I look very similar (really light, short hair, green eyes but I'm really short and thick she's taller with big breats and a flat butt) but whenever we go out, guys never approach her so I asked this guy that I met while we were together why did he talk to me and not her and he said that I was shaped like a grown woman but most importantly, she looked like she doesn't have alot of confidence. And that's true, she has horrible self esteem. To her, a man sweating her or telling she's pretty makes her feel beautiful, which is how her mother raised her to think. At that point I knew it was more to it than looks. I know this isn't the case for all, but at least for some it is.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

So I got a question and the OP can throw some clarity on this if she comes back.


So let's say the OP was out chilling with her girl the first time they hung out. She doing her "It Girl" grown woman style and IS feeling confident. As the night proceeds, dude after dude is running her over to get to her homegirl.

Was she not confident enough?

I keep reading how all you need is confidence, but I think that's a grand oversimplification. I think upon first impression, the majority of men will choose looks over swagger when it comes to women.

Hmmm...now this is a good point, and opens up the way for an interesting discussion! It's sort of like, what came first?? The chicken or the egg?

Is it her low confidence that is causing her to feel "invisible" or inferior to her friend? OR...is it the fact that she is always repeatedly being passed up by guys who are more interested in her friend that is giving her the low confidence in the first place?? Interesting! I guess only she would know. I suppose someone could do some "experiments" to find out.

One thing I will say however is that my younger sister has always (IMO) been the "prettier one" in the family. I'm attractive also, but she has more what one would call "model good looks". Dark smooth skin, somewhat tall, pretty smile, perfect teeth, etc. AND she also has a fairly outgoing personality. She likes to smile a lot. Whereas me...I'm a little more reserved (although I have changed dramatically in the past few years), I'm attractive but in a different way, wore braces when I was young, I'm not as tall, etc.

But I'm telling you, when I stopped feeling like a wall-flower or "invisible" around my sister, I ended up coming into my own and am now more outgoing and bubbly than SHE is! With this result, I now get more attention and I'm not just sitting around quietly in a corner anymore hoping to get noticed. One lady who's a friend of the family pulled me over to the side one day when I had my hair down and looking nice, and she said: "You know what...you're JUST as pretty as your sister, but you HIDE your beauty behind your glasses and your hair buns. No one will ever know unless you break out of your shell and show them."

She was so right! I'm still working on my shyness, but I've definitely done a complete 180 since she told me that.

It may not be as simple as "confidence", but confidence and feeling GOOD about yourself certainly helps. It's sort of like the LOA. If you FEEL good about yourself, you'll do things to enhance your natural beauty. Take care of yourself, eat right, exercise, buy nice clothes that flatter your figure, won't be afraid to speak your mind, carry yourself in a classy way, etc. ANd trust me...people will GRAVITATE to you. It's almost like they will be drawn to you because of the vibe that you exude.

 

[MrsBurns82]

I have this issue with one of my friends. I have a tight crew of five girls and I must say we can all hold our own at any event. We each look very different. I"m short brown skin, my butt and legs are huge (high school track) and my waiste is very small. My other friend is short has the pretties chocolate complexion ever, dreds narrow shoulders wide hips. Another friend of mine is about 5'11 also chocolate complexion huuuuuuuuuuuuge breast and booty she is the biggest of us all but she's very solid (UNC track star!!!) my other friend about 5'7 dark brown skin dreds average shape, eyes and smile to die for. Now the friend with the issue she's light skin, has freckles ( I love them, she hates them) has reddish brown 3b/c ish hair ( I love it, she hates it) has a nice body, wears about a c cup and could go the rest of her life without a bra no one would notice( my friend with the huge breast envies her).

Everytime we go out she complains about how we all look so much better than her and if I borrow something of hers she says she doesn't want it back because I look better than her in her own clothes but she never wears any thing with color. Mostly all of her clothes are black, brown or gray. When we are out she looks like she doesn't want to be there and if someone does approach her she acts so mean. But when we get home she complains about how no one shows her attention.

So I think confidence has a lot to do with it, if your standing next to your so called more attractive friend looking like you should be holding her bags then of course no one is going to approach you. Not everyone likes the same thing although she may be pretty I'm sure not everyone is into her.

There has been many of time when my friends and I have gone out and no one paid me any mind but one of my other friends hit the hotty jack pot other nights it went the other way around. I just say don't sweat it. Have fun with your friend and if you see a guy that your that much into approach him.

 

[IntelligenceisBeautiful]

Confidence has a lot to do with it, and so does looks (it's the truth). To be honest in a clubbing environment I'm not the flirty type at all. I do not go to the club to meet men...simple, it's just not the place. I go to get my drink on with my girls and have fun, I dance etc. Nevertheless, I tend to attract the older, seemingly serious, husband material charmer. I get told often that I give off a no nonsense vibe. Usually, the straight up "hood" types don't even approach. The truth is, I'll dance, chit chat, and have a drink with whatever type (as long as he's respectful) but most likely there will be no exchange of numbers. I make sure to have fun, a girl who's having fun is attractive even if it's not her intention to attract. Who wants to approach a moper?

Concentrate on having fun girl, so what your friend gets more attention? You're only bringing your vibration down by paying attention to what she has and what you supposedly lack.

Men taste vary, just like women's. I'm sure you're a very attractive women and you're most likely not paying attention to the men who are looking your way. Believe you are the bomb, and the world will follow suit. Act like, become like.

I just want to add that I was where you are at one point. I was very insecure and it showed. Now I'm condident and everythang changed...lol

 

[gabulldawg]

I would definitely say it's about 90% confidence. Many guys won't approach the most attractive female in the room because they can tell she has low self-esteem. You'd be surprised how many men don't want to deal with that drama. Hell, would you? How fun would it be to constantly have to tell someone that s/he is beautiful everyday? That automatically ruins the whole package. why do you think there are so many single celebrities? People consider Halle to be one of the most attractive women in the world but she was single for a long time (and I think is now). You can sense the drama a mile away...

I have a cousin who I used to think was so much prettier than me. I used to hate going to the mall with her, going to the club, etc. because she would always get more attention than me. Over the years I have definitely upgraded myself (hair, makeup, clothing, shoes, etc.) and am slowly building up my confidence. Now I get PLENTY of attention and we are about equal in that playing field unless she wears really revealing clothing (she has issues with needing male attention sometimes). I have also noticed that how I act when we go out definitely affects whether anyone approaches me. The last time we went out for a ladies night I was more reserved and didn't make eye contact with many men, mainly because I wasn't in the mood to have men approach me and for me to have to turn them down.

I definitely don't think you should not go out with your friend because you think she's prettier than you. I think the issue lies within yourself. I haven't seen your picture or hers, so you may be the only person who thinks that she is actually prettier than you!! It could be her clothes or make-up or perfume that attracts men to her! You never know!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Confidence has a lot to do with it, and so does looks (it's the truth). To be honest in a clubbing environment I'm not the flirty type at all. I do not go to the club to meet men...simple, it's just not the place. I go to get my drink on with my girls and have fun, I dance etc. Nevertheless, I tend to attract the older, seemingly serious, husband material charmer. I get told often that I give off a no nonsense vibe. Usually, the straight up "hood" types don't even approach. The truth is, I'll dance, chit chat, and have a drink with whatever type (as long as he's respectful) but most likely there will be no exchange of numbers. I make sure to have fun, a girl who's having fun is attractive even if it's not her intention to attract. Who wants to approach a moper?

Concentrate on having fun girl, so what your friend gets more attention? You're only bringing your vibration down by paying attention to what she has and what you supposedly lack.

Men taste vary, just like women's. I'm sure you're a very attractive women and you're most likely not paying attention to the men who are looking your way. Believe you are the bomb, and the world will follow suit. Act like, become like.

I just want to add that I was where you are at one point. I was very insecure and it showed. Now I'm condident and everythang changed...lol

So true...


PS--Go 'head girl! You're working that dress!

 

[melissa-bee]

This discussion was really helpful for me.

 

[anon123]

Poochie, can we get an update? Did you try going out without this particular friend? Did you get different results?

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

I've had more than a few people tell that some beautiful women don't have a lot of confidence because they don't get approached even when they are smiling and/or talking.

 

[princessnad]

I understand how you feel and I think it's ok to go out without her sometimes. Just also get mentally prepared.

There was a guy who was trying to talk to a friend of mine yesterday at a club and she was so convinced that he was just a wingman from someone trying to hit on me that she missed out on what seemed to be a great guy.

 

[CurliDiva]

Are you playing a "supporting" role when the two of you go out?

Meaning are you challenging your inner “girl” swagger or are you just fading into the background because you "think" all the guys will flock to her.

I had a club buddy (back when I used to go to clubs) that was my complete physical opposite (petite to my amazon, light to my chocolate, skinny to my boob-liciousness) yet we were the life the party because we BOTH felt and looked hot!

The only thing guys like more than a hot woman... is TWO HOT WOMEN!

So, don’t even think about hating on your friend (why would you hurt someone you care about because of the behavior some dudes in a club) and UP YOUR GAME!