Having a gorgeous friend is ruining my love life

[Dposh167]

....deleted


this is a 3 year old thread that keeps getting bumped. For what reason i don't know. But i'm waaaaaay past this type of thinking now. I have a SO that i've been with for a year now, and things such as this topic is not how i think about myself anymore. thanks for the feedback when i did post this tho

 

[Lindy]

Not really, I've always felt like I could hold my own when out with any of my friends.... I have a friend at work that said one time that she doesn't want to go to singles events with me because I'm too gorgeous... I was like, umm, thanks, I guess, but I don't want my friends feeling that way about me... It kinda sucks!! What, I'm supposed to go out by myself??!! erplexed

 

[IntoMyhair]

Truthfully I have but it was only when the other woman is dressed like a hoe. Tits all out and jeans she could not breath in.

 

[keluric]

My best friend complains of the same thing. We've been friends for eight years and she claims to be invisible when we're out together. I suppose I would understand if she wanted to take a break from going out for this reason. I meet her guy friends eventually anyway and while most do give me a look, there's nothing more to it than that. The guys are probably going to meet your friend anyway if she's someone close to you. If you date men who want you for you, it shouldn't be a problem.

 

[Much2much41]

....well not EXACTLY...but i noticed that every time we go out together, it's like i'm COMPLETELY invisible to men. i dont even exist to guys when we go out. It used to bother me as a teen(we've been friends for 10 yrs) when i was still trying to 'find who i was'...but as a more confident and well esteemed adult.....SINGLE adult at that...it kinda sux cuz we go to the best places in NYC where the guys look the best. and i can't get approached for the life of me. they ALL...AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM flock right to her....don't get me wrong, this isn't a self esteem thread. i love my friend and she definitely deserves all the attention she gets!
she's my clubbing buddy. but it's getting a lil frustrating cuz i'm hardly meeting guys!

have any of u ladies experienced this?
is it wrong/junvenile to take a break from clubbing/going out with her for this reason?

Maybe you're invisible to them because you FEEL invisible. This has less to do with looks than you think. I have a friend who is quite gorgeous, and pulls more than her fair share of men. Her cousin is just on the cute side, plus she's a good 100 pounds overweight. Do you know the fat cousin pulls more men than the gorgeous cousin? It's all about attitude. Get your sexy on. Carry yourself with the confidence that you're the finest woman walking the planet, and you'll be approached also. Yes, I think it would be unkind for you to stop going out with your friend for that reason. You say you love her, so be happy for her, but know your own worth also.

 

[Lindy]

Maybe you're invisible to them because you FEEL invisible. This has less to do with looks than you think. It's all about attitude. Get your sexy on. Carry yourself with the confidence that you're the finest woman walking the planet, and you'll be approached also. .

This is sooo true... I used to hang out with a girl who wasn't what most guys would consider beautiful, but she had more confidence than anyone I've ever known, and guys were drawn to her like a magnet!!

 

[Dposh167]

This is sooo true... I used to hang out with a girl who wasn't what most guys would consider beautiful, but she had more confidence than anyone I've ever known, and guys were drawn to her like a magnet!!

I will admit that i am a more reserved girl. and my friend is a very energetic vibrant one. so maybe u ladies are right as far as it not being about looks all the time and the vibe that she's giving off in general.

maybe that will be my resolution for 2008...to be a little more than normal lol

 

[sylver2]

....well not EXACTLY...but i noticed that every time we go out together, it's like i'm COMPLETELY invisible to men. i dont even exist to guys when we go out. It used to bother me as a teen(we've been friends for 10 yrs) when i was still trying to 'find who i was'...but as a more confident and well esteemed adult.....SINGLE adult at that...it kinda sux cuz we go to the best places in NYC where the guys look the best. and i can't get approached for the life of me. they ALL...AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM flock right to her....don't get me wrong, this isn't a self esteem thread. i love my friend and she definitely deserves all the attention she gets!
she's my clubbing buddy. but it's getting a lil frustrating cuz i'm hardly meeting guys!

have any of u ladies experienced this?
is it wrong/junvenile to take a break from clubbing/going out with her for this reason?

I felt this way about one of my friends. She was Japanese & black and dudes would lose their minds..lol. I was def invisble..but I also had very low self esteem. I automaticaly resigned myself to loser status when we would hang. This was years ago. I'm very confidant now. Its always goin to be some woman finer then me..lol.

 

[MuseofTroy]

....well not EXACTLY...but i noticed that every time we go out together, it's like i'm COMPLETELY invisible to men. i dont even exist to guys when we go out. It used to bother me as a teen(we've been friends for 10 yrs) when i was still trying to 'find who i was'...but as a more confident and well esteemed adult.....SINGLE adult at that...it kinda sux cuz we go to the best places in NYC where the guys look the best. and i can't get approached for the life of me. they ALL...AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM flock right to her....don't get me wrong, this isn't a self esteem thread. i love my friend and she definitely deserves all the attention she gets!
she's my clubbing buddy. but it's getting a lil frustrating cuz i'm hardly meeting guys!

have any of u ladies experienced this?
is it wrong/junvenile to take a break from clubbing/going out with her for this reason?

Um if you are going to stop going out with your friend because she gets more attention from men, then it is a self esteem issue on your part. I also think that you will be in the wrong to stop going out with her over such a trivial issue. If she’s a friend and hasn’t done anything wrong then why kick her to the curve because guys at a club give her more attention? It sounds really unfair to her…Besides most lasting relationships don’t start off in the club….Most people go to the club show off, to hook up, and get attention.

Then again your feelings will eventually develop into deep rooted jealousy and your friendship might be over anyway. My advice is to step up your game if you want more attention from men.

Based on my experience, there have been times where my girlfriends get more attention than me and vice versa. It's all good though because we go out to have fun. Getting hit on is an added bonus (SOMETIMES LOL..some horse breath men are so not worth talking to anyway)

 

[Dposh167]

Um if you are going to stop going out with your friend because she gets more attention from men, then it is a self esteem issue on your part. I also think that you will be in the wrong to stop going out with her over such a trivial issue. If she’s a friend and hasn’t done anything wrong then why kick her to the curve because guys at a club give her more attention? It sounds really unfair to her…Besides most lasting relationships don’t start off in the club….
Then again your feelings will eventually develop into deep rooted jealousy and your friendship might be over anyway. My advice is to step up your game if you want more attention from men.

)

well theres really no intention of kicking her to the curve. and i'm not saying that she's getting in the way of finding my one true love..lol...i dont look for that in the club anyway. I was referring to the intial 'meeting of guys'. or introduction of guys. and trust there won't be any deep rooted jealousy btwn us. if that's the case we would not have been friends this many years and counting. i don't mind coming outta my shell a little bit more than normal but i would feel silly stepping up my game to a degree thats 'not like myself' to overshine her. i would feel like i was trying to become someone i'm not just to get attention. so like i said b4, i'll try to come outta my shell a lil bit and see how comfortable i am with that

 

[MuseofTroy]

well theres really no intention of kicking her to the curve. and i'm not saying that she's getting in the way of finding my one true love..lol...i dont look for that in the club anyway. I was referring to the intial 'meeting of guys'. or introduction of guys. and trust there won't be any deep rooted jealousy btwn us. if that's the case we would not have been friends this many years and counting. i don't mind coming outta my shell a little bit more than normal but i would feel silly stepping up my game to a degree thats 'not like myself' to overshine her. i would feel like i was trying to become someone i'm not just to get attention. so like i said b4, i'll try to come outta my shell a lil bit and see how comfortable i am with that

Well your friend has nothing to do with guys not paying attention to you. If you have issues coming out of your shell then that might be the issue. Your body language might be another factor. You'll be surprised how your body language can be interpreted.

 

[tocktick]

....well not EXACTLY...but i noticed that every time we go out together, it's like i'm COMPLETELY invisible to men. i dont even exist to guys when we go out. It used to bother me as a teen(we've been friends for 10 yrs) when i was still trying to 'find who i was'...but as a more confident and well esteemed adult.....SINGLE adult at that...it kinda sux cuz we go to the best places in NYC where the guys look the best. and i can't get approached for the life of me. they ALL...AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM flock right to her....don't get me wrong, this isn't a self esteem thread. i love my friend and she definitely deserves all the attention she gets!
she's my clubbing buddy. but it's getting a lil frustrating cuz i'm hardly meeting guys!

have any of u ladies experienced this?
is it wrong/junvenile to take a break from clubbing/going out with her for this reason?

no...if it's only a "break". i think during this time you may come to realise that what's stopping you from getting a male attention, may not be her but yourself.

i also must add that i've heard many, many times that men will flock to women in clubs who hold themselves well and seem very confident even if they have "average" looks. i think it's possible that after all these years of watching your friend get approached first in clubs, this may have dented your confidence a little and maybe you've even become resigned to just this happening. so therefore, you may not seem as confident and approachable. my analysis of you may be wrong though. only you truly knows if you've been affected like that.

 

[HairQueen]

I know how you feel! I have a friend like this she is light skinned, nice set of teeth, pretty face and the biggest booty I ever seen! (I am not saying she is better because she is light skinned I am just describing her looks).

Don't get me wrong I have a lot of men approach me but she gets 5 times as many! Its horrible to be the one to get less attention all the time!

I agree somewhat with what people are saying about smiling and body language can help but no matter how much I smile or change my body language the fact is some guys prefer her because she is the personal preference of A LOT of men looks wise.

BUT...... I will say this, she does not get treated any better in her relationships because she is beautiful. She has been cheated on, lied to, ignored in the club while her man danced with someone else in front of her face ( I saw it with my own eyes) and these sorts of things have happened to her with several of her boyfriends. And no its not her personality making this happen she is a lovely person and she don't take no nonsense either!!

So the point I am making is that although initally she gets more attention the end result for her is the same as for anybody else! She is seeing somone right now but she stopped sleeping with him becasue she said he sleeping with someone else and she knows it.

Sometimes I think being good looking is even to her disadvantage because all the boyfriends I have ever seen her with are nowhere near as hot as her (nowhere!!) so sometimes I think it goes to their head and they think "wow if I can get her I must be good looking so I can have any woman I want"!

On a final note I believe that when am man REALLY loves a woman I don't think any other beautiful woman can turn his head..

 

[sunnydaze]

ITA this has more to do with your feelings about yourself than her.

Since someone mentioned the light skinned bit, I have a friend who is light skinned, curly hair, cute face, big boobs..alot of the attributes that many women consistently seem to wrongly "think" guys flock to. Out of all of us, she was the least likely to get approached by any man EVER. Why? because she was painfullly insecure and you could pick it up a mile away. Who has time to be pulling someone out of their shell..at a nightclub.....that's way too much work.

I ran with a crew of about 5 girls back in my clubbing days and then we would always wonder why one girl in particular was always first to get approached, when we honestly felt she was the least physically attractive. When she walked in a room, you couldn't tell her that she wasn't the ish. She had CONFIDENCE that's why. Age and wisdom has taught me that means so much more.

Nothing wrong with being reserved..just know that you are a vibrant, beautiful reserved woman that any man would be lucky to get to know...AKA...DO YOU!

 

[Nevaeh1282]

is it wrong/junvenile to take a break from clubbing/going out with her for this reason?

Simply put... YES it is.

There is always going to be somebody who is better looking than you, so if you shy away from going out with such people, then you're going to end up a hermit.
I mean even if your friend wasn't with you when you go out, how are you so sure that the guys who usually flock to her would check you out anyways? I'm sure there have been guys who have been attracted to you, but because you were so hung up on the majority paying her attention that you failed to notice them.

Like many have said before... it's about confidence. Men love a woman with confidence and a friendly and approachable demeanour. Try that out and you may find that your friend will be the one complaining that she's invisible around you!

 

[Farida]

OP I had a friend who was the same way. She was so HOT. Everywhere we went, no matter how big a group of girls we were, all the guys flocked to her. I was confident - I was very popular in school, but when I was with her it's like I did not exist.

I just consoled myself with the fact that she wasn't a very good girlfriend. She cheated on most of her boyfriends. I also had other attributes that she didn't - academics.

Eventually some guys paid attention to me because she really wasn't their type, and others didn't want to fight the group of men to get to her. It is ok to feel that way but don't let it make you feel any less of who you are.

 

[Lindy]

Sometimes I think being good looking is even to her disadvantage because all the boyfriends I have ever seen her with are nowhere near as hot as her (nowhere!!) so sometimes I think it goes to their head and they think "wow if I can get her I must be good looking so I can have any woman I want"!

Umm, yes, this is THE TRUTH... erplexed Unfortunately it's usually the most shallow guys that seek out the prettiest girl, and once they get her, they get bored and wonder who ELSE they can get, since they were able to get her... Idiots. erplexed

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Confidence is everything. Maybe you seem unapproachable.

But beauty isn't the holy grail to life. I'm sure it's nice to be gorgeous and get all the attention, but ask any GORGEOUS girl, and she'll tell you the downsides. Do you want someone who only wants you for your looks? I'm average looking, and when guys approach me, it's because they see my personality, and in their eyes I'm beautiful. Beauty fades, some women hold on to beauty forever, but most do not. Just look up old and new photos of former sex kittens like Brigitte Bardot.

I'm not trying to generalize ALL gorgeous women, but there is someone out there who thinks you're gorgeous, if these guys don't approach you, they are missing out and what truly lies beneath.

 

[Lady Esquire]

I have never experienced this because I truly believe that you have to work with what you have, and do not compare yourself to others. By doing so, you only distract yourself from your true blessings. If you are busy worried about how fine homegirl is, you take away valuable focus that you should be putting into yourself.

Use this upcoming year to work on your self-confidence. Trust me, when you are secure within...it exudes a certain attractiveness that draws men to you.

And when you get your swagger on, it won't matter how fine your group of friends are, 'cause you'll be emitting your own brand of sexy.

 

[HoneyDew]

All women enjoy getting attention. If not, we would not be so concerned about hair, makeup, weight, clothes, etc.

I don't think you should stop going out with your friend, but I don't think there is anything wrong with not going out with her sometimes, either. There is nothing wrong with changing your "sceneary" up sometimes just for a different mood or outcome in your life. I have a friend that talks too much. Sometimes I just don't feel like dealing with that but I love her to death. I don't think it is wrong that I choose not to go out with her sometimes depending on what I am feeling like on a particular night.

I have been out with friends that get more attention than me. I get attention from men often, but I notice that when I am out with a friend that stands out because of being very tall, or wearing extra sexy gear, etc. I get less attention that I normally do. But that is okay because I know there are times when I am the center of attention and every women needs to be able to enjoy that sometimes.

So if you are never getting attention, maybe you should do whatever you need to do to get the ball rolling. It is your life girlie. Don't make excuses for your feelings. Do what you need to do, but maybe you should not think about it so seriously. For all you know, you may feel terrible that your girl is not there with you.

Do it one time and see how it goes - it won't hurt.

 

[FeelinIt]

This is sooo true... I used to hang out with a girl who wasn't what most guys would consider beautiful, but she had more confidence than anyone I've ever known, and guys were drawn to her like a magnet!!

My friend is like that. Not what you call gawgess. She is very average. This woman can pull men with her hair in a small bun, never a sliver of makeup and a warm up on. IT NEVER FAILS!! And she's married. BUt she never had a shortage of men who flocked to her.

Now ME....NO. And i know why. I never talk, make eye contact, or give any signals that I'm interested.

 

[FeelinIt]

I will admit that i am a more reserved girl. and my friend is a very energetic vibrant one. so maybe u ladies are right as far as it not being about looks all the time and the vibe that she's giving off in general.

maybe that will be my resolution for 2008...to be a little more than normal lol

There it is right there. WHen I tell you my friend is average she is average BUT men loved her. She has a great and engaging personality. Quiet types like myself get NO PLAY....LOL!

 

[DragonPearl]

is it wrong/junvenile to take a break from clubbing/going out with her for this reason?

In your case, it is not wrong or juvenile. It's being gentle with yourself.

The whole idea of going out is to have fun. If you're NOT having fun going out with her, take a break from doing so. Nevermind all the PC talk! It takes a lot of self-confidence to feel comfortable next to a glamorous friend. Obviously, you're not "there yet in terms of self confidence. You're in the process of building it, and as you're learning to feel more comfortable with yourself and own your strength as a woman, respect where you are and work with it.

Originally Posted by poochie167
.......it kinda sux cuz we go to the best places in NYC where the guys look the best. and i can't get approached for the life of me. they ALL...AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM flock right to her....don't get me wrong, this isn't a self esteem thread. i love my friend and she definitely deserves all the attention she gets!

Now, I need to say this: There is no such thing as a beauty that ALL men like and flock to. There is NO such thing!! I wish this simple truth was drilled into our female minds since childhood. Though a good number of them fall under the established cultural tastes of their particular country and era, men are very diverse in their taste, and it doesn't matter if you're tall, short, fat, slim, average, thick, skinny, long haired, short haired, feminine, boyish, motherly, outgoing, shy, sexy, classy, whorish, sluttish, black, white, yello, dark, young, old, damnit, some dude is going to look at you and think

When you're hanging out with your friend, you're too busy noticing the men who like her, and you're probably ignoring the men who like you.

 

[Lindy]

There it is right there. WHen I tell you my friend is average she is average BUT men loved her. She has a great and engaging personality. Quiet types like myself get NO PLAY....LOL!

Exactly!! The next time you go out (with or without your friend) try this experiment, even though it is going to feel WEIRD... walk into the club, and as you go through the crowd, force yourself to make eye contact with guys who appeal to you, and SMILE right at them. Trust me, you will spend the entire night talking to men, or on the dance floor!! THAT is the secret!! IT WORKS!! (If you're like me, you might need a lil dranky drank to put this into full effect... ; yep, I'm one of those reserved types )

 

[bluediamond0829]

I can relate to this....actually it was a little different though it wasnt that they were cuter than me but they were thinner and i always felt self conscious about being heavier than they were.

So what did I do. Well my situation was a little different then yours because i didnt live near them but with one i had knwn since elementary school and the other since high school. That was good in one part of me not living near them so i could concentrate on losing weight and gaining confidence in myself know matter the size. And I also was not as outgoing when it came to men either I was more of the shy so called 'nerdy' type. Not to the point where im wearing glasses but more into studying and school.

I dont think you should kick your friend to the curve i think maybe you should go out to different places or maybe go out alone or with someone else. Are u just going to clubs and this is happening? because i wouldnt worry too much about the men that you come across in clubs. That was another good thing because i knew that the men tht were going after of them were men you wouldnt take seriously(they were at a club and everyone is out to have fun and peep the scene). But i understand what you mean by feeling invisible.

Maybe if you try different places besides clubs you may experience and come into a different arena of men.

For example going to a gallery opening, sports bars(barnacles, Dave and busters etc), bowling alley, spoken word.

 

[caribeandiva]

i've been there. I just stopped focusing on the guys that were paying her attention and focused on myself instead. I gave myself a makeover, started exercising, got a lot more confident. Now when we go out i only focus on me and the guys that aproach me (trust me they do) and let her worry about herself.

p.s. it also helped that the guys that aproached her are the loser/ low self esteem types. For the longest time i couldn't see it but now i do. I'm so glad to be very tall cause my height automatically weeds out the losers.

 

[STLCoverGirl]

I felt this way about one of my friends. She was Japanese & black and dudes would lose their minds..lol. I was def invisble..but I also had very low self esteem. I automaticaly resigned myself to loser status when we would hang. This was years ago. I'm very confidant now. Its always goin to be some woman finer then me..lol.

This is how I feel. I understand where the OP is coming from, I went out with my girlfriend this weekend and she is like a man magnet, very stunning. I was thinking I shouldn't have even dressed up, nobody is even paying me any attention, this dude spilled some of his drink on my arm running over to talk to her, lol. It is annoying, but I don't let it phase me like that. There is always someone better looking...that's just life.

 

[dannie]

I have a friend of a friend, where everytime we go out w/ her, she's the man magnet and we're invisible. Her ass is outta control huge and she has a cute face too.

So I dont go out w/ her anymore. I even told my friend not to invite her to go out w/ us on New Years Eve. I know that sounds messed up, but its the truth. Who wants to go out and be ignored all nite??? Thats no fun.

Someone might say thats a self esteem issue on my part, but Im looking @ facts...

when she's there=hardly any attention
when shes not there=love in the club

I mean its cut and dry. My advice is to do other stuff w/ her shopping, movies, etc...but find someone else to club with. Your trying to have fun and get attention too, and theres no shame in admitting that.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

it wrong/junvenile to take a break from clubbing/going out with her for this reason?

Nope, sometimes the situation is what it is.

This isn't about confidence, it's about reality. You can have all the confidence in the world, but if you're average standing next to stunning, the outcome is pretty predictable.

I wouldn't cut a friend off completely, but I would go more places on my own or with other friends.

 

[Much2much41]

i've been there. I just stopped focusing on the guys that were paying her attention and focused on myself instead. I gave myself a makeover, started exercising, got a lot more confident. Now when we go out i only focus on me and the guys that aproach me (trust me they do) and let her worry about herself.

p.s. it also helped that the guys that aproached her are the loser/ low self esteem types. For the longest time i couldn't see it but now i do. I'm so glad to be very tall cause my height automatically weeds out the losers.

I'm confused. How does height factor into the scenario?