Have You Stayed With A Cheater?

[Holla]

My Grandma just said, Cheating aint no reason to leave your husband!!!

I had the screwface, I am normally 100% with my grandma. But that comment had me looking at her sideways, and my grandaddy too. lol.

A lot of folk who have been married 50+ years, you don't know what they have been thru or Put up with...all that glitters aint gold.

This is true.

However from having parents and numerous aunts/uncles/older cousins who have been married 40...50 years and counting, I can tell you that the people who stayed were going to stay anyway. I found out about a couple of cheating situations and I was not surprised at who stayed. I can also list with almost certainty the women/men who never cheated. Success leaves clues and so does failure. This applies to long term marriages as well.

 

[Live.Laugh.Love]

This is true.

However from having parents and numerous aunts/uncles/older cousins who have been married 40...50 years and counting, I can tell you that the people who stayed were going to stay anyway. I found out about a couple of cheating situations and I was not surprised at who stayed. I can also list with almost certainty the women/men who never cheated. Success leaves clues and so does failure. This applies to long term marriages as well.

Can you explain this more? What traits do you see in the women who stay vs. the women who leave? What traits do you see in men/women who stay married for the long term without infidelity?

Break it down...lol

 

[quirkydimples]

@Fine 4s

I don't know if you've read or seen "Gone Girl," but (minus the murder) that's the type of person I was dealing with. No exaggeration. He lied without hesitation or remorse, so I can't look back and pinpoint one thing. It was a slow and sinister peeling away of close connections to friends, family, and life in general.

He "traveled for work" so there would be a weekend here or there where he was "out of town." He told the other women that he traveled more extensively; that's how he was able to explain not being able to see them on a regular basis. He presented himself as everything they ever wanted otherwise. He would show up at my (and their) job unannounced with a beautiful bouquet of flowers periodically. He said and did all the right things. No arguments. No violence. He was handsome, funny...everyone thought he was great. So anytime something inside tried to speak you, you'd feel crazy...because good men are hard to find and I'm "super lucky" that I've got one.

Part of me was (sadly) a little relieved when I found out the first time because it meant that I wasn't this less than perfect woman married to this perfect man. Anyway...I'm rambling now. Life is good and I'm free. From time to time after I knew (or thought I knew) a voice inside me would say, "You're trapped." I would feel sad, but then shake it off because "I made a commitment," and "marriage is hard," etc. and so on. I was very "The Story of an Hour" when I finally decided to let it all go.

Most of you know this, I'm sure, but don't let your man have full control of your finances. You always need to know what's going on, regardless of how "good he is with money." Won't make that mistake EVER again.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Can you explain this more? What traits do you see in the women who stay vs. the women who leave? What traits do you see in men/women who stay married for the long term without infidelity?

Break it down...lol

@Holla I want to know more as well!! Insightful post!

 

[summertimewine]

This is true.

However from having parents and numerous aunts/uncles/older cousins who have been married 40...50 years and counting, I can tell you that the people who stayed were going to stay anyway. I found out about a couple of cheating situations and I was not surprised at who stayed. I can also list with almost certainty the women/men who never cheated. Success leaves clues and so does failure. This applies to long term marriages as well.

I would agree, I see certain qualities as well.
Women who will accept a cheater tend to:
1. Be very passive aggressive or be very apologetic, the appeasers in all relationships.
2. Have a broken parental relationship with one or both parents
3. Have a small group of friends that are often sharing in the same traits so they will all condone the cheating and give her advise to stay.
4. Lives in seclusion, or has little to no free money of her own.
5. Entered the relationship at an unstable time in her life (transition from college to real world, during college, during job transitions)
6. Has glaring insecurities that she does not actively try and fix
7. Either has no religion or is using religion to help her change everything in her life while not taking any risks or steps of her own.
8. Feels at a dead end in her life, or overwhelmed with work/finances/family
9. Actively thinks a relationship will bring stability to her life
10. Has no hobbies or goals, is living listlessly, just trying to stay afloat.
11. Often refers to her partner as "the best thing that ever happened to her".

 

[barbiesocialite]

I would agree, I see certain qualities as well.
Women who will accept a cheater tend to:
1. Be very passive aggressive or be very apologetic, the appeasers in all relationships.
2. Have a broken parental relationship with one or both parents
3. Have a small group of friends that are often sharing in the same traits so they will all condone the cheating and give her advise to stay.
4. Lives in seclusion, or has little to no free money of her own.
5. Entered the relationship at an unstable time in her life (transition from college to real world, during college, during job transitions)
6. Has glaring insecurities that she does not actively try and fix
7. Either has no religion or is using religion to help her change everything in her life while not taking any risks or steps of her own.
8. Feels at a dead end in her life, or overwhelmed with work/finances/family
9. Actively thinks a relationship will bring stability to her life
10. Has no hobbies or goals, is living listlessly, just trying to stay afloat.
11. Often refers to her partner as "the best thing that ever happened to her".

Wow there us so much of this that is false.

Just wow or

When you know better you do better.

The people that leave usually come from a line of broken families. That's what they know so they break their family up too.

My gram has been married +50 years and she agrees with the poster up thread who said it's ridiculous to leave your husband for something as silly as cheating.

 

[barbiesocialite]

This is true.

However from having parents and numerous aunts/uncles/older cousins who have been married 40...50 years and counting, I can tell you that the people who stayed were going to stay anyway. I found out about a couple of cheating situations and I was not surprised at who stayed. I can also list with almost certainty the women/men who never cheated. Success leaves clues and so does failure. This applies to long term marriages as well.

Yasss I dont care if we break up ffor a decade, you ain't getting no divorce out of me.

We are going to get back together and pretend like it never happened. The end.

This is why I'm not read for marriage because I'm in it to win it. I don't lose. when I'm in it, Ill be in it for the long haul. Divorce is not an option, come hell or high water. Unless it has to do with money, that's my only deal breaker.

 

[summertimewine]

Wow there us so much of this that is false.

Just wow or

When you know better you do better.

The people that leave usually come from a line of broken families. That's what they know so they break their family up too.

My gram has been married +50 years and she agrees with the poster up thread who said it's ridiculous to leave your husband for something as silly as cheating.

From my experiences it's not false.
Women who stay with cheaters have one or more of these qualities.

I think staying in a marriage where cheating is acceptable is a very step-ford wife, 1950's way of thinking.

No one would tell a man to stay with his wife of she were cheating. And I think the same should be said of if a man cheats on his wife. But women are always expected to bend and be the appeasers.

If you're scared of breaking up family then that's an insecurity. Which is what I listed
Families come in many shapes and sizes and do not have to be "traditional" to be successful. In fact I think a healthy family should have trust and respect, which is completely broken when a spouse cheats. So...

 

[barbiesocialite]

From my experiences it's not false.
Women who stay with cheaters have one or more of these qualities.

I think staying in a marriage where cheating is acceptable is a very step-ford wife, 1950's way of thinking.

No one would tell a man to stay with his wife of she were cheating. And I think the same should be said of if a man cheats on his wife. But women are always expected to bend and be the appeasers.

If you're scared of breaking up family then that's an insecurity. Which is what I listed
Families come in many shapes and sizes and do not have to be "traditional" to be successful. In fact I think a healthy family should have trust and respect, which is completely broken when a spouse cheats. So...

Naw dawg it don't work like that.

Not everyone believes in broken families. That's some bs. That's losing. But some people are used to that and used to broken families likes its normal when it's unhealthy and not. This is why it's a risk to befriend or marry people from broken families, they don't get it because they've never lived it. They belive all these Disney fairy tales when it doesn't work like that. But being around solid couples with real familial values that will support you through good time and bad provides different perspective. I've noticed a lot of AAS aren't communal or family centered yet instead very selfish. On rare occasions when I meet a family centered AA I immediatEly click with them and hold onto them because too many of my people are used to fcked up familes and broken marriages which is why they have the highest divorce rate. They seem to like it, I dont. Meh.

At the same time, these couples are always very private. A lot of fplks go fing their gu,s instead of keeping theirmrelatipnship sacred. My family is private (90% married), my friends (90% from 2 parent homes) are private and i was taught to be private. Even if someone's spouse cheated no one would know about it until years later. It's no ones business. You don't cry about it, you kim.

 

[summertimewine]

Naw dawg it don't work like that.

Not everyone believes in broken families. That's some bs. That's losing. But some people are used to that and used to broken families likes its normal when it's unhealthy and not. This is why it's a risk to befriend or marry people from broken families, they don't get it because they've never lived it. They belive all these Disney fairy tales when it doesn't work like that. But being around solid couples with real familial values that will support you through good time and bad provides different perspective. I've noticed a lot of AAS aren't communal or family centered yet instead very selfish. On rare occasions when I meet a family centered AA I immediatEly click with them and hold onto them because too many of my people are used to fcked up familes and broken marriages which is why they have the highest divorce rate. They seem to like it, I dont. Meh.

At the same time, these coles are always very private. My family is private, my friends are private and im private. Even if someone's spouse cheated no one would know about it until years later. It's no ones business. You don't cry about it, you kim.

Thanks for your opinion.
I agree that broken families can create broken homes, absolutely.
And just how a family can have generations and generations of people not going to college, I can see how a broken home in one decade can cascade into many more decades/centuries of a blood line with broken homes.

My parents are still together, 20+ years and I know my father cheated a lot in the beginning of their marriage. My mother tells me marriage is always different. Don't let someone cheat while your single, but if your married then you have to make a decision.

Maybe I'm just to young, and I am not marriage minded what-so-ever, but the thought of cheating in a marriage is so bleh to me.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Thanks for your opinion.
I agree that broken families can create broken homes, absolutely.
And just how a family can have generations and generations of people not going to college, I can see how a broken home in one decade can cascade into many more decades/centuries of a blood line with broken homes.

My parents are still together, 20+ years and I know my father cheated a lot in the beginning of their marriage. My mother tells me marriage is always different. Don't let someone cheat while your single, but if your married then you have to make a decision.

Maybe I'm just to young, and I am not marriage minded what-so-ever, but the thought of cheating in a marriage is so bleh to me.

You are very welcome. Anytime. Happy to help

 

[PrissiSippi]

Wow there us so much of this that is false.

Just wow or

When you know better you do better.

The people that leave usually come from a line of broken families. That's what they know so they break their family up too.

My gram has been married +50 years and she agrees with the poster up thread who said it's ridiculous to leave your husband for something as silly as cheating.

Barbie. I've been waiting for you to elaboarate on this one. I agree with your post; (as mostly always, I love your font) I don't necessarily think infidelity is a dealbreaker.

But as soon as I say something the board goes to reaching and projecting completely left field (My last post went from me just voicing my feelings to random posts that I had a bad childhood and whatever random bs lol) So I just stay quiet.

I personally feel that more people on the board feel the same way but they just refuse to be the unicorn. I think cheating is kind of on a case by case basis. It really depends on the couple's personality and individual needs.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Ooh Barbie. I've been waiting for you to bring on the guns in this one. I agree with your post (as mostly always, I love your font) I don't necessarily think infidelity is a dealbreaker.

But as soon as I say something the board goes to reaching and projecting completely left field (My last post went from me just voicing my feelings to random posts that I had a bad childhood or whatever random bs lol) So I just stay quiet.

I personally feel that more people on the board feel the same way but they just refuse to be the unicorn. I think cheating is kind of on a case by case basis. It really depends on the couple's personality and individual needs.

True people do go off on you. But you know you're kinda dramatic lol

Considering how old school this board is I do think most agree with you. It's on a case by case basis. Better think hard before you just throw in the towel. At the same time I get why the majority are mum. It's one of those things people will hold against you because they see little virtue in family, marriage and being a wife. It's unnecessary shade but it is shade nonetheless that will happen to most black women thatd dare admit they wouldn't leave a man for cheating. I'm just one of the least likely people for some reason to get thrown under the bus for it. Dunno. But Boyfriends are one thing but marriage is another. If you're going to commit you need to be committed. People confuse trustworthiness with commitment. It's not the same thing. Cheating isn't a reason to renig or becomes Judas on your commitment. Also @Farida said it well--most are not serial cheaters. Male or female, most acts of infidelity are an instance of cheating. Serial cheaters are a whole nother story that has no place in this thread.....

 

[PrissiSippi]

Yeah I know. I like to think of it as histronic. I used to stress over it but now....it's me lol. Take it or leave it.

OAN: Yesssss to everything to you just posted especially the bolded.

I just think about some scenarios I see in passing. I have known women that let children, work, friends, or even family members become number one in the relationship instead of their spouse. That's not commitment. That's convenience and selfishness in many cases. Often times the men try to express this lack of communication but have different love languages than us so it's not taken seriously or understood.

So then down the line when the husband cheats because of lack of communication....should you leave? From one instance? two? Or would you try to get to the root of the problem and fix it. I believe the latter takes heart and true dedication. It's a lot easier to leave, but I personally didn't get into a marriage just for feasibility. Now serial cheaters...that's just blatant disrespect....I would have to leave.

But on the other hand, I haven't been in the situation so I guess it's easy to say what I wouldn't do unless I was actually in the situation. *shrugs*. But I don't think if I were in the position I would give up on my man, children's father, love of my life, benefits for some outside puss. It is what it is.

I'd have a hell of a lot of makeup gifts though.

True people do go off on you. But you know you're kinda dramatic lol

Considering how old school this board is I do think most agree with you. It's on a case by case basis. Better think hard before you just throw in the towel. At the same time I get why the majority are mum. It's one of those things people will hold against you because they see little virtue in family, marriage and being a wife. It's unnecessary shade but it is shade nonetheless that will happen to most black women thatd dare admit they wouldn't leave a man for cheating. I'm just one of the least likely people for some reason to get thrown under the bus for it. Dunno. But Boyfriends are one thing but marriage is another. If you're going to commit you need to be committed. People confuse trustworthiness with commitment. It's not the same thing. Cheating isn't a reason to renig or becomes Judas on your commitment. Also @Farida said it well--most are not serial cheaters. Male or female, most acts of infidelity are an instance of cheating. Serial cheaters are a whole nother story that has no place in this thread.....

 

[quirkydimples]

Yasss I dont care if we break up ffor a decade, you ain't getting no divorce out of me.

We are going to get back together and pretend like it never happened. The end.

This is why I'm not read for marriage because I'm in it to win it. I don't lose. when I'm in it, Ill be in it for the long haul. Divorce is not an option, come hell or high water. Unless it has to do with money, that's my only deal breaker.

@barbiesocialite @PrissiSippi

I agree with both of you. I wish my situation had been one that involved one or two slips and no financial dishonesty. If that had been the case, I would most certainly still be married. I was serious about my vows and my family, but multiple women coupled with the bold...

 

[LovelyNaps26]

Granny and dem wasnt worried about STDs so I'd take her advice with a grain of salt. Now, divorce is deeply against my personal and religious values and none of my husband's siblings (he has a large family) have divorced. It's basically a taboo. That said, the actual health risk a cheater's actions would pose to me....naw. even if i was strategic and calculated staying with a cheater would mean never having sex with my spouse. Seems like a miserable existence especially if i was childless and needed to be intimate for the purpose of getting pregnant.

Divorce is embarrassing but trust it doesn't compare to getting an STD from you husband.

 

[Holla]

Can you explain this more? What traits do you see in the women who stay vs. the women who leave? What traits do you see in men/women who stay married for the long term without infidelity?

Break it down...lol

Nope! I ain't got it in me right now to fend off sistas coming for me with every exception to the rule of any personality trait I post. Not gonna do it lol. A sista is tired today.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Granny and dem wasnt worried about STDs so I'd take her advice with a grain of salt. Now, divorce is deeply against my personal and religious values and none of my husband's siblings (he has a large family) have divorced. It's basically a taboo. That said, the actual health risk a cheater's actions would pose to me....naw. even if i was strategic and calculated staying with a cheater would mean never having sex with my spouse. Seems like a miserable existence especially if i was childless and needed to be intimate for the purpose of getting pregnant.

Divorce is embarrassing but trust it doesn't compare to getting an STD from you husband.

What are you talking about. Stds aren't new. Everything happen s for a reason. If you get the clap or hiv, god wanted it/let it happen for a reason. Same with cheating. Maybe folks should take that up with him and pray asking why he hates them so much.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

STDS are not new, of course but I'd say awareness is different, certainly around hiv/aids for older folks. As for the "if you get it, it was meant to be mentality" and the reminder of your post I'll assume you're just kidding. Obviously if a woman is with a known cheater it behooves her to take appropriate health precautions, just the same as if she wants to avoid pregnancy. God is no more responsible for one's decision to sex a known cheater than he is for fulfilling a birth control Rx.

Spouses get all manner of STDS from partners all the time but very few would say AIDS was worth staying married , for example. I'm not even talking about the emotional impact of cheating because that isn't an issue for every woman.

What are you talking about. Stds aren't new. Everything happen s for a reason. If you get the clap or hiv, god wanted it/let it happen for a reason. Same with cheating. Maybe folks should take that up with him and pray asking why he hates them so much.

 

[barbiesocialite]

STDS are not new, of course but I'd say awareness is different, certainly around hiv/aids for older folks. As for the "if you get it, it was meant to be mentality" and the reminder of your post I'll assume you're just kidding. Obviously if a woman is with a known cheater it behooves her to take appropriate health precautions, just the same as if she wants to avoid pregnancy. God is no more responsible for one's decision to sex a known cheater than he is for fulfilling a birth control Rx.

Spouses get all manner of STDS from partners all the time but very few would say AIDS was worth staying married , for example. I'm not even talking about the emotional impact of cheating because that isn't an issue for every woman.

I'm just saying that if you spouse cheats it's for a reason. God wanted it to happen so he let it happen. Maybe it's to teach certain people a lesson or as a text. Many people fail on both ends.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

The cheater wanted it but God had nothing to do with that decision. Dude wanted sex for a reason and obtained it. Not deep. God or any higher power is not on the hook for a spouse's actions. Thats too easy. People make adult decisions both good and unwise. The lesson learned for the spouse is that you married a cheater....pretty straightforward. Now how you respond (stay or leave) will be based on your values and sense that the person may have jeopardized your health (especially true if he had a OOW baby meaning he didn't use protection). I already let my spouse know that I won't be around after cheating. Sure that can change but a man does not need to know that.

I'm just saying that if you spouse cheats it's for a reason. God wanted it to happen so he let it happen. Maybe it's to teach certain people a lesson or as a text. Many people fail on both ends.

 

[barbiesocialite]

The cheater wanted it but God had nothing to do with that decision. Dude wanted sex for a reason and obtained it. Not deep. God or any higher power is not on the hook for a spouse's actions. Thats too easy. People make adult decisions both good and unwise. The lesson learned for the spouse is that you married a cheater....pretty straightforward. Now how you respond (stay or leave) will be based on your values and sense that the person may have jeopardized your health (especially true if he had a OOW baby meaning he didn't use protection). I already let my spouse know that I won't be around after cheating. Sure that can change but a man does not need to know that.

The bolded is the bottom line. What usually happens. Even you just admitted it. And the decision wise women make.

Any woman that would tell their spouse this is a fool.

 

[Farida]

The cheater wanted it but God had nothing to do with that decision. Dude wanted sex for a reason and obtained it. Not deep. God or any higher power is not on the hook for a spouse's actions. Thats too easy. People make adult decisions both good and unwise. The lesson learned for the spouse is that you married a cheater....pretty straightforward. Now how you respond (stay or leave) will be based on your values and sense that the person may have jeopardized your health (especially true if he had a OOW baby meaning he didn't use protection). I already let my spouse know that I won't be around after cheating. Sure that can change but a man does not need to know that.

Heck yeah you never tell a man that. LOL. A large number of men, if there were no consequences would admit they would cheat if they would NEVER get caught (as in absolutely guaranteed by Jesus). So, they need the fear of God (and YOU) to know that there is no coming back. So no use giving them any ideas that they get a pass.

 

[Farida]

The cheater wanted it but God had nothing to do with that decision. Dude wanted sex for a reason and obtained it. Not deep. God or any higher power is not on the hook for a spouse's actions. Thats too easy. People make adult decisions both good and unwise. The lesson learned for the spouse is that you married a cheater....pretty straightforward. Now how you respond (stay or leave) will be based on your values and sense that the person may have jeopardized your health (especially true if he had a OOW baby meaning he didn't use protection). I already let my spouse know that I won't be around after cheating. Sure that can change but a man does not need to know that.

Yes, God may allow things to happen but that does not mean he approves of what happened. I can just see a man trying me with that explanation...I would swiftly show him how God wanted me to murder him.

 

[lux10023]

stds are real..so for everyone and their granny talking about staying in a marriage..you cant really stay in a marriage if your dead from a disease...

you dead..so all that we in this forever not divorcing is cute if your alive and living to raise those kids you birthed...i dont know a married men who doesnt expect sex from his wife without a condom...cmon son...

granny betta be glad she alive to tell someone to stay with a cheater..not in 2015 baby but 50 yrs ago i could see that being an option....

i am so kimora on this one...i would be married again in less than a yr...

quirky dimples glad you told your story and your living to tell it because the level your ex-dh was cheating was so serious and deadly...

Granny and dem wasnt worried about STDs so I'd take her advice with a grain of salt. Now, divorce is deeply against my personal and religious values and none of my husband's siblings (he has a large family) have divorced. It's basically a taboo. That said, the actual health risk a cheater's actions would pose to me....naw. even if i was strategic and calculated staying with a cheater would mean never having sex with my spouse. Seems like a miserable existence especially if i was childless and needed to be intimate for the purpose of getting pregnant.

Divorce is embarrassing but trust it doesn't compare to getting an STD from you husband.

 

[movingforward13]

Side conversation- speaking to a group of men today.... "If my woman cheated, her ass would be at his house..." Men, generally, don't put up with cheating. It emasculates them- they aren't cuckolds. But it seems like women are expected to? Why?
Why are men held to a less standard? Because they have penises?

Side note, the last I checked, the vows included being faithful and forsaking all others. Once the vow is broken, contract is null and void. God gives infidelity as a reason to divorce without repercussions, if we gonna throw the Bible in it.

I guess I will go back to my earlier statement- people continue to cheat because they never faced any consequences. I do agree with the poster that mentioned the one time thing (sorry can't find you to quote you). I do believe some people make mistakes- but those are obvious. People like that are remorseful. They show it and they work as hard as the person they betrayed to fix it.
If you got someone sneaking behind your back or even worse, in your face and they don't care how it makes you feel. They aren't sorry. They keep doing it. They can eventually make the decision to break the family up and leave for their affair partner.

Actually- everyone has decisions to make on how they live their life. My interjection came in because of the bold. But if the cheater doesn't get the lesson in one place, they usually get it in another, like Karma.

 

[Fine 4s]

I know several active/serial cheaters who are married. They live the life! And ain't nobody scared of no big bad Karma.

 

[Mai Tai]

I know several active/serial cheaters who are married. They live the life! And ain't nobody scared of no big bad Karma.

This is the 100% TRUTH...But then again I don't believe in Karma. Bad things happen to good people all the time just like good things happen to bad people all the time. Yes there are cheaters who will go on to live miserable lives with dysfunctional relationships but there are EQUALLY as many cheaters who will go on and be great, cheating ways and all. I think it's easier to believe and more pacifying to tell oneself that a cheater never wins so I get it.

 

[Mortons]

I believe cheaters can live good lives but not without stress. That is stressful! Running around to hide stuff, trying to make sure someone doesnt find out, trying to get your lies together. Damn that is just too much stress to willingly take on.

Yes I was with a cheater for a little bit...but my heart was never into it the same as before I found out. Its probably never going to happen again seeing as I have developed the ability to walk away mid sentence and never think about someone again.

 

[movingforward]

I had bf's that cheated. The very first guy that cheated on me; I stayed with him. But I didn't trust him anymore and I became vindictive.

I'm not proud of what I did to him, because he only cheated the once and never again. But right then and there, I realized that I will never forgive a man that cheats on me.

I'm at a point in my life, that if I think youre cheating on me......then you're cheating.