Have You Stayed With A Cheater?

[barbiesocialite]

Why do you think it's a different ball game once two people are married?
I can make up some reasons but it's never justified. But I'm not married so...
@barbiesocialite

Because the relationship is worth more. Spouses have more invested and a lot more to lose. You can't just "break up.".

I also dont really believe its really cheating if you're not married. Marriage is a commitment, going together is not.

 

[Fine 4s]

@barbiesocialite
I'd agree with you if my view on marriage was different. My fundamental believe is that not all marriages are worth more than other relationships IMHO.
If I had no shared assets, no kids, no pets...and the only difference is the 'commitment'? Nah, that's just not enough...societal pressures aside.

 

[barbiesocialite]

@barbiesocialite
I'd agree with you if my view on marriage was different. My fundamental believe is that not all marriages are worth more than other relationships IMHO.
If I had no shared assets, no kids, no pets...and the only difference is the 'commitment'? Nah, that's just not enough...societal pressures aside.

Well it's not a belief, it's matter of fact.

Theres a cost to infidelity within marriage in the court of law. You can't just break up, you have to file for divorce. And if cheating is a factor it factors into how the divorce can/will happen.

 

[Mai Tai]

@barbiesocialite
I'd agree with you if my view on marriage was different. My fundamental believe is that not all marriages are worth more than other relationships IMHO.
If I had no shared assets, no kids, no pets...and the only difference is the 'commitment'? Nah, that's just not enough...societal pressures aside.

@Fine 4s That's like saying a childless couple that's been married for 25 years and have always maintained separate bank accounts and never owned property do not have a legal reason to divorce. I'm not sure if that came out right but I hope you catch my drift.

As a married couple, you do not have to have kids, assets, etc. to still be considered a family. Your spouse becomes your next of kin which has nothing to do with offspring or assets. My husband and I are now a family and keeping out little unit together is a priority now that we are married; a priority that did not exist before we said "I do."

 

[Fine 4s]

All the people I know who've divorced (one married 3 times) didn't lose a dime and a couple of those divorces were due to cheating (child out of wedlock too).
Do you mean the cost to file? If someone wants out because of cheating I'm assuming the cost would be worth it. Maybe I'm simplifying because it's not part of my reality....luckily.

@Mai Tai I get that. But still I don't see why a quick and dirty divorce can't free you from someone who broke that commitment IF that's what you chose to do. Why does it have to be more complicated than that? Like I mentioned the people that I know who've divorced made it seem so simple to me.

ETA: Yes I catch it. I say that because I've seen a marriage that was so lax but the same person had a solid non-marriage relationship and is now divorcing. From a legal standpoint people would most likely encourage the marriage but from what I saw, that gf was a better match and the proof is the divorce. The non-marriage relationship lasted much longer too.
So for me, just because someone is married, doesn't mean the relationship deserves to be salvaged. I'm not sure I'm explaining my thought well.

I re-read your response and my focus on the no asset, no kids or pets was not about the legal obligation by no means, that would be silly. I meant that in divorce proceedings, when those things exist, it makes the divorce process longer, more expensive and more painful. That's all I meant by that. So if those things don't exist and I'm cheated on AND I want out... It ain't nothing but gathering my papers and sending it. What am I missing?

Perhaps Barbie is right in saying that most married folks wouldn't leave their cheating spouse but wouldn't admit it. Either way, whatever makes someone happy

 

[junipertree]

^^^ For one thing if you are married and something happens to your spouse you are legally entitled to his assets, I think that s what @Mai Tai is saying. Even if they are not shared assets they become yours upon death, if there are no kids.

 

[CaraWalker]

I'm always skeptical about the answers women give to these kind of questions.

In this case I'm wondering how many of the women who say once a cheater always a cheater have cheated themselves?

And for those who have cheated before, are you never to be trusted again?

I've never been cheated on before (to my knowledge), however I think it may be a deal breaker for me because I'm very laid back and I make an effort to be open and receptive to people's feelings. You should be ablr tell me you are unhappy or are feeling temptation before you start ****** up.

i have cheated before, and i would be capable of cheating again. the difference would only be whether or not i would want to. i did it specifically to hurt, so i wasnt trying to be deceitful or have my cake and eat it too. i dont see myself wanting to do that in the future because im making an effort to avoid relationships like that.

i could do it again though. but odds are low.

does that mean a person who NEVER cheated would be less likely to start? idk if i believe that.

 

[Mai Tai]

What's the fact and where can I go review this fact? Perhaps, luckily, all the people I know who've divorced (one married 3 times) didn't lose a dime and a couple of those divorces were due to cheating (child out of wedlock too).
Do you mean to file? If someone wants out because of cheating I'm assuming the cost would be worth it.
Maybe I'm simplifying because it's not part of my reality....luckily.

I think so because the "cost of divorce" is more then a monetary one. There can be emotional cost to filing for divorce. There are feelings of loss, embarrassment and failure. Even if you divorce a cheater, again you are still breaking up a family and losing a support system which is extremely painful if you even still care. You can never again check that "single" box on legal documents and are now labeled as "divorced" which has its own stigma attached.

Those people who made divorce seem simple will NEVER tell you the true story especially if they were cheated on.

 

[Mai Tai]

Just realized I never answered the OP.

I stayed with my ex-fiance even though he cheated throughout our entire relationship. The only word I will use to describe my choices back then is "stupid". I was young, in love, and too embarrassed to leave that fool. Embarrassed to the point that I accepted his proposal even though I knew he wasn't $hit.

Once I relocated after college and began my career is when my "checking out" process started. I was still preparing for our wedding but being in a new city, meeting new people (including my now husband) and living my life as a responsible adult really opened my eyes. The last straw in our relationship was when a woman started calling our apartment, the apartment that I was paying all the bills on because he'd yet to find a job, demanding to speak with him.

She did not know he even had a fiance. Once I broke the news to her and could hear the devastation in her voice, I knew they were fcuking despite him denying it. I gave that fool a 30 day eviction notice, changed the locks once the last of his things were moved. Got asked on an "official" date a week later by my now husband, and here we are.

 

[Fine 4s]

This stigma is part of the reason people feel the way they do about divorce.
Maybe your are right but consider the possibility that maybe you are wrong. For some it's really not that complicated. I wouldn't believe any man or woman who's been divorced repeatedly that somehow it's painful each time. Those type of people probably have a view on marriage that make divorce less devastating.

Agreed on the 'costs'. Remember the thread is about being cheated on and Barbie said that basically it's not as easy to leave when married.
All I'm saying why not?

To your last point about family, to me, the concept of 'family' wouldn't be as strong without a child or a pet lol
Seriously, if I had no other ties other than a piece of paper to someone whom I married and cheated on me.... I would hope that doesn't factor in too much for me when and if I ever have to make that decision.

ETA: If only we could all be so lucky to have a bounce back like that! shiiii sign the divorce papers on my way to the date. LOL j/k

 

[junipertree]

I also think it's interesting to hear people that say they would never stay - especially when they have not gone through it. It's my experience that MOST couples try to work it out at first. They may find they can't do it after a while but rarely do they immediately split unless there were some other issues. This is especially true for married couples but even still true for those in unmarried "committed" situations. In the unmarried situations I think if the couple lives together factors in.

In all situations I think the decision to stay/leave is influenced by how entwined the relationship is - living together, family ties, business ties, and other things that might be impacted by the break up. Rarely is it just about "loving" the person too much to let it go (exception for younger couples).

 

[Mai Tai]

This stigma is part of the reason people feel the way they do about divorce.
Maybe your are right but consider the possibility that maybe you are wrong. For some it's really not that complicated. I wouldn't believe any man or woman who's been divorced repeatedly that somehow it's painful each time. Those type of people probably have a view on marriage that make divorce less devastating.

Agreed on the 'costs'. Remember the thread is about being cheated on and Barbie said that basically it's not as easy to leave when married.
All I'm saying why not?

To your last point about family, to me, the concept of 'family' wouldn't be as strong without a child or a pet lol
Seriously, if I had no other ties other than a piece of paper to someone whom I married and cheated on me.... I would hope that doesn't factor in too much for me when and if I ever have to make that decision.

ETA: If only we could all be so lucky to have a bounce back like that! shiiii sign the divorce papers on my way to the date. LOL j/k

I can definitely respect what you are saying and while our views are different I see where you are coming from.

I guess I view my ties to my husband as more then just a piece of paper. The title "Husband" for me = family, so if he cheated and I initiated a divorce it will truly be a heartbreaking loss for me. To me kids are the product of a unit that has already been established.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I also think it's interesting to hear people that say they would never stay - especially when they have not gone through it. It's my experience that MOST couples try to work it out at first. They may find they can't do it after a while but rarely do they immediately split unless there were some other issues. This is especially true for married couples but even still true for those in unmarried "committed" situations. In the unmarried situations I think if the couple lives together factors in.

In all situations I think the decision to stay/leave is influenced by how entwined the relationship is - living together, family ties, business ties, and other things that might be impacted by the break up. Rarely is it just about "loving" the person too much to let it go (exception for younger couples).

I don't think k you have to be in the situation to know what you'll do.

Most of the those saying they couldn't deal, don't deal. Even if they try to work it out, they are unable to do so with permanenace.

Personally, I wouldn't leave a cheating husband. Infidelity is not a deal breaker to me. I would rather have an effed up marriage and family than a broken one.

 

[junipertree]

^^^This is true but I have heard people say they wouldn't and then when going through the experience have done the complete opposite. This is not always the case but I have seen it happen time and again.

I'm not challenging the folks who say they would never stay (or would stay as in your case)I hope it didn't come off that way. I just know that, depending on their circumstances at the time, people can and do think differently. Peoples ideals change when they get older. That's why I said it's interesting to hear the different perspectives.

 

[movingforward13]

Personally, I wouldn't leave a cheating husband. Infidelity is not a deal breaker to me. I would rather have an effed up marriage and family than a broken one.

Damn, you would be a very strong woman to keep enduring the continued disrespect. When he is sneaking out to see her, or blatantly doing it in your face. Comparing you to her. Or even leaves you for her. More power to you. I couldn't deal with that. The infidelity diet and sleepless night was enough for me to know I couldn't handle a cheating husband. I think I deserved more respect than he was willing to provide.
Plus, I wouldn't want my children to go through the dysfunction. Seeing daddy leave with another woman, no love in the home, mommy crying from the pain.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Damn, you would be a very strong woman to keep enduring the continued disrespect. When he is sneaking out to see her, or blatantly doing it in your face. Comparing you to her. Or even leaves you for her. More power to you. I couldn't deal with that. The infidelity diet and sleepless night was enough for me to know I couldn't handle a cheating husband. I think I deserved more respect than he was willing to provide.

A lot of projection going on in this post.

All I have to say is we are two different women with different values, that likely attract entirely men and have entirely different views on marriage.

People should do what works for them.

 

[movingforward13]

A lot of projection going on in this post.

All I have to say is we are two different women with different values, that likely attract entirely men and have entirely different views on marriage.

People should do what works for them.

No projection at all. But yes- two different view points. I commend you for being a strong woman to handle that. I definitely couldn't- so I divorced his ass.

 

[Farida]

I used to think I could never stay if a man cheated on me but that changed once I got married. I am not 100% sure I would stay, but I cannot say 100% that I would automatically leave.

If I were dating someone, trust me, I would NOT stay. Real life has not even hit your relationship and there is infidelity? No thanks.

There IS a cost (emotional, social, financial, spiritual etc) associated to divorce and so it really depends on the couple and the circumstances that led to the infidelity and of course whether it is something you can truly get over. If you have been married for over 10 years, getting divorced is not just the end of a relationship. It is a redefinition of your family, your life as you know it. If you have children, you have to face the possibility of someone else raising your kids. No ma'am. I may be unhappy in a home with a man who cheated on me and we can be civil to each other especially in front of the kids, I told DH I am not going anywhere! It may mean I remain celibate and don't date but I will get to be in my kids' lives 100% and choose who gets to be in that home with them.

Some people cheat because it's a character flaw. It is 100% a part of who they are. The person does not value commitment, does not respect other people and is plain incapable of being faithful. That is they type of person you leave, even if you are married.

Other people cheat, a one-time thing because they made a poor decision at just the right time. I think it is naive to think you or your husband can never be unfaithful. Anyone can, and it is a matter of keeping your marriage strong and making good choices. You have to be proactive. Of course, choose the right person, who is faithful and has values, then nurture the relationship. Don't go pouring your soul to people of the opposite sex. Don't go out getting drunk with people of the opposite sex. Do not seek fulfillment with someone else at a time when your relationship is struggling - even for innocent things. Affairs like these, it is possible for a marriage to recover. Not always, but it can.

Watch this TED talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_per...as_ever_loved/transcript?language=en#t-662528

"The vast majority of people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy."

You often hear of couples who were doing fine until they lost a child, parent, baby, job and then someone cheats. I don't know if I could get over an affair but I would try it depending on the circumstances. Of course if I cannot forgive him then it's a wrap.

 

[PureSilver]

Never have. Never will.

 

[lux10023]

pretty much..i cant think of one reason to stay with a cheater..not one..even the money is not enough

as we can see from Lisa married to medicine it doesnt end well..she did the im staying and going make this work and counseling...dude hasn't stopped..continues to cheat...the stress and drama and emotional turmoil... all of the imma make it work with my husband..that is the prime example of what i cant or wont do or signed up for.... good luck to those who are about that life...

Damn, you would be a very strong woman to keep enduring the continued disrespect. When he is sneaking out to see her, or blatantly doing it in your face. Comparing you to her. Or even leaves you for her. More power to you. I couldn't deal with that. The infidelity diet and sleepless night was enough for me to know I couldn't handle a cheating husband. I think I deserved more respect than he was willing to provide.
Plus, I wouldn't want my children to go through the dysfunction. Seeing daddy leave with another woman, no love in the home, mommy crying from the pain.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Just realized I never answered the OP.

I stayed with my ex-fiance even though he cheated throughout our entire relationship. The only word I will use to describe my choices back then is "stupid". I was young, in love, and too embarrassed to leave that fool. Embarrassed to the point that I accepted his proposal even though I knew he wasn't $hit.

Once I relocated after college and began my career is when my "checking out" process started. I was still preparing for our wedding but being in a new city, meeting new people (including my now husband) and living my life as a responsible adult really opened my eyes. The last straw in our relationship was when a woman started calling our apartment, the apartment that I was paying all the bills on because he'd yet to find a job, demanding to speak with him.

She did not know he even had a fiance. Once I broke the news to her and could hear the devastation in her voice, I knew they were fcuking despite him denying it. I gave that fool a 30 day eviction notice, changed the locks once the last of his things were moved. Got asked on an "official" date a week later by my now husband, and here we are.

No offense to you at all. I'm just so surprised you actually went through anything like this. I've been reading your posts for years and I would never in a million years think you put up with any of this from a man. But please believe you just got THAT much more real to me because you been through something to talk as intelligently as you do. Now I know you speak from an experience. Thank you for sharing that.

And just so you know, over the years, you your words of wisdom have helped me a lot in some of my own relationship woes of the past.

 

[JerriBlank]

I can definitely respect what you are saying and while our views are different I see where you are coming from.

I guess I view my ties to my husband as more then just a piece of paper. The title "Husband" for me = family, so if he cheated and I initiated a divorce it will truly be a heartbreaking loss for me. To me kids are the product of a unit that has already been established.

Exactly, like a death in the family.

 

[quirkydimples]

Some people cheat because it's a character flaw. It is 100% a part of who they are. The person does not value commitment, does not respect other people and is plain incapable of being faithful. That is they type of person you leave, even if you are married.

This was my situation. When I found out the first time, I stayed because our child was 3 at the time. I also stayed because I believe people make mistakes, which is what he made his behavior seem like. We did couples therapy, individual therapy...the works. Three years later, when someone knocked at my door asking why her fiance was paying my rent with her credit cards, I filed for divorce. When someone is being both physically (with multiple women simultaneously) and financially dishonest (not really working, not paying bills, etc.), I think it's better to break up the family than endure just to say you have an intact family unit.

I was married to a textbook sociopath and am lucky to have gotten out after 10 years without more damage. Despite his massive deception, it was not an easy decision to make. I still thought about our child and considered whether I could just take one for the team...I couldn't.

Update: I took one for the team the first time I found out about his extracurricular activities and it slapped me in the face. When I found out the second time, he admitted it without any emotion (just like he did the first time) and said we could just go to counseling again and have another baby (which we were actively trying to do while he was cheating and pretend working), but, "I can't promise this won't happen again." With.a.straight.face.

 

[Live.Laugh.Love]

My Grandma just said, Cheating aint no reason to leave your husband!!!

I had the screwface, I am normally 100% with my grandma. But that comment had me looking at her sideways, and my grandaddy too. lol.

A lot of folk who have been married 50+ years, you don't know what they have been thru or Put up with...all that glitters aint gold.

 

[Mai Tai]

No offense to you at all. I'm just so surprised you actually went through anything like this. I've been reading your posts for years and I would never in a million years think you put up with any of this from a man. But please believe you just got THAT much more real to me because you been through something to talk as intelligently as you do. Now I know you speak from an experience. Thank you for sharing that.

And just so you know, over the years, you your words of wisdom have helped me a lot in some of my own relationship woes of the past.

Aww thank you so much & no offense taken. Yes ma'am...I too have played to fool and while I'm not ashamed to admit it now, it was a horrible time in my life. I would not encourage any women to stay with a cheating man.

 

[JerriBlank]

This was my situation. When I found out the first time, I stayed because our child was 3 at the time. I also stayed because I believe people make mistakes, which is what he made his behavior seem like. We did couples therapy, individual therapy...the works. Three years later, when someone knocked at my door asking why her fiance was paying my rent with her credit cards, I filed for divorce. When someone is being both physically (with multiple women simultaneously) and financially dishonest (not really working, not paying bills, etc.), I think it's better to break up the family than endure just to say you have an intact family unit.

I was married to a textbook sociopath and am lucky to have gotten out after 10 years without more damage. Despite his massive deception, it was not an easy decision to make. I still thought about our child and considered whether I could just take one for the team...I couldn't.

Update: I took one for the team the first time I found out about his extracurricular activities and it slapped me in the face. When I found out the second time, he admitted it without any emotion (just like he did the first time) and said we could just go to counseling again and have another baby (which we were actively trying to do while he was cheating and pretend working), but, "I can't promise this won't happen again." With.a.straight.face.

Oh my God! I am so sorry honey! I am sure that you are way better off without him. People like that have something broken within them. He sounds like a sociopath. Did he stay with his "fiancee?"

 

[quirkydimples]

Oh my God! I am so sorry honey! I am sure that you are way better off without him. People like that have something broken within them. He sounds like a sociopath. Did he stay with his "fiancee?"

I don't think so, but I don't keep up with what he does. She and I talked for about an hour, so she knew all about him from my end. But, plenty of women stay with cheating men. She wasn't the only one I'm sure. The first time I caught him, he had about 5 going at the same time. You can do that when you're only pretending to work consistently...and when you have no conscience.

I handled my business and only communicate with him when necessary. Before the divorce was final he was always calling our child and taking him places because he was sure he could weasel his way back into our lives. Soon as the divorce was final...nada. He's seen our child twice and called our child once in three months. Further confirmation of his true self. I am so relieved to have gotten away; he's an awful shell of a human being.

 

[movingforward13]

Aww thank you so much & no offense taken. Yes ma'am...I too have played to fool and while I'm not ashamed to admit it now, it was a horrible time in my life. I would not encourage any women to stay with a cheating man.

You. Are. AMAZING....

It is so weird how this is a common story between us all. Different facts, players and circumstances but the same ole song.

 

[TayMac]

I have before although at some point I ended up cheating as well so it was a mess. At first he was so apologetic, nice and really trying but that was short-lived after 1) felt he could get away with it 2)felt I had enough time to get over it. He then became smug about like "things happen, nobody's perfect" and probably cheated again. I was checked out in the midst of all that and we were done.

I DO know people that have stayed with cheaters and at some point their relationship improved throughout the healing process.

Getting cheated on really F--ks up your whole world so it's hard to bounce back from that. If you can, more power to you.

 

[Fine 4s]

@quirkydimples

Five as in the number F.I.V.E, cinco, cinq, fiyav?
See, these are the ones that just can't be redeemed. Ever. There needs to be another word for cheating that implied no mistakes, multiple women at the same time etc.
Looking back, were there signs? Calls, out of the house much, late night at work? That must have been exhausting...