Have You Stayed With A Cheater?

summertimewine

summertimewine

*sips tea*
Have you ever decided to stay with a cheater?

Why?

How did it turn out, were you able to restablish trust?

I've just always wondered about this, as I hear a lot of women say that cheating isn't a big deal if it's just once, and to work past it.

Which makes me
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I stayed in the relationship for awhile, but I could never trust him because I always wondered if he would do it again.
My mistrust of him was right. Fast forward to a few years later when I ran into him at the Credit Union. He had gotten married and showed me a picture of his baby girl they just had. Why was he asking if he could "see" me? :mad: I showed him my ring and told him that I was married. :2inlove: He gave me a blank stare and kept it moving.

I'm so glad that I left him alone.:biggrin:
 
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Yes I did. 10 years ago. I was dumb and in love.... And he kept cheating. With the SAME person. It was 1.5 years of drama until I had enough and let her have him.
Thankfully I did too because he got her pregnant a second time (the first time was how I found out he was cheating) and they had domestic violence, which he got arrested for and she got left to be a single mother. After I left, the drama continued with them- custody cases/ child support. It was ugly. He ended up cheating on her and got the new chick pregnant, ensue more drama. I am so happy I left that situation.

Now I know better- when a man cheats- YOU LEAVE HIM. You do not stay with him. You do not beg him to work things out. You do not fight with the other chick. When a person cheats, they have essentially killed your relationship any way and have turned your association into a toxic environment. It isn't healthy.

When my ex- husband cheated 3 years ago- I did just that. Left him, closed our joint account, kicked him off my car insurance and filed for child support. My initial intention was to shock him to understand the gravity of his choices. Once you remove the perks, some men realize what they are losing. My ex wanted to rug sweep though and I wouldn't let him. The chick he was cheating with didn't care because he was spending our money on her so after 6 months, I filed for divorce. He did not have any remorse and was still seeing his affair partner. There was nothing to save.

I got a lot of my advice from www.survivinginfidelity.com. They were a God-send. Infidelity really messes with your mind, especially the first 3 months while you are still in shock.
 
I think the reason why people don't leave is because they are afraid to be alone and it is painful. That is why I really try to share what I learned about infidelity. If more people would leave their cheaters, we may see a shift. Most cheaters keep cheating because their significant others let them. They don't face any consequences for their actions so they don't think of anyone else but themselves.
 
Movingforward13, you are so right. When they cheat, it can really mess you up. I lost so much weight and men were trying to get with me left and right. But, I only wanted "him." Everybody kept telling me how good I looked. :perplexed: They didn't know that my insides were dying. When I went to bed, for lack of sleep, I couldn't wait to get up. When I got up, due to lack of sleep, I could'n't wait to go to bed. I was a total basket case. I literally plastered a smile on my face to keep from falling apart.:cry:

He was one of the finest firemen that I had ever met, (and he knew it). Had the charm and personality to match. Too bad his character was the opposite.

It took quite a while but through much, much prayer, Bible reading, and sympathetic friends, I got over him.

I will never ever deal with a cheater again. Some women can, but I just can't.

DH knows that if he cheats, our marriage is over.
 
They call it the infidelity diet- that was probably the one good thing that came out of my marriage.... When it was over, my body was looking hot, even though I wasn't mentally ready to move forward. I learned so much from researching about infidelity. It helped me move forward and remove that toxicity from my life. I still have to deal with him because we have a son but I won't be one of those women whom are still going through the drama ten years later.

And- bad choices begets more bad choices. Karma does catch up to folks.
 
They call it the infidelity diet- that was probably the one good thing that came out of my marriage.... When it was over, my body was looking hot, even though I wasn't mentally ready to move forward. I learned so much from researching about infidelity. It helped me move forward and remove that toxicity from my life. I still have to deal with him because we have a son but I won't be one of those women whom are still going through the drama ten years later.

And- bad choices begets more bad choices. Karma does catch up to folks.
 
the ideas of my man having his mouth on another woman's body/body part is way to much for me to even mentally handle let alone forgiveness..forgive who? lol

nope not in this lifetime....cheaters seem like they'll always be cheaters....my face would be so stank everyday..it would be bad lmaoooo :badidea:
 
I know four couples personally that initially stayed. 2 are doing quite well...married for over 30 years and the other 2 have divorced. So maybe it depends on the man, if it really was a "just once" and they weathered the storm or if it was a severe character flaw. From what I've been told by the 2 that stayed, the decision was tough and the years following were tough but they moved past the distrust to see that the husbands behavior was not repeated and he was more committed to his family. If he cheated again, they didn't tell me about it. The 2 that divorced was more like the situations mentioned in this thread already. The husband was a POS to begin with.

I'm cynical, I think most of the time one of the spouses will cheat for a variety of reasons and I think with all that cheating going on the divorce statistics are still lower in comparison. Since it's self reporting statistic who knows what the truth is? I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. It just depends on so many factors.

I love threads like this by the way, it's always interesting to see the "rules" and "standards" that are put forth in the discussion.
 
Only because I didn't have any definitive proof that he did, but the lingering doubt killed the relationship. Only 4 months in, too. I've been cheated on before, but now I am 3,000 miles way from home, and that's what made it hard to leave. One, I can't afford to live on my own and two, I know NOBODY out here.

I stayed only to find out 2 years later, he repeated the same crap with a co-worker. I was officially checked out then. I considered looking for other men, but I am terrified of dating Baltimore men
(except for my DR target).
 
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That diet sounds good right about now, I gained so much happy weight.
While cheating isn't the worse someone can do, I believe a few people can refrain from cheating again. The reason behind the cheating would be important to know. Some people just like the chase, the attention, the challenge and just new P or Dyack....they need the attention and validation from others. With that personality type, I'm sure it would happen again.
But, if my SO were a generally good guy who made a mistake (the flesh is weak), remorseful....IDK, I might forgive. I've cheated on someone during my college days and I knew I never wanted to do that again. That hurt stayed with him for at least a decade. I probably wouldn't be able to trust again and THAT might kill the relationship. I wouldn't automatically leave, but maybe I'd have to in the end, knowing me. Short answer, I don't know what I'd do.

LOL @ the DR target.
 
I did in college. Was young and dumb and determined not to let any one else win. Trust was never re established because he was constantly cheating. It was a weird dynamic of begging me to stay yet he always had a next on deck. I wanted to believe that because I didn't deserve that kind of treatment that he'd change. He never did but I grew up. Years later he's the same. Can't believe I ever dealt with him at all let alone put up with so much because I thought I'd have a future with him.

Keeps me humble.
 
Yes when I was younger and it didn't turn out well. He made me believe that it was just over the internet, didn't go past that, and he would not do it again. I wanted to be forgiving and put everything into making it work. From there, the cycle continued and he would just get sneakier with how he did things. I was always checking his phone logs, text messages, and emails and eventually I always found what I was looking for. It was exhausting. His cheating escalated from the internet sites, to having an office affair, and having a female friend (that was supposedly "like family") that I felt he was a little too close to, and then the final straw of escort sites and Craigslist. The trust was so broken that I stopped having relations with him for over a year because I didn't feel attracted to him in that way or even safe engaging with him. At that point, it didn't matter to him because he was getting his sexual needs met elsewhere anyway.

I was a FOOL x 10 and stayed in that situation way longer than I should have. As soon as I was able to stand on my own financially, I left him and I felt so relieved!!!!! I will NEVER be with a cheater again. It's a deal breaker for me. One time and done. It's not worth it and from what I've seen in my case and others they keep doing it. I didn't honor myself and leave the situation after the second time that I caught him so my self-esteem plummeted. I was very depressed within the relationship. I am an advocate for women having their own. At times I felt stuck in an abusive (due to the constant cheating) situation because I couldn't afford to leave. I was ashamed of being cheated on and would internalize his foolish actions and blame myself. Crazy I know! God brought me out of that situation and I am forever grateful to be living a new life.
 
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I did when I was younger, he was my first love, first everything and it was hard to accept the fact that he wasn't sh!t and never would be. It went on for years smh and I rationalized it because I never really had in your face proof but a women's intuition never lies. I will NEVER do that again, he taught me my biggest life lesson to date.
 
Thanks ladies. I know I would never be able to stay with a cheater as my trust for people is an all or nothing thing, I can't kinda trust someone.

But I've always been curious as to why some women chose to work it out. It seems as though it's a perfect timing kind of thing. Where it would be easier to stay than leave.
 
lux10023 said:
the ideas of my man having his mouth on another woman's body/body part is way to much for me to even mentally handle let alone forgiveness..forgive who? lol

nope not in this lifetime....cheaters seem like they'll always be cheaters....my face would be so stank everyday..it would be bad lmaoooo :badidea:
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ALL OF THIS. My soul would not let me stay. Id wake up in disgust and hatred every single day. My legs would never open agai...for him. You will have become repulsive after doing something like that to me...your wife.
 
Most of these posts just confirm what I already believe. You stay...he will do it again. All that junk about men changing and never cheating again. BULL.

Another thing I never got was when a woman for example finds out her man is cheating. Then gives him an ultimatum. Tries to tell him if he doesnt stop seeing her, she will leave. HOW do you do that...without wondering if 1. they will really stop seeing each other and 2. that he's not still carrying strong feelings for this chick and every time he looks at you, he's wishing he was with her or something. Lawdd, I could not deal with all that ish You violated my trust to be with her....she can have you.

Cus how she got him will likely be how she loses him.
 
I'm always skeptical about the answers women give to these kind of questions.

In this case I'm wondering how many of the women who say once a cheater always a cheater have cheated themselves?

And for those who have cheated before, are you never to be trusted again?

I've never been cheated on before (to my knowledge), however I think it may be a deal breaker for me because I'm very laid back and I make an effort to be open and receptive to people's feelings. You should be ablr tell me you are unhappy or are feeling temptation before you start ****** up.
 
keyawarren said:
In this case I'm wondering how many of the women who say once a cheater always a cheater have cheated themselves?
Click to expand...
I say one a cheater, always a cheater- mainly because those who cheat generally do not have any empathy. Therefore, they will be lacking in remorse, which is an essential component in prevention.
Cheaters are selfish- they are self serving and without remorse, it is very likely to happen again.

That said, I have never cheated. I have always ended the relationship before moving on. I am also the type of person to make sure the door is permanently shut before moving on so I devote all my focus and energy upfront to making it work.
 
I have. With my ex fiance. I was young around 18/19 and it was basically my first real relationship. First (and only) man I've ever lived with. 1 year in I found out he had been cheating with his ex for the first 6 months of our relationship. The only reason I found out was because he was planning to ask me to marry him so he ended things with her. She told me.

I didn't leave because I could not prove my parents right. I would have had to move back home and I was just not ready to go back with egg on my face. I did a big song and dance for him though with packing my things pretending I was going somewhere but ended up accepting his proposal anyway. He spent the next few years proving to me he was dedicated to us and our relationship. I don't know about never rebuilding trust. I just didn't think about it. I was completely checked out. I just went through the motions. He could have been there or not and it wouldn't have mattered to me.

And after years of him trying and I me still being indifferent we ultimately had to break up. I couldn't do it anymore. He may have been faithful for the rest of the time but looking back I should have left when I found out. All that wasted time for nothing.
 
Yes, when I was younger. He was my first real boyfriend, and my first in other ways. He told me he cheated on me with his ex, a girl he often said he hated and would never talk to again and blah blah blah. He only confessed because she claimed to be pregnant and that the child was his. I tried to work it out. But I was repulsed by him. Turns out she lied. She only said she was pregnant because she wanted us to break up. He stayed with her after that. I think he's a cheater because he needs to be wanted. And he goes where the affection is
 
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