Has Anyone Taken a "Break" and It Worked Out?

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
So I met the greatest guy and things were going well between us until Christmas weekend. Over that weekend, I realized that I really had feelings for him and in an attempt to play it off rather than express my feelings, I ended up acting really...wierd.

I got totally nervous and started trying to be "perfect" and things started going wrong. We started having these tense silences and everything felt awkward. This is really not a good thing because we live two states apart and don't get to see each other on a regular basis.

Anyway, he started pulling away after that. His daily calls / texts turned into him not returning mine. If he did respond to my texts, it was hours later and phone calls were just not returned at all. To make matters worse, the following week, he lost his job.

So I started panicking. I knew I had to do damage control from Christmas weekend, but we weren't really talking, and it was driving me up the wall. Thankfully, he answered my call this past Friday and we talked for 2.5 hours. During that conversation, I did let him know that he was important to me and I apologized for acting strangely during his last visit. He said "Thanks".:sad:

I then came out and asked him what he needed from me. He expressed that the job loss made him feel like less of a man and that he didn't really know whether he was "coming or going". I told him I understood, and that I supported him. He then dropped the bomb on me and said that a relationship is not really the best thing for him right now and he needs "time and space" to sort things out.

I have learned from experience to give a man space if he asks for it, so I have not called him since then. I told him to call me when he's ready. My only fear is that this "break" is just a layover to a break up.

So (finally), my question is: Do "breaks" really help? How do you deal with the pain of the "break" in the meantime? I am heartbroken and I miss him terribly. How can I be sure he isn't just trying to let me down easy?
 
How long were you two together before this? Were you two actually a couple (as in, boyfriend/girlfriend) or were you just dating?
 
In truth, you can't be sure. I would let it go as hard as it is. I KNOW it's hard, believe me. If he truly just needs a pause to put his life back on track he'll be back. Process your feelings and move on. You've left the door open for him to come back that's really all you can do. If it's an excuse then you won't have wasted your time holding on and if he's for real then you can pick up where you left off when he contacts you.

I'm in the middle of "processing" right now. A few years ago I would have lingered and hoped. I finally learned to just let it go, no what if's. It get's better.
 
As other posters have said, you can never be sure. But they can definitely work out. My best friend took breaks from her guy about 2 or 3 times. They're married now :)
 
It can work but you two would have to be on the same page in all aspects. It may take some time but if you two are in it together it is def. possible
 
You don't know. I think what my boyfriend (i mean ex) wanted a break, but like I told him I can't promise you I will be here when the break is over.
 
Hmm... usually when I have asked a man for a break what I have really meant was that I wanted out of the relationship for a variety of reasons but I didn't want a tearful scene or screaming match or anything messy. Leaving that spark of hope that we may get back together is often a way of letting the other person down easy.

If it's meant to be, he'll come back. But in the meantime, I think you should view it as a breakup.
 
Also, for your own protection, it needs to be a REAL, CLEAN break. Do not get suckered into the "let's take a break, but in the meantime, let's kind of be friends with benefits" sort of thing. Many men, when they are trying to figure things out, try to have the benefits of a relationship (physical intimacy, someone to talk and vent to, etc), without shouldering the committment. Sometimes they try to have this intentionally, but there are many instances where it's not intentional. But, more often than not, the woman who gets caught up is left with hurt feelings and disappointed expectations.

I'm not saying you should give dude the cold shoulder, especially if you hope that, at some point, you might get back together. But if it starts looking like he wants to keep doing many of the things that you two did as boyfriend and girlfriend, you should nip that in the bud.
 
A break...................I don't believe in breaks. Especially not in a dating relationship. I won't be put on hold. My motto...work it out or keep it moving.
 
Bunny77 said:
How long were you two together before this? Were you two actually a couple (as in, boyfriend/girlfriend) or were you just dating?
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We had been dating for a little over six months. We had "the talk" 5 months in (after crossing the physical threshold), and he told me to my face that he wanted us to be exclusive / monogamous. He introduced me as his girlfriend after that. I have even checked in a few times to see if that was still what he wanted, and he said "yes"
 
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NYLegalNewbie said:
Also, for your own protection, it needs to be a REAL, CLEAN break. Do not get suckered into the "let's take a break, but in the meantime, let's kind of be friends with benefits" sort of thing. Many men, when they are trying to figure things out, try to have the benefits of a relationship (physical intimacy, someone to talk and vent to, etc), without shouldering the committment. Sometimes they try to have this intentionally, but there are many instances where it's not intentional. But, more often than not, the woman who gets caught up is left with hurt feelings and disappointed expectations.

I'm not saying you should give dude the cold shoulder, especially if you hope that, at some point, you might get back together. But if it starts looking like he wants to keep doing many of the things that you two did as boyfriend and girlfriend, you should nip that in the bud.
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Well, he hasn't remotely tried to contact me at all, and I have been working VERY hard to honor my commitment to not bother him during his transition. It just really hurts:nono:.

Besides, I am not a FWB kinda girl (I made him wait 5 months to get physical), and we live two states apart. I really don't think he's that type of man. In fact, he is one of the few GOOD men that are left. I don 't even want to see anyone else in the meantime because I am hoping things will work out. I dunno...
 
LadyPaniolo said:
Hmm... usually when I have asked a man for a break what I have really meant was that I wanted out of the relationship for a variety of reasons but I didn't want a tearful scene or screaming match or anything messy. Leaving that spark of hope that we may get back together is often a way of letting the other person down easy.

If it's meant to be, he'll come back. But in the meantime, I think you should view it as a breakup.
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I am reaching that sad reality. It would have hurt me less if he just would have said "Don't call me again..."

The funny thing is... I am NOT the drama queen kinda girl (I'm too old for that nonsense). We have always been open and honest with each other up until Christmas weekend. That's why I don't understand the sudden HALT in communication. Maybe it just took him 6 months to show his true colors... that was one heck of a charade though
 
Hey TinyBlu :wave:

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. :ohwell:

Honestly, it seems as though from what you've mentioned that this break is probably really all that it is...a BREAK. I would let him have his space and don't be nasty or mean about it either. The ONLY reason why I'm feeling this way is because you mentioned that he JUST lost his job. Women may take it for granted, but for a man losing his job, that's like part of his "manhood" has been taken away. Believe me. It's a HUGE blow to the ego for a man. It's hard on anyone who has lost a job. :nono:

Men unfortunately can't multi-task like women can, and so when a man needs to focus on one thing, he really needs to focus on ONE thing at a time. I think his mind is probably a little distracted from a relationship right now.

I think however if you just respect his wishes, remain calm and cool when/if he tries to call or contact you, then he will eventually want to reconcile. I don't see this as a breakup forever. Don't ask me what gives me that feeling, but I just think that he needs some time to collect his pride, find a new job, and focus on other things right now. I'm not saying that a break was warranted, just that he's probably feeling really stressed or pressured right now.

So, just do NC like he asked and see what happens. If you still don't hear from him after a month, then definitely it's time to "test the waters" with a positive text message, or "how are you doing?" phone call. Don't let him keep you in a state of limbo. :nono:

In the meantime, try to spend time with good friends and family, go out, have fun, keep busy, and if after a month he's still MIA, then I would say you can start seeing what else is out there. I have a feeling though that he will be trying to contact you within a month if not sooner. :grin:
 
Oh, I also meant to add that I have known couples who have taken "breaks" (even ones initiated by the man), and the two are married to this day.

So, sometimes a break is really just that. A BREAK. If a man really loves and cares for you, I don't think he'll be able to take a "break" for too long. So, just think positively, allow yourself to feel sad, mad, or frustrated, but make sure you do things to occupy your time while you two are on "break".

Maybe even initiating some contact in about a month or so (if he has not done so already) will let you know where you stand.
 
Breaks are diffrent to everyone, but in the mean time you could see someone else to take your mind off it as a distraction? backup plan? :)
 
ARGH! I posted something and it got zapped by a bad Internet connection!

Okay, my thoughts... I'm like Comike in that I don't believe in breaks in dating relationships. If you two have only been together for six months, it's very fishy to be suddenly wanting a break. You're still really getting to know each other and then he just wants to be like poof? Oh heck naw...

I would start dating other people right now. And if he "comes back," I wouldn't just let him walk right back in and start over like nothing ever happened. Really, I would probably end the relationship on my own... I don't believe in people lingering too long in dating relationships. If issues like this popped up this early in the relationship, to me, that's a sign that this is not supposed to be... and it's simply best to cut your losses, make a break and move on.
 
I think breaks r B.S. Please continue dating...it may be difficult but don't hold on 2 the idea of reuniting. I've been there done that...and had a broken heart 2 prove it!
 
I never even heard of a "break" between boyfriend/girlfriends until I saw it on the TV show Friends.
 
Proudnapps said:
LoL yes...I was with him since I was 17...we were high school sweethearts...
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Okay. :)

I was worried that you were like, 28 or something.


Alright... without knowing the history of your relationship (and you don't have to share unless you want to), I think you need to decide what direction you want this to go. Although you are young, with five years of dating behind you, it's either time to start looking toward a future together OR deciding to go separate ways. Your boyfriend could be at that point where he feels that he's outgrown the relationship.... that just because you've been together so long, it doesn't mean you need to stay together.

Now he might decide he wants to come back, but does that mean you should proceed like normal? Maybe YOU should decide to chart your own course and not wait for him to decide what he wants to do. Start dating other people. Don't leave your life in limbo. And if you two decide to get back together, it should be after some serious thought and examination as to whether this relationship still works or not. Just because you've been together five years doesn't mean you need to stay together.

As for you, STOP blowing up his phone, e-mail, Facebook, etc. I know you're hurt, but that is just so... extra. And reeks of desperation.

Good luck to you, and don't put your life on hold during this "break."

P.S.: Keep your friend out of this too. A boyfriend contacting a friend to give you a message is also really uh, extra, as well. You two should be the only ones communicating with each other about the relationship.
 
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Proudnapps said:
I'm in the same situation! My boyfriend of five years told me last saturday that he needed a break from the relationship, because he's been unhappy for quite sometime...I was extremely hurt by this and I want to respect his wishes, but I have been blowing up his phone, texting, leaving voice messages etc. since. I also would like to know if "breaks" work. He has contacted my friend via facebook and basically vented to her; she told me that she recommended that he take a break from me as well. I'm confused should I let him have his break or just move on with my life. He is an excellent boyfriend, I just haven't been the best girlfriend (background info). But it is killing me not to contact him...
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"Does a break work" isn't what you should be asking. We as women so badly want to believe the words from a man's mouth and in doing so we over-analyze everything. A "break" however you want to call it implies that he does not want to date you any longer for whatever reason. If the man is unhappy in a relationship with you, let him go on his merry way and you do the same. There is a man out there that will enjoy you for who you are and appreciate your company without the need for "breaks".
 
When a man asks for a "break" it's always best to let him have it and cease contact. Contacting him when he's asked for no contact will only make matters worse and will pull him further away from you. If it's meant to be, the two of you will reconcile. If you do not reconcile, then cut your losses and move on.
 
I know several people who took breaks and it worked out, and some (incl myself) that didn't. I think it all depends on the individuals in question :yep:
 
DH and I broke up for about 2 years before we got married. It was the best thing we could have done. We were young when we first got together. The breakup gave us both a chance to get out and experience life as single people and with other partners--and we both decided that with one another was where we wanted and needed to be. We got engaged about 6 months after we got back together, and were married about a year and half later.
 
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