Has anyone married a man with trust issues?

twilight80

twilight80

Well-Known Member
I have for ten years now and it has just started to get it's wear on me. Naturally I am a quiet person, peace maker and a people pleaser so I blame myself for letting it carry one this far.

I met my husband in 1999 which was my first year of college...actually my first day of college and been with him ever since. I have been about this man from day one and have not flirted, had male friend or even really talk to any male since I've been with him in order to keep peace. Yet he still gets the feeling I want to find someone else. It seems like things have escalated this year to were I find myself looking down when I'm out so he doesn't think I'm looking at someone that maybe in my view. Oh and let it be a shirtless guy and he's like a hawk trying to catch to see if I'm looking. All this comes from things he has seen in other woman and people he had dated before me. I am maturing with my confidence and life over all and just tired of everything being so complicated.

Anyone have any advice on how this can be changed with out having to get divorced? or is this just a lost cause? It's too hard to think about divorce because other than the trust issue he is a great father to our children, we get along very well and the fact that I have been in love with him for so long. I know my mistakes but they are in the past and I can't change any of that now ect. I got involved in the relationship too young and have not had the chance to be myself or on my own, making my own decisions. I changed in order maintain peace.
 
His insecurities are an inside job. There is absolutely nothing You can change that would fill that abyss. Its the gift that keeps giving, and will only grow more intense as you gain confidence, grow up and out..as you must..
 
You husband doesn't have trust issues, he's insecure. There's absolutely nothing you can do about that. The only thing you can do is decide how far you are going to let his insecurities control your life. Living with insecure men can be like living in a prison but worse because you can be stripped of your independence and personality. It can grind you down. I can't tell you whether or not to leave your man, all I can tell you us the day will come when you decide you love yourself more than you love him. Get prepared for it.
 
Go to counseling together. That's the only thing you can do, otherwise it will just get worse. You can't fix it on your own. He's not just going to wake up one day and realize he's being silly.
 
Yeah I just keep thinking every year that he will finally see that I'm here and not going anywhere and he'll lighten up. :perplexed yeah that's not happening.

At first I thought it was insecurity but he is a pretty confident guy. He's afraid of being disrespected or looking silly. Him treating me like good and then finding out I've been doing him wrong.
 
I know what you said in your original post but at the end of it, you made me wonder...so I'll just ask, have you ever cheated in him? Have you ever told him you cheated on someone else?
Nothing to do with HIS issue but like I said you got me wondering.
 
Go to counseling to help you deal with this further. It doesn't seem like trust is the issue its more like he has esteem issues. I say that because its seems like he thinks you are looking for a better model or checking for the next man for no good reason. Hopefully he will be open to counseling too but even if he isn't you should go yourself for more coping skills since you are coming out of that shell you allowed him to create so early on. Good luck.
 
He is insecure. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be so scared of you cheating. Even if you did cheat before, he's being irrational with not wanting you to look at anyone. That's crazy.
 
Fine 4s said:
I know what you said in your original post but at the end of it, you made me wonder...so I'll just ask, have you ever cheated in him? Have you ever told him you cheated on someone else?
Nothing to do with HIS issue but like I said you got me wondering.
Click to expand...

Never, I keep distant from males. So I have not even had so much as a long conversation or friendship with another male since I have been with him. Well other than family of course.
 
Bublin said:
Have you suspected HIM of cheating???
Click to expand...

no, he used to have lots of female friends before I dated him. Once we got married and moved he has not had any female nor male friends. He goes to work and when he is not at work, he's with me and the kids. I don't see how he could or suspect him of cheating. He used to play a lot of mind games and would make it seem like he had plenty of opportunities. That was years ago.
 
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I'm also thinking this is passive-aggressive behaviour....like a form of abuse where you have finally smelled the coffee and are questioning his behaviour. If it doesn't feel 'normal' then it isn't normal.

Your husband must know full well that he has now reduced you to walking with your head down, ensuring you make no friends (classic signs of a victim). Just because you don't have bruises don't mean he isn't hurting you.
 
it was the biggest mistake I ever made. At first it was trust issues, next jealousy issues then communication issues then anger issues then mental issues.

Me: Check please. I'd like to cash out.

lmao
 
I've not married, but dated a man like that. I just broke up with him a few weeks ago. I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm not like you OP. I'm a very outspoken person, so my personality made it worse. I talk to strangers so easily too. That burned him up. I'm a homebody. Knowing that, he always accused me of cheating.

He tried to change everything pretty about me.. He complained about my clothes, then makeup, hair, etc. It burned him up when I wasn't going for that BS. That caused arguments. I suggested that he go to counseling, but he didn't think there was anything wrong with him.

I had to let him go. He is a good guy. He just has issues to deal with.

OP, do whatever it takes to be happy. His kind of personality will ruin your self esteem....and steal your happiness.
 
Bublin said:
I'm also thinking this is passive-aggressive behaviour....like a form of abuse where you have finally smelled the coffee and are questioning his behaviour. If it doesn't feel 'normal' then it isn't normal.

Your husband must know full well that he has now reduced you to walking with your head down, ensuring you make no friends (classic signs of a victim). Just because you don't have bruises don't mean he isn't hurting you.
Click to expand...
ITA Jedi mind tricks can hurt as much as a fist to the jaw. Sometimes more, you can at least flinch when a fist is coming, you never know when the Jedi will start controlling your mind.
 
He doesn't have any friends? I read up thread 'no female or male friends'. That is odd. Do you have friends? Does your circle only consist of him and family?
 
allmundjoi said:
He doesn't have any friends? I read up thread 'no female or male friends'. That is odd. Do you have friends? Does your circle only consist of him and family?
Click to expand...

Pretty much. He's a homebody and doesn't like to hang out. The only time we do is when we have the chance to get out ourselves or do a family outing. He is pretty much dedicated to his family (which is great). Myself however..he says he doesn't mind if I have friends but I'm not too sure about that. My friend circle pretty much are my close friends from high school and they live in different states. I've hung out with them when they come in town which is like once a year. I just moved to this state about a year and a half ago and not the greatest at meeting people anyway because of my quietness.
 
Could it be that you spend most of the time together in a private environment, especially if you are happy together in a homely atmosphere?

What if you are not used to being among people at the moment? If it happens rarely, the little things that can be misunderstood (such as, you looking at someone passing by) have more chances to become a big event, something worth being discussed and noticed.

Imagine the 2 of you for 30 days, 24 hour a day, among people passing by. It changes the perspective.

It can be difficult to choose to go out or see people when you personality tells you not to, or when you are very happy with someone and don't need anything else. But what comes into my mind is that maybe this kind of exercise done together often could solve things.

When he feels uncomfortable, describe him everything that was on your mind when that person was passing by. Give him less chances to misunderstand. Make him see what you see. Not everyone is comfortable among people, no matter how confident they are. Not everyone likes, or enjoys people and strangers around. I don't think there is something normal or abnormal when it comes to this, but communication could really give you 2 a level of intimacy that changes things, I personally believe it's possible.
 
I think dh has minor trust issues, because he feels that he ”outkicked his coverage” with me. :lol: He has expressed his worry that I'll leave him for someone ”better.” I try my best to let him know that i'm happy where I am, both verbally and in actions. I guess that i'm doing something right because he doesn't show any red flags. i'm just thankful that he doesn't have any serious issues with trust or being overly possessive.
 
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