Look....you're 37. I'm assuming he's around the same age. The bottom line is that both of you are too old to be playing these kind of games. If he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with you he would be. He liked the chase and now that he doesn't have to chase you he likes being in control. You have more power and control in this thing than he does. You have the power to be sleeping peacefully at 5am instead of crying. You have the power to live in the here and now rather than reminiscing over something that really never was. Or....you can leave things as they are.
Trust
- Thread starter Prettymetty
- Start date
Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
Girl...Sis...No, just NO! I know you feel bad and I don't want to pile on top of that but I really need you to recognize your part in this.
You have willingly given this man open access to your body and your heart amongst other things without him even whispering the title of "Girlfriend", "Fiance" or Wife" in your direction. Why did you give so much for absolutely nothing in return?
His reaching out to you is rooted in his desire to determine if you are going to continue to lower yourself on his behalf and is not a result of any love or even affection for you. He is pulling the bait and switch on you and as a 37 year old woman who knows better, you're letting him. Stop crying over this ninja. He hasn't done anything to you that you didn't roll out the red carpet for. You don't have trust issues, you have self-esteem, boundary, and "I'm ok with men dogging me out" issues. Have you been to therapy before?
You have willingly given this man open access to your body and your heart amongst other things without him even whispering the title of "Girlfriend", "Fiance" or Wife" in your direction. Why did you give so much for absolutely nothing in return?
His reaching out to you is rooted in his desire to determine if you are going to continue to lower yourself on his behalf and is not a result of any love or even affection for you. He is pulling the bait and switch on you and as a 37 year old woman who knows better, you're letting him. Stop crying over this ninja. He hasn't done anything to you that you didn't roll out the red carpet for. You don't have trust issues, you have self-esteem, boundary, and "I'm ok with men dogging me out" issues. Have you been to therapy before?
Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
Yes, but not for relationships necessarily. I know I need to go soon though. Very soon. Thanks again for the input. Y’all made a whole lot of sense. A whole lot. Especially the girl talking about waking up gasping for air. At times I feel like he’s obsessed. I won’t go into details, but I could see him snapping in the heat of the moment.
Theresamonet
Well-Known Member
Okay... so nothing else matters beyond this. You need to leave him alone.
Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
My friend...are you reading what you are typing out loud? If you are, does it sound healthy, happy, or even functional to you? If not, I suggest that you go back and reread your posts. The bolded is NOT ok. Let him fade to black and stay gone.
free2bme
Well-Known Member
Hi Prettymetty,
I just to let you know that is really easy for us on the sidelines to see what this is all about. Some of these men are so damn sneaky especially a dude you've know for years. Your guard was down. If this was a guy you just met you would have called him out on his behavior from jump.
So don't beat yourself up for not being more astute. You thought he was a genuine friend. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Now you know what he's really about. Maya Angelou once said, when you know better, you do better.
I just to let you know that is really easy for us on the sidelines to see what this is all about. Some of these men are so damn sneaky especially a dude you've know for years. Your guard was down. If this was a guy you just met you would have called him out on his behavior from jump.
So don't beat yourself up for not being more astute. You thought he was a genuine friend. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Now you know what he's really about. Maya Angelou once said, when you know better, you do better.
Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
I’m actually with him now and I’m not ok. I wish things were different. Better
Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
I can’t find how to post the pics, but tears. Real tears. This is unreal. Thanks for letting me vent
Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
Really feeling for you as about 15 years ago, I was also in a subpar relationship. From which I'm still healing till this day. With much prayer + therapy, things are getting better, thankfully.
Am around your age and here's some of my 0.2cents, based on what I've been able to observe from male - female relationships: we can't say one thing and do another. Believe I read somewhere here that you are old fashioned, but you accepted a FWB arrangement. Someone who is old fashioned, is someone who believes in ancient values such as a man respecting a woman's boundaries. Mainly that of not sleeping before marriage. Again, not here to judge what goes on between the sheets. But as women, that's where we lose a lot of power.
Start by reclaiming your power. Talk to him and ask him who you are to him and where he sees this going. Tally it up against what you've always dreamed about, in regards to love, as a little girl. If it doesn't coincide, then move on. We like to tell ourselves lies, about how times have changed and things are different now. It's all a lie. Some men are simply male predators and really don't want to see a woman end up with the fairy tale. Case in point: had Jay-Z not cheated on Beyoncé, she would've really had the fairy tale. With the babies, the career, the looks AND the man. But he messed it up for her. So be vigilant.
When we start getting to this age, we start to get desperate. But it's important to be wise, reclaim your power and focus on YOU. All aspects of your life. Upgrade it. Small little story: been single for 15 years now. About 5 years ago, my pastor tried to set me up with this young man from our church. He's handsome and both of us are around the same age. I was very interested, but the guy wasn't at all. As I mentioned I was still recovering from a previous relationship, which left me with a mental illness. Didn't have much sense of style for my early 30s and so on and so forth, you get the picture.
So what happened is that this guy completely rejected me and went on to get engaged with this beautiful young woman, who is extremely light skinned and comes from a good family. Whereas I come from a broken family background, where both my parents were adulterers and my mother also suffers from a mental illness. Some situations after that were extremely awkward and humiliating, as I sometimes had to take photographs of the both of them at church.
Fast forward to now, with the whole COVID-19 situation, where everyone is really going through it...and here I am just cool as a cucumber. Continuing to take care of my hair and being upbeat on social media + real life. Also was able to move to a bigger place, around March of this year. All of a sudden, this same dude who paid no attention to me whatsoever, is intrigued. He goes:
- "Oh, so you've moved?"
- "Yup."
- "To where exactly?"
- "Just around the corner from where I used to live really."
It's obvious to everyone who knows me, from looking at my pictures, that I'm still living in the same neighborhood. It's intriguing because we live in a city where a) it's not easy to find a place to live + it's very expensive and b) certainly not easy for single people AND a Black woman at that.
Another incident: he ended up giving my number to a female friend of his, who sells insurances. But failed to notify me, that she was going to be calling. So the lady calls me, trying to sell me insurances and I kindly let her know that I hold a MIFID-certificate and have mainly worked in the Insurance Business for the past 3 - 5 years. So I won't be needing her services. A couple of days later at church, again, this same guy was just intrigued like: "Oh, I had no idea you worked in Insurances." I just brushed it off and went on about my merry way.
His fiancée this whole time? Nowhere to be spotted. She's one of those ladies who loves make-up and weaves and we all know how these women are faring during these dire times. Now, do I want him or anything like that? Nope, not one bit. He's already shown his true colors.
But it did make me feel in control and powerful. Which is not easy for us as women. His fiancée has him out here buying a home on credit. Whereas my approach would be: let's start investing and see whether we can buy a home cash. Then continue to invest in real estate and set ourselves up for life. Black men's history is that of slavery and being humiliated, because they constantly have to beg a White man for hand me downs...why would I continue the cycle?! So again: harness your power, reclaim it and know what you bring to the table. Don't be desperate. You never know who this current dude is blocking from walking into your life.
Am around your age and here's some of my 0.2cents, based on what I've been able to observe from male - female relationships: we can't say one thing and do another. Believe I read somewhere here that you are old fashioned, but you accepted a FWB arrangement. Someone who is old fashioned, is someone who believes in ancient values such as a man respecting a woman's boundaries. Mainly that of not sleeping before marriage. Again, not here to judge what goes on between the sheets. But as women, that's where we lose a lot of power.
Start by reclaiming your power. Talk to him and ask him who you are to him and where he sees this going. Tally it up against what you've always dreamed about, in regards to love, as a little girl. If it doesn't coincide, then move on. We like to tell ourselves lies, about how times have changed and things are different now. It's all a lie. Some men are simply male predators and really don't want to see a woman end up with the fairy tale. Case in point: had Jay-Z not cheated on Beyoncé, she would've really had the fairy tale. With the babies, the career, the looks AND the man. But he messed it up for her. So be vigilant.
When we start getting to this age, we start to get desperate. But it's important to be wise, reclaim your power and focus on YOU. All aspects of your life. Upgrade it. Small little story: been single for 15 years now. About 5 years ago, my pastor tried to set me up with this young man from our church. He's handsome and both of us are around the same age. I was very interested, but the guy wasn't at all. As I mentioned I was still recovering from a previous relationship, which left me with a mental illness. Didn't have much sense of style for my early 30s and so on and so forth, you get the picture.
So what happened is that this guy completely rejected me and went on to get engaged with this beautiful young woman, who is extremely light skinned and comes from a good family. Whereas I come from a broken family background, where both my parents were adulterers and my mother also suffers from a mental illness. Some situations after that were extremely awkward and humiliating, as I sometimes had to take photographs of the both of them at church.
Fast forward to now, with the whole COVID-19 situation, where everyone is really going through it...and here I am just cool as a cucumber. Continuing to take care of my hair and being upbeat on social media + real life. Also was able to move to a bigger place, around March of this year. All of a sudden, this same dude who paid no attention to me whatsoever, is intrigued. He goes:
- "Oh, so you've moved?"
- "Yup."
- "To where exactly?"
- "Just around the corner from where I used to live really."
It's obvious to everyone who knows me, from looking at my pictures, that I'm still living in the same neighborhood. It's intriguing because we live in a city where a) it's not easy to find a place to live + it's very expensive and b) certainly not easy for single people AND a Black woman at that.
Another incident: he ended up giving my number to a female friend of his, who sells insurances. But failed to notify me, that she was going to be calling. So the lady calls me, trying to sell me insurances and I kindly let her know that I hold a MIFID-certificate and have mainly worked in the Insurance Business for the past 3 - 5 years. So I won't be needing her services. A couple of days later at church, again, this same guy was just intrigued like: "Oh, I had no idea you worked in Insurances." I just brushed it off and went on about my merry way.
His fiancée this whole time? Nowhere to be spotted. She's one of those ladies who loves make-up and weaves and we all know how these women are faring during these dire times. Now, do I want him or anything like that? Nope, not one bit. He's already shown his true colors.
But it did make me feel in control and powerful. Which is not easy for us as women. His fiancée has him out here buying a home on credit. Whereas my approach would be: let's start investing and see whether we can buy a home cash. Then continue to invest in real estate and set ourselves up for life. Black men's history is that of slavery and being humiliated, because they constantly have to beg a White man for hand me downs...why would I continue the cycle?! So again: harness your power, reclaim it and know what you bring to the table. Don't be desperate. You never know who this current dude is blocking from walking into your life.
Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
This is kinda random, but can someone have access to your text messages and location if y’all share Apple Music? I’m not on his plan, but I’m in his Apple Music family plan
Bette Davis Eyes
The "OG" Product Junkie
Do you feel that at an older age men in therapy wont work?
Bette Davis Eyes
The "OG" Product Junkie
I fell in love with a friend. Hard ,love. I was attracted to him the very moment I saw him. We kept missing our time because either he was in a relationship or I was in one. Then when I thought he was free, he wasnt.
I was happy with the time we spent but knew I deserved more. He was content and is content to continue on as we were. Why wouldn't he? all the benefits none of the commitment. I walked away. Felt terrible but felt proud of myself. Respecting myself enough to know I deserve more than what he was giving.
We all deserve the very best, not tidbits and entanglements.
I was happy with the time we spent but knew I deserved more. He was content and is content to continue on as we were. Why wouldn't he? all the benefits none of the commitment. I walked away. Felt terrible but felt proud of myself. Respecting myself enough to know I deserve more than what he was giving.
We all deserve the very best, not tidbits and entanglements.
kimpaur
Well-Known Member
I’m more so saying that if you expect your man to go to therapy and somehow come out a different person or come out the man you want him to be, that will never work
Therapy is great but it’s not magic
He will still be the same man perhaps with better coping skills or emotional management skills
Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
P
Personally I feel that the older a man gets, the more set in his ways he’ll be. Idk that’s just how I think
faithVA
Well-Known Member
He is not a good man and he is not your friend. The situation you have described is 100% pure Dboy pooh. There is nothing good, old fashioned or worthy of love about a dude who was your supposed friend proposing a sex only situation where he's got exclusive rights to your vagina but his penis is free to roam.
This is not an entanglement it's a set up. If I were you I would get out of this situation ASAP before he starts asking to borrow money.
I'm here with Crackers Phinn. @Prettymetty, You are better than this and worth more than this. Get out of it. He is not worthy of your love. You are worthy of your love.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Imma need you to not use his account for anything anymore. That’s a breadcrumb and you ain’t no dang bird!
Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
P
Personally I feel that the older a man gets, the more set in his ways he’ll be. Idk that’s just how I think
I all but left Apple Music. I know if I leave he’ll have questions... he’ll notice that he can’t see my whereabouts though. I’m not the most tech savvy person but I figured it out. Thank you for responding
classychic1908
Well-Known Member
He may have put a tracker on your phone.
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
I doubt that’s possible with Apple Music but check his name in your contacts. If there’s an option to stop sharing your location then he’s definitely tracking you. You’d remember turning it on if you did it yourself.P
Personally I feel that the older a man gets, the more set in his ways he’ll be. Idk that’s just how I think
I all but left Apple Music. I know if I leave he’ll have questions... he’ll notice that he can’t see my whereabouts though. I’m not the most tech savvy person but I figured it out. Thank you for responding
Theresamonet
Well-Known Member
@Prettymetty What makes you think he’s checking your location through Apple Music? Has he stalked and tracked you before?
I believe that if your phone was added under his Apple ID to access his music account, then he would be able to see the location of your phone. I don’t think it’s possible to read your text messages, though.
This thread certainly took a turn I wasn’t expecting... Stay safe.
I believe that if your phone was added under his Apple ID to access his music account, then he would be able to see the location of your phone. I don’t think it’s possible to read your text messages, though.
This thread certainly took a turn I wasn’t expecting... Stay safe.
Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
He has popped up before or driven by... my house... my job, etc. and he always seems to find out small details that he shouldn’t know. He jokes about stalking me too like it’s funny. Like last night after our dinner date he texted me “You didn’t go straight home.” I stopped to get something to drink. But how tf did he know that. That’s why I updated my phone and removed my location from every app.
Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
Wtf?! That’s scary
awhyley
Well-Known Member
Ditto. I thought that @Lylddlebit was overreacting with her response, but it appears that as usual she is on point. OP take heed, cut this one loose.
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
This makes me really uncomfortable. Are you still unsure about him?
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
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luckiestdestiny
Well-Known Member
Rastafarai
Well-Known Member
OP, I hope you move on, and fast.
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Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
I know how insecure he is about me. I also know what he’s done in the past. No matter how much I make him feel like it’s just him, there’s always some doubt.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
@Prettymetty When are you seeing him again?
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