Has anyone ever struggled with opening up emotionally?

[Syrah]

So I just ended my first and only real relationship thus far yesterday and this was one of the issues.

I'm extremely introverted, an Aquarius, not close to my father or any of my male family members, and my family just isn't very into expressing feelings. So yeah, from the sounds of this thread I have a lot to overcome

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. We are very low key, and drama free. My mother had me young, so I was raised by my grandparents. And my father wasn't in the picture. Me and my mom are very close. She is a military seargant, and most consider her mean, bossy, and unapologetically honest. But underneath all that she is really nice and really cares about the people close to her.

My bf was always complaining that I never said I missed him or I loved him, etc. Couple that with the fact that he was already kinda insecure (he's also a Cancer, very emotional), and it just kinda went downhill. Accusing me of things that weren't true, trying to "test" me to see if I really liked him, etc. all of which would cause me to withdraw even more.

I hate hearing about men who test women. On the flip side, however, men like to know that they are appreciated and that they are valued.

I think the trick is to figure out ways where you can let a man know that you appreciate his efforts, his person, his spirit - in ways that make you feel comfortable. There's a happy medium out there, and someone who is patient enough to recognize and appreciate your efforts.

 

[phynestone]

No, I've never struggled with this. I am quick to tell my family and friends that I love and care about them. I send 'reminders' out every once in a while because you never know what may happen.

I've learned to emotionally detach myself from people and situations that aren't good for me. The past year was filled with so much drama with friends and former friends that I've learned true meaning of having 'peace of mind.' I almost cut myself off from everyone other than family b/c I was tired of people judging me for everything I said or did. The true challenge for me learning how to drop my guard slowly. I am just a giving person and want to help everyone, but now I know that everyone doesn't have my best interest at heart, everyone doesn't want to help me but there are still a few good people in this world.

 

[natural_one]

I used to be this way, because of how I grew up but over the years my family has become much closer and loving so I have been able to express my feelings, but I am dating someone that is emotionally distant. There are times that I doubt that he has any feelings for me, even though I know he does. I talked to him about it and he said that he didnt grow up in a household where they showed emotion or said I love you. I understand all of that, but it still hurts. Ladies that have dealt with this, do you have any advice?

 

[Renewed1]

Yup. But I gotten over it. I just simply decided to be expressive (after the guy express his feelings).

So if he told me that he missed me about twice. I'll tell him first next time.

I just dance to his tune.

 

[EccentricRed]

This thread has my name written all over it.

I've never really been an emotional lady. When I am with my family or my close circle of friends, I'm pretty open, because I trust them. If I am getting to know a man, that's when I struggle. I know it's a defense mechanism. It's also my logical side kicking in. I always feel that before I can show/say how I feel, I need to make sure there is validation in his actions/words. (Nobody wants the "He's Just Not that Into You" moment, where you realize that you like him more than he likes you.) I also don't want to get played. I've been trying to work on it as of late, since I'm single and not really dating at the moment, we will have to wait to see how far I have come...

 

[NaniDiamond]

I was in this situation heavily until I read this book called "Emotional Resilience"...I was in an airport in Dallas and came across it while looking for something to read during my flight.

Aside from the Bible, that's been one of THE MOST helpful books...I am not a self help type chic, but this was seemed to be talking directly to me and gave GREAT techniques to stop myself from putting up or keeping up the bricks in my "wall"...

I'm not 100% cured, but I'm about 90% there I'd say.

 

[chocolat79]

I was in this situation heavily until I read this book called "Emotional Resilience"...I was in an airport in Dallas and came across it while looking for something to read during my flight.

Aside from the Bible, that's been one of THE MOST helpful books...I am not a self help type chic, but this was seemed to be talking directly to me and gave GREAT techniques to stop myself from putting up or keeping up the bricks in my "wall"...

I'm not 100% cured, but I'm about 90% there I'd say.

Off to Borders.....

 

[nychaelasymone]

everyone knows that I do not hug or show any form of emotion (physical included) outside of smiling and crying. I am the person in the group everyone goes to hug and I step back letting them know it's not okay to touch me. I will cut people out of my life with ease. Yes, I've been told I am cold and rigid. I guess years of ridicule and emotional torture will create a cold individual. I have feelings on the inside and dare not share them ore express. Even my husband comments that he hates that I do not share my feelings with him.....no thank you. I don't trust people easily and am naturally a 'loner'....so go figure that I married.

It's torture for me to tell someone I love them....especially my family and my husband. My close co-workers try to get me to open up and will forcibly hug me and they all feel sad that I won't hug them back. Not sure when I built the wall....but it's put up w/ cement laced with barbed wire.

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

My father (who didn't live with us) always told me 'never to trust anybody... people will always stab you in the back.. there's always somebody who will let you down' etc. I don't think it's healthy to tell that to a child. Anyway I could see he was really bitter with the world, so I decided to do the total opposite he advised me to. I used to let people in easily, I trusted people easily, and I opened up real easily.

Well... I guess I had my rose-coloured glasses on. And sadly I found what my dad used to preach had some truth to it. People do let you down, the person you love can hurt you... but that's just life, ey?

I've learnt to balance it out. I don't let everybody in, only those who matter. So it's about choosing who is worth the pain.

That's my 2 cents.

 

[zzirvingj]

BUMP....

How's everyone doing in this department...?

 

[vainღ♥♡jane]

yes when my feelings were still hurt and i was trying to date prematurely. ♥

 

[TamedTresses]

I've struggled with this as well. I don't let people in too easily.

 

[afrochique]

I think my case is somewhat different.
My issue (to this day) has been with my mother. There are lots of times when I have felt let down by her, and I still sometimes blame her for my being closed off to people. She tried to blackmail me several times, threatening to have my dad stop paying my fees, or buying me stuff if I didn't want to do something that she asked me to do. (lie about something). I also felt that she criticized me about every thing that I did or did not do. We were 6 kids, I am the first. If one of the younger ones was last in the bathroom and didn't replace the toilet paper, I was yelled at. I was under so much pressure to perform well at school, and when I was 7 yrs old, I came second in class. She sent me outside until it got dark, with my textbooks. Never will forget that day.
My dad wasn't there a lot due to work, and even though we live on different continents, I feel that he always tries to show me that he cares. He calls, emails, texts, and will often ask how am I doing, my goals, my issues, and anything that is going on in general. My mom really couldn't care less.

 

[BERlin]

Thank you very much for starting this post, zzirvingj
I think my relationships suffer immensely from my inability to be free with my expression. I am pretty much a stranger to my family because no contact lines were built or nurtured during my childhood due to some traumatic events. I often worry that I will never be able to have successful romantic relationships because of childhood events I still feel a victim of.

 

[anon123]

I wonder if the first baby step to try is to let them into our mind. Like, if we're thinking about them, tell them. They may get around us and while we may be bursting inside because we're happy to see them, that doesn't get expressed. At least in my case My dad NEVER told me he missed me, but he can go years without talking to me so go figure.

This is a good idea. I will try this little step this week. I think I suffer from some kind of British stoicism or something , even though I'm American.

My parents were not the lovey dovey type. Not to each other or their children, but they showed us they loved us in other ways. We knew we were loved, but the expression of love was not saying "I love you." Well, it was not saying things so much. But they worked hard to pay for me to go to a private school, buy me things I like, and played with me a lot. So I guess I didn't really have the role model of lovey dovey type love. The funny thing is, now that they are older, they say those things a lot more and it makes me uncomfortable. I think to myself "I know you're older now and feeling your mortality, but it's too late!" But I'm sorry your father is so distant. I have been extremely fortunate to have a father, mother, and stepfather who all care about me.

 

[Imani]

This is a good idea. I will try this little step this week. I think I suffer from some kind of British stoicism or something , even though I'm American.

My parents were not the lovey dovey type. Not to each other or their children, but they showed us they loved us in other ways. We knew we were loved, but the expression of love was not saying "I love you." Well, it was not saying things so much. But they worked hard to pay for me to go to a private school, buy me things I like, and played with me a lot. So I guess I didn't really have the role model of lovey dovey type love. The funny thing is, now that they are older, they say those things a lot more and it makes me uncomfortable. I think to myself "I know you're older now and feeling your mortality, but it's too late!" But I'm sorry your father is so distant. I have been extremely fortunate to have a father, mother, and stepfather who all care about me.

Yeah, this was my situation as well. It was never a case of feeling unloved, it just was never explicitly said.

I really felt uncomfortable when my ex wanted to say "love you" at the end of every phone conversation. His family does that when they hang up the phone. Mine does not.

 

[missware2003]

I struggle with this also ladies. But I don't have the back story of saying my parents were not "LOVIE DOVIE" with me. My mom loves to hug and kiss us and tell us how much she loves us. She texts me all the time and tell me that she loves me and how I am the best daughter EVER......I HEART HER TO PIECES, and my dad is just the same, he calls me everyday to check on me and tells me how much he misses me and how much he can't wait for his "baby girl" to come home.....the same is with my brothers, we text each other on a regular basis and say "I love you", " I'm proud of you", "I miss you" etc.

WITH THAT BEING SAID

I still struggle with opening up emotionally in relationships or even potential relationship. I think it has more to do with the hurt I experienced in the past and how I REFUSE to EVER feel that way again. I have past up ALOT of potential SO's but due to my not opening up.......they faded away. I was semi-ok with that but I know I can not control all situations and I am not about to run behind NO ONE......

I (we all) am a constant work-in-progress. One day SOS will come into my life and I will open up.......hopefully he hasn't already came and left erplexed

****EXCUSE MY TYPOS

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

^^I def am the same its a slow process but if one wants it they can become a bit more open