Has anyone ever struggled with opening up emotionally?
- Thread starter zzirvingj
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I have always struggled with this.
My husband is luckily patient and affectionate. I have to remind myself to say "I love you". It's not that I don't, I'm just not overly emotional. I found when I was dating, men thought this was a turn on or a challenge. I'm the female version of the emotionallly unavailable man
My husband is luckily patient and affectionate. I have to remind myself to say "I love you". It's not that I don't, I'm just not overly emotional. I found when I was dating, men thought this was a turn on or a challenge. I'm the female version of the emotionallly unavailable man
natural2008
Well-Known Member
My fiance use to when we were jsut boyfriend and girlfriend. He grew up in a family that was not affectionate and did not say i love you. I brought this to his attention and he agreed that his family is not affectionate. MY family is well I am and my granny is and ladies fast forward his is super affectionate, he always has to touch me or something and tells me he misses me and loves. He says he jsut cant help it.
8HoursFromHome
New Member
My mother was very emotionally detached when we were growing up. She never told us she loved us. I'm glad I took care of her when she was dying, we really talked about alot of things. I understood why she was that way. We grew very close. Because of that, I made sure I told my son that I loved him everyday - we hugged alot too!
8HoursFromHome
New Member
Ya'll are WONDERFUL!!!
HeChangedMyName
Well-Known Member
I feel you on that. sometimes we don't understand why or how our parents do/did the things they did, but when we talk, and gain understanging its like a lightbulb goes off.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
@ natural2008, my dh has come a long way as well.
It's just that I have emotional needs that must be met. Those needs are as important as the need for sex, safety, shelter, financial well-being, etc. When the other person's emotional needs aren't met it is very unsatisfying and frustrating. Told dh imagine how you'd feel if I denied you sex or only wanted it sparingly? Well that's how it feels to not connect emotionally with someone you love. Like I said he has come a long way but like most of you he has to work hard at it. His desire to improve is one of the reasons I love him so much.
It's just that I have emotional needs that must be met. Those needs are as important as the need for sex, safety, shelter, financial well-being, etc. When the other person's emotional needs aren't met it is very unsatisfying and frustrating. Told dh imagine how you'd feel if I denied you sex or only wanted it sparingly? Well that's how it feels to not connect emotionally with someone you love. Like I said he has come a long way but like most of you he has to work hard at it. His desire to improve is one of the reasons I love him so much.
natural2008
Well-Known Member
Yup a very big deal.
I would say about 5 said that but it still didn't mean anything to me until about 3 years ago..but see the guys I attracted where emotionally unavailable so being open was that much harder. Also, other people would tell me this as well, even friends say I wasn't open enough. 
erplexed Well after 2+ years of therapy I know why I used to attract those type of men, because my dad was like that. I"m seeing therapy and prayer is working though because I'm more open than I used to be but not as open as I could be..but it takes time. Recently I attracted a VERY open guy and it scared me. I mean, he was the OPPOSITE of the men I always was with. It didnt' work out BUT I'll say I did make effort and I saw in myself that I did change.
I was told by someone I was dating that I needed to be more emotionally open. They went on further to state that I needed to do more expressing of myself and saying things like "I miss you" if I missed them.
Now it may seem like a simple thing to do in theory...to just tell a person how you're feeling about them, your relationship/interactions with them, thoughts about them, etc. After all, all you have to do is open your mouth and say it, right...?
But I feel like I can be emotionally detached at times and for that person to have expressed it to me, that I needed to be more open, just validates it. And I'm "open to being more open".I just need to know how to be. I must admit I think the lack of emotional expression (for me) may be traced to some fear and trust issues.
With that said, how can I take steps to be more emotionally open and expressive to people in my life? Anyone else struggle with this?
Its been my struggle ALL my life due to my dad being distant and aloof towards me ALL my life. I would seek therapy and read books on self-love etc. It's a process and takes time but with much work and prayer you will get there.
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CofCGrad1997
New Member
Like many others, I have struggled with this too. My parents are divorced (happened when I was eight), and I think I just learned that love between a man and a woman doesn't last. My daddy wasn't around much when I was a teen, but he worked through his issues, and now both my sister and I have a wonderful relationship with him (it's his wife we can't stand, but that's a whole 'nother post!). I always say now that my daddy and Jesus Christ are the only men I trust (my daddy once told me that).
The advice I have is simple, but it's worked for me. Not long ago, my bff, a guy who lived next door to me and is now a pastor, old me that I have to do what I haven't done to get what I haven't had. Though he said it to me about life in general, I know that it applies to male-female relationships. I haven't had that loving, healthy, lasting relationship, and I truly feel that the only way it will come to me is if I stop repeating the behaviors I did in my unhealthy relationships (not to say that the man didn't play a role in some of those failed relationships -- but I can't control the man's behavior, only my own). I haven't been as open and trusting as I should be in the way that I should be, and I know I need to do that to get the relationship I want.
The advice I have is simple, but it's worked for me. Not long ago, my bff, a guy who lived next door to me and is now a pastor, old me that I have to do what I haven't done to get what I haven't had. Though he said it to me about life in general, I know that it applies to male-female relationships. I haven't had that loving, healthy, lasting relationship, and I truly feel that the only way it will come to me is if I stop repeating the behaviors I did in my unhealthy relationships (not to say that the man didn't play a role in some of those failed relationships -- but I can't control the man's behavior, only my own). I haven't been as open and trusting as I should be in the way that I should be, and I know I need to do that to get the relationship I want.
You don't know how many times I've heard this. I used to think it was funny when my guy friends would say stuff like "you're like dating a dude". It doesn't bother me now, but I also realize, its not 100% a complement either.I have always struggled with this.
My husband is luckily patient and affectionate. I have to remind myself to say "I love you". It's not that I don't, I'm just not overly emotional. I found when I was dating, men thought this was a turn on or a challenge. I'm the female version of the emotionallly unavailable man
I dunno, the older I get the more I value family. I was the youngest of all of my cousins and had a hard time connecting with them because I was the one who came from the "perfect family" (again, ironic that 15 years later, my folks split). Now as an adult, I try to make more of an effort to connect, despite the bs that occurred when I was younger.
You can't pick 'em, but there's something pretty amazing about the dynamic that exists between people where you learn to love, not choose to love. It's like having extended arranged relationships (if that even makes sense).
ScorpioBeauty09
Well-Known Member
I'm the same way. I used to be very open but after getting my feelings hurt one too many times I've become more closed off and only open up emotionally after the other person has first. I'm tired of having hurt feelings or feeling like I let my guard down with the wrong person. What's interesting is since I've been this way, I'm finding who either feel the same way I do or are understanding of that and allow me to open up at my own pace. I'm actually a pretty affectionate person with my family and close friends but when it comes to relationships I don't trust easily.
WorkInProgress88
Well-Known Member
glad to know im not the only one
THIS. Is why I make a concious effort to hug my kids and tell them I love them. You would think it would come easy for a mother but it's just that emotional disconnect I struggle with. I love them deeply more than anything in this world- I am just not able to express it easily, I can't explain. I show love to most people through acts of service, with my children though I have to stop and hug and love. DH is VERY affectionate and is always hugging and kissing the children.
You don't know how many times I've heard this. I used to think it was funny when my guy friends would say stuff like "you're like dating a dude". It doesn't bother me now, but I also realize, its not 100% a complement either.
I used to think it was a compliment or that it gave me a one-up. My dh broke it down and said " you know it's not great to go through life like that". Shocked me into reality.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing. My dh sounds so much like you. He is very service-oriented and would do just about anything for me and my daughters. If I wanted to live on the moon he'd start trying to figure out how to make that happen lol. He is extremely generous and helpful and that comes naturally to him. It is actually kind of funny because while I'm more open and affectionate naturally, he is actually probably nicer than me.
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Always~Wear~Joy
Well-Known Member
yes I have struggled with this and it's the reason my ex broke up with me 
We are friends now and Im making efforts but I don't know if he will want to try again.It's my first relationship so I hope to get better and use it as a learning experience.It hurts really bad tho'
We are friends now and Im making efforts but I don't know if he will want to try again.It's my first relationship so I hope to get better and use it as a learning experience.It hurts really bad tho'So I just ended my first and only real relationship thus far yesterday
and this was one of the issues.
I'm extremely introverted, an Aquarius, not close to my father or any of my male family members, and my family just isn't very into expressing feelings. So yeah, from the sounds of this thread I have a lot to overcome
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. We are very low key, and drama free. My mother had me young, so I was raised by my grandparents. And my father wasn't in the picture. Me and my mom are very close. She is a military seargant, and most consider her mean, bossy, and unapologetically honest. But underneath all that she is really nice and really cares about the people close to her.
My bf was always complaining that I never said I missed him or I loved him, etc. Couple that with the fact that he was already kinda insecure (he's also a Cancer, very emotional), and it just kinda went downhill. Accusing me of things that weren't true, trying to "test" me to see if I really liked him, etc. all of which would cause me to withdraw even more.
and this was one of the issues. I'm extremely introverted, an Aquarius, not close to my father or any of my male family members, and my family just isn't very into expressing feelings. So yeah, from the sounds of this thread I have a lot to overcome
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. We are very low key, and drama free. My mother had me young, so I was raised by my grandparents. And my father wasn't in the picture. Me and my mom are very close. She is a military seargant, and most consider her mean, bossy, and unapologetically honest. But underneath all that she is really nice and really cares about the people close to her.
My bf was always complaining that I never said I missed him or I loved him, etc. Couple that with the fact that he was already kinda insecure (he's also a Cancer, very emotional), and it just kinda went downhill. Accusing me of things that weren't true, trying to "test" me to see if I really liked him, etc. all of which would cause me to withdraw even more.
When i was younger-and bright eyed and naive, lol-I was a lot more likely to tell a guy how I felt. But after getting my feelings thrown under the bus a few times, not so much anymore.
ThePerfectScore
Well-Known Member
Yes, my past relationship conditioned me to be passive aggressive in communicating my needs for fear of being pushy or b!tchy and nagging in the relationship. I was under the impression that I shouldn't have to tell a person more than once my needs in the relationship because they should just take the initiative and just know. But that would leave me utterly frustrated and pissed off all the time with no resolve. I am learning that I can no longer expect the men in my relationships to be mind readers.
The new guy I was TRYING to cultivate a relationship with had this conversation during our first encounter:
What a concept... asking for more attention in a relationship when I'm feeling neglected. I'm still under the impression that I shouldn't have to ask to be a priority
in someone's life.
another exchange between us when I responded to one of his text by saying, "I'm starting to like you more and more." His response, "That caught me off guard." And I asked why... and he said, "U just don't come off as the type to express ur feelings..." I said, "Trying something new."
The new guy I was TRYING to cultivate a relationship with had this conversation during our first encounter:
What a concept... asking for more attention in a relationship when I'm feeling neglected. I'm still under the impression that I shouldn't have to ask to be a priority
in someone's life.
another exchange between us when I responded to one of his text by saying, "I'm starting to like you more and more." His response, "That caught me off guard." And I asked why... and he said, "U just don't come off as the type to express ur feelings..." I said, "Trying something new."
caribeandiva
Human being
OP, I have the same issues. I wasn't always like this. I used to freely express my feelings but I had 2 separate issues one involving friends the other involving family were I was basically taken advantage of. I'm slowly opening up again but I don't trust anyone right now. I don't even trust myself to express my true feelings because to me Expression of true feelings = being used/ hurt. Like I said I'm slowly recovering but it's hard second guessing everything I say to people wondering if it's gonna come back and bite me on the butt or if I hurt their feelings.
metro_qt
Well-Known Member
I wonder if the first baby step to try is to let them into our mind. Like, if we're thinking about them, tell them. They may get around us and while we may be bursting inside because we're happy to see them, that doesn't get expressed. At least in my case
Ok, i'm going to state the baby steps in which I combated this... every new interaction and relationship is a work in progress with me...
I too come from a family where we do not express love at all... well we didn't when i was younger, I just kinda had to know that my parents loved me...they never said it though.
By my early 20's i was Very Aloof. All of my exes at that time told me that... I was pretty cold on the outside, no matter how much i cared or loved them..
How i began changing was to express the love i felt for my friends... So i'd start by telling them i missed them, or i'm happy to have them in my lives, or i love them, etc...
that began spilling into my other relationships too..
i find with guys, it's easier for me to text and write my feelings to them, its a little harder to tell them to their face.. but I can do it...
In my recent relationships, i'm happy to say that my being aloof has never come up...I pretty much let people know how I feel from the get go, starting with text first...i'll at least let them know that I appreciate them.. or i'm happy to hear from them... or anything that would actually put a smile on their face.
The trick is to think about what you'd like to hear from someone...
daydreem2876
carpe diem
Opening up emotionally has been a struggle for me. For me, it was a learned behavior. I was picked on a lot growing up and my flaws were constantly being pointed out to me. I shut down emotionally, just so I could function to get through life. Add that to a few bad relationships and being an Aquarius (being aloof and emotional detachment are very real), detaching myself emotionally and not verbalizing my feelings is second nature for me. I will do anything for those closet to me but to express it emotionally is very foreign territory.
Fortunately, the man I am dating called me on this behavior very early on. He let me know it was definitely OK to tell/ask him for what I need emotionally because he was going to ask/tell me what he needed whether I liked it or not.
Fortunately, the man I am dating called me on this behavior very early on. He let me know it was definitely OK to tell/ask him for what I need emotionally because he was going to ask/tell me what he needed whether I liked it or not.
likeacharm
Well-Known Member
I'm struggling with opening myself up to people as well. This thread has really made me think about what I need to do to change this. I've been told I date like a guy too . I grew up without a lot of expressed affection, although I can't complain...in other ways I had it better than most.
. I grew up without a lot of expressed affection, although I can't complain...in other ways I had it better than most.Similar threads
