Has anyone ever struggled with opening up emotionally?

[zzirvingj]

I was told by someone I was dating that I needed to be more emotionally open. They went on further to state that I needed to do more expressing of myself and saying things like "I miss you" if I missed them.

Now it may seem like a simple thing to do in theory...to just tell a person how you're feeling about them, your relationship/interactions with them, thoughts about them, etc. After all, all you have to do is open your mouth and say it, right...?

But I feel like I can be emotionally detached at times and for that person to have expressed it to me, that I needed to be more open, just validates it. And I'm "open to being more open". I just need to know how to be. I must admit I think the lack of emotional expression (for me) may be traced to some fear and trust issues.

With that said, how can I take steps to be more emotionally open and expressive to people in my life? Anyone else struggle with this?

 

[Lynnerie]

Thanks for starting this thread. I struggle with this too and I feel its my way of protecting myself from getting hurt. If my friend tells me that he miss me I will say it back but I never say it first.

 

[zzirvingj]

Thanks for starting this thread. I struggle with this too and I feel its my way of protecting myself from getting hurt. If my friend tells me that he miss me I will say it back but I never say it first.

^I am the same way

I think I've gotten a tad bit better at opening up over the years but I admit I still have a loooonnng way to go with it. Like some people, I wasn't raised in an environment/family where people expressed their emotions at all really (at least not positive ones erplexed)

I do believe I'm an emotional, caring person, though...my expression of how I feel for someone shows way more in my actions than in my words. I want to be better at verbally communicating my feelings and thoughts.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

About 10 years ago, I had 5 family members pass away in the span of a year. My mother and sister were among them. I gave so much emotionally during that time that I'm not sure I have it in me to really 'feel' again. I am emotionally detached and this is out of self-preservation. I'm terrified of being that hurt again. I know I need to be 'back among the living' again but it's still so hard...

 

[dlewis]

I have aways struggled with this. And still do. With my relationship with my husband he understands, I've come a long way since the beginning. I feel safe with him and that has really helped me.

With my children it's something I'm a little concerned about. I don't want to harm them in anyway. They both are good about coming to me saying "Do you love me Moma, I need a hug Moma". I use to really good about showing the emotions I thought were appropiate towards them but I guess I may have gone overboard, may not have done enough or a mixture of both. Who knows. Thankfully they are old enough, confident and feel safe enough in our relationship that they can come to me and tell me what they need that I may not be providing or providing when they need it. shakes head in frustration

 

[dlewis]

About 10 years ago, I had 5 family members pass away in the span of a year. My mother and sister were among them. I gave so much emotionally during that time that I'm not sure I have it in me to really 'feel' again. I am emotionally detached and this is out of self-preservation. I'm terrified of being that hurt again. I know I need to be 'back among the living' again but it's still so hard...

That sounds devastating.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I was told by someone I was dating that I needed to be more emotionally open. They went on further to state that I needed to do more expressing of myself and saying things like "I miss you" if I missed them.

Now it may seem like a simple thing to do in theory...to just tell a person how you're feeling about them, your relationship/interactions with them, thoughts about them, etc. After all, all you have to do is open your mouth and say it, right...?

But I feel like I can be emotionally detached at times and for that person to have expressed it to me, that I needed to be more open, just validates it. And I'm "open to being more open". I just need to know how to be. I must admit I think the lack of emotional expression (for me) may be traced to some fear and trust issues.

With that said, how can I take steps to be more emotionally open and expressive to people in my life? Anyone else struggle with this?

What was your relationship with your parents like? Especially your father (if he was in the picture)?

I find that a lot of times when women have difficulty expressing their emotions or feelings...especially with men, it's usually due to some past trust/abandonment issues w/their fathers.

ETA: I'm adding myself into this category as well just fyi.

 

[dlewis]

What was your relationship with your parents like? Especially your father (if he was in the picture)?

I find that a lot of times when women have difficulty expressing their emotions or feelings...especially with men, it's usually due to some past trust/abandonment issues w/their fathers.

ETA: I'm adding myself into this category as well just fyi.

ITA!!!

I know that's a issue for me.

I feel so happy in my heart when I see my kids with their father. I wish I had that.

 

[zzirvingj]

What was your relationship with your parents like? Especially your father (if he was in the picture)?

I find that a lot of times when women have difficulty expressing their emotions or feelings...especially with men, it's usually due to some past trust/abandonment issues w/their fathers.

ETA: I'm adding myself into this category as well just fyi.

***Please do not quote this post***

This is a good question. I never talk about this, so this will be a way of me "opening up" today. So here goes:

My father was not around alot. A turning point in our almost non-existant relationship was when I made a phone call to him around the age of 14 or so and he told me to never ever call/contact him again. I don't talk to him to this day. He has tried to reach out to me but due to some other things he has done in the past that I have forgiven him for, I feel like he's not a good person to have in my life because he is not safe to be around.

My mom is an emotionally detached kinda person...has gone so far as to say she's never felt the emotion of "happiness" before. Now I'm not sure if she really and truly believed that, but it had been said. On a sidenote, I was raised in my grandparents home and I hardly remember her being around because she usually kept herself locked in her room-which she does to this day...when I go to visit her I am sure she enjoys my presence but will close herself off in her room and rarely be seen the entire time.

She is also VERY very negative (thinks people are always out to do bad things-ALWAYS). I have to limit the types of conversations I have with her because they can be negative and draining...and most of all, can have a bad impact on my thoughts and views of people. It took me years to realize that some of her thoughts were influencing mine; I even talk to her about it and try to get to read positive books, etc., but she doesn't seem open to changing.

***Let me say that I have a good relationship with my mother; she is a kind-hearted, caring person even with her flaws. I just stated the above to give some insight about the question I posted this thread about. So with that said, I think that perhaps both relationships have contributed to my issues of detachment. I'm still figuring out exactly how; but want to be focused on moving forward.



***Please do not quote this post***

 

[dlewis]

It always amazes me the damage a parent can do to their kids. And not even notice it until it's to late, if they notice at all.

I've seen the difference with women who had/have great father wheather in the home or not and those who had/have not so great fathers or didn't have a father figure at all.

It's really sad. Not putting the blame of women but we have to make better decisions or this curse will continue. Life and death starts with us.

 

[zzirvingj]

About 10 years ago, I had 5 family members pass away in the span of a year. My mother and sister were among them. I gave so much emotionally during that time that I'm not sure I have it in me to really 'feel' again. I am emotionally detached and this is out of self-preservation. I'm terrified of being that hurt again. I know I need to be 'back among the living' again but it's still so hard...

OMG I can't imagine the pain that must have caused; just reading that makes my heart heavy.

Maybe some people will chime in with experiences and advice that can move both of us in the right direction

 

[-PYT]

Thanks for sharing that, zz. I feel the same. Never too quick to open up emotionally, let the guy profess his feelings before I remotely share that i feel the same...I want to get better, but I still feel that I am better at doing such emotional releases via text/email rather than in person my boyfriend is away in the navy, but I feel like this time apart will allow me to tell him how I feel even more since e-mail and letters are so vital during this time.

 

[Dee_33]

I had a problem with opening up emotionally until I was 15. After I had my son I decided to always express how I'm feeling. Most of the people I know love that I express my true feelings. Some people get upset but they appreciate that I'm open and upfront. I'm never mean or rude though. My son is the exact same way and I'm glad that he doesn't hold his feelings inside. When I was younger I was so afraid of being hurt that I wouldn't open myself up to even developing feelings for someone, but giving birth made me realize that life's too short to hold stuff inside out of fear. Most people only feel that way after someone dies, but the birth of my son changed me for the better. Whewww, I think this is my longest post to-date, LOL.

 

[dlewis]

I had a problem with opening up emotionally until I was 15. After I had my son I decided to always express how I'm feeling. Most of the people I know love that I express my true feelings. Some people get upset but they appreciate that I'm open and upfront. I'm never mean or rude though. My son is the exact same way and I'm glad that he doesn't hold his feelings inside. When I was younger I was so afraid of being hurt that I wouldn't open myself up to even developing feelings for someone, but giving birth made me realize that life's too short to hold stuff inside out of fear. Most people only feel that way after someone dies, but the birth of my son changed me for the better. Whewww, I think this is my longest post to-date, LOL.

Great post.

 

[Dee_33]

It always amazes me the damage a parent can do to their kids. And not even notice it until it's to late, if they notice at all.

I've seen the difference with women who had/have great father wheather in the home or not and those who had/have not so great fathers or didn't have a father figure at all.

It's really sad. Not putting the blame of women but we have to make better decisions or this curse will continue. Life and death starts with us.

This is sooooo true. A friend once said that by paying for my son's education I was spoiling him and he wouldn't be prepared for the world. Well this same now ex-friend has 3 adult kids and 5 grandkids who all live at home with her. I told her that she was wrong and should be concerned about her home life.

 

[mscocoface]

I have had to literally make a note and keep it in front of me daily to do these things.

Say something positive to my DS today
Tell my DH that I love him
Smile at my family more often (tend to scowel or frown when deep in thought)
Greet hubby at the door at least 2-3 times each week when he gets home from work.
Pray with at least one or two people this week.
Take my mentor from church to lunch at Coco's.

Your list may be different like:
Call a friend and tell her that you are thinking of her this week
Contact your sibling or family member and just check in.
Send a thank you email to someone.

You have to get into the habit of doing it. For me it required making notes that I would see or putting it in my computer calendar to be reminded until it became more of a habit.

Wishing and praying you all have success in this area because when you do get into the hang of it life is soo much more sweeter.

 

[dlewis]

That's awful. I'm hoping what I don't notice they'll point out. And believe me, they point out EVERYTHING.

 

[dlewis]

I do believe the first correct step, you've already done, you know this is a problem and you're trying to correct it.

 

[Kiadodie]

What was your relationship with your parents like? Especially your father (if he was in the picture)?

I find that a lot of times when women have difficulty expressing their emotions or feelings...especially with men, it's usually due to some past trust/abandonment issues w/their fathers.

ETA: I'm adding myself into this category as well just fyi.

Yeah, that's my issue. I'm better but I have a LONG way to go. Every ex says I was aloof and distant when inside I didnt' feel that way at all.

 

[zzirvingj]

Yeah, that's my issue. I'm better but I have a LONG way to go. Every ex says I was aloof and distant when inside I didnt' feel that way at all.

Was this the reason why you broke up?

ETA: I just noticed you said "every" ex...not your last ex. That's a pretty big deal, right? What are you doing to try to get better at this?

When the person I was dating sent the text about not being emotionally expressive enough, that was an immediate red flag to me. Even though he said "It was fine...and to just state how I was feeling" I know it's not fine and it must be fixed. I don't want to make others feel like I don't care. And no matter how much I DO to SHOW I care, if I can't say those things to the people that need to hear it, I won't be able to gain depth and grow relationships to the point I want them to be.

 

[-PYT]

When the person I was dating sent the text about not being emotionally expressive enough, that was an immediate red flag to me. Even though he said "It was fine...and to just state how I was feeling" I know it's not fine and it must be fixed. I don't want to make others feel like I don't care. And no matter how much I DO to SHOW I care, if I can't say those things to the people that need to hear it, I won't be able to gain depth and grow relationships to the point I want them to be.

I wonder if the first baby step to try is to let them into our mind. Like, if we're thinking about them, tell them. They may get around us and while we may be bursting inside because we're happy to see them, that doesn't get expressed. At least in my case My dad NEVER told me he missed me, but he can go years without talking to me so go figure.

 

[Curlybeauty]

About 10 years ago, I had 5 family members pass away in the span of a year. My mother and sister were among them. I gave so much emotionally during that time that I'm not sure I have it in me to really 'feel' again. I am emotionally detached and this is out of self-preservation. I'm terrified of being that hurt again. I know I need to be 'back among the living' again but it's still so hard...

I.CANT.IMAGINE.HOW.HARD.THIS.MUST.HAVE.BEEN!
I don't want this to be a pity party, but I would be completely devastated by this. I don't blame you for being detached. But I will say, if my mom passed....I would probably have nothing left to give emotionally.

That sounds devastating.

I can't even begin to imagine. Something similar happened to my family except it was in a 3 month time span. They weren't immediate family members, so the effect wasn't the same.

I find that a lot of times when women have difficulty expressing their emotions or feelings...especially with men, it's usually due to some past trust/abandonment issues w/their fathers.

ETA: I'm adding myself into this category as well just fyi.

The more and more I have issues similar to the OP and other people, I'm starting to honestly believe it is because of my father.

 

[zzirvingj]

I have had to literally make a note and keep it in front of me daily to do these things.

Say something positive to my DS today
Tell my DH that I love him
Smile at my family more often (tend to scowel or frown when deep in thought)
Greet hubby at the door at least 2-3 times each week when he gets home from work.
Pray with at least one or two people this week.
Take my mentor from church to lunch at Coco's.

Your list may be different like:
Call a friend and tell her that you are thinking of her this week
Contact your sibling or family member and just check in.
Send a thank you email to someone.

You have to get into the habit of doing it. For me it required making notes that I would see or putting it in my computer calendar to be reminded until it became more of a habit.

Wishing and praying you all have success in this area because when you do get into the hang of it life is soo much more sweeter.

Thanks so much for this post mscocoface! These are great suggestions and I just called a friend of mine to tell her I was thinking of her

What made you get into the habit of doing these things in the first place? Or have you always been good at doing it but just needed to remind yourself to be consistent at it?

 

[hopeful]

I tend to be very open about my feelings. So is my youngest dd. My older dd and my dh are less emotionally open. I had a rough childhood, awful father etc., so idk. Dh had a more secure childhood but he's has the cooler personality. My point is sometimes we're the way we are because of problematic chilhoods, sometimes it's just our nature and the way we are born. As an emotionally open person I will encourage you to keep trying to be more expressive and open about your feelings. It is wonderful to be in touch with your feelings and to share them with those who care, very freeing.

 

[HeChangedMyName]

Yes, I struggle with it daily. The only people I feel comfortabl with expressing my emotions with are my kids. They love me unconditionally. I think that's the key. I personally have trust issues and if I don't feel that I am loved unconditionally, I can't be fully engaged. I am also an Aquarius and we tend to be aloof anyway.

I have aways struggled with this. And still do. With my relationship with my husband he understands, I've come a long way since the beginning. I feel safe with him and that has really helped me.

With my children it's something I'm a little concerned about. I don't want to harm them in anyway. They both are good about coming to me saying "Do you love me Moma, I need a hug Moma". I use to really good about showing the emotions I thought were appropiate towards them but I guess I may have gone overboard, may not have done enough or a mixture of both. Who knows. Thankfully they are old enough, confident and feel safe enough in our relationship that they can come to me and tell me what they need that I may not be providing or providing when they need it. shakes head in frustration

Yes! feeling safe enough to be emotionally raw without being shunned or taken advantage of or whatever fears are attached to it.

About 10 years ago, I had 5 family members pass away in the span of a year. My mother and sister were among them. I gave so much emotionally during that time that I'm not sure I have it in me to really 'feel' again. I am emotionally detached and this is out of self-preservation. I'm terrified of being that hurt again. I know I need to be 'back among the living' again but it's still so hard...

I know that feeling, in 2003 when my mother died, I went through so much writhing pain emotionally that for th longest time i couldn't even fathom being emotional within a relationship.

What was your relationship with your parents like? Especially your father (if he was in the picture)?

I find that a lot of times when women have difficulty expressing their emotions or feelings...especially with men, it's usually due to some past trust/abandonment issues w/their fathers.

ETA: I'm adding myself into this category as well just fyi.

wow, yep! I got daddy issues too. My father wasn't in my life full time. Although he acknowledged me and who I was, he had another family and I was never a part of it until adulthood. When he passed in 2006 I had mixed emotions because he and I had only started to be father and daughter in 2003 when my mom passed. then there went any emotional progress I had made up to that point.

It always amazes me the damage a parent can do to their kids. And not even notice it until it's to late, if they notice at all.

I've seen the difference with women who had/have great father wheather in the home or not and those who had/have not so great fathers or didn't have a father figure at all.

It's really sad. Not putting the blame of women but we have to make better decisions or this curse will continue. Life and death starts with us.

Ain't that the truth! and yes. I personally have accepted that it is my choices of partners and situations that will impact the lives of my children. I try to give them the best emotional support that I can.

Yeah, that's my issue. I'm better but I have a LONG way to go. Every ex says I was aloof and distant when inside I didnt' feel that way at all.

girlllllllll, mine too. And what makes me mad is that they wait until its over to speak up. Im always like, well, dang, I didn't know i was being that way so how could you expect me to fix it?

 

[zzirvingj]

^Oh yeah...I'm an Aquarius too

 

[HeChangedMyName]

^Oh yeah...I'm an Aquarius too

THAT alone explains 85% of it. lol

We tend to be reall down to the nitty gritty. all the extra fluffaliciousness is not necessary. If we tell you we love you, then we tend to expect you to believe it(cuz trust me, an Aquarius is not the type to lie about something just to spare your feelings) . We generally don't tend to get all sappy and miss folks unless its been a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeallllll long time since we've seen them. Oh yeah, and because we don't get all extra caught up in the emotional game, we tend to seem tough as nails and I personally think this intimidates people. When they can't emotionally hurt you anymore they can't deal with that.

****when I say we, I mean ME**** lol unless it applies

I have had guys be mad because I didn't call for 24 hours. I'm like, I got a life outside of you booo, don't hate. participate. lol

 

[Syrah]

I'm terrible about opening up emotionally. I think the problem is two fold - one, I'm an only child so there's a certain part of me that is emotionally independent - which doesn't always work so well in relationships. I don't not rely on other people emotionally intentionally - I do it because as an only child I learned to self-sooth. Don't get me wrong - my parents were and are loving people...just the love that I saw between the two of them was confusing to say the least (explained below).

Moreso, I think I suck at opening up because my family unit SLOWLY fell apart. I grew up hearing my parents tell each other they love each other constantly, only to end up apart. I remember the first time my long-term adult boyfriend told me he loved me, I asked him "what does that mean to you?" which I think hurt him. He thought I didn't believe him or was questioning his love - I just wanted to know what it meant to him to love someone. I guess thats why I'm one of those who firmly believes that love is something you feel. Saying it doesn't mean much to me - which I know is not the right attitude to have because for a lot of men, telling a girl "I love you" is a BIG step to take.

My parents are divorced; divorced after 24 years of marriage. I grew up in a TIGHT family unit that slowly dissolved and even though my parents think I'm over it, 7 years later, around the holidays, I typically disappear. And in my extended family (my mom is one of 8, my dad being one of 7), there are NO functional married couples. Divorces or dysfunctional relationships throughout. Even through divorce, I think my parents, as partners in raising me, are the most functional of the bunch, which is saying a lot. And I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I've convinced myself that its in my blood - dysfunctional relationships. So rather than speak my feelings (or trepidations) I say nothing, which I know is frustrating for people that I'm dating... I just don't know what to do about it.

Which all explains why the notion of "marriage" is beautiful and frightening all at the same time. Based on my family history, who's to say that I know anything about doing it right? I know a LOT about what not to do. erplexed I am the girl that is so logical about love and marriage, that sometimes I think maybe I take all the butterflies out of it. And sometimes the thought of bringing children into this world where there is a possibility of divorce looms terrifies me, especially when at times I doubt my ability to control or avoid it.

 

[Ms Red]

You are not alone. Although I am emotionally open, I recently went through a break-up which has closed me off some. But I won't allow it to change me.

While you are "open to the idea of opening up" have you considered a third party, objective opinion (counseling)? With the right person listening, it may be healthy in the process of self-improvement.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

I don't know why I came into this thread. I knew what it would do to me. I just keep reading and reading... (I'm fully crying now) Maybe it's the kinship, it's comforting to know that (you) my sisters share my pain. I've purposely isolated myself because the pain was unbearable. It's been 10 years since I've spoken to much of my family. I'm ready to reconnect now. (I just spoke to my sister this morning and wished her a happy birthday)

Thank you all for sharing...