Guys acting like they're single until they get engaged

[SincerelyJane]

Anybody else see this a lot? I used to hang out a lot with my guy friends on a regular basis and I feel like maybe half of those who proposed or got married in the last 2 yrs, were acting like single men all the up until they proposed. Not just cheating, but actually courting other woman. Some continued acting up after.

What is that about? Now I see it as normal, but I used to find it very bizarre. Because no one is forcing these guys to get married. Its also odd because often they act like they don't even like the women they are getting married too! And I know people complain about their spouses often, but these men are also cheating regularly.

I just found out a friend recently proposed to a girl he's been dating this past week, and while I know the fiance and like her, I can't help but feel bad for my friend who is going to be very upset when she hears this because he's been stringing her along for months. Maybe it will stop now that he's engaged, but I don't know. He's already showed his character, right?

Why do guys do this? From my observations, a lot of these guys seem to cite a lot of social pressure to get married because they had dated these women since college. But they also don't seem to look forward to marriage at all. I just feel like I'm a little bit young for these jaded views toward marriage, but I can't help but have them. I am one of those people who always ends up knowing a lot personal info about a lot of people, and I think my nosiness is coming back to bite me in the butt.

 

[Kurlee]

societal shift. Many men are being socialized in a very misogynist and narrow way.

 

[sounbeweavable]

You're hanging around the wrong kinds of guys.

 

[carcajada]

It's just how some people are. I know that many posters will claim no one in their lives are like that, but statistically what you are seeing is common. Some posters on here feel that way as well (that people aren't really committed until marriage/engagement).

 

[SincerelyJane]

You're hanging around the wrong kinds of guys.

I don't even know what to say to that. These are men that I just knew from my classes in college and grad school. I'm a pretty sociable person and I just talk to a lot of people. I agree their character in this area leaves much to be desired. Not all of my guy friends like this of course, but I've seen often enough to where I'm not even surprised anymore.

 

[MACGlossChick]

This just happened to me. Since last summer, this guy has been texting me just about every month saying that he wants to "see" me. I told him to take me on a proper date but he never made any plans so I took that to mean that he wanted just sex, and I just brushed him off every time. In March, he texts me again, and I told him that if all he had to offer me was a hard peen he could take it elsewhere.

So later that month, he posts all these pics on Facebook from his trip to Jamaica. I'm looking through, and he's the only person in most of the pics, but you can tell someone else took the pics. There's pics of his meals, and you can see he's sitting across from someone, but he never shows who he's with.

Lo and behold, in April he's engaged. On her fb, she states that she lives in Florida. This ninja told me that he doesn't like long distance relationships. Because 30- 45 minute drive from his house to mine is long distance, right?!

Anyway, not too long after the engagement announcement, he feels the need to post a PSA on his fb about the many women texting, messaging, emailing, and calling him, saying that it's disrespectful to his fiancee and their relationship... Pure comedy!

If he was texting me for sex in March, he was probably texting all those women in March for sex too. And they're probably just as confused about how a man could be asking them for sex (and probably getting it) one month, and then be engaged the next. If he respected his own relationship, he wouldn't have to worry about those other women. I feel sorry for his fiancée, because she replied to the PSA backing her man up, but if she only knew.

The only reason I haven't blocked him is because I wanna see if one of those other women blows his spot. I hope they've kept their receipts, because I have.

 

[PeaceFlow]

When it comes to hardcore cheaters its not as if engagement is going to stop them. Some guys have the desire for a family, but that doesn't mean they don't want new meat also lol.

No I don't see it a lot. None of the guys I've been friends with have this attitude. I've heard stories about other guys though and am some men are up to all sorts.

 

[sounbeweavable]

I don't even know what to say to that. These are men that I just knew from my classes in college and grad school. I'm a pretty sociable person and I just talk to a lot of people. I agree their character in this area leaves much to be desired. Not all of my guy friends like this of course, but I've seen often enough to where I'm not even surprised anymore.

I'm sorry. I didn't intend for that to sound harsh. I just meant that if dishonorable behavior like that is the norm in your social circle, you need to change social circles. They aren't exactly ubiquitous, but there are plenty of good guys out there who honor the women they're in relationships with by being committed before a ring is involved.

 

[kaykari]

I'm sorry. I didn't intend for that to sound harsh. I just meant that if dishonorable behavior like that is the norm in your social circle, you need to change social circles. They aren't exactly ubiquitous, but there are plenty of good guys out there who honor the women they're in relationships with by being committed before a ring is involved.

I agree. The men in my social circle dont behave like that. Most of them are good guys...as one of their female friends...they tell me a lot.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

They do it because they're jerks and they presume they will get away with it with no consequences. Sometimes I do think it's upbringing, based on serial married cheaters I know who are from a family of cheaters.

I've heard of similar stories from two different friends of friends. One guy got married and didn't tell his "girlfriend". My friend helped her search his house and they found a receipt for diamond earrings that he never gave to the "girlfriend". She only found out about the wedding through mutual friends from high school. He didn't tell her and was still trying to date her after the wedding.

My BFF told me about a friend who was dating a guy who recently sent her a photo by text of him in a tuxedo. She replied to the text saying he looked great and asked what was the occasion. It was his wedding day and that's how he confessed it. All his business trips out of town were really wedding planning trips for the destination wedding in another state.

 

[MizAvalon]

My BFF told me about a friend who was dating a guy who recently sent her a photo by text of him in a tuxedo. She replied to the text saying he looked great and asked what was the occasion. It was his wedding day and that's how he confessed it. All his business trips out of town were really wedding planning trips for the destination wedding in another state.

Wow, that was cold!

 

[TamedTresses]

This just happened to me. Since last summer, this guy has been texting me just about every month saying that he wants to "see" me. I told him to take me on a proper date but he never made any plans so I took that to mean that he wanted just sex, and I just brushed him off every time. In March, he texts me again, and I told him that if all he had to offer me was a hard peen he could take it elsewhere.

So later that month, he posts all these pics on Facebook from his trip to Jamaica. I'm looking through, and he's the only person in most of the pics, but you can tell someone else took the pics. There's pics of his meals, and you can see he's sitting across from someone, but he never shows who he's with.

Lo and behold, in April he's engaged. On her fb, she states that she lives in Florida. This ninja told me that he doesn't like long distance relationships. Because 30- 45 minute drive from his house to mine is long distance, right?!

Anyway, not too long after the engagement announcement, he feels the need to post a PSA on his fb about the many women texting, messaging, emailing, and calling him, saying that it's disrespectful to his fiancee and their relationship... Pure comedy!

If he was texting me for sex in March, he was probably texting all those women in March for sex too. And they're probably just as confused about how a man could be asking them for sex (and probably getting it) one month, and then be engaged the next. If he respected his own relationship, he wouldn't have to worry about those other women. I feel sorry for his fiancée, because she replied to the PSA backing her man up, but if she only knew.

The only reason I haven't blocked him is because I wanna see if one of those other women blows his spot. I hope they've kept their receipts, because I have.

MACGlossChick, please let us know if (*ahem* when) his darkness comes to light.

 

[Mortons]

Someone did this to a friend of mine. She was dating a guy, met his family and all, and found out that he got engaged after some coworkers in the office were talking about going to his engagement party. She had JUST went on dates with him that past week! Just insane.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Ugh. Why get married then? Just be single instead of being a cheater? Men can be such jerks.

 

[caltron]

These guys really aren't great marriage material. That being said, I'm really not a fan of long, drawn out courtships where it's not clear when and if a proposal is coming. If a guy is committed, it's pretty clear from the get go.

 

[SmileyNY]

A man who "acts single" all the way up until he gets married will always "act singe". He'll just be less obvious about it after he gets married. They call these men "cheaters".

 

[MizAvalon]

These guys really aren't great marriage material. That being said, I'm really not a fan of long, drawn out courtships where it's not clear when and if a proposal is coming. If a guy is committed, it's pretty clear from the get go.

Same here. I know a girl who has been dating a guy for 3 years and really wants to get married but every birthday and/or holiday she is disappointed. I just saw her recently and she was saying that their anniversary is coming up and she hopes that she will have exciting news to share. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for her.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Someone did this to a friend of mine. She was dating a guy, met his family and all, and found out that he got engaged after some coworkers in the office were talking about going to his engagement party. She had JUST went on dates with him that past week! Just insane.

See that's what I don't get - doesn't he have any sisters or a mother that would pull her to the side and be like, "Look, baby girl, he is playing you for a fool!" I don't get it! (Although my brother did introduce us to this one girl and had another one waiting in the wings....that was a long time ago though. He was in college.)

It could be the ages of the guys you are hanging around with...I do think men feel pressure to marry the women they dated while in college because that's what you're "supposed to" do...the natural "next step...even if it's not what they want for themselves. Those marriages usually don't last....

Now once a guy is older and decides for himself that what he wants is marriage...that is a different story!

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

See that's what I don't get - doesn't he have any sisters or a mother that would pull her to the side and be like, "Look, baby girl, he is playing you for a fool!" I don't get it! (Although my brother did introduce us to this one girl and had another one waiting in the wings....that was a long time ago though. He was in college.)

It could be the ages of the guys you are hanging around with...I do think men feel pressure to marry the women they dated while in college because that's what you're "supposed to" do...the natural "next step...even if it's not what they want for themselves. Those marriages usually don't last....

Now once a guy is older and decides for himself that what he wants is marriage...that is a different story!

No no no never rely on the family to tell you anything. Most folks don't want to get involved in that mess. I know I don't!

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

My first assumption was maybe both were still dating other people and these were short courtships but that doesn't seem to be the case. In this instance, these dudes are serial cheaters and their fathers probably did the same thing. They won't change after marriage.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I've seen this happen. This is why I'm not interested in any of these lukewarm types and I avoid them like the bubonic plague.

 

[Fine 4s]

I know of these types. They claim:
- you can love more than one person (poly- she just doesn't know about it)
- simply because they can and get away with it
- they are into the chase and the lust
- the best kind of P is new P
- you like shrimp but sometimes you just want a little steak
- the like their lifestyle with the main wife/girlfriend which includes families get along and friends are all one big happy cheating family. Yes their boys cheat right along with them
- the argument that we're the only species that force monogamy (which is not true but I let them talk and take notes)
- they like high stat numbers
- they want to leave their current situation but fear of the unknown
- some would even say that cheating is precisely what's holding their main relationship together
- something lacking in their current relation that they can't quite articulate
- they never got it out of their "system" when they were young
- not part of their philosophy
- not interested in having kids so....why marry or settle with one person?
- other psychological reasons like the fear or losing independence, the ball and chain, ironically fear of being cheated on, desire to be free, lack of trust growing up


The older I get the more I think open relationships or non traditional ones are the way to go. It just doesn't seem possible to me anymore. In the meanwhile Ima keep it real breezy with these dudes.....

 

[ChasingBliss]

With this mentality I totally understand why more and more women are deciding to just spend the rest of their lives by themselves. Who the heck wants this mess in their life just to say they have a man/husband. Uggh.

I think many of these types of men just want that warm reilable body at home. THATS IT. These are the men who will cheat with the most beautiful women but do not want their wives to be super beautiful. I read a whole thing on this a while back. There is an entire thought out agenda with some of these creeps.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I overheard a Latina young woman talking to a guy she was apparently considering dating. She said "You told me you're engaged! I don't date engaged guys."

It made me think of this thread. But at least he told her about his engagement.

 

[serendipity]

The attitude the OP described reminds me of a male coworker of mine.

I met him last year when I was new on the job-he approached me in the office kitchen and randomly started talking to me (People there don't tend to be overly friendly as the company employs thousands of staff in the building). Every so often whenever I saw him we'd chit chat and all along I had the impression he was single as he never once mentioned a woman.He was also rather firtatious.

A couple of months later I switched desks and wound up sitting next to him and got to talking to him even more. One weekend it was his birthday and I asked him what his plans were and he said he was going out of town. The following Monday one of his colleague friends asked him how the sampling went. It was then it emerged that he'd gone out of town with his girlfriend to sample the menu for their upcoming wedding in the Summer.
I was utterly surprised and felt rather foolish as I'd developed an attraction to him. Granted I never directly inquired about his relationship status but most men would have eventually divulged that in conversation.

Once that was revealed, we still kept talking on friendly terms and I learned that he'd been with his girlfriend for 12 years since they met at university. They owned property together but had no kids.
In the months leading to the wedding he'd make comments alluding to him dreading the big day and he had about 6 bachelor parties leading up to the wedding. He got married last August and since then he still barely mentions her in casual conversation and he never wears his wedding ring.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

That's a darn shame. Newly married and not wearing a ring? Ol girl needs to buy a clue.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I overheard a Latina young woman talking to a guy she was apparently considering dating. She said "You told me you're engaged! I don't date engaged guys."

It made me think of this thread. But at least he told her about his engagement.

It's sad that she even has to say it, shouldn't this be obvious. Dude is a hot mess.

 

[MACGlossChick]

MACGlossChick, please let us know if (*ahem* when) his darkness comes to light.

Well, either I missed the drama, or it went down privately. Either way, his fb page no longer lists him as being engaged, she no longer shows up on his friends list, and all engagement related posts have been removed. I think she initiated the break up because his status went from engaged to x, to engaged, to nothing. She dodged a bullet.

 

[tinkat]

I don't see it a lot but it definitely happens bc I have experienced it. Guy was involved with me and another girl. He got her to move to the same city then started acting more shady ( although his character had been shown I just was caught up smh). To make a long story short he got engaged to her although less than a month before that he showed up at my apt unannounced trying to have sex with me. I was so done with him and he left mad bc I refused to have sex with him. We didn't speak for months but my friend told me she was at his apt hanging with his brother and he was clearly sexing someone else not his fiancé. I was thinking he wanted me to be the side chick but that was never going to happen so he found someone else. Then I find out she was also pregnant months later after the engagement bc he popped up trying to apologize and saying I was right about him smh. He was trying to be my friend. Whatever on that. They are now married but I'm sure he has given her hell. I'm glad that was over but made me stronger and wiser.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[shortycocoa]

See that's what I don't get - doesn't he have any sisters or a mother that would pull her to the side and be like, "Look, baby girl, he is playing you for a fool!" I don't get it! (Although my brother did introduce us to this one girl and had another one waiting in the wings....that was a long time ago though. He was in college.)

It could be the ages of the guys you are hanging around with...I do think men feel pressure to marry the women they dated while in college because that's what you're "supposed to" do...the natural "next step...even if it's not what they want for themselves. Those marriages usually don't last....

Now once a guy is older and decides for himself that what he wants is marriage...that is a different story!

My male college friends tell me this all the time...that they didn't necessarily want to get married when they did. They felt like they had to because their girlfriends were handing out ultimatums or their parents/family said it was time to "make her an honest woman" or the person they really wanted to marry was unavailable, etc.

No no no never rely on the family to tell you anything. Most folks don't want to get involved in that mess. I know I don't!

My brother did that before.....we did not get involved. I think his girlfriend at the time felt some type of way that we knew about the other girl. My stance was it wasn't my position to tell her; the onus was on my brother to disclose that information. We kept telling him to choose one and keep it moving, but he didn't listen. To this day i believe he still regrets his decision.

His girlfriend moved on and is married witha child (children) now. They tried being friends after, an kept going back and forth. Eventually they parted ways, especially when she finally told him her husband was uncomfortable with them maintaining a friendship.