Good Guy - Bad Packaging... HELP!

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
...have you ever had one of those people in your life that you constantly say "if only?"

Here's my situation.... I have known a SUPER nice guy for two years. We met on new year's eve 2008, and though he was really nice and easy to talk to, 1) he wasn't my "type" , and 2) The ink on my divorce papers was still wet, and I wasn't even THINKING about a man at the time. Anyway, we kept in touch (did I mention he lives 3000 miles away). During the entire time we were communicating, I made it VERY clear that I just wasn't into him.

I found out during our intermittent conversations that he was rather...comfortable-so comfortable that he flew me and two friends out to Las Vegas the following New Year's Eve (first class-all expenses paid) and we partied VIP style the whole time. We again got along very well, but I was stuck on him not being my "type" again. However, through the convincing of my traveling buddies, I tried to give him a chance, and for the next four months, he wined and dined me and really treated me well. We never could move past the "friend" level because he wasn't my "type"...

So why is he not my type?... He weighs 320 lbs!!!!! That is not a rough estimate! I have seen the scale with my own eyes. I was VERY honest with him about why we couldn't be more than friends. I tried to sugar coat it by saying I didn't want to get all wrapped up in him only for him to die early of some weight-related complication, but he got my drift.

Here's the thing... he has ALWAYS been there for me. He has ALWAYS supported me in whatever decisions I have made in life. He has nursed me through my most recent break up and been the sweetest person. I can't get past his weight.

I weigh 115 lbs. soaking wet with a brick in each pocket, and I work out at LEAST 5 days a week. I get so frustrated watching him eat. It's like slow suicide, and he doesn't seem to be bothered by it.

My mom says I am being too superficial, but 320 lbs? Am I a bad person for feeling this way? They say its what's on the inside that counts, but that's just GROSS. Thoughts?
 
You live two very different lifestyles....so no, I don't think that you're wrong. If he's not your type physically, you can't force yourself into liking him that way.

Question: Has he ever expressed wanting to change his lifestyle? Maybe you could help him.
 
You should leave him be unless he wants to get fit. Getting it on with someone you are not into is NOT feasible long term.
 
You sure that's not my ex-fiance? Oh wait..unless his situation changed over the last year and I haven't heard about it yet, he's is definitely NOT "comfortable"...LOL!

Anyway, he's lost quite a bit of weight since we broke up, but at the time he weighed about 50 lbs more than your friend. Like you, he wasn't my "type". Unlike you, I'm a big gal who really is no position to diss a dude for being big. Most of the time I could look past the weight and see the good person for who he is and how wonderful he treated me.

Until we had sex. We broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with his weight, but because of my experience, I'll never date a fat guy again even if I never lose weight.
 
I don't think that you would be doing you or him any favors by giving him a chance. You know what your preferences are and if you feel so strongly about your lack of attraction towards him, then let him go.

It seems that you have been honest with him with your words, but in terms of action maybe not so much. If you don't want to be with him then you should stop letting him pay for things and be there for you through rough times. He's probably living off of some false hope that one day you will come around (which may be true, but as for now it's not). I've been on his end before and it's not fun. I'm sure there's a great person out there for you, as there is one for him!
 
I don't think you're being superficial at all, by the time people KNOW what they are attracted to, it's too late to change it. You like what you like. I agree 100% with Lady Paniola - long term it just wouldn't work out. You'd probably end up resenting him for not being what you want and forcing yourself to like him like that, ruining the friendship you seem to have.
 
dm81 said:
You live two very different lifestyles....so no, I don't think that you're wrong. If he's not your type physically, you can't force yourself into liking him that way.

Question: Has he ever expressed wanting to change his lifestyle? Maybe you could help him.
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He SAYS he wants to change, but his lifestyle doesn't add up to it at all. He eats junk food constantly (I have only seen him consume chicken wings, burgers, fries, and soul food), then he complains about how uncomfortable it is for him to exercise. He has the money to get surgery, and he lives in Los Angelos. I KNOW that his size is against the norm in Plastic City.
 
Connie said:
You sure that's not my ex-fiance? Oh wait..unless his situation changed over the last year and I haven't heard about it yet, he's is definitely NOT "comfortable"...LOL!

Anyway, he's lost quite a bit of weight since we broke up, but at the time he weighed about 50 lbs more than your friend. Like you, he wasn't my "type". Unlike you, I'm a big gal who really is no position to diss a dude for being big. Most of the time I could look past the weight and see the good person for who he is and how wonderful he treated me.

Until we had sex. We broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with his weight, but because of my experience, I'll never date a fat guy again even if I never lose weight.
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My ex husband was overweight, and I disillusioned myself into thinking that he would lose the weight or I would be able to look past it. His weight became one of the things that led to our divorce. I became obsessed with him losing weight- to the point where I started hiding food from him. It was awful.
 
Maybe because I am so into fitness, but in my experience, being overweight is usually an outward manifestation of things that are going on internally, fear of failure, and a lack of discipline. I have helped clients lose weight, and I have learned that motivation has to come from within. I already know I can't be motivated enough for the both of us....
 
You are not a bad person for feeling the way you do. You probably should stop leaning on him so much with your problems, break-ups, etc. You are misleading him and no matter how many times you tell him you only want to be friends he will continue to pursue you. Has he ever considered "the surgery":look:...just asking.
 
What's foul is that women are expected to look past excess weight on a man and focus on his personality and character to consider him dateable, yet a great personality and character becomes null and void if a woman is overweight or obese. Men aren't told to look past our weight, so why are we expected to act we don't see flab on a guy?
 
Connie said:
What's foul is that women are expected to look past excess weight on a man and focus on his personality and character to consider him dateable, yet a great personality and character becomes null and void if a woman is overweight or obese. Men aren't told to look past our weight, so why are we expected to act we don't see flab on a guy?
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Not to press the issue...but it really gets my goat to see a less than attractive man call a woman "ugly"...:ohwell:

I despise that term and I'm very slow to use it...but I am quick to think "Hello have you looked in the mirror? Or did it shatter..."
 
TinyBlu said:
Maybe because I am so into fitness, but in my experience, being overweight is usually an outward manifestation of things that are going on internally, fear of failure, and a lack of discipline. I have helped clients lose weight, and I have learned that motivation has to come from within. I already know I can't be motivated enough for the both of us....
Click to expand...

Sometimes being "fit" is an outward manifestation of things that are going on internally, too: insecurity, superficiality, etc.

Anyway, sounds like the dude loves pleasure. He has money, enjoys the finer things, loves good food (and might actually be a good lover). Now, if he's sitting up in his house eating Taco Bell and pizza that might be different.

With that said, I think you should move on. He deserves someone who appreciates him - all of him - for his positive attributes and doesn't think he has "issues" just because he fat. I'm sure there is another woman out there who will love him and his money very much. :yep:
 
Girl, you're not wrong....I too refuse to date obese/overweight men, matter how nice.............why would I want a man with bigger bobbies than me and I'm the CEO of the IBTC (itty bitty titty comittee), move on girlie. We all have limits on what we find physically appealing and where we will draw the line, I will also never date someone I find physically unattractive ever again, simply because they "seem" nice.
 
TinyBlu said:
Maybe because I am so into fitness, but in my experience, being overweight is usually an outward manifestation of things that are going on internally, fear of failure, and a lack of discipline. I have helped clients lose weight, and I have learned that motivation has to come from within. I already know I can't be motivated enough for the both of us....
Click to expand...

And you shouldn't have to be. He's got to be motivated enough to do it on his own.

No one motivates me more than me to get my sas in the gym and to eat the right stuff to stay healthy, I'm going to guess you're the same.

My husband works out and his career depends upon that. He had that set before he met me (to which I am always thankful). Were he a couch potato I would have been friends with him but nothing more. Not leading a healthy livestyle is a big deal breaker for me.

Keep him as a friend, but don't be with him because he's happens to be around or because you're lonely.

-A
 
Sosoothing said:
Pardon me if I missed it but Im curious: how tall is he?
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He is 6'2" and he really does have a very nice face. There is just so much extra everywhere else. Like another poster so accurately pointed out, he is one of those men that wants the killer body on women, yet he is walking around with Double D's. Seriously, we went to the beach and he was just trotting down the beach with his shirt off like it was nothing. We were at an amusement park and he was pulled off a ride because it wouldn't lock. This HAS to bother him. It bothers me... I think home slice is in major denial. All he talks about is what foods he doesn't like, how the weight trainers have "know it all" attitudes, and how he has his own regimen. I have trained people in the past. Trust me, his regimen is NOT working!
 
jwhitley6 said:
Sometimes being "fit" is an outward manifestation of things that are going on internally, too: insecurity, superficiality, etc.

Anyway, sounds like the dude loves pleasure. He has money, enjoys the finer things, loves good food (and might actually be a good lover). Now, if he's sitting up in his house eating Taco Bell and pizza that might be different.

With that said, I think you should move on. He deserves someone who appreciates him - all of him - for his positive attributes and doesn't think he has "issues" just because he fat. I'm sure there is another woman out there who will love him and his money very much. :yep:
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I can somewhat agree. Yeah, he loves pleasure all right. He drinks like a fish, and even though he has money, he manages to get some version of fried chicken wings, fries, burgers, or pizza every time we go out. I have NEVER seen this man consume a vegetable. No, I take that back... He had spinach DIP (are you kidding?). The only difference between him and the "average" overwieght person is that he can fly to a fine restaurant in his own plane and spend way too much on a burger... not impressed.

I am not trying to use him and we had eight months when we didn't even speak, but he came back and said that he really likes me and missed me, and that I encourage him to be a better person and even though I have made it clear there can't be a love connection between us, he wants me in his life as at least a friend.

Unfortunately, he has only been around women who spend his money and use him. I have been honest with him from the beginning...

And I don't think I am superficial at all. I just don't want to have a relationship cut short because he drops dead at 40.

One thing I tell my clients is that everyone is not meant to be a size 2. However, being a HEALTHY weight is key. I wish I had more curves. It's sexy! However, With a BMI of 41 (morbidly obese), cholesterol of 271, a BP of 170/94 "looking good" is the last of his worries.

I never said he had to be a fitness model or Mr. Olympia. He would have to at least be healthy and CARE about it.
 
Maybe he sees his financial attributes and generousity to be an equalizer in terms of physical beauty. I don't think you are being mean or superficial at all. While at 6'2", he could probably get away with being 280 max... 320 is pushing it. There's nothing wrong with desiring a mate who matches your lifestyle and who you are physically attracted to.

How old is he? I'm assuming that he is educated, wouldn't he want to live longer to enjoy his luxurious lifestyle?
 
TinyBlu said:
He is 6'2" and he really does have a very nice face. There is just so much extra everywhere else. Like another poster so accurately pointed out, he is one of those men that wants the killer body on women, yet he is walking around with Double D's. Seriously, we went to the beach and he was just trotting down the beach with his shirt off like it was nothing. We were at an amusement park and he was pulled off a ride because it wouldn't lock. This HAS to bother him. It bothers me... I think home slice is in major denial. All he talks about is what foods he doesn't like, how the weight trainers have "know it all" attitudes, and how he has his own regimen. I have trained people in the past. Trust me, his regimen is NOT working!
Click to expand...

Ugh, what a turnoff... everything you said already, but the bolded is the deciding factor for me... yeah, he might be there for you and sweet and all that, but the fact that you look a certain way is a large part of the reason why he's so nice to you.

Let you be 180 pounds and he wouldn't be Mr. Wonderful.

I wouldn't consider a 320-pound dude. Sorry. And I'm not even hung up on a dude having a perfect body, but 320 is way over my limit.
 
You guys just aren't compatible. Doesn't mean something is wrong with him and that you are the "catch." He's just not healthy enough for you. Like someone else said someone will gladly love him, not obsess about his weight, and enjoy being loved by him. If he were a woman he might be in trouble. But a good looking man with money, fat or not, is going to be fine.
 
Bunny77 said:
Ugh, what a turnoff... everything you said already, but the bolded is the deciding factor for me... yeah, he might be there for you and sweet and all that, but the fact that you look a certain way is a large part of the reason why he's so nice to you.

Let you be 180 pounds and he wouldn't be Mr. Wonderful.

I wouldn't consider a 320-pound dude. Sorry. And I'm not even hung up on a dude having a perfect body, but 320 is way over my limit.
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Totally OT, you're getting married??? Congrats!!!
 
I'd really say take this down a lot. I dated a man that size but we broke up fro different reason. If his size is big issue to you that is not going to change. Even if he did try to lose weight it's going to take him some time to get that much weight off. Then if you want him toned or muscular it's longer.

Save you both some time. Stop letting him pay for things because you know plain out you aren't interested. By continuing you are leading him on and trying to trick yourself. It isn't worth it. Friends are suppose to be nice to you and supportive so that's nothing new. Find what you really want.
 
I think you have two very different sets of values and thats a big deal. I could never be with a man that wasn't reasonably healthy like I am....it really really REALLY bothers me as I've had to watch family members poison themselves with bad food and vowed to myself never to live like that.

Its also unfair to both of you to date someone you're not actually into because you wanted to give it a chance and he's "good on paper". Take it from me, that used to be my pattern and in the end, when the dude is reduced to tears or devastated...you'll feel so mean and guilty.

I don't think its superficial at all. You two have two very different value systems.
 
Blessed626 said:
I don't think that you would be doing you or him any favors by giving him a chance. You know what your preferences are and if you feel so strongly about your lack of attraction towards him, then let him go.

It seems that you have been honest with him with your words, but in terms of action maybe not so much. If you don't want to be with him then you should stop letting him pay for things and be there for you through rough times. He's probably living off of some false hope that one day you will come around (which may be true, but as for now it's not). I've been on his end before and it's not fun. I'm sure there's a great person out there for you, as there is one for him!
Click to expand...

I think you should let him go completely. He's only hanging around and accepting the friend role, because he hopes you'll change your mind. You're a trainer? Set him up with one of your "big girl" clients.
 
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OP, this is nothing for you to feel guilty about, and I think it's a disgrace that someone would accuse you of being superficial.

If you're superficial than fine, I am too. Me and almost everyone else in this thread. 320 pounds is not healthy. My brother is also 6'2 and literally weighs half of that, and even then he's not a small man. I'm troubled by the fact that your friend is in denial, and it sounds like his wealth affords him the chance to not reap the consequences. But, as you so rightly stated, trust and believe that none of those girls who use him would give him the time of day if he didn't have his own plane to fly to indulge in a lifestyle that is sure to lead to an early, very unfortunate demise if he doesn't change.

Honestly, I do believe that you should continue being his friend. It's clear that you're of benefit to him and frankly, he sounds like a nice person. But sadly, you already know what it's like to be with an overweight man; as you said yourself, your ex-husband's obesity was a source of tension in your relationship (and if it were me, I would feel EXACTLY the same way as you did). Don't do the same thing and expect a different result. I mean, it seems clear that you don't want to be with him, but don't feel guilty about your standards.
 
attraction is very important in a marriage. So dont b blinded by the bling and bentleys or whatever and really consider whats best for u in the long term and what has potential to truly last
 
Think about when and if you have children with this man...do you want his habits to be passed down to the next generation?

I think it would be too difficult to combine your ways of life...
 
you're not superficial
and it's about more than attraction!

you two have a big difference in lifestyle! and what you value. sounds like you value heath, fitness, etc. if that's important to you and you work out the majority of the week and he doesn't...that's going to be a problem. especially if you have kids. he may want to feed them junk and not make them work out. yeah, so it's not superficial.
 
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